“What? You can’t be fucking serious! He’s had the papers for months and didn’t sign them. You think you can magically convince him tonight? How?”
“In his stupid little head, he thought it was me having a tantrum, and I wasn’t serious. Now, I have the chance to tell him exactly why he got served with those papers.”
“Fine, I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere but I’ll go in the bedroom.” Lucas shrugged and turned away. I grabbed his arm, silently praying he wouldn’t flip out.
“If you’re here, I know you, you’ll make sure you can hear the entire conversation and it’ll turn into a pissing match between the two of you. You can’t be in the house when we talk. Please, babe, I’m asking you to trust me.” I reached for his hand and he yanked it away.
Lucas ran his fingers through his hair, looked up at the ceiling and laughed. It wasn’t a happy laugh, that’s for sure.
“Right. That’s why you need me to leave. I knew this would happen. He’d come back at some point and make you listen to his bullshit. I love you, so much it fucking tears me up inside, but you were never really mine were you?” I thought his voice might’ve cracked at the end. My marriage to Marc was Lucas’s Achilles Heel, his weakness. I knew that, but I hadn’t understood the magnitude of it until that point.
“Lucas, I love you too, so much. You know that. I’m trying to make this easier for us. Robyn’s trying to go around him, but it’s much harder and takes longer. This is the quickest way to get what we want. If it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work. We’ll wait out the other option. I know you’re angry and hurt and frustrated as hell right now, but this has nothing to do with buying into Marc’s bullshit. This is about a fresh start. For us.”
Lucas didn’t look convinced. “Go talk to your husband. I’ll leave so you can be alone. Work out whatever you need to.” I had never heard Lucas sound so cold before. I grabbed his hand.
“Please don’t leave like this.” I pleaded with him but his icy stare didn’t waver.
“Goodbye, Samantha.” He pushed past me and stormed off without a glance, slamming my front door behind him. I wasn’t choosing Marc over him, but I could tell by his reaction that was exactly what he thought. I wanted to run after him, throw my arms around him and make him believe me, but this was my best chance to finally be free of Marc. It was more important than ever to get his signature on those papers tonight.
I walked into my bedroom, grabbing my copy of the papers in my top dresser drawer. I took them out, found a pen, and walked into the living room.
I picked up the remote from the seat next to Marc and shut the TV off. I sat on the other end of the couch, and looked at the man I once thought I loved enough to marry. He wasn’t always the creep he was today. I couldn’t forget the awful way he spoke to me over the past few years or the rumors and signs I chose to ignore. I needed to move on from Marc Christensen. Whether he signed or not, I was going to make sure that happened right now.
“Pretty boy left, huh? Just as well; you couldn’t be enough for a guy like him, long term. He’s probably still got women following him around everywhere he goes. I’m sure he’s not gonna be sleeping alone tonight. I could never stand that self-righteous prick, but I did envy how he always seemed to be knee-deep in pussy.”
In just a few words, Marc told me I wasn’t good enough to keep a man like Lucas, and made me think of women like Nicole and the girls in school who always seemed to fall at his feet. Marc’s harem comment wasn’t inaccurate in the least bit. What if he didn’t forgive me? No. Marc wasn’t getting in my head tonight. Lucas and I would be fine. It was Marc I needed to deal with.
“I told him I wanted to speak to you alone. He’s very protective of me— and Bella—and, well, he really hates you. That’s why he left angry. We’re in love, and would probably be married by now if you realized when you’re dead, you’re supposed to lie down.”
Marc rolled his eyes and looked at me. “I know this is all because you got mad I left. It’s really okay. I don’t hold it against you. You always were sensitive like that. It’s annoying as fuck, but I get it.” He reached for the remote to turn the TV back on. I took a deep breath. As much as his backwards thinking made me want spit in his face, I couldn’t lose focus of what I was trying to do.
“No Marc, I wasn’t mad you left. I was happy. Ridiculously, stupidly happy. Ecstatic even. I didn’t have to worry about what kind of mood you’d be in when I came home from work, and I didn’t have to hear all the rumors about who you were really with when you said you were out with the guys all night. Don’t mistake my silence for ignorance—just because I looked the other way doesn’t mean I didn’t know what was going on.
Marc looked at the floor and put his face in his hands. He wasn’t making excuses or blowing me off. I’d finally found the guts to bring up the elephant in the room that I’d ignored for longer than I wanted to admit.
“Marc, what did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much?”
Marc let out a long sigh, and scratched the back of his head. The obvious indifference he walked in with was replaced with apprehension.
“I wasn’t ready for this, Samantha.” His words came out in a rush.
“Ready for what?”
“This. Marriage. A baby. All of a sudden, there were all these…expectations. It was all about the baby, you being tired, giving me an attitude when I wanted to see my friends. You weren’t the Samantha I first knew. It was always nag, nag, nag. Maybe once in a while I’d have too much to drink and things went a little too far. If you’d made yourself available to me more, I wouldn’t have had to go elsewhere.” I shook my head—acting like a wife and mother was grounds for looking elsewhere in our marriage? He had to be kidding me.
“So, whose fault is it you felt you had to sleep around? Mine, Bella’s or both? We talked about kids when we got married. Bella was unplanned but she wasn’t a total surprise. You felt pressured? Well, I felt alone. Since Bella was born, I’ve been a single parent. Do you know she hasn’t asked for you since you left? Not even once in a year. You’re her father, and she never missed you. I’m ashamed it took me that long to tell you to leave. Not for me, but for her, too.”
Marc leaned back on the couch and put his hands on his knees.
“What do you want from me, Samantha? I’m trying to be a stand-up guy here.”
I handed him the papers, and clicked the pen I had in my hand.
“You want to be a stand-up guy? Let me move on. We’re over, Marc. I know you know that. In fact, you only got pissed when you heard I was with someone else because of how you heard. You were embarrassed. Now you know how it feels. Sucks doesn’t it?”
He took the papers and the pen from my hand, and looked them over. I held in a breath, was he really going to do it? Please, Marc. Sign the damn papers.
“The red X’s at the bottom are where you sign and date it.”
“Would I still get to see Bella?”
It surprised me that he even asked about his daughter, considering he hadn’t contacted her once in all the time he was away.
“I would have full custody, I wasn’t anticipating a fight from you. I am asking you for child support. But seeing as you haven’t sent me a cent since you started working again, I’m not holding my hopes up terribly high. If you’re serious about actually spending time with her, I wouldn’t keep you from seeing her. But, you need to be consistent. It’s all or nothing. You see her when you say you will, or you don’t see her at all. I would rather Bella have no father in her life than a bad one. Understand?”
Marc nodded, looked for his name, and signed. My signature was already there, so as soon as Robyn got into the office on Monday, Marc and I would be on our way to divorce.
“I guess you’re staying with your parents.” I wasn’t sure how I felt about Bella seeing the father who had been absent all this time sleeping in the same house she was. I didn’t want her to get confused, or have Marc ignore her. She was only five, but I had firs
t-hand experience knowing those types of awkward moments could mess with a child’s head long after they became an adult. I also was a little miffed at Marc’s mother for being sneaky about why she wanted Bella tonight. I had no problem getting into the car and bringing her home.
“Yeah, for now. I may go have a drink with some of the guys on the way home, so I won’t see Bella until the morning.”
I didn’t like it, but he was still her father. If I made a big deal about allowing Marc to see her it may make things worse. She had her grandparents in the house, so she wouldn’t be alone with him.
“When you talk to her, do not make promises to her you don’t intend to keep. Mark my words, you do that even once, you will never see her again.”
“Agreed.” Marc nodded and got up from the couch to make his way to the door. There was no screaming match, no blow out—we quietly ended something that was done and over a long time ago. It was exactly what my goal was tonight.
I opened the door to let Marc out. He turned around to speak, but he looked like he didn’t know what to say.
“Samantha, for what it’s worth—I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me too. Good luck, Marc.”
I didn’t know the right thing to say to someone after you’ve agreed to divorce. I did wish Marc luck. Maybe someday he would grow up and realize having to act like a man wasn’t a punishment, and being a father was a privilege. But he wouldn’t make Bella and me suffer anymore as he was figuring it out.
It was time for my next problem—Lucas. I sent text after text with no response, and my calls went straight to voice mail. I crawled into my cold, empty bed that still smelled like Lucas. I nuzzled into his pillow with my phone in my hand, waiting for a buzz that would tell me we were still okay. We had to be.
My stomach had been in knots all night long. Lucas wouldn’t pick up his phone, I didn’t know if it was off or if he was deliberately ignoring me. Every text I sent still went unanswered. Something wasn’t right.
Bella was still over her grandparents’ house and I didn’t need to pick her up until the afternoon. If Lucas didn’t want to answer me, I was going to make him. I was up early since I didn’t sleep all night. I put on my black satin dress under my coat—maybe a little too fancy for a Sunday morning, but it was a special day and Lucas always said that dress was his favorite.
This was ridiculous. Things were finally good. Marc signed the papers, and when I texted Robyn she said the divorce may be able to go through in just couple of months. My life with Marc was now on its way to being legally over, and my life—our life together—could officially begin. I wanted that more than I’d ever wanted anything. And although he was still upset with me, I was sure Lucas wanted it, too.
I climbed the outside steps to ring his bell, but the door was open so I breezed right in, and took the inside steps up to his apartment. I knocked on the door, hoping he was here and mad at me— not hurt or God forbid worse. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard him unlock the door.
Lucas looked like hell. Gorgeous hell—but hell nonetheless. I noticed dark circles under his eyes were brought out by his unusually pale face and his hair was sticking straight up. I had to hold in a laugh at how silly he looked. He was shirtless but still had his jeans on, which I found a little odd. Lucas was looking at me strangely, like he wasn’t sure if he was glad to see me or not. We stood there for a few seconds, enough time to make it awkward.
“Hey. Can I come in?” He still said nothing in reply and pulled the door open wider and stepped back to let me into his apartment.
When I got to the kitchen, I took off my coat and draped it over one of the dining room chairs. I reached into my purse to pull out the envelope with the divorce papers. I handed them to Lucas and he looked confused.
“What’s this?” His voice was scratchy as he pulled the papers out of the envelope and squinted at them. As I took a closer look at his face, Lucas looked a little green. I realized he was hungover, which explained why he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts—he was too busy drinking all night. Today was supposed to be a good day, one where we could forget the past and move forward. I decided that Lucas hanging out at the bottom of a bottle while I was scared he might be somewhere bleeding in a ditch was all part of the past.
“My signed divorce papers. Marc finally did it! I’m free! And I’m—well we’re—all yours. That is, if you still want us…”
A slow smile spread across Lucas’s face, and even though his eyes were still glassy, they lit up. He put the papers on the counter and darted across the kitchen to me, taking my face in his hands.
“Do I still want you? Are you fucking kidding me? You’re all I’ll ever want or need. I love you so much. All mine. Finally, all fucking mine.” He kissed me so hard I almost fell backwards before he put his arms around me and lifted me up. I snaked my legs around his waist and giggled as we kissed. I ran my hands through his disheveled hair, waiting for him to carry me into his bedroom so we could really celebrate.
“Luc, I think your hot water shut off—Oh sorry!”
I stopped kissing Lucas and turned my head. Nicole…the woman my boyfriend used to have casual sex with, was standing in nothing but a towel in my boyfriend’s kitchen—at nine o’clock on a Sunday morning. Little by little, my brain and my body were piecing together what I was seeing—and both went into shock. The air in the room suddenly got very thin, and I was lightheaded. This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t my Lucas. He couldn’t have been so angry with me last night that he had sex with another woman.
I glared at Lucas; silently pleading with him to tell me this wasn’t true, that it was some silly misunderstanding. He shut his eyes tight, and slowly put me down.
“Sam, I know this looks really bad, but it’s not—”
“Did she sleep here, Lucas?” I knew the answer already, but still dreaded hearing the confirmation.
Lucas took a deep breath. “Yes, but we didn’t—”
I grabbed the envelope with the papers off the counter and my coat and flew out the door. I didn’t look at Lucas or speak. He followed me down the steps, screaming my name. I wouldn’t turn around and fall apart in front of him. My legs wobbled and my hands shook but I tried to hold myself together enough to get down the stairs without falling.
I almost got all the way out to the curb, hoping for the appearance of a cab I could jump into and go home to mourn what I thought my new life was going to be. Lucas caught up with me and grabbed my arm.
“Samantha, please listen to me! Nothing happened, let me explain!” In all the years I’d known Lucas, I’d never seen him so panicked. I imagine getting caught in the act rattled a person.
As I tried to jerk my arm away from him, I lost my balance and fell down the last two steps. I tried to break my fall with the palms of my hands, but I ended up scraping them and both my knees like I’ve seen my daughter do a hundred times. Then it registered. Bella. Oh My God. She didn’t blink an eye when her father left, but losing Lucas would devastate her. Bella and Lucas had become close over the past few months, and once again her mother’s shitty decision-making when it came to men would hurt her. What the hell was I supposed to tell her?
Then the sobs came. I sat on the concrete with my head in my hands and started to wail like a child. I couldn’t get up.
“Shit, Sam! Baby Girl, are you okay?”
God, please no. Calling me Baby Girl now was like sticking a knife directly into my already broken heart. Lucas lifted me off the ground to help me stand. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. I always loved when he did that, but now it hurt like hell. It was torturous, but I let myself feel him one last time. I wanted to remember the way he smelled, how his arms felt like home—but he wasn’t my home anymore, and it killed me to know that.
“Let me clean you up. You’re bleeding. Come upstairs and we can talk. Please.” I pushed out of his hold and looked at his face. His beautiful face. His blue eyes were still glassy, but they were red now. I didn
’t want to believe what I saw. I wanted to look at the unshed tears growing in Lucas’s eyes and think it meant he really loved me, and he would never ever hurt me.
I had ignored Marc cheating on me for long enough. As much as I loved Lucas—more than I ever loved Marc—I couldn’t be that woman again. I owed it to myself, and I owed it to my daughter to face things, and even to walk away if I had to. No more pretending it wasn’t happening because that was the easier choice.
I saw an empty cab coming up the block and raised my arm to hail it. I must’ve fallen hard as blood trickled down my wrist when I held my hand up. The cab slowed to a stop and I headed to the curb where it waited. I willed myself to stop crying at least until I got inside.
Lucas grabbed my arm again, shaking his head. “You can’t leave like this.” His voice was cracking. “I need you, I love you. You know me, Sam.”
I shook my head sadly. “No. No, I don’t.” The words came out shaky but I managed to say them. I tried to pull away and run to the cab, but he wouldn’t let go of my arm. The cabbie honked impatiently.
“Please, let me go.” My words came out in a whisper as my jaw trembled. I couldn’t hold off the crying any longer. I needed to leave.
“No!” Lucas yelled as a tear ran down his cheek. “You’re mine, Samantha—and I’m yours. You, me, Bella. We’re a family. My family. This is not what you think it is. I would never hurt you like that. I love you so much. Always you. You’re my life, my everything, my entire fucking world. I’ll never let you go. I can’t. I won’t.”
“Sir, is there a problem?” A uniformed police officer walked over to us. He must’ve seen Lucas grab me, and gave us a concerned look.
“No, Officer. I was getting into a cab. Everything is fine.” My voice broke on fine as I tasted the tears that escaped from my eyes. My eyes met Lucas’s one final time. He was crying now, too—and it made me stop for a minute. No, I needed to leave.
“Goodbye, Lucas.”
Always You Page 13