“I’ll take that under advisement,” she said. She snatched the photo from his hand and dropped it into her desk drawer.
“Do,” Alastair said firmly. “You deserve to be happy. I know I never made you that happy. I wish I did, but I know I didn’t. I have a suspicion who can, and I think you should grab them with both hands. Life is short.”
He turned around before she could formulate a reply.
“Thanks for these.” He waved the documents in the air. “I’ll try to get more than a button and an old shoe for the cottage, but I can’t promise anything.”
Chapter Thirty-One
“Are you going to bite me?” Rebecca asked the little crawling insect that was working its way up the handle of the shovel. “Because I’m really not into gardening and that’s really going to put a massive downer on the whole thing if you end up being a bitey insect.”
She leant in close and looked at it. “You totally have teeth, put those away, friend.”
“Maybe it doesn’t speak English?”
Rebecca jumped in fear and dropped the bug-infested shovel. She spun around to face the unexpected sound of Arabella’s voice.
“The gate was left open and I heard you talking,” her visitor explained, gesturing to the open side entrance to the back garden.
Rebecca’s heart slammed against her rib cage. She knew sending the photos had been a bad idea. She’d gotten them printed a while ago and had no use for them, so she sent them to their intended recipient. And now that recipient was presumably about to tear a chunk out of her for ignoring the clear signals she had sent about wishing to be left alone.
She’d suspected that this might happen. But she’d kind of hoped that it wouldn’t happen when she was wearing scruffy old clothes, covered in paint and mud, with her hair a complete disaster.
“Of course, I thought you’d be talking to another person. You know, like a human being. Maybe on the telephone. But, no, you were talking to some bug.”
“Bugs need friends, too,” Rebecca replied. She smoothed her hair down. Arabella, as always, looked pristine.
“They do. And you’re a good friend.”
Rebecca blinked.
Arabella didn’t seem angry. In fact, she seemed nervous if her inability to make eye contact was anything to go by.
“So are you,” Rebecca whispered.
Arabella chuckled. She looked to the low garden fences that surrounded them.
“Can we talk? Inside, maybe?”
Rebecca nodded. She wiped her hands on her dirty jeans and gestured towards the open kitchen door. Arabella stepped inside. Rebecca followed her, pausing to hold onto the doorframe as she divested herself of her muddy work boots.
“Can I get you a drink?” Rebecca offered.
Arabella’s perfect posture slumped.
“How can you be so nice? So… forgiving? I ran out of here, and I’ve avoided you for a month.”
Rebecca shrugged. “Even mean people get thirsty.”
Arabella snorted a laugh. She shook her head. “Thank you, but no, I’m not thirsty. I just needed to talk to you.”
Rebecca held a breath. This was it. The time where Arabella told her to back off. To most certainly not send gifts to the office.
“Okay,” Rebecca said after the long pause.
“Firstly, I need to apologise for my behaviour. I shouldn’t have run out of here like that. I was scared. I should have stayed and talked to you, but instead I ran. And for that I truly apologise.”
Rebecca felt herself shrug again.
“It’s okay,” she said automatically.
“No, it’s not,” Arabella corrected.
“I went too far,” Rebecca said. “I shouldn’t have pushed you, I realise that. You were worried about me travelling because you’re a good friend and I made it into… something else. I just misread some signals and, well, it won’t happen again.”
“Maybe you didn’t misread any signals,” Arabella said so softly that Rebecca wondered if she had heard correctly.
She just stared. Part of her mind was jumping for joy at the possibility of what Arabella might be admitting to. Part of her was cursing her decision to spend the whole day sweating in a muddy garden. Couldn’t Arabella have an awakening on a day she felt fresher?
“Th-that…” Rebecca stammered. “I-I, well…”
Arabella chuckled softly. She stepped forward and reached up her hand. Rebecca stood as still as a statue. Arabella picked some leaves from Rebecca’s hair and threw them through the open door into the garden.
“When I heard about your travel plans, I panicked,” Arabella said. She continued to pick the odd leaf from Rebecca’s hair as she spoke. “I had mental images of something terrible happening to you. And then I had mental images of not being with you. Not being able to see you. I didn’t know what it all meant, I suspected I knew, but I didn’t want to admit to anything.”
She smoothed Rebecca’s long hair down, adjusting it lovingly. Rebecca couldn’t breathe. Arabella and her expensive perfume was right in front of her. Filling her every sense with her presence.
“I printed out Foreign Office travel warnings, and medical information about the Zika virus and about malaria. I planned to bombard you with information on why you shouldn’t travel. I told myself I was being a good friend, keeping you safe.” Arabella chuckled again. She ran her fingers along Rebecca’s cheek.
Rebecca knew she should say something, but her mind was a complete blank. On her list of things to do that day, this was not one of them. This was something that she dreamt about. Not a reality.
“You seem to have lost the power of speech,” Arabella whispered.
Rebecca slowly nodded her head.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Arabella admitted.
Rebecca knew an opening when she saw one. She leaned forward, careful to keep her clothes away from Arabella’s perfectly tailored suit. She approached slowly, giving Arabella every opportunity to back away. But she didn’t. Their lips softly touched. Rebecca itched to bring her hands up and hold Arabella, but she knew they were caked in mud. Again, she cursed her decision to step foot in the garden that day.
She moved her lips slowly against Arabella’s, wanting to lead the way but also allowing her the opportunity to control what was happening. Pushing her too fast now would ruin everything, and Rebecca couldn’t take another month like the one she’d just endured.
Slow didn’t seem to be the thing on Arabella’s mind. She took a fistful of Rebecca’s T-shirt and pulled her closer.
“Touch me,” she ordered.
Rebecca’s mind crumbled at the thought.
“But I’m dirty,” she pointed out, wincing at how stupid she must have sounded.
“I don’t care,” Arabella replied. She wrapped her arms around Rebecca, pulling her close before returning her lips to the kiss. Harder and more frantic this time.
Rebecca hesitated for a second before clasping her arms around Arabella and running her hands along the woman’s back. The kiss was growing in intensity and Rebecca was getting lost in it. She wanted to get lost in it, wanted to kiss and hold Arabella for as long as she could. Worried that the moment would soon end. But if that was a possibility, she needed to know now before she got her hopes up.
She pushed Arabella away gently and took a step back.
“I need to know what this is,” Rebecca said carefully. “I… I have feelings and I’m not ready to be—”
“Hurt,” Arabella finished. “I know, I’m sorry. I got carried away. I’d been thinking about that all the way over here. Longer, if I’m honest with myself.”
Rebecca’s hands trembled at the admission.
“Don’t apologise, I’m the one who kissed you,” she pointed out. “But I just need to know what this is.”
“I don’t know,” Arabella admitted. “I’ve never been interested in women, never even considered being with one. This is all very new to me.”
“Why me?” Rebecca asked, he
r insecurities tumbling out.
Arabella smiled and reached up to tuck hair behind Rebecca’s ear.
“You’re special, unlike anyone I’ve ever met. And I can’t stop thinking about you. Anyone would be lucky to be with you.”
Rebecca felt her cheeks heat up.
“I… am going to get a bottle of water,” she decided.
She turned from Arabella, walked to the opposite end of the kitchen, and opened the fridge. She was thankful for the cold air that hit her face, despite the chilly February weather outside. She quickly glugged down some water. Her mind was racing.
“I don’t want to hurt you, it’s the last thing I want to do,” Arabella said. “And I’m only just starting to figure all of this out in my mind. It seems every time I spend a few moments with you, I completely re-evaluate my life. I was happily engaged, or so I thought. But you opened my eyes to the truth, I didn’t want to marry Alastair. I didn’t want to give up my work. Actually, not my work. My freedom, I didn’t want to give up my life and become someone else. And, I was pretty sure I was as straight as they come but, no, apparently I’m not.”
Rebecca laughed a little. “Sorry for confusing everything for you.”
Arabella smiled. “I’m glad you have. I could have suddenly woken up from this fog when I was sixty and wondered what on earth I’d done with my life.”
Rebecca looked at her seriously. “I haven’t, like, brainwashed you, have I?”
Arabella laughed loudly. “No, I don’t think so. You just woke me up.”
“So, you’re gay now?” Rebecca asked.
She’d heard stories about straight women suddenly deciding they wanted to test out being a lesbian. She didn’t want to be Arabella’s test. She cared too much about her for that. It would break her heart when Arabella stopped having fun and went back to her real life.
“I don’t think so.” Arabella leaned against the kitchen counter, looking pensive. “I have feelings for you, I haven’t thrown myself at any other women and I don’t have an urge to.”
Rebecca breathed a tiny sigh of relief.
“I can’t promise you anything,” Arabella admitted. “All of this is extremely new, not to mention scary, to me.”
Rebecca nodded, remembering how she felt when she was figuring out her own sexuality in her teens. She couldn’t imagine suddenly having her life turned upside down in her forties.
“I don’t want to jump into bed,” Rebecca said quickly.
Arabella’s face flushed a dark red. Her eyes widened, and Rebecca had to stop herself from laughing at the shock Arabella expressed.
“Me neither!” Arabella replied. “I… I don’t mean that you’re not… that I… I mean…”
“It’s too soon,” Rebecca added helpfully.
“Yes, exactly.” Arabella breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m still sorting a lot of things out.”
“I bet,” Rebecca agreed.
Arabella still looked a little shaken.
“Are you sure I can’t get you a cup of tea? Coffee?” Rebecca offered. “I can get out of these muddy clothes and we can sit down. You can tell me all about the terrible diseases I’m going to catch on my trip.”
Arabella snorted a laugh. “I don’t want to interrupt your gardening, you were making friends out there.”
Rebecca picked up the kettle and carried it over to the sink to fill it up. “I’ll live. Stay. We can chat, if you like? I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too,” Arabella confessed. “And I’d love a cup of tea.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Arabella kicked off her shoes and brought her legs up underneath her on the sofa. She looked nervously around the living room, wondering if she was doing the right thing. When she’d set off from the office, she’d only intended to thank Rebecca for the photos and to apologise for her behaviour.
Heavy traffic had given her more time to think. She decided an apology wasn’t quite enough, maybe a quick explanation of her actions was also deserved. By the time she arrived in Croydon, she had decided that Rebecca deserved the truth. Or as much of the truth as Arabella had managed to figure out, anyway.
Rebecca entered the room with two steaming mugs of tea. She handed one to Arabella and then took a seat in the armchair beside the sofa.
“Freaking out?” Rebecca asked.
“A little,” Arabella admitted.
She sipped the hot liquid. It was true, British people did fortify themselves with tea. She already felt a little braver. “I’m starting to realise that a lot of my life has been me doing what I think I ought to do. What other people want me to do. Rather than what I want to do. I’d never considered that until we drove back from Portugal.”
“What did I do to make you change your mind?”
“You gave me a speech about how people in love should be a team.” Arabella chuckled. “I thought you were young and naive. That you didn’t understand how relationships worked. But then I thought that there must be some truth to it. You’d clearly experienced relationships like that.”
Rebecca inclined her head but remained silent. She’d changed out of her gardening clothes and now wore jeans and a cosy-looking sweater. She’d taken the time to brush her hair and apply some light make-up. It made Arabella’s heart beat a little faster to think that she had taken the effort for her. Not that she needed to. Rebecca was one of those natural beauties who looked great in any situation.
“The more I thought about it, the more I realised that I didn’t want to be with Alastair. When you told me that I should marry someone because I loved them, it sounded like a crazy idea. And that’s when I really started thinking and I realised something that shocked me.”
Rebecca raised a questioning eyebrow.
“I don’t know how to be happy.”
Rebecca blinked. “What do you mean?”
“I mean what I said; I don’t know how to be happy. I’ve never really sought out happiness. My parents were always very miserable and negative, so I have no problem identifying what I don’t like. But finding something I like, seeking out something that will make me happy, I struggle with. That must sound stupid to you.”
Rebecca shook her head. “No, no, I think I know what you mean. You’ve never really thought about being happy. You had a plan in front of you, so what was the point in seeing if it made you happy?”
“Exactly.” Arabella sighed in relief that Rebecca got it.
She’d been worried that it sounded ridiculous. She sipped at her tea again, fortifying herself for the next round of admissions. “By the end of the trip home, I knew that I didn’t want to be with Alastair anymore. But I didn’t know what I did want. I snuck out of the party and had to seek you out. The lens cap was just an excuse.”
“No! Really?” Rebecca feigned shock.
“Shut up, I’m spilling my heart here.”
“Sorry.” Rebecca grinned. “Please, continue.”
“I felt a pull towards you, I tried to convince myself that it was friendship. That you were the first person I’d really been able to speak to. You weren’t like other people I knew, you told me the truth and you told me when I was being ridiculous. I didn’t feel I needed to pretend with you.” Arabella leant forward and placed the mug on the coffee table. “I feel stupid,” she admitted. “Spilling my soul like this.”
Rebecca placed her mug alongside Arabella’s and reached forward to take her hand. “You don’t have to explain to me if you don’t want to.”
“It’s not that, it’s… I just feel that I don’t know anything anymore. My life is being turned upside down, and I don’t know which way is the right way up anymore. I had a plan, but now I don’t think that’s what I want. And suddenly what I want is important to me.”
“But you don’t know what you want?” Rebecca guessed.
“Exactly.” Arabella ran her thumb over the back of Rebecca’s hand.
Rebecca stood up and sat on the arm of the sofa, beside Arabella.
“Well, le
t’s start at the top. Do you know what you don’t want?”
“I don’t want to marry Alastair,” Arabella chuckled.
“Good. He’s an idiot.”
“Actually, he thinks I should be with you,” Arabella admitted.
“As I said, really nice chap, great instincts,” Rebecca added quickly. She removed her hand from Arabella’s and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. It felt nice, comforting, supportive. Arabella leaned into it.
“What else don’t you want?” Rebecca asked.
Arabella shrugged.
“I don’t know. I love my job, but it doesn’t excite me anymore. And I’m wondering if it’s what I want or what I fell into.”
“Well, you practically own the company, don’t you?”
“Sort of,” Arabella confirmed.
“Then take a break. I’m sure you can afford to take some time off. Take a sabbatical, or whatever posh people call it when they take a month off to find themselves. Maybe find Buddhism. Shall I find you a guru?”
Arabella shrugged Rebecca’s arm off from her shoulders and jabbed her in the side playfully.
Rebecca giggled and backed away. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
Arabella stopped her attack and thought for a moment. “What would I do with time off?”
Rebecca bit her lip.
“Out with it,” Arabella pushed.
“Travel with me,” Rebecca said. “My first stop on my grand tour is Scotland. Safe, secure Scotland. A short flight, no shots needed. I’m going to go to the cities and then ramble around the countryside a bit. If you can’t decompress and sort your life in Scotland, then there’s no hope for you.”
Arabella laughed for a moment before looking seriously at Rebecca.
“Do you mean it?”
“You coming with me? Yes, absolutely. I mean, I’m not suggesting we sleep in the same room or anything. Just travel companions. We can see some stuff, talk, get to know each other. It will be good, for both of us. No pressure, no commitments.”
Arabella furrowed her brow at the idea. Could she do it? Did she dare? Taking time off work was doable. And she’d never really seen much of Scotland. Maybe a prolonged holiday was what she needed. To breath in some fresh Scottish air. And to spend some time with the woman she couldn’t seem to stop thinking about.
The Road Ahead Page 18