by Paula Cox
“Shhh, child. I can’t hate you. I could never do that,” he said softly as I blubbered into his shoulder.
“I’m sorry, Grandpa! I don’t know how it happened. I was so careful!”
“Shhh…” he whispered as he rocked me in his arms. He held me until I cried myself out and then wiped my eyes with a finger. “Nothing for it now. Seems like this runs in the family.” I heard what he said but I didn’t understand what he meant. “Sit down. Finish your dinner. Then we’ll talk,” he said as he released me.
I ate the remainder of my sandwich in silence, staring at my bowl. I was so ashamed that I couldn’t even meet his eyes. He may not hate me, but I knew he was disappointed in me. They had done everything for me, from the time I was a little girl, raising me as another daughter and sending me to school after their own daughter had grown up and was gone. And I had let them down. They had cautioned me to be careful, to not get myself into a situation that I would later regret, and, despite my best efforts, I had.
When the meal was over, I began to help Granny clear the table as Grandpa returned to his chair.
“I’ve got this. Go talk to your grandpa. And don’t worry. Remember, no matter what, Alexandria, we will always love you,” Granny said.
I started to cry again as I held one of the two most important people in my life tight. There was so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t find the words. “Thank you. I love you so much,” I finally gasped out.
“And I love you, too. Now scoot.”
I walked into the living room and sat down in Granny’s chair beside Grandpa. I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at my shoes.
Grandpa turned off the television and looked at me a moment. “I’m not going to lecture you, Scooter,” he said and I smiled in spite of myself. He hadn’t called me Scooter in ten years or more. “Do you know who the dad is?”
I felt my temper flair at the question but tamped it down. I was the one in the wrong here. “Yes. His name is Cain Rodgers.”
“Known him long?”
I didn’t want to answer that one. “No,” I whispered.
“Does he know?”
“Yes.”
“Good. He has a right to know.”
“I know.”
“What’s he going to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“What’s he going to do to help you?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Well, he offered to help me, but I don’t want his help, Grandpa.”
“Why?”
“Because, he’s trouble. I should have never gotten involved with him.”
“What kind of trouble?”
“I don’t know. I just know I don’t want his help. I don’t want him around me or the baby.” Grandpa said nothing until I looked up from the floor to meet his eyes. “What?”
“To deny him his child is wrong, Alexandria.”
“But you don’t understand. I think he may be a criminal.”
“Why?”
“He won’t tell me what he does. All he will tell me is he is in the import business. He said he imports ‘machined parts’ but he won’t tell me what they are or what they are for.”
“Who does he work for?”
“Nobody. That’s the problem. He’s part of a motorcycle club and they do this import business thing.”
Grandpa rubbed his chin like he does when he is thinking. “I can understand your fears, but people can change. If he offered to help...”
“But I can’t trust him!”
“Alex, let me tell you a little story. You know I was in the Longshoremen, right?” When I nodded, he continued. “I’m not proud of what I have done, but you can’t change the past. Not only did I load and unload ships, but I also was an…enforcer… for a while.”
“A what?” I asked.
“An enforcer. I…used to pay visits to men and their families. If you were working against the union, I, or someone like me, would pay you a visit and explain why it would be in your best interest to stop doing what you were doing.”
I looked at him in shock. I had no idea, and said so.
“That was a long time ago. But when I got your grandmother pregnant…” he paused as he smiled slightly “… she said the same thing about me.”
“Granny was pregnant with Mom before you two were married?” I gasped. I had no idea about that, either.
“Yes. And you’re mother was pregnant with you before she was married, too. Though in your case, your mom and dad were already talking about getting married. Like I said, this seems to run in the family.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I murmured. My world was turning upside down.
“When Q’Bell became pregnant, I asked her to marry me, but she didn’t want to have anything to do with me. We had been dating for six or seven months, I guess, when it happened. After that, she wanted to break it off. It wasn’t until I convinced her that what I did for the Longshoremen was a job, it wasn’t who I was, that she even considered marrying me.”
“How did you do that?”
“I took responsibility for what had happened. I made sure I was there for her, and the baby, no matter what.”
“And she agreed to marry you?”
“Eventually. I had to give up the enforcer duties, but I was only doing that because it needed doing. It wasn’t like I enjoyed doing it. It was just a job.”
“But you still had a job. If Cain were to stop…”
“But is it who he is, or is it just his job?”
I shook my head. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Alexandria, Cain has a right to be involved in his child’s life. You can’t deny that and you can’t take it away, but he also has a responsibility.”
“I’m not sure I understand the difference.”
“He has a right to be involved in the decisions you make for the child. If you decide to give the child up for adoption, for example, he should be consulted. Or if, god forbid, the child becomes ill, he has a right to have a say in its treatment. You can’t deny him these rights. To do so is just wrong, but his responsibility is to help care for his child – to protect it from harm. He should be involved in the raising of the child. That responsibility extends to the mother. He should be there to help you, both financially and emotionally. You said that he offered you help. How?”
“He didn’t say. But he has been very sweet to me ever since he found out.”
“Did he offer to help you with money?”
“Yes, kind of. To be honest, I never gave him much of a chance to tell me how he would help.”
“Does he love you?”
“No. We’ve just met.”
“Alexandria, you are a grown woman, and you can make up your own mind. But if you just met Cain, how do you know what kind of man he is?”
That made me blink. “I don’t.”
“If he is willing to help, you should accept his help, at least until you find out what kind of man he is. He may not be like you think. And the fact is, you’re going to need help. I can remember when your mom was born. There were two of us, and it was still all we could do. Things are different now, but they’re not that much different. Q’Bell and I will help you as much as we can, but we’re almost seventy. We’re not going to be around for much longer.”
I sat in dumbfounded silence. I had no idea that my Grandpa, the sweetest, most kind and gentle man I knew, was once a…thug.
Maybe I had been unfair to Cain. I had certainly been mean to him. I still felt guilty for letting him take me to bed then kicking him out, but he had abided by my wishes and I hadn’t seen or heard from him since.
“I don’t know what to do!” I wailed. “Tell me what to do!”
“Follow your heart,” he said as he held my hand. “I can’t tell you what to do, but you will know when it is the right thing.”
“My brain is telling me to have nothing to do with him.”
“But…he has been so kind and understanding, even when I have been cruel to him.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know! That’s the problem.”
Grandpa smiled at me and gave my hand a squeeze. “Then maybe you should find out what kind of man he is. Then you will know what to do. Maybe, just maybe, he’s not the man you think he is.”
I looked at him a moment then rose and gave him a long hug. “Thank you. Thank you for understanding…and for not disowning me.”
***
Later, as I drove home, I thought about Cain and if he was taking responsibility for what had happened. Yes, he got me pregnant, but he hadn’t done it on purpose. And, as he said, I was just as guilty for what had happened as he was. I thought about all the things he had done, or tried to do, to support me. He had found something I could eat when my morning sickness was acting up. He had visited the doctor’s office with me and had insisted that I put him on the forms as the father. He had met me after work just to make sure I got home safely. Was that taking responsibility? Perhaps it was, in the best way he could, considering I was stiff-arming him at every turn.
Perhaps I did need to find out what kind of man Cain Rodgers really was.
Chapter 9
As I drove from Granny and Grandpa’s, I dialed my phone.
“Cain.”
“Cain, this is Alex.”
“I know.”
“I’m calling to apologize.”
“For what?” He was being short with me, not that I could blame him, but he also sounded slightly sad.
“I haven’t treated you well.” I paused, to give him a chance to respond, but he said nothing. “Can we meet?”
“What’s the point? You’ve made your position perfectly clear.”
“I know. And I’m sorry for the way I have acted. I haven’t been nice to you; I know that. I would like to talk to you. Please.”
“I’m leaving for Dallas in the morning.”
“I would really like to talk to you. Can we meet tonight? Please?”
I heard him sigh into the phone. “Where?”
“Can we try Lard Have Mercy? Third times the charm,” I said to try to lighten the mood, but he was having none of it.
“I can be there in forty-five minutes.”
“Thank you,” I said just before he ended the call.
***
I walked into Lard Have Mercy forty minutes later. I had gone there straight from Granny and Grandpa’s house because I wanted to be there before him, but I saw his bike in the parking lot when I arrived. He was seated in a booth at the back and he had no smile for me this time.
“Thank you for seeing me,” I said as I slid into the booth.
“What do you want, Alex?”
“I just want to talk to you, that’s all.” I didn’t like the change in him. Before, every time I saw him, he was neat and upbeat, but tonight he was sullen and he looked, vaguely, out of sorts – slightly rumpled and rough around the edges.
“Well, here I am. Say what you have to say.”
I was a bit put off. I expected him to be glad to see me and I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject of what he wanted to do for me. “First, I want to say I’m sorry. I really am. I had no cause to treat you as I have.”
He stared at me a moment, then gave me a ghost of a smile. “Pregnancy hormones must be a bitch. Apology accepted.”
I was looking at my hands when a plate of beignets, two coffees, and a water arrived. I looked into his eyes as the waitress turned to leave.
“I still wanted to try these,” he said. “I’ll share if you want one.”
My mouth began to water at the thought of them, so I picked one off the serving plate, took a nibble and my stomach didn’t rebel. But I wasn’t quite ready to try the coffee.
“Thank you,” I said as I placed the beignet down on the small plate in front of me.
“What do you want to talk about?”
“Us.”
“Us? What about us? I think you made it pretty clear there is no us. So I will do what you want. I will get out of your life. But there is one condition.”
“What?” I wasn’t questioning the condition, but I had totally lost control of the conversation and it was going in a direction I didn’t want it to go. “No. That’s not—”
“If you don’t want me around, I guess I can accept that, but I will be damned if I will let my child be raised like I was. So if you want me out of your life, fine, but you are going to have to accept my financial help. You can put the money into a college fund if you don’t need it. But I am sending it, and you are going to cash the checks. This is non-negotiable. If you don’t like it, tough. Otherwise, I’ll see you in court for custody.”
“Are you threatening me?” I hissed as I leaned across the table. This is not how I thought this conversation would go at all!
“It’s not a threat, Alex. It’s a promise. You want me out of your life? That’s the condition.”
“You think you’d be a better parent than me? How dare you!”
He leaned in and placed both hands flat on the table. “I don’t think that at all. If I did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, but you don’t have the first fucking idea what is going to happen. How are you going to work? Are you going to keep working at The Cat’s Claw after you start to show? What’s your boss going to think of that? I think having a pregnant chick working in a bar that is known for its very personal service is going to be bad for business. Then what are you going to do? Do you want to continue to work there with all the second-hand smoke? What are you going to do when a customer wants to buy you a drink? Are you going to tell him no, that you can’t, because you’re pregnant? What about daycare? How many daycares do you think are you going to have to choose from with you working all night like you do? I don’t think you are an unfit mother, because if I did, nothing on this earth could stop me from taking my baby, but I have a responsibility to this child and I will do anything, and everything, I can to make sure it has every advantage that I never did. You need my help, Alex, whether you believe it or not. I’ve seen this play out before, and I won’t have it happen again…not to my baby. So if you want me gone, I’m gone. But I’ll not let you drag my child down with you.”
He shoved the plate of beignets toward me as he slid out of the booth. He hadn’t even touched them. “Enjoy your beignets.”
I grabbed his hand as he started past. “Cain! Wait! Please.”
He stopped and looked down at me a moment before he returned to the booth.
“You’ve really thought about this,” I said quietly. The thing was, so had I, and if I were honest with myself, I didn’t have any answers to the questions he asked. All except one. I knew how my boss was going to react. The moment I began to show, I was out of there. I had seen it before.
“Yes I have,” he said. He looked at the plate of beignets before he picked one up and took a bite. “These are good,” he said hefting one in a small salute as he chewed.
“I’ve thought about these same things.”
“And?”
“And, I don’t know. Everything is moving so fast.”
“All the more reason you need my help. I don’t know what you make in a week, but I can send you something. Enough maybe to help you through.”
“Cain… I don’t want your money.”
“You say that now. But the time will come when you may need it. I’m telling you, Alex, and you need to listen to me; your entire life can change in a blink. It happened to my mother. If you don’t want the money, fine, put it into a savings account for junior. But it will be there if you do. And you will.”
“You’re so sure I can’t make it without you?”
“I’m not willing to take the chance. I want my kid to have a different life than I did. I don’t want him eating rice every day because that is all you can a
fford. I don’t want him dressed in secondhand clothes. I want him to get something other than socks and a candy bar for Christmas. I want him to go to college and be somebody – a doctor, maybe, or an engineer. And even if you can make it on your own, I still want to feel like I contributed. It’s our child, Alex. Ours. I want to be there when he is born. I want see him grow up.” He paused as he looked at me and sadness filled his eyes. “But mostly, I want him, or her, to know who their father is.”