Free to Love

by Lillianna Blake

  “Yes, you do.” He tugged me toward the car, but glanced back at me as he did.

  When we reached the passenger side, he paused and stood so close to me that I shivered in anticipation of his touch.

  His eyes locked onto mine as he reached for the door to open it for me. “I knew you were beautiful before you came here, but I had no idea how breathtaking you would be in person.”

  “Stop.” I stepped aside so the car door was between us. “You don’t need to do that, Wes. Flattery isn’t necessary.”

  “It’s not flattery.” He touched my cheek just before I settled into the car.

  Just the light caress of his fingertips was enough to send my mind whirling. By the time he got behind the wheel, I was in the middle of an awkward panic. This couldn’t be real, it couldn’t be happening. I stole a glance at him.

  Wes, my partner in crime for how long? Could he really have the same strong feelings for me that I did for him?

  Instead of starting the car he shifted in his seat to look at me.

  “Why does it bother you so much that I think you’re beautiful?”

  “It doesn’t bother me, I just know it’s not true.” I brushed my hair back from my face, then nervously settled my hands in my lap.

  “Noella.” His hands curved around my cheeks as I took a sharp breath in surprise. He gazed into my eyes, his grasp warm but firm. “Everything about you is gorgeous, from the wave in your hair to the crinkle of your eyes and the slope of your beautiful lips.”

  His eyes hovered there and for an instant I was certain he was going to kiss me. He even tipped his head toward me some.

  “I already have gray hair, do you know that? And the crinkling? That’s wrinkles, Wes—wrinkles that will become deeper in a few short years. I am only going to get older.”

  “I have some too.” He brushed a fingertip back through his hair to reveal a few gray strands. “My cousin went gray in college. So what’s your next excuse?” He smiled as he released my cheeks with subtle strokes of his thumbs. “Are you going to be repulsed by me in a few years when the rest of the gray fills in?”

  “No—I mean—of course not.” I looked down in my hands in my lap.

  I was relieved when he started the car, as it drowned out some of the heavy pounding of my heart.

  He turned on the radio and I heard my favorite song begin to play. Of course he knew what it was. How many times had I had it on when working alone or at lunch? He really did know so much about me.

  When his hand laced with mine, the awkwardness left me. It felt so right for his fingers to be tangled up around mine that it was impossible for me to be uneasy. I didn’t draw back. I savored the sparks that carried through me as his skin brushed mine.

  A few minutes later I noticed that we had returned to the park he’d shown me on the first day I’d arrived.

  “You promised me a walk, remember?”

  “I remember.” I smiled at him as he parked the car, then stepped out.

  I joined him and instantly our hands laced together again. I couldn’t be sure who reached for whom, it just felt natural.

  He led me into the park and for a few minutes I got lost in its beauty. The morning sun streamed through thick branches to dapple the sidewalk. Lush green bushes surrounded us, topped with vibrant flowers and whimsical vines.

  He led me down a trail that veered off the main path and I found myself curious about what would be revealed beyond the thick foliage.

  “This is where I come to think things through.” He cleared his throat. “Lately, to think about you.”

  As we broke through the brush, I caught sight of a thin brook that wound its way through the trees in a lazy pattern. Beside it, a large tree with a low, thick, bent branch stretched outward.

  He paused and turned to look at me. “I’ve thought so many times about sharing this place with you.”

  “I’m so glad you have.” I ran my fingertips along the bark of the tree branch. “It’s beautiful here.”

  “Even more beautiful now.” He released my hand and slipped his arm around my waist. As he tightened his grasp, I leaned up to meet his mouth for a kiss. Instead, he lifted me from the ground. “Here, let me give you a boost up.”

  In the next second I was on top of the thick branch. He scrambled up beside me. It was a few feet off the ground, high enough to give a nice view of the brook and the rest of the park, but low enough to be fairly safe and accessible.

  He settled in behind me, in the crook of the branch, then guided me back to rest against his chest. I started to resist, but his delicious scent and the warmth of his embrace intoxicated me to the point that it was impossible for me to protest.

  Chapter 18

  “Thank you for sharing this with me, Wes.” I drew a slow breath, nervous about moving too much while I was propped against him.

  “Thank you for being here.” He drew my hair back over my shoulder and brushed his cheek along mine.

  Desire rippled through me—so forcefully that I had to close my eyes.

  “If I know you, you thought about not coming. You thought about all the reasons why you shouldn’t.” His breath traced paths of heat along the curve of my neck as he spoke. “I thought when I pulled up, you might not even be there.”

  “You know me too well.” I grinned and started to sit up. It was silly to be so close to him.

  “Stay.” He murmured the word and drew me back against him. “Just for a few more seconds, can we just pretend that this is as perfect as it feels?”

  “It does feel perfect.” I bit into my bottom lip.

  “Because it is.” His cheek brushed against mine again as he adjusted his position against the tree, then tightened his grasp on my waist once more. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall.”

  Those words brought a hint of tears to my eyes. How long had it been since I trusted someone to truly have my best interest at heart? How long had it been since I believed that I had a partner in life?

  I relaxed fully and felt the pure pleasure of his firm chest beneath my head. It seemed as if I could curl up in his arms and everything wrong in the world would suddenly be right.

  “How can you be this wonderful, Wes? How can this feel so good, when it’s so—”

  “Wrong?” He sighed and leaned his head back against the tree. “You still believe that, don’t you?” His fingers intertwined with mine. “Even now?”

  “It’s not you, you have to know that. It’s me.” I shifted forward to create some space between us.

  I felt his reluctance to let me go.

  “I don’t have to know that.” He stared at me as I twisted around to look at him. “In fact, I don’t understand it at all.”

  “That’s because you’re not a parent, you’ve never had someone else counting on you.” I tried to ignore the hurt in his eyes and the hint of frustration in his voice. The man who usually always had something to laugh about didn’t look very amused.

  “So because I’m not a parent I have no idea what you’re going through? I’ve listened to your worries about them, your hopes for them. We’ve talked at length about all the possibilities in their future. I had no idea that the entire time you thought my opinions were worthless—”

  “I didn’t.” I placed my hand on his chest and looked straight into his eyes. “I never once did and I don’t now. You’ve given me some incredible insights and such a huge amount of support.”

  “And you’ve done the same for me.” He closed his hand over mine, which still remained on his chest.

  I could feel his heartbeat quicken. Was he as nervous as I was?

  “How many times have you talked me through an excruciating day when I wanted to be anywhere but at work, but your voice, your smile—it made me want to stay.” He sought deep within my eyes. “You feel it too, Noella, I can see it in your eyes. I can feel it in your touch. Let’s just find out, once and for all.”

  He leaned forward to kiss me, but I drew back before he could get too close.r />
  “No, please, don’t.” I closed my eyes.

  “Why are you so afraid of me?” He pressed my hand tighter against his chest. “Aren’t you the least bit curious what we could be like together? Don’t you wonder for a second if it could be as incredible as it feels?”

  “It’s too much.” I forced myself to open my eyes again. “Don’t you see that? It’s too wonderful. Nothing this wonderful has ever happened to me. Nothing this intense. It’s too much to be real.”

  “But it is.” He drew my hand from his chest and pressed his lips against my fingertips. “We’re right here, in this moment together.”

  The buzz of his lips against my skin made it impossible for me to think straight. I wanted to crawl into his arms and kiss him, not just for a moment, but for as long as we could both stand it. I never wanted it to end. I realized all at once that that was the problem.

  It would end. No matter how wonderful it felt, it would end. Our lives were miles apart. We would be saying goodbye in a short time.

  “I need more than a moment.” I drew my hand from his, then settled my gaze on him. “I don’t have the freedom that you do, Wes.”

  “And who says it can’t be more than a moment?” He leaned toward me and briefly I fantasized about his lips crushed against mine, but instead he climbed down from the tree branch.

  When he reached his arms up to me, I again experienced an overwhelming sensation of trust and safety. I couldn’t recall ever feeling that with my ex-husband. There was no doubt in my mind that Wes would safely lift me to the ground.

  I wrapped my arms around his neck and slid over the curve of the branch. As my body brushed against his, I quaked as parts of me that had been dormant for so long awakened all at once.

  My arms tightened around his neck and he leaned into me in response. My shoulders pressed against the thick branch behind me as his hands slid from my hips to the slope of my lower back and drew me even closer to him. I was enveloped in his warmth, as passion raced through me with such force that there was no room for thought, only unyielding desire.

  I heard his breath catch in his throat as his forehead grazed mine and his mouth followed a path headed straight for my upturned and inviting lips.

  Chapter 19

  My phone rang—just before his lips would have touched mine. The sudden sound jarred me out of my fantasy world and caused me to lean my head back out of reach. Kiss him? I willed my heart to slow down, just as Wes met my eyes.

  What was I thinking?!

  “Noella.” He brushed the back of his hand along my cheek and leaned close again.

  My heart skipped a beat as I slid out from between him and the tree branch.

  He caught himself on the branch, then turned to face me as I pulled my phone out of my pocket. The strain written all over his face reflected the chaos that was raging through my mind and body. Flustered, I looked at the name on the phone.

  “I’m sorry, it’s Nicole—I should get this.” I mumbled as I placed the phone to my ear. “Hello?” I bit into my bottom lip in an attempt to slow down my racing heart.

  “Noella, where are you? We have to leave soon if we’re going to make it to the airport.”

  My head spun as I glanced at the time on the phone. How had so much time slipped by without my even noticing?

  “Oh wow, you’re right. I’m about twenty minutes away.”

  ”That’s fine, we’ll have time. Are you with Wes?” Her voice gained a sing-song tone.

  I looked over at Wes, who was looking at me with such passion in his eyes that my heart went wild once more.

  “Yes—uh—we’ll leave right now.”

  “See you soon.”

  I hung up the phone and shoved it into my pocket.

  “We have to go, I’m late for my flight.”

  “I’ll take you.” He caught my arm as I started toward the parking lot. “It’s no trouble.”

  “No.” I refused to look at him as heat flooded my cheeks. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why?” He pulled me close, forcing me to abandon the idea that I could ignore the tension that still throbbed between us. His lips were close to my cheek as he spoke again. “What are you so afraid of? If it’s Justin you really want, then just tell me.”

  “It’s not that simple, Wes.” Anguish swirled through me as I met his eyes. “It’s not like it’s just me I need to think about. I have two sons—two beautiful, rambunctious sons—who’ve already been through enough because of my divorce. What sense do you and I make? What is this to you? A romp with an available friend? A way to spend your time? To me, it’s a life-altering choice. Because even if it’s just one kiss, I’ll never be able to forget you and I still have to go back to being their mom. I can’t do that as some lovesick heartbroken shell, can I? Everyone keeps telling me about what I deserve—happiness, romance, and falling in love—but all I can think about is what they deserve. A stable mother, someone who puts them first, and someone who is smart enough not to take ridiculous risks.” I shook my head and finally took a breath as I started off toward the parking lot.

  I could hear his heavy steps as he followed after me.

  “I’m a ridiculous risk to you?” He caught up with me near the end of the trail where it met the sidewalk. “A romp with an available friend? Is that what you really think of me?”

  I kept my head down and continued toward the car. I had no idea how to put what I was feeling into words.

  “Wes, please, I just need to get back to Nicole’s.”

  “Wait a minute.” He grabbed my hand and turned me toward him. “I want to know if that’s what you really think. I want to know if, after all these years of friendship, that is your honest opinion of me.”

  “I don’t have time for this now. I can’t miss my flight. Don’t you see? Already I’m losing sight of my responsibilities because I’m too caught up in a fantasy with you.” I slipped my hand out of his and didn’t stop again until I was beside the car.

  Wordlessly he unlocked it, then opened the door for me.

  As I sat down in the passenger seat, I caught a glimpse of the hurt in his eyes and my heart ached. I realized I might have lost him altogether. Could we go back to being friends now? Would he ever forgive me for not giving him a chance?

  The ride back to Nicole’s was quiet, but so packed with tension that I could barely breathe. I thought of several different ways I could apologize and explain, but when my lips parted, I couldn’t get the words out. If I were in his shoes, I knew that I’d be angry.

  When he stopped in front of Nicole’s house, he continued to stare out through the windshield.

  I knew I needed to hurry to get my things together and get to the airport, but as I took in the sight of the tight line of his jaw and the downturned curve of his eyelashes, I couldn’t leave. I placed my hand over his, where it rested just above his knee. I felt the muscles in his hand tense then relax, but he still didn’t look in my direction.

  “I’m sorry for what I said, Wes. I know you, I know who you really are, and I know that you would never hurt me—not intentionally.” I curved my fingers around his. “Wes, look at me. Please?”

  “You’re late, remember?” He reluctantly met my eyes. “You should go.”

  With those words I was certain that he wouldn’t forgive me. I couldn’t blame him. I stared at him a moment longer, then stepped out of the car.

  He waited until I was through the front door, then I heard the car drive off.

  Chapter 20

  All the way to the airport Nicole questioned me about my time with Wes. I wanted to share with her and get her advice about the situation, but I couldn’t just yet. I couldn’t get the memory of Wes’s expression out of my mind.

  My ex and I had fought a lot toward the end but I’d never seen him look at me with that much hurt in his eyes. It occurred to me that Wes’s affection for me might be far stronger than I had realized.

  I replayed the things I’d said to him through my
mind. How could I have been so harsh? How would I feel if he had talked to me that way? What right did I have to be so cruel to him?

  “I understand why you want to protect yourself.” Nicole turned into the airport. She’d been talking for a few minutes and I hadn’t been listening. “I get it. I felt like I had to guard myself and my family when I first started dating again. I figured every guy was out to break my heart or wouldn’t really want to commit to an entire family.” She glanced over at me. “You have to do what you think is best, Noella. But there were many times that I didn’t think that Gavin was the right person for me, and I was wrong.” She parked in front of the airport passenger drop-off, then leaned over to hug me. “When you’re ready to talk about it, just let me know. Thank you so much for the visit! Hopefully next time it will go more smoothly.”

  “Thank you, Nicole.” I hugged her tight. “I had a great time and I hope Melody heals quickly.”

  “I’ll check in with you later.” She met my eyes. “I hate to see you leave so upset.”

  “I’m not upset.” I forced a smile.

  “Mm-hm.” She gave my shoulders another squeeze. “Have a good flight.”

  “Thanks!” I grabbed my bag and climbed out of the car.

  She was right, of course. I was upset.

  As I headed into the airport, my body ached with the urge to turn around. I considered hailing a taxi and hunting Wes down. How could I leave him like this? But if I missed my flight I’d have to buy a new ticket. My sons were expecting me home and Hanna had already done so much for me.

  When I joined the long security line after checking in, my fingers wandered to my lips as I recalled the intensity of the moment we’d almost kissed. If my phone hadn’t rung, if I hadn’t tipped my head back, what would have been different?

  Regret flooded through me. Maybe Nicole was right. She’d shared with me how much she’d struggled over her relationship with Gavin at first, and yet they were the happiest couple. I could see how much he loved her when he looked at her and it did look similar to the way that I’d caught Wes staring at me.