With the apartment to myself, I found I only wanted to do one thing.
Call Jay.
I wanted to check in, see how he was feeling, make sure everything was okay. But I couldn't do that. So, I grabbed an ice cream sandwich from the freezer, tucked my laptop under my arm, and headed upstairs to mope in bed.
I didn't bother with the overhead light. All I needed was the glow from my computer screen to make sure I didn't dribble ice cream all over my brand new comforter. The comforter that Jay had picked out with me...
Gah! Stop it! You barely know the guy!
After inhaling my snack, I turned my full attention to the screen. I needed something to take my mind off everything that had happened. Something light. Something unrelated to boys or death or hearts or love or the letter J.
Just out of curiosity, I fired up Google and started typing.
“Things that make you happy...”
I tapped my lip as I waited. We hadn't had a chance to have internet installed in the apartment, so we were temporarily 'borrowing' the wifi from someone else in the complex.
As my screen filled with list after list of things that made people happy, I settled in against my new extra fluffy pillows and readied myself for a laugh.
“I hear dancing helps.”
My computer flew off the bed.
I flew off the bed.
My heart flew out the window and was already halfway to Tulsa.
“Jesus Christ!”
With my back pressed against the wall, I slid my hands around wildly looking for the light switch. Once the room glowed to life around me, I screamed again, just for good measure.
“Jeez, chill, would you? It's just me.”
Jake was laying on my bed, inches from the spot I'd just vacated. His hands were propped behind his head, legs crossed at the ankle- the epitome of relaxation.
“Sss-sounds like you found your voice.”
He wasn't screaming. He wasn't whispering. He was speaking just like any normal living person - which freaked me out even further.
“Relax, sweetie, I don't bite.”
He patted the spot next to him on the bed, gesturing for me to join him.
Jay had used that same line on me before, which reminded me of just how bereft Jay had been when he came to visit.
“Why are you here? Shouldn't you be haunting your brother?”
Jake narrowed his eyes, smiling as my voice hitched in my throat.
“Because, sweet Bree, you are the one who opened the door.”
“That was a mistake.”
“Obviously. A mistake born out of boredom and idiocy.”
I didn't see him move, didn't see him so much as tense before he was standing before me, emanating a cold breeze that blew off him in waves. I froze, but it had nothing to do with the falling temperature. I couldn't believe I was being insulted by someone who didn't even have firing synapses anymore.
“Excuse me?”
“You asked for someone. Well, here I am.” He spread his arms open wide. “And now you've ruined everything.”
“What are you talking about? What have I ruined?”
I smashed my head back against the wall as he leaned forward.
“Everything you do, every step you take, every word you speak, every breath you breathe, has a reaction. It affects everything and everyone around you.”
A shiver, no - an earthquake - made it's way up my spine at the thought. I knew I'd made a mistake, I was just completely unaware of just how massive that mistake had grown to be.
“What did I do?” I whispered.
“Something I wish could be undone.”
He leaned even closer and I tried not to flinch even as a tiny voice in the back of my head told me he couldn't – wouldn't - hurt me. So, I stiffened my spine and took a step forward.
“What did I do?” I repeated. “What happens now?”
He took a step forward as well, until the cold of his existence seeped into my chest and tried to freeze my lungs.
“Burn the board.”
“Will that change anything?” I asked. “Will that fix it?”
“I doubt it. But that's the only option you have left.”
Shaking my head, I lifted my hands, then dropped them when I realized that I didn't trust myself not to touch him, or attempt to touch him.
“Option for what? What happens if I burn the board?”
His voice was soft, his eyes pleading.
“I leave.”
Something about that tore at my heart... his heart. I didn't want him to leave because if Jay had any chance of getting closure with his brother, this was it. He had to stay. Not for me. For Jay.
“I can't.”
“Dammit, Bree!” I jumped at the harshness of his tone. “You're not just playing with fire here. What you did was dangerous, reckless, and stupid. Burn. The. Board.”
“I can't. Not until you talk to Jay. Not until you give him some kind of closure.”
“That's not something I can give him. That's something he has to come about on his own.”
“That's a little cruel, don't you think?”
“No, it's not. Just get rid of it. You have no idea what you've done.” His voice shook, as did the lone picture I had hanging on my wall.
“Okay, okay,” I held my hands up in surrender. “I'll get rid of it. I promise.”
“Now.”
I hesitated, thinking about how easy it would be for flames to eat through the cardboard... But I couldn't. Not yet. Jay would be heartbroken if he knew I possessed a way to communicate with his brother and then jerked that opportunity away from him. After all, it wasn't as if Jake could make me get rid of the board.
And speaking of which...
“What did you mean by 'he won't understand'? Were you talking about Jay? What won't he understand?”
“Apparently the same thing you can't seem to wrap your head around. I shouldn't be here. I don't want to be here. Because now, thanks to you, everything is ruined.”
I couldn't keep up. What had I ruined? All I'd done was talk, and then Jake showed up. Followed closely by his brother.
“Coincidence...” I whispered.
Jake knew exactly what I was referring to without having to elaborate. It couldn't have been a coincidence that I'd summoned him. It wasn't a coincidence that I'd met Jay just a few days after learning the existence of Jake. And it wasn't just coincidence that the heart beating inside my chest belonged to the dead man standing before me.
“No. None of this is a coincidence, Bree. Every decision to make comes at a cost. And when you decided to reach out, when you poured your heart out as you touched that planchette... you changed everything.”
Not knowing what else to say, or what else I could do to make him explain things beyond my understanding, I said the only two words that would fall off my tongue. “Your heart.”
“Yes. My heart.” His eyes fell to my chest, as if he could see the beating of his beloved organ beneath my skin. And just like that, his anger, his annoyance, and whatever other emotions he'd been hurling my way- they all vanished. The lines of his face smoothed as he turned his eyes toward the heavens and spoke softly.
“Take care of it for me, would you?”
I sucked in a breath at his warm words, closed my eyes for the briefest of seconds, only to open them to find Jake gone.
I was left alone with more questions than answers, more anxiety than calm, and more regret than I'd ever felt, or would feel, in my entire life.
Chapter Eleven
At six in the morning, my doorbell rang. Sydney was in the shower getting ready for her shift at the coffee house, so I lumbered from the kitchen into the living room to tell whoever was at the door to beat it. It was my first day off and after filling my belly, I'd planned on going back upstairs to lose myself in the blissful oblivion of sleep.
However, my eyes bulged out of their sockets when the door swung wide open to reveal Jay.
Shirtless Jay.
/> Sweaty Jay.
Labored breathing Jay.
“What... the hell?”
“Why are you still in your pajamas?” He asked as he swiped a hand across his moist forehead. “It's time to start the day!”
Without an invitation, he entered the house and turned to face me as I closed the door.
“Why are you all sweaty?” I peeked out the window. “And where is your truck?”
“At my apartment,” he answered. “I ran here.”
I hadn't known he was a fitness buff, but looking at his body, I wasn't surprised.
“C'mon,” he tugged on my arm and pushed me toward the stairs. “Throw your hair up, toss some shorts on, and lace up your runnin' shoes.”
I stopped in my tracks.
“Running? As in... running?”
“Yes,” he said with a smile. “Running. Moving quickly. Arms pumping. Heavy Breathing. The whole nine yards. Let's go!”
“But... I- what about yesterday?”
He blew a pfft sound through is lips before waving a hand at me. “Forget about yesterday. Today is what matters. Now go!”
He swatted at my behind as I grumbled my disapproval and reluctantly stepped up onto the landing.
“I hate you so hard right now.”
***
“Jay! I'm serious! My heart... it can't... take this.” I huffed and puffed my way up a hill that didn't seem so damn steep when I was behind the wheel of a car.
“Exercise is good for your heart,” he called back. “Jake knew that. You've got a keeper in there.” He slapped a hand to his chest, Tarzan style.
“Good for me,” I wheezed.
Jay came to a stop at the top of the hill, jogging in place, waiting for me to catch up.
“Although,” he stopped jogging to stare me down. “Seeing how red your face is right now, I'd say it's probably a good idea if you ease into it.”
“Yeah... ease... good... idea...”
One syllable per breath. That's all I could manage.
Halfway through our mile long run, I'd convinced myself that Jay was trying to torture me. He was trying to get back at me for keeping secrets. And although I deserved it, I didn't want to die while wearing a white tank top and yoga pants that read 'Luscious' across the ass.
“Make you... a deal...” I said, leaning over to put my hands on my knees.
Jay waited and I lifted a finger to tell him to give me a minute to recover.
“You... let me walk all the way back... and I'll cook... I'll cook you breakfast.”
Jay moved a hand to his jaw, rubbing at the dark scruff there as if he really had to think about my offer. After a moment, he slapped me on the back and turned the corner to head back to the apartment.
“Done. Hope you've got bacon.”
***
After a breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon, Jay leaned back at the table and laid a hand across his flat belly.
“Beautiful, smart, and she can cook.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Are we seriously not gonna talk about what happened the other-”
“Nope!” He slapped his hands against his knees before rising from the table and heading into the living room.
Talk about avoidance...
I followed.
“I really think we should. Maybe you'd feel better if you just said what you were feeling; got if off your chest.”
“There's nothing on my chest, Bree,” he said, gesturing to his still bare, still slightly shiny chest with a grin.
“Quit being funny. I'm serious.”
“So am I,” he said, voice low and sincere. “I don't want to talk about it. It happened. If it happens again, I still don't want to know about it. If you decide to keep the board, I don't wanna know about it. If you decide to get rid of it, I still don't wanna know about it. Ignorance is bliss, right? So... I don't wanna know. Okay?”
“Jay...” I moved to lay a hand on his shoulder, to attempt to get him to soften or at least open up, but he swatted my hand away.
“No, Bree. I grieved, okay? I grieved for my brother for three years. I felt it when he died. You have no idea what that's like. And I felt it when he was in the room with us. And do you know what that felt like?”
I wanted to shake my head no, but I didn't.
“It felt like... like there were a million hornets trapped inside my veins. Like they were all stinging, all biting, all fighting to get out.”
“Jay-”
“I made my peace with Jake's death a long time ago. And whether or not he's still out there floating around somewhere, he's still dead. He's still gone. I can't have him back. Yeah, that sucks, but I can't get sucked into thinking that I can sit down behind a board and chat with him every night like we did back in high school. That thing isn't a phone. It's an instrument- a dangerous one.”
By the time Jay finished speaking, his face was flushed, his eyes were misty.
What am I doing?
I had absolutely no right to question him or his wishes. I had no right to thrust Jake's existence onto him. All that would cause was more pain. He'd lost Jake once, what would happen if I had to burn the board and he lost him all over again?
No. That was cruel.
“Got it.” I nodded and went to get the board. If he didn't care, I'd burn it.
“Wait.”
Jay's warm fingers wrapped around my arm and I came to a stop next to him.
“This is so screwed up,” he whispered into my hair. “Is this why you don't have a boyfriend? You're one of those high maintenance chicks?”
It took me a second to realize he was joking, and I slapped him across the belly.
“Don't be a jerk,” I laughed.
He smiled before pulling me into a hug. His whole body radiated warmth and I snuggled closer, enjoying the melody of his healthy, live heart beneath my ear.
“So, no work today?”
“Nope. I'm free for a whole day.”
“So, hypothetically speaking- if I wanted to kidnap you and take you out to the middle of nowhere to do naughty things to you, you'd be free?”
My heart stuttered at the word 'naughty', but that didn't stop it from sending blood up to color my cheeks.
“Hypothetically speaking? Yes.”
“Great.” He turned me around in his arms, slapped my bottom, and pushed me toward the stairs. “Go pack a change of clothes.”
I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I really, really wanted to find out.
***
When Jay mentioned 'naughty', the last thing I imagined was taking a trip out to the country to meet his mother.
“I feel like I should have worn something a little less...”
“Revealing?” He offered with a wicked smile.
“Exactly.”
Cutoff shorts. Semi-transparent tank top. I did not look like someone you brought home to meet your mama. But Jay hadn't revealed our destination until we were already ten minutes out of town.
“So, she knows about me? About the heart, I mean?”
Jay nodded but otherwise didn't give out any clues as to how I was going to be welcomed. I didn't have the greatest relationship with my own mother, so the idea that I would be off to a bumpy start with my sort-of-boyfriend and my heart donor's mother sat in my gut like a pile of hot massage rocks.
“Relax. She'll love you.”
Jay reached between the seats and took my hand, squeezing it hard as he turned into an uneven driveway.
“This is it,” he said, gesturing to the small house set between four towering Oak trees.
It was simple, but still beautiful. The gray siding looked new, the shingles were all intact, overflowing window boxes full of pansies adorned every downstairs window, and the grass was well manicured.
Behind one side of the house sat acres of rolling hills, whereas the other side was covered with crowded trees.
“It must have been great growing up here.”
“It definitely wasn't bo
ring,” he said.
When Jay put the truck in park, I unbuckled my seat belt and turned to leave.
“Wait.” Jay grabbed my hand and laid a quick kiss on my knuckles. “Stay there.”
I watched as he made his way around the truck, blushing because it was the first super-chivalrous act I'd ever been offered.
“Well, aren't you sweet.”
I took Jay's hand as he helped me out.
“Yeah. Sweet. Especially when I know my mother's watching and would wring my neck if she didn't see me open a door for a lady.”
I elbowed him gently in the ribs. “So, I'm on my own when we get back to town?”
“Pretty much.” He grinned widely and took my hand, leading me up to the porch.
“Does your mother know you're such a jerk?”
“Pfft! My mother recognizes me for the angel that I am.”
I shook my head but otherwise kept silent as Jay lifted a fist to knock on the door. But before he'd even made the first tap, the door swung open and there stood his mother.
Same dark hair. Same blue eyes. Same tall and lean stature. And the most welcoming smile I'd ever seen on a human being.
“You must be Bree!”
Before I'd ever even opened my mouth to answer, Jay's mother took me in her arms and crushed me against her chest. I'm not sure if it was shock or just the restriction of my lungs- but I found myself breathless. I squeezed her back, unsure of what else to do... until her shoulders started to shake.
“Ma.” I felt Jay's hands pull his mother from my body and I noted the tear trails that had already seeped into my shirt. “You okay, Ma?”
“Oh gosh, look at me,” she wiped at the mascara streaking down her face. “I'm so sorry. You must think I'm a complete sap. I swear I don't greet everyone like this.”
She laughed softly and I joined her. I had no room to talk since I was wiping away tears of my own.
“Well, it was one heck of a greeting,” I said. “It's so nice to meet you, Ms. Bryson.”
“Please, call me Ellen.”
Ellen's eyes flicked back and forth between me and her son as she asked him about the drive. Afterwards, she ushered us inside and offered to make us lunch, which Jay happily accepted. As she flitted around the kitchen, she spoke to both Jay and I, and we all grew better acquainted.
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