Always You

by Stephanie Rose

  “No!” Lucas grabbed my face in his hands; the panic and anguish on his face startled me. His hands shook as he pleaded with me. “You can’t tell me goodbye. I can’t be without you. Please just fucking listen to me!” Tears poured down his face as I jerked out of his grasp. He tried to grab my shoulders but the officer pulled Lucas back.

  We stared at each other for what seemed like forever. How was I going to walk away from Lucas? He mouthed “please” and held out his hand to me. My legs didn’t want to move. Everything in me wanted to take his hand and fall into his arms again, forgetting last night and this morning ever happened. I wished for some kind of reset button I could press so we could just start over. The thought of leaving him for good made it hard for me to breathe. Could I do that? I loved our life together so much, now and what I always thought we could have when I was finally free of Marc. Maybe I didn’t have to throw it all away. Maybe we could get past this …

  I reached for his hand. Lucas let out a deep breath and swallowed hard as he came closer.

  “Luc, you okay?”

  Nicole, now dressed, sauntered over to Lucas and touched his arm. The second his hand touched mine I pulled it away, shaking my head.

  Fuck reset.

  I narrowed my eyes as I glared at Lucas, knowing this would be the last time we spoke.

  “You told me goodbye last night. I’m just saying it back.” I nodded at Nicole. “Enjoy your new old life, the one you had before some plain Jane and her kid wasted your time.”

  Lucas jerked his arm away from Nicole and ran toward me.

  “Sir, I’m not going to tell you again. Step back.” Lucas ran his hands through his hair as the officer pulled him away. I spun around and ran for the cab, still hearing Lucas scream how much he loved me and begging me to turn around.

  “Queens. Go over the 59th Street Bridge and I’ll get you from there. Go!” I screamed at the driver, hoping it would make the cab go faster and make Lucas disappear from my view sooner. He glanced at my swollen eyes and tear-stained face and shrugged as he pulled away.

  My head dropped to my hands and I finally let it all out. I cried for me, I cried for Bella, and I cried for Lucas. I would always love him. He was the one who gave me the courage to leave a miserable life and believe I deserved better. But right then, I didn’t want better. I wanted Lucas.

  A half hour earlier

  I woke up to pounding on my skull. Even my eyelids hurt as they fluttered open. I looked around, and I was on my couch. Memories started to return—getting off the train from Queens and not wanting to go home; everything would feel like Sam in my apartment. I had pictures of the three of us all over the place, and could still smell her in my bedroom and on my sheets from when she stayed over last weekend.

  I wanted to crawl out of my skin thinking of her alone with Marc. I dug my phone out of my pocket to see if she’d contacted me, and it was dead. I got up, slowly as the more upright I stood the worse the pounding got, and plugged my phone into the charger on my end table. After my third glass of Jack, my recollection of last night got hazy. I didn’t even remember how I got home.

  “Look who’s up!” A woman’s voice was coming from my kitchen. I slowly turned my head, and saw Nicole drinking from one of my coffee mugs.

  Fuck, please tell me I didn’t do what I think I did last night.

  “Calm down, Lucas. I can see your eyes bugging out of your head. I ran into you at Shamrocks last night. You were at the bar, drunk off your ass, and got into an argument with the bartender because you wouldn’t leave after last call. I got your address off your license in your wallet and walked you home. Miraculously, we made it up the stairs before you passed out on the couch. I slept on the other side of the sofa since it was so late. I figured you wouldn’t mind.”

  I was grateful I’d woken up at home and not on the street, but if Sam ever found out Nicole stayed here overnight she would lose it. I still thought of us as together, because I couldn’t consider the alternative. Not knowing what happened between her and Marc last night was killing me.

  “Thanks for doing that. I was out trying to forget something.”

  “Trying to forget Sam? Sorry Luc, even as drunk as you got, that didn’t happen. All the way back here, all I heard over and over was how beautiful she was, how much you loved her, how could she buy, I think you said ‘Marc’s’ bullshit. Before I pulled you out of the bar, you started to cry about how much you needed her. I felt awful for you.”

  I must have been a real fucking sight last night. I needed coffee, badly. I staggered into the kitchen and bumped into Nicole, making her spill coffee all over my shirt. I wasn’t fully awake yet, and still wobbly. The room was starting to spin.

  “Sorry, Lucas. I saw you had a Keurig so I helped myself. Would you mind if I took a shower before I left?” I hoped I looked pathetic enough last night to discourage her from trying anything. She did get me home, so I didn’t want to be rude. But I needed to talk to Sam, and Nicole needed to be out of here.

  “Sure. There are towels behind the door. I need to leave soon, so I’m going to have to ask you to make it quick.” My phone was coming back to life and I could hear it blowing up.

  “No problem. Thanks!” She ran into the bathroom, and I walked back into the kitchen.

  I took off my coffee-stained shirt and threw it on the back of one of the kitchen chairs. I rubbed my temples to ward off the pain. Last night was not my finest hour. I felt awful for the way I left Sam’s house, but I was angry. When it came to her, I didn’t think rationally. I was all caveman where she was concerned, and I wanted to beat Marc senseless for even thinking he could come back to her.

  I heard a knock at the door, and trudged over to answer it. I opened the door and there she was—Sam.

  We had a couple of moments of awkward silence before she asked if she could come in. I moved out of the way to let her enter, and my breath caught as she took off her coat. She was wearing my favorite dress. I loved the way she looked in it so much that whenever she wore it, it was always a matter of time before I had it crumpled on the floor or pulled up to her neck.

  Sam reached into her purse and she handed me an envelope. I opened it and unfolded the papers inside. My eyesight wasn’t the best in my hungover state, but could make out names—Marc Andrew Christensen, Samantha Elizabeth O’Rourke, Isabella Rose Christensen. I skimmed through the rest of them and got to the last page, where I saw two signatures and dates.

  My eyes met Sam’s, and she beamed.

  “My signed divorce papers. Marc finally did it! I’m free! And I’m—well we’re—all yours. That is, if you still want us…”

  Sam was all I ever wanted, and she finally belonged to me, without anything or anyone standing in my way. I ran over to her and kissed her. Sam giggled as I lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around my waist.

  “Luc, I think your hot water shut off—Oh sorry!”

  I was so happy, I forgot to mention to my girlfriend that there was a woman in my shower. My hot water did turn on and off at times, but I got the feeling she came out in a towel with an ulterior motive—to try to entice me to do something. That would never have happened, the only woman in the world for me was already in my arms.

  Sam’s entire body went rigid as she glared between me and Nicole. I could tell right away what conclusion she’d come to. The look on her face said it all, like her heart had broken right in half.

  I closed my eyes and put her down. I would tell her the truth, and she would believe me—she had to.

  “Sam, I know this looks really bad, but it’s not—”

  “Did she sleep here, Lucas?” Her voice was cold, and it scared me.

  I took a deep breath, praying the day I finally got all of her wouldn’t be the same day I lost her.

  “Yes, but we didn’t—”

  I didn’t even get to finish the sentence as she bolted out the door. Whatever I said, or pleading I did, to make her believe me, would be useless—but I still went after her. She
couldn’t leave. I couldn’t lose her. Not now—not when we finally had everything.

  When I caught up to her outside, I noticed her big sad eyes— the same eyes she had at the bar all those months ago. She looked at me like I was no better than Marc. Couldn’t she see how much I fucking adored her? How much I needed her? No, this was not happening. I wouldn’t accept it.

  Samantha hailed a cab coming up the block. She started to walk over and I grabbed her arm.

  “You can’t leave like this.” I panicked. I was afraid if I let go of her arm, she would disappear forever. “I need you, I love you. You know me, Sam.”

  She shook her head. “No. No, I don’t.” I saw the tears roll down her face. I wanted to wipe them away and fix this. Why wouldn’t she fucking let me? I couldn’t picture a future without her and Bella. My girls were slipping right through my fingers and there wasn’t a goddamn thing I could do about it. Sam told me in a small voice to let her go, and I snapped.

  “No!” My own tears streamed down my cheeks as the horror of losing the only woman I’d ever loved sunk in.

  “You’re mine Samantha—and I’m yours. You, me, Bella. We’re a family. My family. This is not what you think it is. I would never hurt you like that. I love you so much. Always you. You’re my life, my everything, my entire fucking world. I’ll never let you go. I can’t. I won’t.”

  I was about to get down on my knees right there on the sidewalk and beg.

  “Sir, is there a problem?” A cop in uniform walked over, looking at my grip on Sam’s arm and most likely thinking I was trying to hurt her.

  “No, Officer. I was getting into a cab. Everything is fine.”

  Samantha looked back at me. “Goodbye, Lucas.” I shook my head at her. No fucking way was this goodbye. It couldn’t be.

  ‘No!” I grabbed her face, desperately trying to somehow get through to her. “You can’t tell me goodbye. I can’t be without you. Please just fucking listen to me!” I was close to full on sobbing but didn’t give a shit. I needed to make Sam see how much I loved her—she had to believe me. I reached for her, but the cop grabbed me by the shoulders and shoved me away. It was January and I was outside with no shirt. I must’ve looked and sounded like a lunatic.

  Our eyes locked, and I silently pleaded with her to stay. I mouthed, “please” and saw her stumble. I reached for her hand, and she looked down at the ground before gazing up at me and reaching back. I let out a deep breath, so relieved that I hadn’t lost her. We’d talk. We’d fix this. There were no more obstacles or legal bullshit to keep us apart. This woman was mine, and I was going to be fucking damned if I let her get away.

  “Luc, you okay?” Nicole appeared at my side, touching my arm like she was comforting me. Sam jerked back from me, and my stomach twisted knowing she was about to walk out of my life. She glowered at me, anger now overtaking the sorrow in her eyes.

  “You told me goodbye last night. I’m just saying it back.” Sam nodded towards Nicole. “Enjoy your new old life, the one you had before some plain Jane and her kid wasted your time.”

  How could she think that? Sam and Bella were everything to me. I’d never fucked up anything so royally in my entire life.

  Sam bolted to the cab and got in. The driver drove away so fast the tires screeched.

  I was screaming like a mad man, “Stop! I love you! Please talk to me!” But the cab was already halfway down the street. Now that Sam had left, the cop gave me a stern look and moved away.

  I wiped the wetness off my face and turned to Nicole.

  “What the fuck was that? Why would you touch me like that in front of her? That’s the woman I love who now thinks I had sex with you—please just go.” I put my face in my hands and rubbed my eyes. I’d never had the urge to hit a woman before but was dangerously close.

  “Lucas, I’m sorry if I caused any trouble—”

  “Thank you for seeing me home last night, but you need to leave, now.” She nodded, and moped away. I wished she’d left me on the fucking street.

  I ran back up to my apartment and checked my phone. There were a ton of unread texts and voicemails—all from Sam. I didn’t blame her at all for thinking what she did. I stormed out of her house, wouldn’t answer her all night, and then she came over my apartment to find a naked woman in my kitchen. How the hell was I going fix this?

  I was desperate, and I needed to find a way to make her listen to me—and I could only think of one person who might be able to help.

  “Lucas? Why are you calling so early? Is everything okay?”

  “Daina. I need you to help me … please.”

  Once I got back to my house, I was a zombie. I cried so much in the cab that I was dehydrated and dizzy. My phone was going off with text after text from Lucas, and with calls—which I sent straight to voicemail—in between. I would never shut my phone off when Bella wasn’t with me, so I had to look at one painful message after another.

  Lucas: Sam, please talk to me. I swear nothing happened.

  Lucas: Please listen to me. I love you. Don’t shut me out.

  Lucas: I can’t lose you. I’m losing my mind. Please answer me.

  Lucas: Did you get home OK? At least give me that.

  Really? Give him that? Did he give me any peace of mind last night? All my calls and texts went unanswered, and now I knew why. The asshole could suffer as far as I was concerned.

  Marc’s mother sent me a text asking if she could keep Bella another day, since it was she was off from school on Monday. I was still pissed at her for not telling me Marc was back, but I couldn’t face Bella yet. I needed the extra day to deal with my misery so I could pretend to have a brave face. I couldn’t think about how I would tell her Lucas and I weren’t together anymore. Every time I thought about it, I broke into tears.

  I was home alone for a few hours before I decided to completely embrace my torment. I took one of Lucas’s shirts out of his drawer—yes, he had a drawer—and put it on. It smelled like him, and I wrapped my arms around myself. I crawled onto my bed and, as I did last night, laid my head on his pillow and let the sobs roll yet again.

  My doorbell rang, and I didn’t feel like dealing with anyone. I let it ring, but whoever it was didn’t seem to want to leave. When I heard pounding, I finally got up to open the door. There was Daina, shaking her head at me.

  “You look lousy, doll. Can I come in?” Lucas must have called her right after I left. I was too weak to fight so I opened the door for her to come in.

  She took my hand and led me over to the couch. She wrinkled her nose at the pathetic mess I was sure I looked like.

  “I want to take your heads and knock them together. You love each other so much, and look at you. All because you’re both so damn insecure.”

  “Daina, he cheated on me! He got pissed at me last night when I asked him to leave so I could talk to Marc, and I found him with Nicole this morning. I can’t do this again. Bad enough Marc finally confirmed he slept around for years. I won’t be that woman again. Ever.”

  “Samantha, do you really think I would be here if I thought Lucas cheated on you? Cousin or not, anyone who hurt my best friend would have their balls in a vice. The only thing he’s guilty of is letting Marc get under his skin. When he left your house last night, he stopped at a bar near his apartment and got shitfaced. He couldn’t make it home by himself because he was so drunk. As luck would have it, Nicole saw him in the bar and took him home. Her story was it was late so she slept on the couch, but who the hell knows if she was planning something or not.”

  “You believe that bullshit, Daina? She was naked in a towel in his kitchen.”

  “She asked him if she could shower before she left, and he felt bad since she took him home. He told her she had to make it quick because he was leaving.”

  I shook my head and turned away from her. Some best friend she was; blood really was thicker than water.

  She grabbed my shoulder and forced me to turn around.

  “I know Lucas. And
you do, too. Think about all these months you’ve spent together. Do you really think he’d do something like that to you? I admit, it probably looked awful and most people would have thought the same thing you did. But think about how he’s treated you—from the beginning. He was never that type of guy. He’s not Marc.”

  The worst part of all of it was this wasn’t Lucas at all. Was I really surprised to discover Marc was cheating? Not in the least. But Lucas always made me feel loved and protected—even back when we were pretending to be friends. Could he have been telling the truth?

  “Lucas’s only fault is he turns into this alpha moron when it comes to you. He was a broken man when I spoke to him this morning. I haven’t heard my cousin cry since my uncle died, and he was bawling to me today. He loves you and Bella so much—why do you think Jessica went after you that day? She knew you had the power to gut him if you went back to Marc. Don’t throw him away, Samantha. At least give him the chance to explain. I think if you really listen, you’ll know he’s telling the truth. I’m going to leave you alone now. Please, give him a chance.”

  We stood up from the couch and she gave me a big hug. Daina was the sister I never had, and she never would have come here to speak to me if she thought Lucas was lying.

  I changed into an old T-shirt and jeans— I could wallow in Lucas’s clothes later—and went for a drive to think. I drove to the park I usually take Bella to and sat on one of the benches.

  I took out my phone, and decided to listen to Lucas’s voicemails. I wanted to see if Daina was right. I would know if he was lying or not.

  “Sam, please let me explain. Nothing happened. I went to Shamrocks to drown my sorrows in Jack because I was scared to death Marc was going to convince you to take him back. I should have trusted you, and I’m so sorry I didn’t. Nicole was there and took me home since I was too drunk to walk home myself. I slept on my couch—alone. I didn’t know she was here until this morning. She asked if she could take a shower before she left, and I should have told her to leave. I could never be with anyone else. You have to know that. Please, Sam. Talk to me.”