Her voice is soft and garbled with the pain of her loss as she answers me, “I want you; I need you.”
I don’t wait for any other words. She didn’t run to just anyone for comfort, she ran to me. She wants me and I want her; forever.
With one slow, gentle push, electric pulses course through my body making my heart drum and igniting an immediate groan to barrel up from my chest. A surge of emotion nearly overwhelms me, but I never take my eyes off of her. Her hair splays across the pillow around her head as her back comes off the bed and a breathy whimper fills my ear drums.
Softly sliding one arm beneath her shoulder blade and the other around her body, I pull her closer, concentrating on not rushing this moment. Her head falls back over and over, side to side as breathy sighs and moans move over her lips. I capture a few with my mouth, tasting and never getting enough. Slowly trailing my lips over the fine, tantalizing line of her jaw, I can’t hold back any longer. My heart may rupture if I don’t tell her now.
“I love you, Alyssa. I love you so much.”
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, the fire between us blazes, pulling me under until shockwaves are vibrating throughout my body; down my legs, up my torso and then centralizing. My neck dips forward and I suck in the sweet perfume of her skin as I gasp out loud with a final shift of my body. A few loud whimpers sound in my ear as she clings to me.
The soft touch of her skin against mine and the tingling sensations that still rage inside of me strangle my breathing as I lean against her, still gasping for air. Never has there been a time that we have been like this and not said I love you to each other. It makes my heart ache and honestly, it scares me.
“Tell me you love me, please,” I whisper softly over the tender skin of her earlobe as I work to catch my breath.
Instantly, I lean up to gauge her reaction and like a magnet her hands find my face as she stares back at me. I look straight into her eyes, waiting, nearly wanting to beg for the words. Her eyes shift and her fingertips slowly descend from my cheek, down the side of my face and land right where I suspected it would. Now she waits and watches, almost studying me. I don’t have to ask; I don’t have to think about it. Quickly running my tongue over my lips to moisten them, I press my lips together in a sort-of-smile and feel the familiar dip in my cheek. Her eyes sparkle as she looks at me, glancing from my eyes to my cheek with a hint of a smile that fills me with gratitude and hope. Then I hear it; the words that make my heart sail.
“I love you, Judd.”
I don’t sweep her up and kiss her with all the passion that is spilling from my heart like I want to, instead I stay calm and slide off of her, knowing more than anything that she needs my arms tonight; my strength.
“Come here. I want to hold you.”
And that is exactly what I do, but as soon as a few tears start to dampen my chest, she sits up with her thighs on either side of my hips and pulls me up to her. Slightly moving her hips around, I immediately know what her intensions are. I’ve been here before and it doesn’t wipe away the pain; it only delays it and holds it off until it is crashing down on you again.
Running my hand down to her hip then encircling her small waist, I stop her while gently running my other hand over her cheek, in a calming caress.
“Alyssa, baby, no. You can’t run from this. You can’t hide. You have to face this. I know it’s hard, baby … believe me I know. We’ll face this together. If you will let me, I will hold your hand through it all, I promise, but you have to face this. Otherwise, all that pain and hurt is going to come crashing down on you. You have to figure out a way to cope with it now while it’s fresh.”
My heart shatters as I stare into her eyes and all I want to do is steal her away from all the pain and suffering that has burrowed deep into her heart. I’m trying desperately to be strong for her, to not cave to my own feelings of loss, because I truly did love her father as if he were my own, but as soon as she speaks, it’s nearly my undoing.
“I don’t know if I can,” she whispers in a broken, almost inaudible tone that damn near rips my heart out.
“You can. I know you can.”
She collapses against me, letting the crushing weight of losing her dad drag her down. I can see it; every ripple of pain that runs through her, I feel it too. I pull her tight to my side with my arm fully around her so that maybe I can shield some of the grief from swallowing her up.
All through the night, tidal waves of hurt and agony attack her, but I don’t let go. What once was filled with laughter and the sweet sounds of our love when we lay in this bed, my bedroom now is filled with traumatic sobs that have my own eyes shedding tears and my insides screaming to stay strong. She shakes and shudders against me as I gently shush her and whisper all that my heart holds.
A river of tears dampens the sheet beneath us and my abdomen, but I don’t move. After nearly an hour or so, her body stills and she only lets out a painful whine every few minutes. Exhaustion soon takes over, but I still refuse to close my eyes even though sleep is clawing its way through me.
Nearly an hour later, all is silent and I still force myself from falling asleep, but it becomes more and more impossible.
“Shhhhh,” I murmur, my eyes weighted down and my breathing deepening. “Shhhhh,” I barely get out before darkness surrounds me.
A tender touch dances over my lips and starts to rouse me, although sleep keeps a firm grip, holding me down and under the warmth of darkness. I can’t see her face, but my ears barely pick up on Alyssa’s soft voice as if she is speaking through a tunnel.
“I love you …” Her words bring a sense of serenity over me that I’ve never felt, but then I pick up on more moving further away. “… bye, Judd,” I flinch with the desire and need to wake, but unable to pull myself out of the veil of exhaustion.
Don’t go … don’t run … not from me. I call out a desperate silent plea before more garbled noise from a distance finally forces me from the hands of sleep. Slowly peeling my eyes open, sunlight bleeds through the blinds and has me squinting to look around.
The bed beside me is vacant and the room is silent. Instantly my heart rate kicks up as I remember a dream or a memory of Alyssa saying goodbye. Swinging my head to the left so fast that a slicing pain shoots down my neck, I see that it is already well into the morning hours. Shit!
Without a single thought or care in the world for whether anyone is here or not, I bolt up out of bed, spring to my feet and race out my door with only the sheet clutched around my waist. Evan’s face snaps up from the couch as I search the room, but come up empty. She’s gone.
“Where is she?” I ask panicked.
“Ahhh, can you put some clothes on?”
I jerk my head to the side, instantly aggravated at his nonchalant tone. “Where is she!?”
“Calm down. She’s fine,” Evan says with his hands raised in surrender as he slowly rises from the couch.
I can’t calm down. I can’t do anything. I need to find her.
“Where is she?” I say again, this time raising my voice with so much panic and adrenaline racing through me that I’m about to run for my truck and comb the street with only the security of a thin white sheet.
“Ok … I … don’t...know …” he drags out his words softly, moving in front of me with his hands held out as if I’m a dog foaming at the mouth. His expression switches from alert to surprise and I realize my eyebrows are drawn down to the point of making my head hurt and the skin on my forehead feeling tight and strained. “Wait … ok, I don’t know where she went but I assumed that her dad …” he stops talking and looks at me with a question in his eyes.
“What about her dad? I thought …” my heart stops. Did I misunderstand everything?
He sighs and puts his hands down, now standing directly in front of me, all while I still stand here in only a sheet.
“She said she was going to say goodbye to her dad so I assumed that he might have passed …” he says the last part with hesit
ation.
I breathe out a heart wrenching breath, partly for the awareness that Alex is no longer on this Earth today and also because I hate that I can’t be with her.
“When did she leave?” my voice cracks and all I want to do is run after her, because I know that is what she is doing. She is running; running from the pain, running from any source of added torture and running from us, because to stay would only hurt more.
THE DAY GOES BY torturously slow and it’s a struggle to function; to not fall apart. All that runs through my head is how I’ve lost everything all over again. I just found my place in life and now it’s gone. I’m not quite sure where to go from here; what to do.
Fortunately, Evan conveniently decides to hang out at the apartment all day and keep me preoccupied with useless conversation. Although my mood is as foul as they come, I welcome the distraction and let loose a couple brief smiles. Without him, I’d be wallowing or possibly even racing to her doorstep to plead my side, when really, all she needs right now is to be with her family no matter how brutal the pain is.
Returning to my room earlier today, I found a note she left for me on my phone. I screen captured the image, prepared to save it forever. For now, I study every last word with my insides closing in on me at the absence of her signature ‘I love you’ at the end of the message.
Judd … I’m sorry I came here last night. I really shouldn’t have, but thank you for being here when I needed you most. I know there is so much that needs to be said, but I just need time. I can’t deal with everything right now.
After reading over it for the hundredth time, I decide to send her a message. A small inner voice has been gnawing at me to call or text her all day; that she needs me.
Me: I know you said you need time, but I just want you to know you have been on my mind all day. You all have been. Alyssa, I love you so much!
As expected, I don’t hear back from her, and cannot manage to get a good night’s sleep. This all feels way too familiar, and the fact that I can’t be there to hold her is slowly killing me. I promised Alex.
Work and school drag by and all I can imagine is Alyssa sitting in her room crying. Each day is another day without her and another day that the happiness that I found with her is drained from my life, leaving me lost and wondering if this will be my forever.
Standing in the snack aisle of the grocery store, I lean back against the cool metal shelving that houses the peanuts while Evan takes a decade to pick out a simple bag of chips.
“Hurry up, will ya,” I say impatiently, because today is Alex’s viewing.
“Chill out. These things take time,” Evan pipes up, reaching for a gigantic bag of plain wavy chips and a jar of dip. “Hey, did you use my shampoo? I went to use some and …”
With my hand drawn up in front of me, his voice tunes out as I stare at the conversation between Abby and I from earlier today; the clamps on my heart tighten.
Me: Hey. How are you holding up? I’ve been thinking about you all and I hope you know, if there is anything I can do, I’m here …
Abby: Hey. As good as expected. It’s funny … I hated Dad’s workshop a couple summer’s ago when I was forced to help Alyssa with a birdhouse, but now I just can’t seem to leave it. I feel like he is still here as long as I am sitting on his old stool I sometimes even think I can hear the faint sounds of his drill running. Lol! Silly, I know.
Me: It’s not silly, at all! It’s absolutely normal to feel all that and to feel their presence. I’m sure he is watching over you every second you are sitting at that bench. You should make something … shock the hell out of him. Lol!
Abby: Hahaha! It would! And he would be cracking up the whole time wishing he could explain to me the correct way to hold a hammer. “Don’t hold it so far down, honey and don’t tap the nail … swing at it.” Lmao! I can actually hear him now.
My heart tugs as I read where she typed ‘lmao’, because I know laughter isn’t easy at this point; it won’t be for a while, but I have no doubt that Alex is in that garage with her.
Me: Lol!
Abby: Btw, his viewing is at 4-8 today, downtown at Ripply’s Funeral Home. I think you should be there. Dad would want you there.
Me: Are you sure? I want to come … to be there, but I don’t want to upset Alyssa more.
Abby: She will be fine and besides, you were family … she knows that. You should be there. If you are afraid to upset her, just stay on the other side of the room. Seriously though, I think she would be happy to see you. I’ve caught her gawking at your name on her phone a couple times. My bet is that she misses you.
Me: Thanks for telling me that. I miss her, too. And thanks for asking me to come. Yes, I will be there.
Abby: C-ya then. :)
“Are you listening to me?”
I look up and notice Evan halfway down the aisle with a few things balanced between his arms.
“They have carts for a reason.”
“No way, those things are lame. Besides, I start lugging one of those around with me, people might get the wrong idea about us, and assume you’re my girlfriend,” he chuckles.
“Hey, why am I the girlfriend?”
“A, because you keep staring at your phone like you’re gabbing with your Bff. B, because you’re the one that suggested for me to get a cart and C, because no way I’d be the chick.”
Shaking my head and letting out a genuine snicker at his logic, I give up arguing. All that would do is fuel him to take a jab at my clothing or how I need to get a haircut.
I quickly shove my phone back into my pocket and tread behind him to the shampoo aisle, watching as he grazes over the varieties, even though each and every time he ends up getting the same stuff.
“Oh … get on with it already,” I urge him with a deep sigh as my eyes flick over the shelf to the side of him and catch on a familiar looking bottle.
“As I said before these things take time. When do you need to leave for the viewing anyways? You have a couple hours, right?” Evan asks as he carefully wedges another item in his arms.
“Mmmhmmm,” I answer, completely zoned in on the shampoo sitting eye level, across from me.
A pitcher of cream being poured over an overflowing mess of strawberries adorns the cover of the plastic bottle and I have no doubt that it’s the same shampoo I’ve seen Alyssa use a dozen or more times. I miss her.
“Hey, you ready?”
“Oh yeah …”
Turning to follow him, I take one more glance at the bottle then swing my head around to see if anyone else is in the aisle before I slip my hand out and snatch it up. Quickly flipping up the snap-top cap, I bring it to my nose and inhale, immediately hit with a wave of strawberries and cream that smells just like Alyssa’s hair and skin. My eyes seal shut instantly and my heart drums as if she is in my arms; as if my face is buried in her neck with handfuls of her hair tickling my nose.
“Geez … what are you doing?! See, I told you you’d be the chick.”
Opening my eyes and spinning my head around, Evan stands only steps away looking at me like I’ve lost it. Maybe I am the chick.
“What?” I spit out in an innocent tone. I’m totally turning into a girl, but he doesn’t have to know I think that. “It’s the shampoo that Alyssa uses. It just reminds me of her, so I was … What?!”
Evan stares at me, his mouth gaped open and I just know … just know it’s only a matter of time until he …
“Were we having a moment?” his sarcastic, amused tone interrupts my train of thought.
I glare at him, tucking the shampoo bottle under my arm and perfectly confident in purchasing it. He keeps an eye on my hand as I slip it back to the shelf and scoop up a matching conditioner to file under my bicep beside the other bottle. I snicker at his bored expression as he turns and walks out of the aisle.
“Come on, Sally. We’ll swing by the tampon aisle before we leave so you can grab some of those, too. You need a cart?”
And there it is …
/> My lips curl into a smile and we both laugh out loud as I look over, knowing he’s another blessing that God sent into my life after Mom died. I would have never survived without his friendship.
Three o’clock rolls around and I’m already fixed up in a black dress jacket, black slacks, a crisp white button down that I bought after we left the grocery store and a new tie. Running into the bathroom, I do my best to tame my mess of hair that is in bad need of a cut then race back to the living room.
“Ok, I’m going to leave. I can’t handle just sitting here. It’s going to make me a nervous wreck.”
I swipe my sweaty palms across my slacks then hastily shove them into my pockets as Evan watches with a smirk.
“You’ll be fine,” he mumbles between crunching on a chip.
My chest expands on a deep inhale as I flip around and grab my keys and phone off the island before walking to the door, scared to death to do this. It’s been years since I’ve stepped inside a funeral home and my heart is lodged into my throat with the anxiety that all of it will come crashing back down on me, every memory of the day my mom was laid to rest. Sliding my hand around the hard metal surface of the door knob, Evan stops me in my tracks.
“You want me to come with? You know, for moral support.”
I look back and smile; proud that he is my friend. “Thanks, but I think I should do this alone.”
He nods in understanding with a tight-lipped smile as I slip away, wracked with fear, apprehension and trepidation.
I can do this … I can do this, I chant over and over as I drive to the funeral home and park, sitting quietly in my truck as Alyssa’s family drives up. She gets out of the back seat and I truly need all the will power in the world to hold me back from stopping her. She tugs at the bottom of her black dress then her arms automatically wrap around her waist, making me envious of them. I wish I were those arms right now. Tipping her head back before she walks inside the building, her hair dips down her back in a meticulously woven braid, and I wonder for an instant if she is saying a prayer or perhaps talking to her dad.
Catch My Breath Page 49