by Edward, Réna
“What do you mean you can’t do this?” He asks turning me around.
“This. All of this.” I say still not meeting his eyes.
Ace
How is it that I can love her so damn much, but she can’t seem to see it? Or maybe it was that she didn’t want to see it? Then the more I think about it, it’s because she doesn’t believe it.
“Tell me something, Bella. Do you want to do it?”
She sighs. “Do what?”
“Do you want to be with me?”
Bella opens her mouth several times, but nothing comes out. She won’t meet my eyes and it kills me. Tipping her head up, I look into her tear filled eyes.
“I will never force you to do something that you don’t want to. Even if this kills me, and I think it just might, I won’t force you to be with me. I’m walking away Bella. Not because I want to, but because you obviously aren’t happy with me. I love you and that won’t change. I’m here if you ever need me.”
Releasing her from my hold, I slowly backed away. Seeing the look of devastation on her face almost made me pull her back into my arms. I couldn’t. This is something she needs to do on her own. She needs to make the decision to be with me.
Even though my heart is breaking with each step, I keep walking back to my trailer. How did everything seem so perfect just moments before and then I lose it all the next? Her first instinct is to run, which I completely understand why. However, in order for us to last, she needs to trust me as well as trust in us. This is the only way I can see her taking the step is if I walk away.
Opening the door, I walk inside. I look at the men in my living room. “You all can leave,” I say dejectedly before walking back to my room and slamming the door shut.
The first thing my eyes are drawn to is the shirt of mine she wore, but then something else lay next to it. What was it? Bending down, I pull out a notebook that lay half under the end of my bed. Opening it up, I quickly realize that it’s Bella’s journal of sorts. Unable to help myself, I read the first entry.
March 15
Today was the last day of the summary workshop. It shouldn’t shock me how the summary workshop went. Why I bothered even showing up is beyond me. Other than the fact that it got me away from my father for a few short hours, it was stupid for me to go. Gill was extra mean today though. Him and his crew managed to exceed last year’s attack.
Mr. Angler laughed when he walked past as they were pelting me with raw potatoes. Honestly, I’m surprised he didn’t grab one too. But after years of this torture, I knew not to show how much those potatoes hurt as they hit me. It got them to stop sooner. When I came home tonight, Dad laughed.
It has been so long since I’ve heard him laugh or even smile that I’m surprised he could still do it. For a tiny moment, I thought that I’d get a break from him at home. He was laughing so hard, he almost looked happy. When he left the room, I thought for sure I was getting my wish.
When I got into the shower to go to bed, he came back. He shut off all cold water and forced me to stand under the hot water. It burnt, badly, but if I moved he hit me with a ruler he must have grabbed from my desk. When my skin was red and I felt dizzy from all the steam and pain, he turned the cold water on and shut off the hot.
The cold against my hot, scalding skin you’d think would feel good, but it didn’t. It hurt like hell and my body shook violently from the drastic change. After smashing my head into the wall of the shower, he left.
My arms were blistering. It looks like I have some kind of disease. I’m pretty sure these burns are bad. It hurts to even have my robe on. I’m not sure how I’m going to sleep tonight, which is why I sit here writing instead of sleeping.
God, if you’re reading this as I’m writing. Can you tell my mom I’m so sorry? Maybe had I never came into this world things would be different for her, different for my dad. I know she loved him with all her heart. I remember her telling me of the story of how they met and all their plans. She’d tell me that if she asked for the moon he’d have done whatever he could to get it for her.
If you’re still listening/reading, can you please forgive my dad for all he’s done to me? I caused his broken heart. He does this because he’s lost without my mom. I know he is. I see it on his face on the rare occasions that I get to get out of my room. She was his world and I took that from him. If beating me gives him some kind of peace so he can sleep at night, then please don’t hold it against him when his time comes to meet you. Don’t worry, God, I hate myself too. If I could beat the crap out of myself, I would.
Oh one more thing, and I know this is really reaching, but if you could send me someone, anyone, to care about me… maybe even save me, I’d be forever grateful. I know that’s a lot to ask from someone that took someone from this world far too early, but I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this punishment. It’s killing me. Maybe that’s your plan? Is it? A slow painful death for all the pain I’ve caused all those around me for what happened that day?
Well, I’m going to try and sleep. Thank you so much for listening if you did. Goodnight. ~Bella~
My heart aches for the woman that sat writing this. It’s no wonder, her first instinct is to tuck tail and flee. She’s only had the pain stick around, never any good. Here I am forcing so much good on her in such a short amount of time. You fucking idiot. No wonder she’s walked away from you!
April 19
I’m done, Lord. If you’re reading this, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this any longer. I know it’s my fault he’s hurting, that his life is in shambles, but there comes a time when enough should be enough. I’m past enough and beyond overboard.
My father hates me, no one at school can stand me. There’s no one in this world that wants to protect me or stay around me. Why even bother pushing forward? Why? There is no glimmer of hope that I can see, no eye in the storm. Instead, it’s all dark turbulent waters waiting to suck me under. I can’t fight to keep my head above water anymore.
Please Lord, I’m begging you, take me out of this world. Take me away from all this constant pain. My heart doesn’t beat anymore. I have no purpose. I used to think that things would change when I was out of the house and not a constant reminder of what my father lost because I had to be born. Please God, Please… Let me die in my sleep tonight. Take me in your arms and free me from all this suffocating darkness that has consumed me. I can’t do this anymore…
I can’t read anymore. It is breaking my heart. She sounds so lost, void of anything. The vibrant amazing woman that I got to know is nowhere in these pages. That is a broken woman at the end of her ropes wanting to be set free. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I flipped forward to the day that we met.
June 1
Oh God, I really hope you’re reading these. Thank you so much for answering my prayers. Honestly, I thought for a moment that maybe life was not meant for me, but then you sent me the guy known as Dreamnsong.
We talked for a little while before my father came in. My heart feels lighter, happier almost. Now, I know what I’m working so hard for my grades for. When I get my diploma, it’s my fresh start. It’s that fresh beginning. When I’m handed that diploma, it’s the key to my new life.
I don’t know what will happen with me and this guy, but he’s giving me hope. The hope I so desperately needed to push forward and grab hold of the rope being handed down this dark hole for me.
Thank you, Lord, for not giving up on me and showing me that you are still there and listening to me. I’ll never be able to show you what this means to me, but the smile on my face right now should be proof enough.
Aug. 1
AJ is amazing. There’s no other way to describe him. He makes me laugh and I feel like I can truly let go of the day/night and just be the me I’d be if I weren’t trapped here. So many times I’ve come close to telling him what’s going on with me, but I can’t and won’t bring him down with me
. No one deserves that, but especially not someone like him.
The thing I’m most scared about is that I’m getting attached to him more and more as time goes on. He wants to meet, but I just can’t do it. He’d run if I showed up with the bruising and welts from my real life. I’m sure he’s picturing me as some beauty queen too. He’d be very disappointed to know that this just isn’t true.
No matter, I’m attached to him and the light he brings into my life. The life he brings to my soul. Even if I never meet AJ, he’s the most important person in my life and I believe he always will be no matter what.
As much as I have no place to ask this, Lord, but I’m going to anyway. Can more be there for AJ and me, more than just friendship? As much as I have told myself not to, I’m falling for this man, for his words, his humor, him. I’m not sure I could take losing him.
But by the same token, I’m not sure I can handle bringing him into my world of pain either. It’d kill me if we did become more and he was consumed by saving me that he too became another person to control everything around me…
“Oh fuck,” I mutter under my breath, the notebook falling from my hands.
I was controlling her. Telling her what was going to happen with her life. Never once did I ask her if she was okay with any of it. This is all me, this is my fault that she was running away.
There’s a knock on my bedroom door. Pushing myself to my feet, I pull my shirt over my head. I need to get ready for sound check. Then I am going to go find my girl. Opening the door, my mouth falls open.
“I, uh, I was promised a meet and greet before the show,” Bella mumbles, her eyes trailing my body.
“Bella?”
Dropping her head, she rings her hands in front of her. “I know I’m completely insane and very skittish, but I’m trying AJ. I’m really trying. Watching you walk away from me cut me deeper than I’ve ever felt. It was like as you walked away the world around me started to blacken. If… If you can bear with me as I try to get used to all of this, I will try my hardest not to run at the first sign of fear.”
Tipping her head up to meet mine, “Can I tell you how sorry I am? Not once today have I asked you if any of it was okay. I’m just so scared that I’m not going to have done something and you’ll be taken from me when I could have possibly prevented it. So if you can bear with me and my overbearing ways, I’ll help you through your urge to flee. Deal?”
A slow breathtaking smile spreads across her face as she nods her head. “Deal,” she says softly, rising up on her toes to get as close to eye level as she can get. “Are you mad at me?”
She is so close to my face, our lips mere inches apart. If Bella moves just a hair forward there’s no more talking. Swallowing hard, I try to keep my focus on her eyes and not her mouth.
“I was never mad at you. It killed me to walk away from you, but I needed you to decide you wanted to be with me. I know I’ve been over protective since I found out what’s going on with you, but,” I cup her face in my hands, “I can’t handle the thought of you going back to live with your dad. Not when he’s slowly killing you.”
Shocking me, Bella leans in and kisses me firmly on the lips. Wrapping her arms around my neck, I rest my hands on her hips. This time, I am going to let her lead the dance. When she deepens the kiss, I wrap my arms around her back and pull her tightly against me.
“Can you two come up for air?” Gary jokes from the kitchen causing Bella to immediately pull away from me and bury her face in my chest.
“Not when it comes to her kisses, I’m afraid I can’t,” I say smiling.
He smiles at me. “Just came by to give you the half hour warning. You need to get in for sound checks as well as Alexis from Screaming Teens magazine will be here to do your tour interview.”
“Thanks, I’ll be ready,” I respond as I run my hands up and down Bella’s back.
Gary walks out leaving his laughter trailing behind him. He’s going to give me so much shit, but damn if I care. Bella starts laughing and I am soon joining in. The light and warmth this woman brought to my life is unbelievable.
From the moment that I saw her profile online, I knew she’d be incredible. What I didn’t expect is to love her as much as I do already. Gary is going to get one hell of a gift this year for making me get on that site to begin with.
Since I found Bella and we really hit it off, I’ve deleted my profile. She’s all I need and want. No one else out there could be more to me than her. I just hope I can save her so we can truly enjoy what we have together.
Reluctantly, I pull away from her. Walking over to my closet, I strip off my pants and slide on a pair of windbreakers and a t-shirt, as well as the matching jacket. Normally, I’d just go out there with sweats and tank, but with Alexis coming… I mentally shudder. That woman gives me the creeps. The more clothing the better when it comes to her.
“Is it okay if I watch your sound check before I head off to the hotel?”
Turning, I look at her. “Of course you can. As my girlfriend, you have many perks. One of which is wherever I am, you are always welcome and never have to ask.”
Looking down at her hands, she says softly. “I don’t care about the perks. I just want to be with you.”
Walking over to her, I lift her head. “What’s wrong?”
“Are you going to tell her you’re dating someone?”
Her question catches me off guard. “Do you want me to?” I ask instead of answering.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure which way this was going to go. If it were up to me, I’d keep this quiet for now until she got used to being with me. Well, more to having someone care about her. If after that she wants to tell the world, I’ll be standing next to her screaming it.
“Honestly?” I nod my head. “I do, but I don’t. I don’t because I’m just getting my head wrapped around the idea that someone actually cares, but I do because…” she trails off as she sits on the bed.
Sitting down next to her, I take her hand in mine. “You want me to for you to believe that I’m truly in this like I say I am, that I’m not ashamed. Right?”
Nodding her head as she breathes, “Yes.”
With my hand, I tip her head up to look at me. “I’m not saying anything to her. Not because I’m not proud to have you as my girl, I am. Actually, I feel like the luckiest damn bastard out there. But because I don’t want to overload you with all that comes along with dating a celebrity. Eventually, it will come out, but right now… I want you for myself,” I smile at her before kissing her lips lightly.
Laughing softly, she leans into me. “That’s fine by me.”
“Good. Now let me show you how your man makes a complete fool of himself,” I laugh as I pull her to stand with me.
We make it to the door just as Gary opens it. “Oh good. They’re ready for you. Why don’t you head on in there. I want to talk to Bella a moment. Alexis is already here making her usual demands.”
Sighing, I lean down and kiss my girl. “See you soon, beautiful.”
Bella
Watching him walk to the building, I chuckle as he keeps looking behind him smiling. My heart is racing at the thought of the risk I am taking here. He is the only person that can truly hurt me. But by the same token, he’s the only one that can truly save me and help me live.
Right now, he’s worth the risk. I just hope I don’t regret it later. Turning my attention to Gary, I worry about what it is he wants to talk to me about.
“Listen, I won’t beat around the bush here. Alexis wants AJ. She has made no attempt in hiding that fact. So, I wanted to warn you that she will be throwing herself at him in some very obscene ways, but try not to think anything of it. He is truly in love with you. I’ve never seen him so happy. I guess there is really only one question to ask you. Do you trust him?”
Blinking up at him, I am in shock. My head is screaming at me to tell Gary that I trust no one. But my heart screams that I trust them. The question really was which do I listen to?
A clear thought forms shockingly quickly. “I trust him… and you,” I breathe.
The shock on Gary’s face makes me laugh. He’s just as shocked as I am. But the thing is, it’s the truth. I do trust them. Will it be easy to see her fawning all over him? No definitely not, but if she got out of hand, I’ll have to set her straight.
“Well, okay. Let’s get in here and hopefully save your man.”
We start walking in the direction of his sound check and I laugh. The sound of him being my man fills me with such excitement I almost start skipping. Gary grabs my elbow and pulls me to a stop.
“I want you to know that if you ever need me, you can contact me at any time of the day or night. I’ve already programmed my number into your phone.”
Without a second thought, I hug him. The kindness that Ace and Gary have shown me since yesterday is indescribable. In less than twenty-four hours, I went from having nothing to having everything.
“Thank you,” I sniffle.
We turn and walk toward the building. I see something out of the corner of my eye and my heart begins to race, but when I turn to look in that direction there’s nothing there. Shaking my head, I continue on into the building.
Gary and I stood off in the back as I watch in awe as Ace sings and dances on the stage. He is gorgeous and he is mine. Oh my gosh! He’s mine!
Just as his song, Lost in You wraps up, I watch as a perky, pencil thin blonde walks toward the stage. It’s no doubt this is the woman that wants my man. Glaring as I watch her get up on the stage and touch Ace’s arm.
“Oh Ace, baby, you get better and better every time I hear you. You spoil me with these private performances,” she gushes.
Turning, I look up at Gary and roll my eyes mouthing ‘oh palease’ at him. Gary laughs. Looking back at the stage, Ace skirts around her and down toward the first row of seating. She follows behind him. When he sits down in a chair, she practically sits on top of him. When he moves another chair over, she follows.