When I examined the scene again, I would swear that Jax fired first. The truth was, the entire mess was a blur. Jax would never be able to accept the defeat that his instincts told him were coming. Bullets whizzed past me before I could really understand what was going on, and my head blurred as my body hunched forward, thoughts flying to the crying dog in my lap. Nothing seemed to make any sense at all as Toby’s fingers sunk into my upper arm. My brother tugged me out of the room, yanked me to a temporary sanctuary as my sloppy movements followed him to the stairs. My legs wouldn’t follow him until I had scooped the ball of fur into my chest. I hardly had time to catch the sight of Jax collapsing to the ground, hardly had time to enjoy the way my name must have tasted on his lips.
Toby’s curses flew past me just as quickly as the bullets had, but my body wouldn’t match his urgency. Panic wouldn’t grip me the way it had him. With a 40 pound dog clutched to my chest, my legs began to give out beneath my weight, and Lilah’s voice, the one that would take up a permanent residency in this prison, whispered that a bullet must have clipped me somewhere. Not that I could be quite sure. There was so much blood in my head that I couldn’t be sure of anything.
“What do we do?”
The cry, the hiss, brought another ache to my head, and Toby pulled us into his bedroom. While my brother panicked, I released the dog, and a sense of warmth flooded my system when I set eyes on the empty room.
Toby’s second cry only came when my head slammed against the drywall, when I felt his grip tighten around my collar. “What the fuck do we do!?” When my vision lightened, I was finally able to place the scared voice that prayed at my feet, the boy who was so familiar with worshipping the dead. Toby was back to the child I knew him as, clawing at my chest in the hope that our bond would erase the memory of his bruises. “Alex!”
“Give up.”
His shoulders slumped, his mouth gaping as his eyes searched my features. “The fuck are you talking about?”
A sound from downstairs, the familiar sensation of a hell hound bounding up the stairs, loosened his grip, and I slipped away from him the first chance I got. Still, Toby wasn’t ready to let go of the nightmare, wasn’t ready to wake up.
Why couldn’t he have fought this hard at the beginning?
Why couldn’t he have been this scared for his life when he was snorting half a pound a week?
“We have to go.”
Annoyance flashed through me, and with whatever I had left, I straightened my spine.
“No,” I snarled, bringing another flash of emotion through the boy. Still, I wouldn’t bend. “I’m not letting you ruin yourself anymore, Toby. I’m gonna get you proper help.”
“Bunny was proper help!”
I couldn’t have controlled the fire he lit in my stomach, the snarl he awoke in my chest. This thing wasn’t me anymore, hadn’t been me in a long time, and with blood pouring out of me, any hope I had for controlling it had vanished. My hands slammed against his chest before I knew what I was doing, and a wave of protectiveness washed my vision.
“Lilah’s not a god damn crutch, Toby!” Within those empty walls, my voice seemed to fall flat. This resentment had eaten everything, had stolen our last chance at breath, but I couldn’t stop. Not now. “People can’t fix you. This shit can’t fix you,” I snarled, waving my arm as though he was going to understand any of it. “You can’t keep people in a cage just because you’re too lazy to change.”
When the sound of footsteps finally reached the top flight, I was certain Toby would lay down. I was certain that this sound of the grim was going to earn his obedience, and maybe it would have— if he hadn’t’ve caught my eyes on his way to the ground. I’d never forget the look of betrayal in his eye. I’d never forget that look of hatred, the scent of a home forever burned. This thing that I had worked so hard to hold onto was irreparable now.
My brother was gone, eaten by the same disease that had taken so many.
His snarl filled the room when Toby lunged at me, his fist primed to leave me with one last broken bone, but sorrow had solidified my bones. Toby leapt towards me, and rehearsed footwork allowed me to slip out of his path. When Toby’s fist collided with the wall behind me, he hardly had the chance to let out the cry of pain, the screech that came with a broken hand. By the time the uniformed officers flooded the room, my fist had already collided with his jaw, delivering Toby the sleep he so desperately needed, welcoming in the peace this house had finally earned.
I got to my knees when the demand came, laced my bloodied fingers behind my head a moment later. The pain wouldn’t come when the officers slammed me against the ground, when the metallic clink wrapped around my wrists— not when my focus was drawn to the man just feet away. All I could do was watch the murmurs that fell from Toby’s mouth.
I hated how relieved I felt that this was over.
I hated more that my only regret was that they didn’t give me the ending I deserved.
Chapter Thirteen
In my world, being trapped so rarely involved a cage. I was unable to breathe far before Toby’s foot ever crushed my windpipe. Still, the peace didn’t really come until I had settled on that uncomfortable bench, until I took in the sight of the rising sun over the local station. Ultimate terror had a way of breeding ultimate hope, and once the police had brought me home, once they had promised me that Toby was behind bars, all that was left was that warmth. All that was left were the thoughts of the boy I couldn’t forget and memories of the only woman I’d ever known who had truly lived.
After everything, the only thing I was sure of was that Gran would have been proud of me.
She would have welcomed this new strength, this old resilience, this desire to finally live.
After Alex left, my body felt like it was on auto pilot. I didn’t flinch when I climbed down the stairs, didn’t so much as blink when I had finally entered the basement that reeked of death. I didn’t breathe until I had already worked the key into the lock and made the dash for the treeline. But escaping Toby’s house was only half the torture.
I knew what Alex wanted. I’d have to be an idiot to not see what he wanted, the punishment he craved, the grave he’d worked so hard to dig for himself. But seeing this thing didn’t make it any easier to believe in. He was a liar, maybe, a cheat, a murderer, a masochist. Despite his insistence, though, I wasn’t able to cave to his final wish. I wasn’t able to believe he was the same creature as his brother. When the police brought me to their exam room, pumped me for any information they could, I wouldn’t burn Alex at this cross. When they begged for his name, pleaded with me to just explain the bloodied man who surrendered so casually, the bodies those two boys kept in the basement, this remembered resilience kept my lips shut.
Alex begged me to turn him in.
But he’d also begged me to remember the woman I used to be, and maybe that was his undoing.
After crawling out of Toby’s morgue, I exchanged one prison for another. It took five hours to finally get released, and after a battering of tests from the local hospital and three individual statements at the station, I was finally released back to the world that had all but forgotten me. I was back. I was free to return to the life I spent so long missing, and while I wanted to be flooded with relief, worry gripped my chest. Leaving him here felt wrong. No matter how I tried to convince myself, how I tried to feed this sense of betrayal, I couldn’t just leave him here.
Alex had stood by me, had risked his life for my own, and so, I decided to do the only thing I could.
I waited.
The sun warmed my icy features, and an autumn wind swept away some of my warmest memories. Gran’s reassuring presence was replaced with something far more addictive, far more destructive. Nervousness brushed my hair out of my face, and despite myself, I smiled at Alex’s cinnamon scent— even if it was muddled with blood and antiseptic. The wind had carried him back to me, but it dropped the smile from my face when I turned my head to glance at him. The pain he’
d left me with finally crept into my marrow, but there was something refreshing about it this time. This pain, at least, was one of my choosing.
My feet moved on their own, carrying me back to the man I’d spent so long running from. I was certain words poured out of my mouth, but reality didn’t sink in until his fingers were wrapped so painfully around my wrist, stopping my outstretched hand. Alex was hardly recognizable. If I hadn’t seen him in a worse state, hadn’t seen this broken nose back at the house, I might not have been able to connect the two at all. He’d been cleaned up, his head wounds treated with dark stitches and his bruises iced, but it wasn’t the broken bones that made him unrecognizable. In front of me now, dodging my thoughtful touch, Alex had never looked so angry in his life. Pale skin flushed with annoyance, and it wasn’t until his eyes ventured to the ground that I felt his grip on my wrist lighten.
The police had let me keep the stolen dog— on the condition I cleaned him up and returned him to the pound. Buddy, the only affectionate name he seemed to respond to, had waited for Alex with far more patience than I could, and to see his friend in front of him again, the dog seemed overjoyed. Alex wouldn’t calm until Bud’s cold nose was pressing against his thigh, against the hand uselessly resting against his side, but calmness didn’t bring his usual coolness.
Now, Alex just looked defeated, like seeing me meant he had lost another battle.
“Why are you here, Lilah?”
My brow furrowed. A jerk of my hand earned my freedom, and my arms crossed over my chest. Stupidly, I choked out the only answer that seemed appropriate: “I waited for you.”
Embarrassment didn’t really flood me until his vision danced up to me, until those dark eyes bore into my soul. The cops had made me feel like an idiot for waiting, for sewing my lips shut— I didn’t need Alex to make me feel even worse. Nausea twisted my stomach, and my arms tightened around myself.
“I just thought after Toby—” When his jaw tightened, my features twisted with regret. All the name seemed to do was remind him of what had changed, of who he couldn’t be anymore. Sickness mixed with the sadness in my stomach, and I softened my gaze. “What happened?”
Darkness flashed over his features, but my shoulders wouldn’t tense. Finally, I caught sight of the man I’d been so dependent on, the man who had hidden himself so deeply inside that house. Alex was angry, but that hatred would never be directed at me. His shoulders collapsed around him, and his nostrils flared, attention grabbing for anything that could numb his chest. Buddy wouldn’t need another push of encouragement, and when Alex needed him the most, the mutt rubbed his head against Alex’s thigh. The slightest amount of warmth, of comfort, brought a dark chuckle from Alex’s lips.
“If I’m out here, it’s because he didn’t talk.” A shiver, Alex’s shiver, ran through both of us. “I put him in a cell and he still couldn’t turn on me.”
“Alex, don’t—”
I didn’t need his pointed look to press my lips shut. I wanted so desperate to be able to talk him out of that darkness that had taken hold. I wanted to shake him, to force my words down his throat. Alex’s choice had saved all of us. Toby wouldn’t have stopped on his own. Another victim would have been sacrificed after me, and it wouldn’t take long before even the bonds of brotherhood became poisoned with Toby’s sickness. The damage Alex had done was nothing compared to the hurt Toby had put in his marrow. Though, the truth wouldn’t help Alex anymore. His eyes had already adjusted to the dark.
He wouldn’t recognize what I was doing— not until my arms were already around him. My tightening chest controlled my motions as I pulled him into me, as I buried myself in his warm scent. It was the same hug, I would realize, that Gran used to give to me, the same warmth, the same kindness, the same innocence that came from two humans broken in the same way. My grip around his torso wouldn’t lighten— not until I felt him hug me back, not until Gran’s peppermint oil filled the air again. Need nuzzled him into me, and as my arms shifted to loop around his neck, Alex’s lifted me onto my toes. His hand cupped the back of my head, holding me in place as his face buried itself against my neck, and finally, I found the release I needed.
“Thank you.”
His chuckle kissed my neck, a darkness I almost found palatable. “I’m the only reason you were in that house, Lilah.”
Bud’s head between our legs pulled us apart, and Alex’s sharp breath laced my hands in front of me again. Alex shifted, pain shooting across his features as he groaned out. His brow furrowed as he examined this curious agony, his fingers dancing so lightly over his damaged ribs, over the near-miss along his abdomen. Alex released another grunt as he straightened back up, and his arms crossed as he stole a glance at the station behind him. For a moment, I couldn’t help but wonder if he felt this pull in his stomach too, if he had felt this lost with a new sense of freedom.
The question had been eating away at me since I got into the police cruiser. It gnawed at the back of my mind while I filled out forms, tugged at my heart whenever my eyes dared to drift shut. I’d spent so long dreaming of my regular life that I hadn’t considered the possibility of not wanting it when I returned. Nothing felt quite right— not yet. Not until I saw the way Alex’s face twisted. Seeing him now, there wasn’t much of a question left. Whatever this thing was that had infected both of us, it wasn’t quite done with us yet.
“We should go.” The words snapped his head forward, his eyes dancing to my outstretched hand. While I had a hope Alex would follow in step, all he did was furrow his brow. Embarrassment lit my cheeks again, a newfound doubt drying my throat. “Officer Thompson gave me some change for the bus if you wanna go home, Alex.” When the reality struck him, Alex’s expression fell flat. A careless hand batted my offer again, and his arms tightened across his chest. My nose wrinkled. “Unless you’ve got someplace better to go.”
“I’m not involving you anymore, Lilah.”
Alex’s hiss left my chest, leaving a shadow of a smile on his lips. “I’m already involved,” I cooed, stuffing my hands in the pocket of a borrowed sweatshirt. When his expression didn’t change, when his footing didn’t sway, I swallowed whatever fear I had left. For a man like Alex, honesty was the only thing that ever seemed to earn his trust. “You’ll need help,” I started, carefully. His intense gaze wouldn’t leave me. “Don’t make me beg, Alex.”
Finally, his eyes shifted back to me, and I worried my skin would catch flame. It was the first time I’d ever seen him outside, ever seen him in reality, but I didn’t think it was the sun that made his wounds look so raw. All light had a habit of doing was illuminating the things the dark hid— a lesson he taught me far too well. Alex’s lips parted as he searched for an excuse, searched for a reason to push me away, but when the words wouldn’t come, all he could do was groan.
“There’s no turning back once we do this,” Alex noted, his features falling serious as he studied me. “You can go back to normal now, Lilah. You’re not going to be able to do that if I’m in your life.”
Doubt lapped at my ear, twisting my face into a smile Alex had taught me. “What’s normal anymore anyway?”
His features didn’t shift— not into anything reassuring. His jaw hardened for just a moment, but his eyes wouldn’t offer any peace, they wouldn’t leave me. “I’ve already got one foot in the grave,” he finally choked. “They won’t let me live for long now that Jax is gone.”
My eyes dropped to the ground, distancing offering a morsel of courage. While I’d considered the possibility that I’d be frightened to extend my hand to him, I’d never really considered the idea that Alex wouldn’t take it. I didn’t really consider the idea that he only loved me in that house, that he wouldn’t want anything to do with the Lilah that existed in the real world.
“If you don’t want me around, then you just have to say so.” I wouldn’t let myself tense when I noticed his shiver, his doubt. “If I remind you of him, then I—”
“You’re the only person I want
around.” The statement came so simply, so calmly, it snapped my head back up. Alex’s features had relaxed, but all the warmth did was melt away his distractions. Now, all that was left was the twist of his hurt. “Lilah, I can’t lose anymore people.”
I’d never felt so strangled as when my heart filled, when the heaviness of it all threatened to collapse my chest, but then, I’d never felt so sure either. I didn’t second-guess myself as I nodded my head, and doubt wouldn’t creep into my bones when our fingers laced again.
“Good people should stick together,” I nodded, tugging him towards the stop at the end of the street. “You and me.”
When he stopped, his grip on my hand tightening, I almost worried I’d said something wrong. Alex tugged me back into him with an authority that felt nearly second nature, and my lips twisted into a smile when his hands shifted to cup my face. Alex’s face wouldn’t shift for me, wouldn’t give me the grin I craved the most, and his practiced words filled my lungs. Desperately, hungrily, I tried to shift forward, tried to taste the sadness on his lips, but Alex’s grip wouldn’t let me move. Then, finally, I watched his grin take over his features. The dark chuckle didn’t bother me this time, and I couldn’t hide my smile as he placed a gentle kiss on my lips.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
Also by Alice Boone
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The Confidence Man **Series Starter!**
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B085GHN8HK
I HATE YOU; I NEED YOU.
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The Kidnapper's Brother: A Dark Criminal Romance Page 14