by CP Patrick
Lacie scream like nothing I ever heard before. Even when I see folks get whipped, they don’t scream like that. Nan went over to Lacie. She say some words real soft in her ear. Nan tried to calm Lacie down. But Lacie keep crying and screaming.
Sam come knocking at the door, but no one wants to open it. His White baby still hollering and wiggling in my arms. I don’t know what to do. This my first time ever seeing a Black mammy have a White baby.
Nan don’t make it to the door in time. Sam seen me holding his White baby, and he run. Make Lacie cry even more.
Still May
Yesterday seem to stay on my mind. So today I ask Nan. Why Lacie’s baby don’t look like Sam? Nan told me it’s time I learnt some things. She say Master Denton, overseer, and any White man in the whole world can have a slave any time they wants to.
Nan say Lacie love Sam. She lay with him to make a baby. But one day Master Denton must of come and lay with her too. Even though Lacie didn’t want him to. And that’s why the baby look like Master Denton. That’s his pappy. Everybody wants that boy to be Sam’s baby. But he won’t ever be.
Nan say we safe. Master Denton needs us to catch his slave babies, so he never gon’ come lay with us. Won’t let his friends lay with us neither.
One thing Nan say make me sad. She say never let a man touch on me and tell me I’m nice. No man can love me and lay me down. That’s the only way to keep a baby out my belly. That’s the only way I stay safe.
The rest of the slaves have to worry. When they baby come, they never know if it’s gon’ look like the man they love or the man they hate.
Still May
Lacie don’t want nothing to do with her baby. Nan try and tell Lacie the baby a part of her too. But Lacie say no. That’s not her baby. She say it over and over. Won’t even give her baby a name.
Nan say we got to give Lacie time. She gon’ come around to loving on her baby. Just not yet. I took him to the wet nurse so he can eat. Lacie won’t even feed him. Today a sad day.
Still May
Ms. Susie tell me a secret today. She found a man she wants to marry. His name Peter Fitzgerald. Funny last name. Ms. Susie show me how to write it.
Peter live ’round near her uncle on a real big plantation. She say her and Peter thinks the same way about life. And he love to read like she do. They sit in the grass on her uncle’s plantation and read together from time to time. Sound nice.
Still May
Ms. Susie say she kiss Peter. Now she know what love feel like. She say you feel funny good inside. Like you swallowed a dozen butterflies and they all flapping they wings. Then she tickle me so I know what it feel like.
Ms. Susie say love make you feel safe. You wants nothing in the world except for you and the one you love together.
Ms. Susie ask, don’t I want to feel that way? Don’t I want love? I think about what Nan told me. Love sound like something land me with a baby in my belly. If I feel love, I could end up gone crazy like Lacie. She not the same since she had Master Denton’s baby. So I tell Ms. Susie no. I don’t want no parts of love.
Still May
Ms. Susie’s soon to be husband come visit today. They makes a fine match. Peter easy to look at. He got dark hair and big blue eyes. He smile at me like he means to be nice. I can tell he good.
Nan say Peter come from money. That’s why Master Denton had Betsy and Mainy pull out the best of everything for his visit. Poor Betsy and Mainy had to wash and clean all night. Then they cook all day. Good food too. We got us some good scraps today.
Still May
Ms. Susie and Peter come see me tonight. Peter say he want to meet me proper since Ms. Susie talk about me all the time. Then Peter say something that shock me. He don’t believe in slavery. Say he think everybody got the right to be free.
Peter say one day him and Ms. Susie gon’ get married. They gon’ head up North and change the law so slaves can be free. And they want me to go with them. Made my heart so happy. I got something to look forward to in life.
Peter read to us from one of his books. My word! His book full of stories about all types of folks and places. And Peter read so nice. He change his voice so we know different folks talking. Stories seem more special since we was sneaking and whispering together.
Ms. Susie and Peter leaving to go back to Macon soon. I gon’ miss them when they gone.
Still May
Lacie done went mad. Master Denton told Lacie she gots to mind her child. Say a baby needs his mammy. Everybody know Lacie don’t like her baby. But we never thought she kill him. Lacie did though. Drowned her baby right where she supposed to be washing.
Everybody try and say it was an accident. We say Lacie’s baby slipped out her hands. But Lacie look at Master Denton straight. Told him she killed the baby because he wasn’t hers. Master Denton got so angry. He whip poor Lacie till she almost dead.
Master Denton say she got no rights to be killing his property. Only one don’t have to watch the whipping was Nan. She went off with the baby boy. She bury him some place private. Baby’s name was John. Wasn’t John’s fault he born. Now he dead.
Still May
Some days I feel like dying. Feel like giving up and asking the good Lord to take me home. Sometimes I even wonder if God real like the preacher say. Why God let us live this way if He love us? Don’t seem fair since God supposed to love us all the same.
I told Nan my feelings about God. She say not to talk that way. Say the good Lord gon’ be angry at me. Seem like He angry enough already. I won’t tell nobody else what I’m feeling. I gon’ write it in my diary.
Still May
May sunshine is hot. Days seem to go on forever. It’s so hot I can see heat dancing in the air. Like the devil and his friends throwing themselves a party.
Catching babies not easy. I do loves it though. Nothing like seeing babies being born. They bright eyes and making them sweet noises. Babies skin smell so nice, and they curls so soft. Nothing like seeing they new little faces.
Some babies funny. Soon as they born they open they eyes. Looking around trying to figure out where they at. Some keep they eyes closed long as they can. They don’t want no parts of this world.
I like babies who smile when they born. I put them on they mammy’s breast, and they get to eating right away. Some babies cry. Like they about to work on they first day of life. Those be the funny ones. They got no worries yet. No idea about the life they gon’ have. I always ask them babies, what you crying for? You don’t know nothing hard yet, child!
Still May
I still don’t forgive Master Denton for making Lacie crazy. Sam gone crazy too. Master Denton whipped him for not wanting to do no work. How Sam supposed to work? Man found out the baby from the woman he love not his. Then his woman gets whipped for killing it. Poor Sam.
Wish I could be like Nan. Nothing move her. She strong. She the only one Lacie talk to after she gone crazy. Nan make everything right ’round here.
Don’t know how I gon’ ever be like Nan. I see it’s more than catching babies. I got to be here for these slaves. They gon’ need me. I hope to be like Nan when it’s time.
Still May
Scary thing happen today. Mainy told me she might have one of Master Denton’s babies inside of her. Say he lay with her sometimes, and now she not bleeding when she supposed to. She say she know the baby gon’ be White. She never lay with no one else.
Mainy ask me to help her. Say she need to get rid of Master Denton’s baby before it come. First I told Mainy no. I didn’t want no parts of killing a baby, White or not. Mainy cried and begged. I knew I had to help her. She afraid of going crazy like Lacie. Finally I told her yes. I gon’ help her.
Still May
Mainy boiling the special roots tonight. When they cool, I’m gon’ put them up in her real deep. She say she might die, the roots so strong. But Mainy don’t care nothing about dying. Say she rather be dead than have Master Denton’s baby.
Still May
Seem like Mainy’s roots did the trick. She started to bleed today. Real bad bleeding too. She was crying, the bleeding hurt so bad. Master Denton ask me and Nan to check on Mainy. Nan took one look at Mainy, and then she look at me like she know what we done.
Soon as Master Denton leave, Nan ask me straight. Did I help Mainy kill her baby? She say if I did, it’s a sin and the good Lord gon’ strike me dead. I told Nan no. Told her it seem like Mainy bleeding start later than usual. Don’t know if Nan believe me. I do feel bad for lying. First time I ever lie to Nan in my life.
Now me and Mainy shares a secret. I know Mainy not gon’ be the last slave to ask for my help. No way I can get to heaven now. I done killed the Lord’s most sweetest thing. Keep telling myself it don’t matter no how. The slave’s part of heaven probably like hell anyhow.
Still May
Don’t know how I’m even writing these words. Today I seen something I won’t never forget.
Master Denton had me and Nan go down to the creek this morning. A ship was coming with slaves on it. Master Denton say a couple of them slaves set to have babies, and he want me and Nan there to catch them.
Me and Nan stand on the bank waiting. Then we see the ship coming. We see the name. The Schooner York. So we knows this the right ship. Closer the ship got, we see all sorts of fighting going on. White men jumping off the ship trying to escape slaves. Them slaves real black too. Tell they come straight from Africa.
It’s a boy on the bank named George. He say the slaves on the ship his people. Say they I-G-B-O. George say Igbo the only word he know how to spell. George understand them slaves’ words. The slaves was singing. The sea brought me here, and the sea gon’ bring me home.
Nan told George to run get Master Denton quick. A few masters down by the creek waiting for they slaves. Can tell they want to help. We all see the White men trying to swim to land. But they as scared as we is. I’m scared writing it. I’m gon’ finish later.
Still May
I cannot stop thinking about yesterday. Slaves on the ship was being led by an old man and woman. They singing and fighting. Whatever them two say, all the slaves repeat. The old man leading the slaves looked like George. His skin was black as a pot. The woman looked young. Had pretty brown skin like Mainy. Her long black hair was flying all ’round her head. She looked wild.
I tried to look past the fighting. I wanted to find the slaves about to have they babies. I kept thinking of the babies. I didn’t want them in that mess. But I couldn’t see nothing but fighting. Didn’t hear nothing but singing.
Right when the ship was set to run up on the bank, the old man and the young girl jumped right in the water. Rest of them slaves jumped in the water too. Don’t try to swim neither. Just let the water pull them under.
By the time Master Denton got down to the creek, most of them slaves dead. White men who jumped from the ship dead too. All them bodies was floating in the water. Master Denton was real quiet. Him and the other masters pulled them dead bodies out the water.
When they pulled out the slaves with babies in they bellies, I cried. They bellies was so big. They babies was set to come any day. Now they dead, and they mammys dead too. Nan cried with me. I never seen Nan cry about nothing.
George say the slaves not dead. He said come night, they gon’ rise up from the holes they buried in. Some of them gon’ walk on the water right back to Africa. And the others? Well, he say they gon’ stay and haunt this land forever.
Still May
Past few days the worst of my life. Killing Mainy’s baby. Seeing slaves with babies in they bellies drowned and dead. Pray Peter and Ms. Susie get married soon. Pray they go North like they say and I can go too.
Pray what George say is true. That them dead slaves gon’ haunt this world and make folks suffer for what was done. For making them drown in chains. For those babies who died in they mammy’s belly before they even had a chance at life.
These the times I don’t believe in God. Why He allow these things to happen? And if He is real, He gon’ have to strike me dead. I just don’t believe in no God who’s not fair.
7
heads on poles
Destrehan Plantation, German Coast, LA (1811)
When you staring death in the face, it makes you think about life. Not just your own life, but the lives of those around you. Lives you touched or hurt. The lives you value most. And lives you almost forgot until death looked you straight in the eyes and said, “Remember.”
Death is not kind or patient with its memories. They come flooding. Suffocating and drowning you until it is difficult to breathe. Filling you up with recollections as you gasp for a few more moments.
More time. That’s what looking at death feels like. Death is watching the phases of your life tick away. Whether fast or slow, easy or difficult. Don’t matter. Anyone about to die wants more time.
Everyone’s sleeping but me. Peaceful too. As if death isn’t right around the corner coming to snatch us up. Like death isn’t standing there, right outside the door, waiting. Won’t even knock. It will walk right in, pick us up off the floor, and say, “Time’s up.”
We waiting for trial. All of us guilty of the same thing—not wanting to be slaves. Guilty of wanting to be free. We rebelled against the men claiming they own us, and we set to pay a hefty price. Seems like the fact our trial is in a few hours, that death will be there waiting to determine our sentence, don’t mean nothing. Guess they know like I know. Death will find us all guilty. We all gon’ die.
“You have broken the laws of this land, and you will pay for your crimes,” Master Destrehan said.
It’s supposed to be a trial. But no such thing as a trial if you got one drop of Negro blood in you. Having that one drop means you don’t have a voice. It means yes, you live and walk and breathe like a man, but you not a man. You not equal to men who don’t have that one drop. You tainted by that drop of Negro blood. Dirty. And tainted, dirty men don’t get a fair trial.
I want to believe I might somehow be saved. That death will change its mind and give me more time. I want death to whisper in Master Destrehan’s ear. Remind him I was a good slave. I served his family for years with nary an ounce of trouble. I need death to make Master Destrehan understand. All I wanted was my freedom. But I know it won’t happen. Death has no reason to fight for me.
“I don’t know what came over you, Petit.”
Master Destrehan’s disappointed I joined the revolt.
“Didn’t I treat you well all these years?” he asked me. “Wasn’t I a good master to you?”
It’s not that he wasn’t a good master. Him and the Missus was all right as far as masters go. It’s just I wasn’t supposed to have someone owning me. I’m a man same way he’s a man. I deserve to be free. No way to make Master Destrehan understand, though.
Soon Master Destrehan will come through the door walking side by side with death. Holding hands. He will tell us it’s time for the trial, but what he’s really saying is,
“Get up now, because it’s time to die!”
He’s keeping us in the storage room. We in here right along with all the other things Master Destrehan wants out of sight. Things he’s holding on to but knows he needs to get rid of.
Storage room used to be the slave’s secret place. Lots of us came here to be with someone we love. I remember the first time I was here with Celestine.
“I’m scared, Petit,” Celestine said.
I lifted her dress, moved extra slow. I wanted to show her I loved her enough not to rush. I was her first. Not even her master had taken her yet. I was going to be one of those memories she had when death came calling. I wanted it to be special.
“Don’t be scared,” I told her. “I love you.”
She trusted me and lay real still as I showed her how much.
Now death is near, and I can’t help but wonder,
Did I show Celestine enough? Does she know how much I love her? Have I given her enough love to leave her in this life alone?
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Memories start rushing. Like the waters of the Mississippi after rainfall. The memories rise higher and higher as death reminds me I have no more time with Celestine. The moments we shared will have to do.
“You all right, Petit?” Charles asks.
I didn’t even notice Charles was awake.
Charles doesn’t fear death. Wish I was more like him. The march for freedom was his idea, and he stands firm on his decision. Even if it will cost us our lives.
When death comes through the door, Charles might try to fight it. And he has a good shot at winning, at least for a few extra moments. He’s mulatto, looks near White. But he got one drop of Negro blood. So he’s tainted like the rest of us.
“What they gon’ do to us, Charles?”
Even though I know death is coming, I need to talk to about it.
“Well, Petit,” Charles begins, “first thing is, not all of us will die. I’m not saying you will be one of the lucky ones. I’m just saying they won’t kill us all.”
More men start to rise, moving slowly. As if they realize death’s coming today. No need to rush nothing.
Sun is up. Shines enough light for us to see where we are. Enough light to remind us although we were free for a brief moment in our lives, we still slaves.
“They will let some of us live,” Charles continues. “Because one, it will make the masters feel good about themselves. And you know masters like to feel good about themselves.”
His words upset Koock. He’s the most wild of us all, having killed a White man with his bare hands. Koock mumbles inaudible words before punching his right fist into the palm of his left hand. The sound causes me to jump. I try to make my movements seem unrelated to his actions.
“Two,” Charles says, “they need some of us to tell the story. You know, so no other slaves ever think about fighting back.”
This makes sense. I know if Master Destrehan lets me live, I will never try again to get my freedom. I will be the best slave Master Destrehan ever seen. I don’t say this out loud, of course. If I do, Charles might kill me himself. But I know I’m not the only one in the room thinking it.