Complicated Love

by K. London, Lilah

  "Come on. I don't have a date. Neither do you, right? Lane is going with Rachel. That much is now obvious."

  "Lane can go with who he wants. We are only friends. "

  "Yeah right. Friends. He is my best friend. I see the way you look at him. I am not that dumb."

  "You’re not dumb at all."

  "Whatever. If you say so.” He shrugs." I am not going into this blind. I just want you to give me a chance. I like you. A lot. Plus, I don't have all that baggage that Lane has with his parents. My folks will love you. "

  "Okay." I whisper.

  "Yes!" He hugs me to his great big ole chest. I hug him back.

  Lane

  "You’re going to the prom with who?" I ask Slone. I know he did not just say Keira. I have never considered kicking his ass, but today seems like a good day.

  " Keira," he says plainly. "You heard me dude. "

  "So are y'all like a couple?"

  He shrugs. He won’t make eye contact with me, "I guess. She's been hanging out with me the past few weekends. Her and mom are like BFF’s now. It’s kind of cute. My parents are freaking in love her." Oh great. He's grinning like a dummy. They may not be the only one in love with her.

  "What about you?” The words come out before I can stop them.

  He looks all crazy at me. "What about me?"

  "Are you in love with her?” I force the words out.

  "Love is a big deal. I like her, really like her… a lot," he nods. "I could love her. She's easy to love." He stands up. Slone is bigger than me and stronger than me but I will not be intimidated by him. He has been protecting me for years on the field. But I run the plays. He can never forget that.

  So I stand meeting his gaze. There is testosterone zinging through the room. He furrows his brow and tilts his head at me. "Is this going to be problem?" He asks.

  I should say yes. I mean Keira and I are friends, right? Or we were. We haven’t seen much of each other lately. She goes from school to work. Then she’s with Slone on the weekends. I should be happy. He found a great girl. One that is beautiful and kind. She is companionate and understands how soft he really is. Plus, I have Rachel, right? I am a crappy friend for even thinking about Keira as anything other than a friend, "Nah dude. No problem."

  "Cool."

  "I gotta go. Campaign pictures today. "

  Slone busts out in laughter. "So your dad is really gonna be the mayor?"

  "I guess. We'll see." I twirl my keys over my finger. "Later dude. "

  "Later."

  Keira

  Slone and I are watching Shrek. We are laughing hysterically at Donkey. Slone is hoot to hang out with. His family is so awesome. Right now, I am laid across his chest. It’s huge and strong. He engulfs me. He is fun to snuggle with and we snuggle a lot.

  His mom brings in pizza. "That’s enough of that. You kids shouldn’t be doing too much of that." She shakes her finger at Slone.

  "I am a grown man mom. Keira is hot. I wanna feel her body against me. " Hw wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

  "Slone!" His mother and I both shout.

  "What? At least I am honest." He grabs my butt.

  I slap his shoulder. "Stop it!" I move his hand.

  "You love it." He sits up with me now in his lap. "I tuck my head on his shoulder. I love his affection.

  His mom and I have been shopping for a dress. It’s a few days till prom. I am ready to put on my dress and my shoes. After the movie with Slone, I have to head out to the hairdresser and get a mani and pedi. Slone groans as I get up to leave. He kisses me goodbye as his mom and I load up in her Suburban.

  "The dress is perfect. Your make-up is beautiful. Slone is gonna love seeing you." His mom gushes. I feel like a bride on her wedding day.

  The door opens and Slone is standing in front of a limousine. He looks so handsome. The driver opens the door. We slide in to enjoy the night.

  Lane

  I see her and my eyes almost pop out my face. I'm staring and I know it.

  My feet move on their own. I can't seem to stop them until I am standing right in front of her.

  "Tell me you don't love me Keira. I dare you. If you don’t love me, I will leave. But you love me. I know it." The words come pouring out of me before I can stop them.

  "Stop it. Just stop it. I care about Slone and he is your best friend. "

  "I love Slone like a brother. But I love you too. I miss you," I finally take a deep breath. "Please Keira, talk to me. Tell me you love me."

  "I can't. I can't be what you want. What you need. Lane....your family is....it’s just too complicated. "

  Damn. My family.I had to be honest with myself. My family would cause any girl I loved to really stop and think. They were complicated and difficult.

  “I get it. My parents aren’t like Slone's parents. His parents are perfect. Mine are messy and inconsiderate. They manipulate and force my hand. But we can work through that."

  "I don’t want to work through it. My life with my mom is complicated enough. I need simple. What are you asking? That I follow you to state university? Be like all the other groupies who want a piece of Lane Callahan? I don’t think so. I have been there .Done that. I am moving on Lane. "

  " No! I want you to be with me. If we have to have a long distance relationship-fine!"

  "Fine? What about Rachel? You have a girlfriend. Did you forget about her? "

  "Rachel and I are complicated," How could he explain? "She's just ..."

  "What? A girl you have sex with? "

  "No!"

  "Really Lane? No! I have seen her literally mark her territory like the bitch that she is. "

  "We do have sex. My parents have always seen us together. They are filling her head with lies about what we are. But what about you and Slone? Aren’t you leading him on, miss oh so innocent?

  “I’m done. I have accepted my scholarship. I am leaving in a month. Slone and I are friends. We care about each other. But we know that a long distance relationship won’t work. "

  "Keira, I love you. I'm scared to be without you. "

  "Lane, I love you too. I'm scared to be without you. But I have to. I can't live in your shadow anymore. Plus you'll have Slone. He’ll always take care of you. He always has. I love you. Go live your life Oh beautiful one."

  Part Two

  Slone

  We are sitting in our dorm room. Call of Duty is blaring out the surround sound. But Lane has this blank stare on his face. He is so unfocused lately. After prom we have talked about Keira a few times. She and are still great friends but that’s it . We are just friends. I know he thinks about her a lot. He still has a pic of her on his phone. So do I, but mine’s not a screen saver.

  "Just admit it, dude. You still love her. You always have. "

  "I don’t want to hurt you. You’re like a brother to me. "

  "I guess I should have known. She never looked at me like she looked at you. I just need to know. Do you really love her?"

  "I do. With all my soul."

  "Then man up."

  He sits silently brooding for a few minutes. "What is it? I mean dude, if I had a chick look at me like that I would marry her today."

  "Yeah. You would. But you have a great family. They love and support you no matter what. Let me ask you something. If you stopped playing football, and just became a student, what would your mother and father say?" Lane asks me.

  "Nothing. I love football so they would probably be concerned. Why? You thinking about quitting?" I sit forward with my hand resting on my knees.

  Lane shrugs in that non-committal kinda way and sigh a deep sigh. "Hell, I don't know man. I'm just tired. I know my parents would freak out if I decided to quit. But -"

  "But you never loved football. I know you only played because your dad was pushing to play like he did. Then we became friends, and you wanted to make everyone happy. Right?"

  I guess he’d never really thought about it. He only became committed to the sport once we became best frie
nds. I have always loved the sport. Lane would do anything for me and I know it. "I guess you’re right. But quitting?"

  "If you don't love it, you can quit. I appreciate that you have stuck with it this long for my sake."

  He looks all nervous. Lane never gets nervous. " My dad would have a fit , man. This is all he has wanted for me. Something drastic would have to happen to make him even let me consider leaving football behind. I mean really drastic."

  "You’re not suicidal or anything are you dude?" I am half joking, but I hope Lane can hear the serious tone in my voice.

  "What?" he turns to look at me. "No way man. I got too much to take care of before I die. But I am thinking about doing a few things different."

  "You said drastic."

  "That too. Not life or death just, " he sits back down and grabs the controller. "I don't know. I gotta do something. I need something different. "

  "I get it man. Just think it through before you do anything too drastic. Okay?"

  He nods. My phone rings. Conversation over. It's one of the many women I have been hanging out with.

  Lane

  I felt the air whoosh out of my lungs. I could hear my name being called over the buzzing and ringing in my head. I see Slone. He looks scared. I roll onto my side. I feel my stomach lurch. The sound is becoming clearer. The trainer is walking towards me. I rise to my feet. Do you know where you are? Callahan? I am at the stadium in my uniform. My stomach lurches again. I wave the trainer off. I stumble to the sideline trying to rid my head of the fog. I can’t hold back I vomit and hurl all over the sideline.

  The trainer is sitting me down. The ground is shifting below my feet. I hold on to the bench. I hear the whistle blow. I hurl again.

  "I need a nap. Just a little one," my voice sounds hollow.

  "Not yet. We need you awake. Leets get a head CT. Lane! Stay with me. "

  "Okay," I struggle to focus on the trainer's eyes. It all goes black. I just need to rest.

  I hear the chime then feel the buzz. It’s my phone. I read the text message. I shake my head. I am still a little foggy from the concussion two days ago.

  Keira: Hey! I saw the game. You okay?

  Me: Today is better. Y?U worried about me?

  Keira: I worry about you.

  Me: Y?

  Keira: Because we're friends right?:)

  Me: No.

  Keira: Oh. My bad. Ttyl.:(

  My head hurts to bad to try to lie to her. The headaches should be better now but they aren’t .At my follow up, I sat in the hospital for hours listening to my parents argue about the campaign. My mom thinks it’s too much. My dad doesn’t care. He is just a selfish man. My Gramps brought me back to my apartment since my folks had to get to a fundraising dinner, milking the sympathy from my injury. I feel like a pawn most of the time.

  The doc gives me the bad news for the game on Saturday. I can’t dress out. I can’t play. I haven’t talked to Rachel since she found out I won’t be playing for two more weeks. She plays the Florence Nightingale girlfriend thing all too well. Only when others are watching. I am sick of her. This campus is an even worse fish bowl than high school. Now I have the whole school expecting me to be ...I don’t know. But I hate it.

  I hate suiting up for the game. It’s been almost six months since I have seen Keira. I know she still talks to Slone, but it hurts to bad to hear her voice. I hate to know she's having such a great life. That’s make me selfish, but it’s the truth.

  But today my mom is here for lunch before tomorrow’s game. I will meet the team at the stadium and help on the sidelines, but I won’t play. It’s kind of a relief. My gramps is calling.

  "Hey" I answer.

  "Hey, how are you feeling buddy?"

  "I'm good. Head hurts a little but not too bad." I try to play it down. I don’t need my gramps any more worried about me.

  "Lane, you don’t have to pretend with me. Are you okay? I love you man. I'm worried about you. I know you have a lot on your plate. I also know everyone has expectations, but you have to decide when you've had enough. I love you no matter what buddy. Okay?"

  "Yes sir. I love you too ole man." I really miss him.

  "If you need to talk- day or night- call."

  "I promise. I will Gramps."

  "How is Rachel?" He always asks about Rachel.

  "She's Rachel," I deadpan.

  "I miss your grandmother," he says out of nowhere." I miss her love and her affection. She had the ability to make me forget everything. I could lose myself in her. She was my everything. "

  In that moment. I think about Keira. I miss her. I miss talking to her and losing myself in her company. I miss my friend. My Grammy is dead. Gramps has to be miserable. He can’t ever hear her voice. I can at least call Keira. I've just been too caught up in my own feelings to make the first move.

  "I miss her too Gramps."

  He clears his throat. "I was lucky. I have had true and lasting love. God blessed me with Lilly. I miss her but I know how blessed I was to have her all those years." For good measure, he throws in his parting words, "Have you heard from your good friend, Keira , lately? I haven’t heard you talk about her lately."

  "That’s complicated. We can talk about it another day. I gotta go. "

  "If you say so," he doesn't push. He never does. "Talk to you soon. "

  We disconnect and I sit. The apartment was silent. Slone was hanging out with his new girlfriend. I laugh thinking about my Gramps when he talks about hanging out. I enjoy the silence.

  I look at my phone and re-read the text messages from Keira earlier. Before I talk myself out of it I send a text message.

  Me: I miss you. I miss my friend.

  A few minutes later, Keira responds: We're friends now?

  Me: We R.

  Keira: How are you felling? Really?

  Me: Cranky

  The phone rings. It’s Keira.

  "Hey," I sound soft. Even to my own ears, I sound like I am waiting for her.

  "Cranky? What’s going on? You don’t get cranky, "she sounds concerned. Her voice is like manna to my soul. I almost weep. I miss her so much.

  "I just..I don’t know. I thought it was the injury. But ...Keira....my life just sucks. "

  She laughs. It’s such a great sound. "Please stop being so dramatic. Your life does not suck."

  "Okay miss practical. If you say so," I don’t want to talk about me. " How about you? How’s it going? "

  “Good. Are you coming home for Christmas?" She asks. My heart is racing.

  "Why? You want to see me?" I act like I am joking, but I am really serious.

  "Yeah. I wanna see you. I miss you. "

  Holy crap. I have to convince myself to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. "I have a few days. We get two days. You really want to hang out with me? "

  "Sure." Her voice is a little shaky. I am trying to hide my excitement. I don’t want to scare her off, but I might me hyperventilating just a little.

  "Okay. I'll call you when I get home. "

  "Okay, " she whispers. God, I still love her. I have to resist the urge to tell her. I miss her like crazy. "I will talk to you soon."

  Keira

  I have no idea what I am doing here. Its Christmas break and Lane is on his way to get me from my aunt’s apartment. My aunt is dating this guy. He's a creep. He looks at me like ...just yuck. So, I was eager to meet Lane and Slone at Slone's house. Slone’s mom was heartbroken that he and I decided to just be friends. She wanted us to be a couple. Slone and I knew we’d never be a forever kind of couple.

  The Rover pulls up. Lane is sitting there all beautiful on his throne. We’ve been texting all week. I am so excited to see him in the flesh. When I get in the car, his smell overtakes. It’s so wonderful. That masculine, clean, woodsy thing he has going on makes me swoon.

  "Hey. How was your trip?" He drove four hours across the state to come home for me. Just for me. My classes are only thirty minutes away from town.

 
"Fine," he replies. His eyes look so weary. So tried.

  “Lane? Are you okay?"

  "I’m good. Why?" he keeps his eyes focused on the road, but I see him fatigue as I watch him a little closer.