by Edward, Réna
“Shit! I have to go. Talk soon.”
Quickly, I hang up the phone and hide it in my desk. I shut my monitor off and attempt to focus back on my homework. It’s really hard to focus when I know that in a matter of seconds my break from pain would be over. I’ll be back to trying to forget it and focus on something other than whatever he does to me today.
The door opens and in walks the devil in human form. I work hard to keep my shaking hands from showing my fear. Pretending to ignore his presence, I act as if I’m engrossed in my school work. Only a few moments ago, I was engrossed. Now, I can’t see the numbers that swim in front of my face as fear takes over me.
“Stand up,” he sneers.
Calmly, I set my pencil down on top of my notebook. Pushing back in my chair, I stand up at my desk and wait for the first hit.
“Move to the center of the room.”
Never looking at him, I walk over to the center of my room, under the light. My heart, it’s beating so fast, as if it is getting ready to help my body make it through yet another tragic event.
The clinking of metal fills my ears. I know immediately that he is drunk and has been turned down by another woman at the bar. Closing my eyes as they fill with tears, I will myself to stay strong. The first swipe of the belt hits across my bare legs. I bite down on my lip to keep from screaming out at the intense stinging sensation that it leaves behind.
I lose count on how many times he hit me. Forty-five is the last one I remember counting. His rapid breathing is the only sound as I continue to repress the tears for a little while longer.
“You get no food tonight.”
I nod my head. He leaves the room and I walk slowly into my bathroom. Carefully, I bend over and start to run water for a bath. Adding a small amount of the soothing gel, I let the tub fill while I walk out and grab my towel from the cupboard that is to the left of the door. Just as I am about to walk back to the bathroom, I hear a buzzing noise. My tears are falling now, clouding my brain with sadness and pain. It takes a minute before I realize the buzzing noise is my phone. I grab it, already knowing who it is. He’s the only one that has my number. I answer it.
“Please don’t call,” my voice broke. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bella, what is going on?”
“I’ve got to go. Thank you,” I sniffle, “for your help with my homework.”
I hang up the phone, turning it off. I walk back to the bathroom and hope that I’ll find some relief in the bath. As the first sore hits the water, my breath hisses out through my teeth. My body jerks as I submerge myself until only my head remains above it. My tears falling like rain drops into the tub. It’s the only time I allow myself to feel pity. Only when I struggle to keep the pain under control during the beatings that is the only time I allow myself to cry. It’s not often that a beating does not leave me unconscious, so, it isn’t often I let myself cry. I’m stronger than that. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. In no way do I actually feel strong. The more time that passes, I think that it’s stubbornness that keeps me going.
Resting my head on the back of the tub, I wince slightly as the sore from Monday’s beating still hurt when anything touched it. My life is a living hell, the only drop of Heaven I have exists only in a computer. How I wish that I could be brave enough to meet him like he wants. Not only am I not brave enough, there is no way I could get away from the house to meet him. I can’t wait to graduate. Then I will be able to get away from here and start fresh.
Present day…
Bella
These days I leave school in such a hurry that incidents are kept to a minimum. There are few things in my life that I look forward to, but talking to AJ was the top of my list. Rushing up the stairs, I hurry to my computer starting it up. AJ is something else. He is down to earth, full of life, sweet, kind, caring, in short—he is amazing. Though there is a bit of an age gap between us, me being seventeen and him twenty-two, I don’t care and neither does he. Maybe it is the fact that I am turning eighteen soon.
It’s still amazing to see how much we have in common. I’ve never let my guard down around anyone before. For some reason, with him, it is so easy to just be myself. It has been six months now since we started talking. AJ wants to meet, but I’m just not sure I want that. I know I’m not your model type in looks or figure. It’s often that I am told that I stand out, but for all the wrong reasons. Being short, only three inches over five feet, I am compact. According to the kids at school, I am fat and ugly.
My straight hair - that I hate on a good day - is about to the middle of my back. It is dark brown, almost black in color some days. It makes me look even paler than I actually am. Curvy can describe me, I guess. Although, I see myself worse than that.
School is both a saving grace and a torture chamber. It is a saving grace because it takes me away from home, but torture because of the way I am treated here. Aside from that, I love school. It introduces me to new books and authors. Reading and writing are my escapes, or they were until I met AJ.
My messenger finally loads up and immediately there is an offline message from him.
Hey Bella, I know you’re still at school, but I just got your birthday gift. So the minute you get this write me so I can explain it to you. Don’t be angry, either. Hugs, AJ
My heart swells, as always, when he signs his letters with ‘hugs’. Even in my dreams, I picture him holding me while I sleep safely in his arms. I want the feel of his arms around me. Also in my dreams, AJ saves me from my life and together we live happily ever after. Laughing at myself, I can’t even get the courage up to meet him, how can he save me, moreover live happily ever after.
Leaning back in my chair, I look around my room. It’s decent sized, thankfully. A double bed sat in the corner by a window. My desk lines the wall between the door in my room and the bathroom door. Several bookcases dot all around the room filled with books to read, some I’ve written, and folders of songs and poems. On the wood paneled walls hang posters of a guy that I feel like watches over me most nights, Ace Jergens.
He is a singer, whose songs have helped me through some very hard times. He is nice to look at too. His hair is cut just above the ears and is shorter below, near the neck. I believe many call it a bowl style cut. However, his newer cut is much more refined and looks great on him. It’s longer on the top – giving him the option of spiking it up that he seems to do often – and short from the ears down. So, basically, the same cut only a little more adult worthy I guess. He has blonde hair with brown lowlights with the most mesmerizing blue eyes I’ve ever seen. Given his profession, he has one hell of a body too.
Shaking my head, I look back at the message from AJ. I really do like AJ. My thoughts always come back to him constantly throughout the day. My days consist of a routine and most of that revolves around his availability to talk with me. Frankly, I won’t have it any other way. Smiling to myself, I type out my reply loving his thoughtfulness, but knowing another argument is about to happen.
Hello AJ, You seem to know exactly the times to say things that make me smile. Thank you for that. You don’t have to do anything for my birthday. We’ve already talked about that. I appreciate the thought though. That’s more of a birthday gift than anything you could buy. Hugs, Bella
Once the send button is pressed, I begin pulling out my homework spreading it out on my desk. Losing myself in my studies is one of my favorite things. It amazes me sometimes that my grades are so good even with all the stuff going on in the background. So instead of letting things stop me, I focus on my school work and AJ and leave the rest to handle itself. Just as I start my Trig homework, he responds.
Hey Bella, I was just thinking about you (as always) and then saw you wrote. Yes, I’m aware that we’ve talked about not getting you anything, but I think you might want to hear what it is (and it can’t be returned so you have to take it) before you turn me down on it.
The laughter spills out before I can stop it. He is always so nice to me. I feel lik
e I’m a human being when I talk to him, not the scum that everyone else thinks of me. AJ always treats me like I matter to him. Although, I have never seen a picture of him, but I know that his inner beauty was enough to know that he is the best-looking man I will ever meet, if we ever meet.
LOL AJ! You know how I feel about you buying anything for me though. I suppose that I can’t fault you for the reason, but it doesn’t make me any happier about it. Tell me what it is and how much I owe you for it.
I’m almost nervous. Looking back at my math, I start working on it again. He would always try to help me with my homework, if I ever need it. AJ is really smart too. He has broken down my Trigonometry homework for me. What I used to struggle with I don’t anymore.
I wish I could hear your laughter. It has always been my favorite sound. I got you tickets to a certain concert that you have been dying to go to. Not just tickets though, but also a VIP pass that gets you a meet and greet before and after the show. Now try and turn me down LOL (Yup I’m grinning from ear-to-ear right now.) You owe me nothing, but to go and enjoy yourself. That is all the repayment I could ask for.
Sitting back in my chair, I’m in complete shock by his gift. Never in a million years did I ever think that I’d get to go to an Ace Jergens concert. Now, here AJ is offering me the chance of a lifetime. The big thing here is that we haven’t even met. We’ve talked on the phone a few times, mainly when my father wasn’t around. His voice was so…so…amazing that it’s almost impossible to keep my voice from sounding as breathless as he made me feel. It is time to do what I know needs done.
Can I call you?
Looking at the time, I know I’m taking a chance because my father would be coming in the door in a few minutes, but this is something that I need to voice and not type. When he finally says I can call, I take a few deep breaths and dial his number. While I wait for him to answer, I shut off the monitor and fidget with my pencil over my homework.
“Hey Beautiful,” he says happily into the phone.
A shiver runs up and down my spine, his voice always does that to me.
“Hey AJ. I wish you’d stop calling me that. You haven’t even seen me.”
“I don’t have to in order to know you’re beautiful. I can tell it in the person you are and besides, your name tells me so,” he laughs.
“Sucking up gets you nowhere, Mister,” I joke back.
“Maybe not, but I desperately wish we could meet. Before you say anything, I know and I understand. So you need to accept this gift from me in place of my begging, again, to meet.”
“AJ,” I pause choking on the overwhelming emotions I’m feeling. “I want to thank you for the gift. I want you to also know that you didn’t have to do this. It’s way too much. You haven’t even met me,” I rush through my thoughts before I convince myself not to say anything.
“Slow down,” he laughs. “You’re welcome. I want to do this for you. You deserve it. I really like you, Bella. I thought I would show you how much. I didn’t do this because I thought I had to. I did it because I wanted to. A limo will pick you up and take you to and from the concert. You don’t have to worry about a single thing. Please Bella accept the gift. I really want to give it to you. To be the reason you smile and have a remarkable birthday.”
What am I supposed to say to that? The whole situation is unusual territory for me. He is always so honest with me. We’ve been talking for so long now that I forgot how much we really know about each other. Although, I do understand how he feels. I like him a lot too.
“First, you are the only reason I smile. Not much outside of our talks to smile about. You don’t have to get me a gift to do that. You do that all on your own.” I say softly.
“Bella,” he breathes.
“Since you can’t return it, I guess my next question is—when is it? And, um, will you be there?”
“It’s in two weeks and no I won’t be at the concert. Sadly, I’ll be working. I can see you after though. I mean if that’s okay with you? I’d like to take you out for supper.”
“Yes, that’s okay,” I say nervously.
“Seriously?” He sounds just as nervous as I do.
“Yes, seriously. That way I can thank you for my gift in person.”
“I thought you’d say no. Actually, I was prepared for you to say no,” he laughs. “I can’t wait to meet you. You can even bring your Trig homework if you want to,” he jokes.
I laugh, I couldn’t help it. AJ always makes me feel better about who I am. My day always gets brighter when I talk to him. I owed him so much more than he will ever know.
“Ah! There’s the most wonderful sound in the world. I really do love your laughter. I hear it even when we haven’t talked on the phone for a while. It really is my favorite sound.”
Just as I am getting ready to reply, my door flies open. Screaming, I drop the phone to my desk. My father storms over to me and yanks me out of the chair then smacks me. I stumble backwards.
“Daddy, stop it! You’re hurting me!” I yell before I can stop myself just as he throws one of my books at me. It’s been years since I’ve begged for him to stop. But for whatever reason, it slips from my lips today. His eyes flare at my plea and I know I’ve just made a huge mistake.
He lunges at me. Moving out of the way, I rush to my desk, hanging up the phone. Praying like hell that AJ didn’t hear any of that. Turning around just in time for my father’s fist to connect with my face, just under my left eye, I fall into my desk and slide down to the floor. Laying there unable to move for a few moments, my father storms out of the room, slamming it shut and locking it.
It is then and only then that I start to cry. My phone starts to vibrate. Grabbing my phone quickly before my father hears. I try to end the call, but answer it instead. Of course, I can’t stop the tears.
“Bella, are you okay? What’s wrong? What happened?”
Still unable to stem the tears, I tell him what will keep me safer. “You can’t call me for a while. I’ll see you after the concert.”
I hang up the phone and cry some more. Grabbing tissues from my desk, I blow my nose then go back to work on my homework. Folding up a tissue, I hold it to the cut below my eye to stop the blood from dripping on my books.
A couple of hours later, I turn my monitor on. There are several messages from AJ. Everything in me wishes I could ignore them, but I care about him too much. He’s too important to me to do that.
AJ: Bella, what happened?
AJ: Why can’t I call you?
AJ: Something’s going on because you were crying. Talk to me, please.
AJ: God, Bella, please answer me. I’m going out of my mind.
AJ: Please Bella!
The breath is knocked out of me as I read the messages he left. There is someone that cares about what happens to me. It causes the tears to start again. I didn’t think anyone would ever care about me.
Bella: I’m sorry AJ. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Hugs, Bella
I wasn’t sure what I expected his reply to be, but I definitely wasn’t expecting the reply that I got. Today, I yearn to be near him so bad. Someday, I tell myself, I will be able to meet him and see if our chemistry continues in person as it has over the phone and internet.
AJ: I wish I was there to hug you right now. I have never wanted to hold you more than I do right now. Don’t tell me not to worry about you. I care about you…a lot. You’re hurting and you won’t talk to me about it. Why? Maybe I can help you. I want to help you. Please don’t shut me out.
There wasn’t time to reply. The sound of the locking clicking open fills my ears and chest with panic. Switching off the monitor, I pretend like I’m working on homework. Looking up at him as he walks into my room, he takes slow purposeful steps. Suddenly my chair is flipping backwards and my head hits the floor with a loud thump. Pain shoots through me like never before. He steps on my chest and pushes down hard. The air is forced from my lungs. My father smacks me again and again. Fighting like hell to k
eep my tears at bay. When I cry, it only makes him angrier than he was when he entered my room. Not sure what happened next because everything dims and then goes black after he hit me upside the head with one of my school books.
Bella
Waking sometime later, the room is dark. How many times have I woke to not know how much time had passed? Pulling my sore body up off the floor, I grab my phone and see that it is eleven at night. Six hours have come and gone that I don’t get back. One day, that’s what I keep telling myself. One day, I’ll get out from under the scornful hand of my father and be free. Free to do as I want. Stumbling into the bathroom, I give a cynical laugh at myself. Who am I kidding? I’m never making it out of here. Hell, it’s what I deserve.
Once I take my shower, I head back to my desk. My homework still laid here unfinished. Thankfully, my hair – I’ll have to do a swoop bang to cover my eye – and clothes will hide the marks left from tonight’s beating. I can go to school tomorrow. I hate hiding everything, but no one will believe my father could do anything like this to me. Everyone still feels sorry for him for losing my mother. He still plays it for attention, too.
Everyone feels so sorry for him, but no one even sees me in the mix. How many women have I seen come into this house? How many nights have I heard their noises? Yeah, my father is so heartbroken over my mom, but sleeps with every Tammy, Danielle, or Harriet that comes along. It is disgusting. My mother is being dragged through the dirt by this man that claims he loves her so much.
Shaking my head, I focus on my schoolwork. It is important to me that I achieve my perfect grades so I can get into the best school and away from this hell I live in. Still unsure on how I am going to get the whole college thing squared away, but I’ll figure it out somehow. No one deserves to go through what I’m going through. No one, not even me… right?