She turned and looked nervously at the chair, then shook her head. “I can’t. Intermission is only a few minutes long. I can’t take the time…”
He took hold of her shoulders and pressed her backwards into the chair. Monica gasped. He came so close he was almost on top of her, then he knelt in front of her, his parted legs straddling hers. She shivered, his scent reaching her nostrils. The last time he was this close to her and she smelled his unique manly scent, he had made love to her. At the thought, her eyes filled with tears at what would never be again.
“Carina,” Carlos began, his affectionate word choice at odds with the intensity of his tone, “I read your letter. I wanted to ram it through the wall when I read how you want to destroy what we have together.”
“No, it’s not that I want to.” She raised her tear-filled eyes to meet his and shivered. “Exactly.”
He exhaled sharply and raised his hand to rest on her cheek.
She willed herself not to flinch. “I’m just not used to violence. I’m the older of two sisters; grew up in the suburbs, and never witnessed a street fight in my life. I don’t think I can adjust to …”
The hand so gently caressing her face pulled away and he rose to his feet. “What did you want me to do, Monica?” He swung to face her. “I knew those men – what they were capable of. I had to protect you and Luisa. There was no other way.”
Monica nodded. When she thought of what could’ve happened to her and Louisa without his protection, she shuddered. “I’m not faulting you. Believe me, I appreciate your protecting us. It’s just that, I don’t want violence to have a place in my life. I want a peaceful existence. And as much as you thought you put your gang days behind you, this just shows us: it’ll never leave you alone.”
Fury flicked across his expression and he stalked toward her so fast she jumped out of her chair. “My gang days? This wasn’t like that. Sure, I used to fight for the thrill of it. I was a stupid, irresponsible kid. But I turned my back on the gang. I ended it. I did what was right for my family, Monica, and I thought you, of all people, knew that.”
She’d wounded him – she knew it. Her heart ached as she reached out to him and clenched his arm. He bowed his head and his chest heaved with emotion. When he spoke again, he avoided her gaze and his voice was softer than before. “I was fighting to protect two people I love – you and Luisa. What better reason to fight is there?”
They stood in silence for a moment. Steve stuck his head in the dressing room. “Mon? Ten minutes left till …” He raised his eyebrows to her, an unspoken question. Carlos glanced over his shoulder at the interruption.
“Thanks Steve. I’ll be there in just a minute.”
Steve lingered in the doorway, then shut the door behind him, creating a wall of privacy. Monica sighed. “I’m sorry, Carlos. I have to go.” She walked toward the door, unsure how she would resume the play, knowing he was out there watching her. Or worse yet, knowing he’d left.
“Wait.” He followed her and put his palm on the door, stopping her from opening it. “There’s a big difference between the fighting I used to do that scares you and what I did last night. I used to fight for the thrill of it. For the adrenaline rush I’d get from overpowering a guy – beating him to the ground.” He took a step closer to her and reached out as if he could coax her understanding out of her. “Some people race cars for the thrill. Some people bungee jump. Me – I got into fights.”
Monica shook her head. “Yes, and that makes your idea of thrill and excitement about 180 degrees away from mine. Don’t you see? There could never be a place for that type of excitement in my life.”
“But I’m not into that anymore. I haven’t had a fight in years – many years. Last night I was fighting to protect you and my little sister.”
“I know. I would’ve been in big trouble if you hadn’t. There’s no imagining what those guys could’ve …” A darkness came over her and she shook her head to ward it off. “But those guys came after you because of your old connection with the gang. They’ll never let you go entirely. It’s been a decade, and they still found you, right?”
“Yes, but …”
“So, what if someone else from your past comes after you next week? And someone else next month? I can’t live like that, Carlos. With you in my life, I face that risk. Without you, I’m safe.” Monica looked away from him.
He gave his head a shake. She turned back to him and they met gazes. She saw the sadness in his eyes. He sighed. “I love you, Monica.” He turned his back and walked a few steps away, stopping in front of the vase of roses. “Look, I can’t guarantee that life with me would be safe, just like I can’t guarantee that life without me would be safe. You can’t shelter yourself away, hoping that will save you from the bad things in life. Because you’ll lose out on all the good things, too.”
He paused and Monica shook her head, the hopelessness of the situation overtaking her.
“I do know one thing for sure,” Carlos continued. “You have to allow yourself to feel. Feel everything. Love and excitement. Pain and fear. It’s a full circle. I can promise you that full circle with me, Monica. But you have to choose it. You have to want it as much as I do.”
Monica listened in silence. She’d been so sure ending it with Carlos was the right thing – painful, but logical. Now, her head spun and she wanted desperately to go somewhere quiet and think this through. Yet, she had the second half of the play to do.
Carlos turned slowly back to her and shrugged his shoulders. “The ironic thing here, carina, is I laid in that hospital bed and told myself I’d done good. I wasn’t fighting for the thrill. There was no thrill, just self-protection. I could’ve done a lot more damage to those guys if I wanted to. But I held back because I knew the police were coming and would take care of it. I was proud of the way I handled that fight.” He dropped his head and gave a sad chuckle. “Little did I know it would be the end of you and me.”
The lights flickered in the room, a signal she should be backstage. The guests would be heading back to their seats. Panic attacked her heart. “I have to go.”
“Of course you do.”
The resignation in his voice brought her to a halt. She stared at him and her heart sank at the pain so apparent in his face. “I’m sorry. Can we talk later?”
His eyes narrowed and he plucked a single rosebud out of the vase and handed it to her. He lingered for a moment in silence before pushing past her through the open door.
As she made her way backstage, her hands shook. She had to focus or she’d totally botch the final act. Could she give a convincing performance with this hanging over her head?
Her own fears of a life outside her comfort zone had forced her decision to break up with Carlos. Her cowardice about facing a life different than she was used to, made her not see Carlos’ actions for what they were.
He was a hero and she’d condemned him. She’d cut him out of her life because of her fear of the threat of violence, and yet without his protection she could’ve been injured, raped or killed.
“Earth to Monica.” Steve patted her on the shoulder. She jerked her attention away from her runaway thoughts.
“Oh my God, Steve, I’ve made the worst mistake of my life.”
Steve cocked his mouth up on one side in half a grin. He glanced at his wristwatch. “During the twenty minute intermission?”
“Yes! I let my fear drive my actions. I acted like a coward and he …” She released a huge sigh and felt the threat of tears, which would totally dismantle her stage makeup.
Steve pulled her into a hug. “You’re a mess, aren’t you, sweetie? Listen, just put all that stuff on hold till the curtain goes down. The guy loves you, I have no doubt. If you screwed up and you apologize, I’m sure he’ll listen. But you have a job to do. You have to take this thing home now, Victoria.”
Her face pushed up against Steve’s chest, she nodded and fought for control over her emotions. He was right. If she let herself dwell on this,
she’d completely fall apart. This was her dream, after all. How many times had she daydreamed about this very thing? She wasn’t about to throw it away. When it was over she could go find Carlos and beg him to listen to her.
She pushed back from Steve. “You’re right. I’m okay.”
“Good, because the whole second act is waiting on me to go turn the lights on and Dave is cursing a blue streak in my ear.” He grinned and put his finger on the mike device on his headset. He dashed off.
The difference between how Monica approached the first act and the second, was as opposite as two sides of a globe. During the first half, she was Monica, dressed in a costume, reciting her memorized lines and moving around where Dave had told her to move. In the second act, she was Victoria. She embodied a character and used the emotions that were simmering below the surface to deliver her performance. Even as she was going about it, she knew. This was what acting was all about.
Backstage between scenes, she marveled at the change in her performance. Maybe she had a future in acting after all. She scoffed. If she had to have a fight with the man she loved prior to every performance, it would be her undoing. Then it dawned on her. Carlos’s advice to allow herself to feel everything – the good and the bad; pain and excitement; love and hurt – was not only good advice for living a full life. It was good advice for actresses as well.
Carlos had made the difference in her performance. He had taught her to open herself up, to remove the shield. Only by doing so, could she reach her potential as an actress.
When the curtain dropped for the final time, the cast gathered together. The excitement was contagious. They’d done a great job. Opening night was a success.
Monica’s castmates caught her in a group hug, aware of the transformation she’d undergone. “Great job, leading lady!” “Awesome, Monica.” Monica’s head spun. She couldn’t believe how great she felt, but it was only seconds, because the curtain call was coming up and they all had to be in a long line for the final bows, her and Brad in the middle.
Everyone scurried to their spots, happy grins on their faces. The curtain rose and the applause was spontaneous. Thunderous sound filled the theater and Monica knew. This is what all her daydreams were about. Recognition of a fantastic performance – hundreds of people thanking them for providing that magical experience a night at the theater can provide, when done well.
She and Brad bowed last and when she straightened, Brad squeezed her hand. She looked out at the crowd and noticed two things – first, she saw Trina sitting in the first row center, her throat wrapped in a warm scarf, clapping daintily, a scowl covering her face. Second, the crowd rose to their feet – a standing ovation for her and Brad.
She looked up at Brad, her smile broad and he lifted their joined hands into the air. She gazed far back into the lighting booth. Although she couldn’t make out Steve’s figure, she pointed at him and gave him a thumbs-up because she knew he’d be cheering for her.
A glimmer of regret hit her. No one else she loved was out there – her mom and Barbie were absent, and of course, Carlos had most likely left after intermission, taking Luisa with him. But she tucked those negative feelings away. Mom and Barbie would be here another night. And she had a plan regarding Carlos – she just hoped he’d listen.
The curtain dropped. The actors headed to the lobby where they’d stand in a line, shaking hands with guests as they departed. Happy snippets of conversation floated over them as they made their way.
Shaking hands with total strangers who showered praise on her was a brand new experience for Monica. Pleasant, but a little uncomfortable for someone who spent most of her time out of the limelight. She watched her co-stars, smiled and said “Thank you,” a hundred times over. She pushed her discomfort aside and tried to enjoy it.
What seemed like an eon later, a familiar face approached. Monica knelt as Luisa stopped in front of her.
“You were so good, Monica! You’re such a great actress!” The little girl bubbled, then threw herself into Monica’s outstretched arms.
Her face thrust into Luisa’s hair, she breathed deep and inhaled the scent of strawberries. So she did have a loved one in the audience. Luisa had been there, cheering for her.
But how …?
She pushed Luisa back. “You stayed for the second half?”
Luisa giggled. “Of course we did! I wouldn’t miss it.”
She could imagine the scene between Luisa and Carlos after his exit from the dressing room. He wanted to leave – Luisa wanted to stay. He gave in because he knew how much it meant to his sister. The fact that he wasn’t here with them now spoke volumes.
But it didn’t matter. She couldn’t blame him. Monica owed it to herself and their future to try and appeal to him, just as she’d planned.
The line of well-wishers had clogged, so Monica gave Luisa a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for being here. It means so much to me. I’ll see you soon, okay?”
Luisa nodded. “But wait. Carlos is getting something for you.”
“Carlos?” Monica scanned the crowded room, looking for the handsome face she longed to see. He wasn’t there, just as she suspected. She was sure Carlos wouldn’t have told Luisa they’d broken up. He would’ve protected her from the details. But then, what was the little girl talking about?
Then, Monica saw him. Despite the crowd that filled every inch of the room, he dodged around people, forging a path to where they stood. Monica’s heart jumped at the sight of him.
Of course, he was making his way toward Luisa, so he could take her home.
So why was he wearing a smile that made her heart race and could induce her to do crazy things? His eyes locked with hers from across the room. When he approached, he produced the glass vase of roses from behind his back. She laughed and took them.
“Fantastic job. You were incredible.”
She shook her head. She was having a hard time getting over the fact that he had stayed for the whole play. “Carlos, I’m sorry –“
He held up his hand. “It doesn’t matter.” He looked over his shoulder. People jostled him, pushing behind and around him.
“Yes, it does.” Her voice was firm. She had to tell him. The noise level in the room rang so loud she had to practically shout it. “I was wrong. I should have seen it for what it was. I shouldn’t have been afraid just because you’re outside my comfort zone.”
He reached out and took her hand.
“You protected us and I should have thanked you. And yet, I let my fears blind me.”
He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly.
Her heart melted, her knees were weak, but she continued. “Can we forget what I wrote in my letter?”
He rubbed her hand against his cheek. “Forgotten.”
“Really?”
He nodded. “You should be celebrating. Your play was a hit and you were fantastic. You’re living your dream, carina.”
“I couldn’t have done it without you.”
He shook his head. “No, this was all you. I had nothing to do with it. I’m just glad I was here to share it with you.”
“No, no, you don’t understand.”
Carlos bumped into her then, jostled by the mounds of people milling around them. She put her free arm around him and he reached for Luisa and pulled her closer, too.
“Did you notice my performance in the second half was much more heartfelt? That I wasn’t just going through the motions?”
He shrugged and leaned in to kiss her.
But she had to let him know. “It was because of you. You helped me tap into my true emotions and because of that, I was able to really act. Get into the character of Victoria, and not just recite lines.”
Someone thrust their hand into their threesome for a shake, but Monica ignored it. She had to get this message across, but with the chaos of the crowd around her, her moment was drifting away.
“I was only able to live my dream because of you, Carlos. I choose the full circle – al
l of it. The good and the bad, I’ll take it all as long as I’m with you.”
He smiled. He was her hero – not just because he had fearlessly protected her last night, not just because he forgave her for her mistake, not just because he helped her achieve her dream, something she couldn’t have done without him.
Because of all those things, and because of how he made her feel when she was with him.
“How about we get out of here?”
He looked around. “Don’t you want to shake everyone’s hands?”
She laughed. “I’ve shaken enough hands. And there will be more tomorrow night. Right now, I want to be alone with you.”
His eyebrows darted up and he gave her one of his smoldering smiles that made her feel hot all over. “Let’s go.”
During the ride to Carlos and Luisa’s house, Luisa chattered about the play. Monica sat with a permanent smile, scooted sideways in her seat so she could watch the man she loved with all her heart.
“Carlos, can we come again tomorrow night?”
Carlos nodded. “Sure.”
“Can we bring Mama?”
He nodded again. “Next time she has a night off work, we’ll take her.”
When they arrived at the little house, Luisa begged for Monica to come in, but Carlos insisted they had somewhere else to go. He walked Luisa to the front door and deposited her inside. The little girl waved frantically to Monica from the doorway. Monica waved from the car, smiling.
Carlos returned to the car. He sank into his seat and pulled her close. He kissed her slowly and thoroughly, and Monica’s heart rate raced. “I have some news.”
“What?” she asked, her head practically spinning.
“The police called me and asked me to testify against those two guys. Turns out, they were able to tie them both to a murder last summer. They have them in custody now because of our fight last night, and they’re taking their time to build a steel-tight case.”
“So that means…?”
“They’re off the streets for good. In jail, where they belong.”
Inner Diva Page 16