by Tara Sivec
“Don’t you mean, you can’t believe you get to spend the rest of your life with the woman of your dreams?” I ask.
“Yeah, yeah, that too. At least I have a threesome to look forward to for our one-year-anniversary,” he says with a smile.
“Guess what? We decided to have a Halloween wedding!” Scheva announces, pulling away from Noel.
“Oh, my God. That will be so much fun!” Noel agrees.
Her smile suddenly falls.
“Wait a minute. A Halloween wedding? Shit. I’ll be ready to give birth at Halloween,” Noel groans.
“I know, isn’t it perfect?! I already decided you would dress up as the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and now you won’t have to wear a fat suit since you’ll be HUGE!” Scheva tells her.
“Oh, fuck off! I am NOT wearing a Pillsbury Dough Boy costume, you giant vagina!” Noel argues.
“YOU’RE the one who will have a giant vagina after you push that kid out, twat face,” Scheva fires back.
The two women continue to fight back and forth, and Alex sighs next to me.
“This is so hot. I hope they start wrestling soon.”
“That’s my pregnant wife you’re talking about,” I tell him with a punch in the arm.
“Don’t tell me you think pregnant porn isn’t hot.”
For the next half hour, Noel and Scheva continue their argument about Alex and Scheva’s Halloween wedding, while Bev and Aunt Bobbie manage to get the neighborhood calmed down and assembled back in the yard to have pictures taken with the Drag Bunny.
Alex and I carried out a white, high-back chair from Bev and Reggie’s living room when we got back from church earlier for Reggie to sit on for the pictures, and placed it in front of the shrubs filled with plastic Easter eggs.
Every single photo Bev takes with her Polaroid camera has a child on Reggie’s lap who he has to tightly restrain with his giant fluffy bunny arms, while the poor kid is screaming, crying, and reaching for his or her parent.
As Noel and I stand off to the side of the yard and watch the last of the pictures being taken, I wrap my arm around her shoulder as she leans into my side and rests her head on my chest.
“The parents are going to burn those photos as soon as they get home,” she laughs, as Bev pulls a film out of the camera, shakes it a few times, and waits for the parent to quickly scoop their crying kid off of Reggie’s lap before she hands it to them.
“Happy Easter, baby,” I tell her as I kiss the top of her head.
She angles her face up to me and smiles.
“Happy Easter, daddy-to-be.”
Just hearing those words fills me with so much excitement and happiness; I almost can’t stand it.
“Should we start placing bets now about Alex and Scheva’s Halloween wedding and how much of a hot mess it will be?” I ask her.
“I don’t know, maybe our holiday jinx is finally lifted. I mean, honestly, what more could possibly go wrong for us around the holidays?” she asks, sliding her arms around my waist and squeezing me tightly. “I have a feeling this Halloween, we might actually celebrate a normal, non-dysfunctional holiday.”
“I AM NOT GOING TO MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP! I’M A GOOD BUNNY WITH EXCELLENT TASTE IN FASHION! STOP BEING SO INSENSITIVE!” Reggie shouts as he jumps up from his chair and hops after a little boy who refuses to sit on his lap.
“Maybe we should have your mom and her quilting guild start praying about Halloween now,” I tell Noel.
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” she agrees as we both run across the yard to help Reggie grab the poor little kid who will probably never sleep again, and grow up hating Easter for the rest of his life.
The End
Celebrate Halloween with the Holidays family:
tarasivec.com/book/halloween-bundle
Acknowledgements
Once again, thank you to Scheva Hurm for letting me turn you into a character who is a hot mess. Although you don’t really have a choice in the matter at this point. I bet you’re wishing you’d never bid on that charity auction item to have a character named after you. #schevaheartsherpes
Thank you to Michelle Kannan and Valerie Potjeau for reading this insanity while I wrote it and for not wanting to end our friendship immediately.
Thank you to all the readers who continue to embrace this crazy family and want more from them. I’m sorry that you’re all probably going to hell now after reading this one.
Last but not least, thank you to my Tramps for being the most supportive and bat shit crazy fans ever!