by S. Nelson
Can life be that horrific to throw at me what it did, only to be eaten alive by some damn hungry beasts? Am I in the middle of a fairytale gone awry? Before I can give in to my budding paranoia, I see a small light off in the distance, shining between the trees, flashing back and forth rather quickly.
The air swirls around me and my name is floating on a whisper in the wind, sending instant dread deep into my core. Is this the end? Am I going to die right here? Is that the light everyone talks about at the finality of their lives? Is the light even for me?
Then I hear my name again, but this time it’s getting closer and closer as the seconds tick by.
Finally, I hear it loud and clear. “Essie!” is shouted from somewhere off in the distance, directly in front of where I’m standing. And there it is again. “Essie!” This time, it’s followed by a bright light.
I stand still, not wanting to move for fear of what I’ll run into. But after a heart-pounding couple minutes, I realize it’s Drayden who is calling out for me. I release the pent-up fear and dismay I’m holding onto.
Once he sees me, he quickly runs the last few yards to get to me. When he reaches me, he seizes me, holds me at arm’s length to inspect me and then pulls me into his body.
“Jesus Christ, Essie! What the hell are you doing out here all by yourself?” I’m oddly comforted by his worried tone, and it’s enough for me to grasp onto his arm and pull myself even closer to him. I’ll never get used to the effect this man has over me.
My nose is nestled close to his pulse point and he’s intoxicating. My body feels a stirring which has been missing for quite some time. He feels like home. But I have to push all of those thoughts from my mind because there can never be anything between the two of us, even if I do witness his subtle glances at me from time to time. For my own emotional safety, I can’t read into those looks for more than what they really are. I’m someone who has gone through a tragedy. Someone who he feels he needs to take care of until I’m better.
But will I ever actually be better?
I know I’m selfish, but I’m doing everything I can to keep my head above water. For the million times he’s asked me how I’m doing, not once do I ask him this in return. I know he’s hurting as much as I am, but I act like I don’t give a damn about his wellbeing. But I see it. I see it in the dark circles under his eyes and the way he carries himself. He’s even more distant than before, this time out of grief and not out of anger toward me.
Drayden gently shakes me again when I still don’t answer him. My eyes catch his in the dark and I finally find my words. “I went for a walk earlier,” I hastily say. “I fell asleep and the next thing I know, it’s dark and I couldn’t find my way back.”
“Please don’t do that again, okay? I was worried when Hedge and Donna said the last time they saw you was eight hours ago. I thought something bad had happened to you.” I know what he really means. I thought you did something bad to yourself. He kisses the top of my head. “You don’t know how worried I was.”
For as much as those thoughts run through my mind, I would never fatally hurt myself. Half because I simply don’t have the nerve to do it, but half because I can’t put any more pain on this man.
I don’t say anything in response; I just place my hand in his when he starts leading us out of the wooded area and back to his house. Once we’re inside, I take off toward my room. I need the warm spray of the water to help wash away the barrage of emotions I’ve just experienced in the span of thirty minutes.
I’m fully naked and ready to step into the shower when I sense movement to my left. I look over and see Drayden standing in the doorway of the bathroom. He isn’t leering at me, but he does look me up and down before landing back on my face. I know in that instant his look isn’t one of sexual desire but instead one of concern. He’s checking to see if I’m injured in any way. And of course I’m not. Not in the physical sense, at least.
We stare at each other for a few minutes more before I break the connection and step in the shower. But instead of hearing his retreating footsteps, I feel the cool breeze of the shower door being opened and then closed just as quickly. My head is bent down, letting the water cascade over my hair and down my shoulders. I don’t want to turn around. I don’t want to see that what I thought was Drayden getting into the shower with me is only really a figment of my imagination. Another fantasy messing with me.
But sure enough, I feel his warm hands circle around my waist and pull me backward until his body is resting on mine, his heated skin caressing my own. He leans down and kisses my shoulder, his lips lingering on my flesh for countless seconds. Even without me turning around I know he’s only trying to comfort me, but I can’t figure out why he’s going to this extreme. I know he feels some sort of guilt or compassion or whatever you want to call it toward me, but he’s never displayed this level of intimacy toward me.
Ever.
But I’m not going to second guess it for once. I’ll just go with it and give in. I don’t expect anything to happen and if I’m being honest, even though I’m turned on by Drayden, I don’t want to indulge in anything sexual. The act of sex is the furthest thing from my mind. But this act of intimacy he’s pushing on me is doing wonders to help soothe our wounded souls.
I want to feel closer to him, so I turn and wrap my arms around his waist. As soon as our bodies are molded together again, I start to cry. His arms tighten around me as he leans down and kisses my cheeks, trying to erase my salty tears. “Shhh, I know,” he whispers as his breath caresses my ear.
I cry harder.
When my body is done releasing my grief yet again, I still in his hold. “I’m sorry, Drayden.” My sorry is for so many things I don’t even wish to break them down. It is an all-encompassing sorry.
He doesn’t respond to my apology, instead turning me back around toward the spray of the water. Leaning down, he lifts the shampoo, pours some into his hand and starts to wash my hair. The act is so comforting and telling of what he’s trying to do for me right then and there. He follows suit with the conditioner then makes his way to the body wash.
Eventually, he spins me so I’m facing him again. He squirts a generous amount of liquid on the loofa and starts rubbing it gently against my skin. When he crouches down, I witness the way his muscles ripple as he tries to steady himself. He starts down by my feet, working his way up my body very slowly. “Open your legs for me, Ess.”
Okay, two things are off. One, he has never called me Ess before, so I’m a little thrown off by the affectionate nickname. And two, the fact that he asks me to open my legs should be a strike to my simmering lust. But it isn’t. He’s taking care of me in the only way he knows he can. He can’t soothe my emotional state, so he settles for my physical one.
I do as he asks and spread my legs for him. He guides the sponge up the inside of each inner thigh before slightly running it over my core. He instantly stills as he hears me gasp, but I can’t help it. It’s too much, in every way. I’m still physically recovering from what happened, but it’s more than that. That was the only bond, if you will, Drayden and I ever shared. And for him to be touching me there, in this innocent way, is a lot to deal with. I want him to stop and leave me alone but at the same time, my body is screaming for him to continue to lavish me with the only form of affection he’s been able to show me.
I close my eyes as he finishes washing me because I don’t want him to witness the raw emotion hiding behind my eyes. I don’t want him to be able to read me like a book, pushing him to take even more pity on me. No, I want to keep all of that concealed from him for as long as possible.
At one point, when I do dare to open my eyes, I’m gifted with the sight of his engorged arousal. He looks down at me and swallows forcefully. Then he simply continues washing me until he finishes.
Once he’s completely done with me, he gets out of the shower first and wraps a towel around his waist. Then he grabs one for me and holds his arms open so I can walk into them. Leadi
ng me back toward the bedroom, he helps me to bed, tucking me in but not before removing the wet towel first, leaving me naked in front of him once again.
“Dray?” I say, using his nickname.
“Yeah?”
“Will you stay with me tonight?” Tomorrow, I’m going to tell him I’m leaving. So tonight, I want to revel in his warm embrace a little while longer before it’s nothing but a distant memory.
He looks pensive at first but soon agrees to stay the night.
“I’ll be right back.” He leaves the room, returning a few minutes later dressed in a pair of boxer briefs. I’m both disappointed and relieved at the same time. Once he’s situated, I roll over toward him and lay my head on his strong chest, breathing in the scent of him and trying to commit it to memory. His hand wraps around my waist and he snuggles in close, gently kissing my forehead before we both drift off to sleep.
The next morning, I awake alone and there is a pang of dread plucking at my heart. I knew this day was coming, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I get dressed and pack up whatever personal belongings I have before making my way downstairs to go in search of Drayden. I’m not sure what his reaction is going to be but I know whatever it is, it isn’t something I’m going to be happy with. If he agrees wholeheartedly it’s time for me to leave, I’ll be crushed. And if he tries to stop me, I’ll be devastated he’s trying to drag out the inevitable.
Either way, I’m surely in for an emotional morning.
{ Chapter 27 }
Approaching his office with heavy trepidation, there’s a tingling sensation of worry and dread mingling through my heart and mind. I shake my head, as if that will rid me of this feeling. I stand up straight and decide it’s time. I’m preparing myself for what’s to come, for Drayden’s reaction, whatever it might be.
I know the time has come for me to say goodbye, even though my heart is telling me to stay and….well, I’m not sure what I would do if I stayed here with him. Pretend like we’re a normal couple? Pretend this history between us doesn’t exist?
No. That can never be.
I got myself into this mess all those months ago, and now it is time for me to get myself out of it.
I raise my hand and knock on his home office door. I’m not quite sure why I take that approach because I’ve never knocked before. If anything, I used to barge in on him on purpose just to piss him off. But now, I want to be respectful. I’m trying to change, in every way, and if this is the first step to my new transformation then so be it.
“Come in,” he calls out from inside the large room.
He’s seated behind a grand desk and his eyes are focused on the computer in front of him. Until I enter the room. Cocking his head to the side, he studies me for a brief minute. Then his eyes lock on my suitcase and his brows draw closely together, looking both confused and a tad upset.
It’s now or never.
“Drayden, I came in here to tell you I’m leaving. It’s not good for either one of us to drag this out, and while I appreciate you letting me stay here after…” I close my eyes for a second, mustering up the strength to complete my thought, “…it’s just better I go.”
“I disagree.” He rises and rounds the desk before crushing the space between us with a few long strides. “I think you should stay here. With me.” Reaching out to take my hand, he pulls me closer to him so our bodies are almost touching.
A shot of desire races through me but I shove it back, not allowing myself to let hormones talk me out of what I know is the right thing to do, for my sanity. Yes, we don’t argue and push each other’s buttons like we had for so many months, but things are not like I had hoped. He wants me to stay out of pity and I want to go because of guilt. Guilt of what I have put him through and guilt of what my continued stay will only bring him.
I step back but continue to hold his gaze. “It’s better I leave and leave today. I can’t stay here.”
“Why, Essie? Why can’t you stay here? Where else do you even have to go?” His features are tight, trying to figure out what he should do right now. His teeth are harassing his bottom lip, drawing it in and out of his mouth, torturing it until he finally releases it in a huff.
“I’ll figure it out. I always do.” I lean back into him and kiss him on the cheek. My lips linger on his skin and I try to commit this moment to memory. It’s sweet and sad all wrapped up in one. I finally pull back from him and speak again. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I know it wasn’t ideal in the beginning,”—I give him a slight smirk at that one—“but you treated me kindly when you didn’t have to.”
He exhales and walks back toward his desk, looking for something in the top drawer. “I really wish you would change your mind. Honestly, you can stay here as long as you want to.” He’s rummaging through the drawer some more, moving papers all around until he finds what he’s looking for. Once he has it, he makes his way back over toward me. He extends his hand and tries to give me a piece of paper.
I’m utterly confused. What is he giving me? Since I make no attempt to take it from him, he takes possession of my hand and places it in my palm.
“What is this?”
“Look at it,” he tells me.
When I unravel the paper, I quickly realize it’s a check.
For five million dollars.
Once it dawns on me it’s not a fake, I shove it back at him, urging him to take it from me. I shake my head, my eyes practically bugging with the realization of what he just gave me.
The old me would have taken the check and ran. But now, I don’t want to be anything like that person. I don’t want to take advantage of anyone anymore. I want to be better. I want to earn my own way in this world from here on out. If life has taught me anything in these past months, it’s that karma has a way of coming back on you and making you her bitch.
“Please, Drayden. Take it back.” I try to shove it into his hand again but he takes a step back, making sure I’m unsuccessful in my attempts. “I don’t want your money.”
“But you need it, and I want to give it to you, Essie.”
“I don’t need five million dollars.” Yes, I need some of it to survive on, but I’m not going to tell him that. I briskly walk past him and put the check on top of his desk, making sure to make a sound as I slam it down on the wood.
“Don’t be stubborn, Essie. What are you going to do for money? Where are you going to live? You can’t go back to living in the shit-hole where I found you.”
“Like I said, I’ll figure it out.”
I swing around and make my way to the door but he races ahead of me, blocking my escape from his office.
“If you won’t take my money then please let me find you a decent place to live. I can pay for your housing and expenses. That way, I know you won’t be worrying about having a roof over your head. You’ve got enough on your plate as it is. Please, let me do this for you.” When he sees my hesitation, he jumps at his opportunity. “I want to do this for you, Ess.”
Since I know he isn’t going to let up, I come up with the perfect compromise. “Okay, but on one condition.”
“Name it,” he says as a smile starts to upturn his full lips.
“Once I find a job, I will not only foot my own bill going forward but I will pay you back every last red cent I owe you.” I’m standing firm on this. I really do need a place to go, that part I hadn’t really thought through too well, but I’m not going to let him pay my bills. I look up and see him start to smirk so I have to add, “And I’m not living somewhere I can’t eventually afford on my own.”
His smirk quickly fades.
“What kind of job are you going to look for?” he asks me.
“I was thinking I would try to see if there are any little bakeries which are hiring.” He looks at me a bit confused so I elaborate why I would pick that choice. “One of my foster mothers taught me how to bake and I really enjoyed it. She was the only one who was ever kind to me, so I used to pretend she was my real mom an
d my life was normal for once, if only for a brief moment. But it didn’t last too long. She ended up dying after only six months of me being there, so I was shipped off to another home.” I look off into thin air, remembering one of the only happy memories of my dreadful childhood. When I come back to reality, I look back up at him and wait for him to say something. Anything. I don’t like talking about my past, and I’m looking for him to break the uncomfortable silence looming between us.
But he’s just smiling at me, his lips turned up into the biggest grin I have ever seen.
“What?” I ask him, not quite sure if I want to know the answer.
“Dela owns a bakery. How perfect is that? I’m sure she needs some help, what with having to take care of four kids and everything.”
There is no way I ever expected those words to come out of his mouth. Is he trying to be my knight in shining armor or something? Because he’s succeeding. But of course, I have my reservations. “No, no, no. It’s not a good idea, Drayden. I want to find something on my own.”
“Do you want to leave here, Essie? Do you want to start over?” He looks pensive as he peppers me with questions.
“Yes,” I answer, short and to the point.
“Then let me arrange this for you, and when the time is right, you can search for another place to work. But in the meantime, this is a start.”
I think about it for a couple minutes, all the while glancing over at him, pacing back and forth in front of me. “Okay, fine. But it’s only temporary.”
“Okay, good!” he exclaims, clasping his hands together in triumph. “Now, why don’t you take your bags back to your room and I’ll start the search for your new place.”
“How about I take my bags back to my room and we both look for my new place.” He’s still trying to take all of the control.
“Fine.”
“Fine,” I repeat. All the way back to my room, I have a small smile on my face. While the thought of actually doing something as mundane as looking for an apartment would be a pain in the ass for most people, I’m happy I’m going to be able to spend a little bit more time with Drayden.