by C. Kennedy
Clearly he wouldn’t be welcome at the barbecue, so he slept the remainder of the day.
CHRISTY STARED at the small paper cup containing his medication and rubbed his chin. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d shaved, and the stubble made him feel dirty. Rob sat across the kitchen island from him, and he waited for him to say something.
“You need to take it.”
He didn’t need to do anything other than make sure Thimi was okay. He would be contemplating suicide without Thimi here. Part of him was grateful and part of him wanted to let everything go. The pain, the heartache, the memories, the fight to heal… and the hope—that had turned out to be false. No surprise there.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?”
He shook his head right before he downed the medication with a swig of orange juice. “I wish to sleep more now.”
“May I make a suggestion?”
He waited knowing Rob would speak his mind whether he liked it or not.
“You have done nothing wrong, and you have nothing to defend. If you can’t talk it out with Michael, write him a note or an e-mail.”
Fear and anger began to well. “He is right.”
“He isn’t. He made an assumption, and by definition all assumptions are unfair because they lack proof.”
“It is not the assumption. They beat us until we—”
“You haven’t had sex with anyone but Michael since you left Greece.”
“It is as Yosef said. We are the wh—”
“That is absolutely untrue, Christy. You did not prostitute yourself. You are a victim of sexual abuse.”
He was too tired for this. He’d earned the right to eat, sleep, and stay alive by having sex. In his mind that was no different from being a prostitute. “I make this simple. The world has no person who can understand this. The world has no person who will not judge. The world has no person who will trust us.” Tears began to fill his eyes, and the last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of Rob. “The world has no person who can… love us.”
“Now you’re making assumptions.”
He stood. “I must sleep more now.”
Rob put a napkin in his hand and his voice became gentle. “Please sit down, Christy. It’s okay to cry.”
He remained standing. “There is no reason for the tear. I know these things for the long time. I am the foolish person to love Michael.”
“You couldn’t be more wrong, and the person you’re being most unfair to is yourself. I’m going to give you a homework assignment. I want you to write a letter to Michael, even if you never give it to him, and I want it done in the next forty-eight hours.”
Now he fought not to smile an unkind smile. Rob could shove his homework assignment up his ass. “I sleep more now.”
ON FRIDAY Michael and Jake went to Eddie’s for a burger.
Jake reached for the Tabasco sauce, removed the cap, and drenched his fries. “Talk to me, Michael. It’s obvious you and Christy broke up.”
Michael studied Jake. The words sounded weird. Broke up. He saw it as Christy stepped out on me. “We didn’t break up.”
“What do you call it? An extended vacation from each other?”
Michael remained silent. He didn’t want to discuss it.
“Michael?”
“What?”
“Tell me what happened.”
“Why?”
“Because everyone is worried sick about you, and Sophia is climbing the walls about Christy.”
“Why?”
“Because neither of you is talking, and both of you are a mess.”
That was sort of interesting. Michael studied Jake again. “What’s wrong with Christy?”
“He isn’t talking to anyone but Thimi. Not even Rob or Dr. Jordanou.”
“Dr. Jordanou is still here?”
“Yeah. He didn’t leave.”
“Why not?”
“Don’t know. The general is still here too.”
Michael signaled to a passing waitress. “May I have a side of ranch dressing?”
The waitress smiled and nodded. “Be right back.”
Michael looked at Jake as he tried to figure out why Dr. Jordanou and the general would still be here. “Maybe it’s because Yosef’s sentencing hearing could be postponed.”
“You’re avoiding the subject. What happened, Michael?”
The waitress brought ranch dressing, and Michael poured some of it on his fries. What did it matter if he told Jake at this point? Other than he didn’t want to talk about it. “Christy slept with Thimi.”
Jake’s face contorted. “As in had sex with him?”
“Yeah.”
“Thimi’s twelve. Nobody has sex at twelve.”
If at all possible, Michael became angrier than he already was. “You need to remember where they come from.”
“I try to forget.”
“Besides, more than half our friends did by the time we were twelve.”
Jake paused. “We didn’t.”
“We did.”
“We jerked off together. That’s different.”
“Sex is sex.”
“What makes you think they had sex?”
“There was cum on the sheets, and they came out of the bathroom together.”
“That doesn’t mean anything. How many times have we had to change our sheets, bro?”
“They came out of the bathroom together,” Michael repeated.
“That doesn’t mean anything either. They could have taken a shower together. Something we’ve done more times than I can count.”
“To-geth-er.” Michael emphasized each syllable.
“What do you mean, to-geth-er?”
“Arms around each other. Naked.”
“That still doesn’t mean anything.”
“I asked Christy if he had sex with him.”
“What’d he say?”
“Nothing. He didn’t have to. It was written all over his face.”
Jake cleared his throat and pushed his plate away. “You gotta talk to him.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t think you have it right.”
Michael didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Change the subject, Jake.”
“No.”
Michael dug a twenty-dollar bill from his pocket, tossed it on the table, and left the booth.
“Michael!”
Michael ignored him and kept walking. He pushed through the glass doors toward the parking lot, and the warm evening breeze felt good on his face, and he vaguely recalled that it was summer.
Jake grabbed his arm. “Don’t walk away from me!”
Michael jerked his arm free. “Fuck off, Jake.”
“No, I will not fuck off!”
Michael opened the car door, and Jake slammed it shut and leaned on it.
“Get out of the way.”
“Not until you talk to me.”
Michael looked at Jake, not sure whether to punch him or walk home, and opted for the latter.
“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“Michael, dammit!”
Michael spun on a heel and walked backward so he could look squarely at Jake. “What do you want from me, Jake?” He turned forward again and continued his trek across the parking lot.
Jake caught up and fell into step with him. “I think you got it wrong.”
“I know what I saw.”
“Talk to him.”
Michael stopped abruptly. “And say what?”
“Give him a chance to explain what happened.”
“Why?”
“Because what if you’re wrong?” Jake yelled.
Michael let his head loll back and silently cursed the evening sky.
“You love him, man. You can’t give up just like that. You gotta hope for the best.”
Something flickered in Michael. Something familiar, yet strange. And it began to wend its way into his heart.
Hope.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
JAKE WOULDN’T play video games with Michael on Saturday morning, and he felt empty.
“What are you up to today?” Bobbie asked.
He lost another game of Minecraft, tossed the controller away, and fell back on the couch. “Nothing.”
“The longer you wait to speak with Christy, the harder it will be to do it.”
He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “I don’t want to talk to him.” She chuckled softly, and Michael lifted his hands and looked at her from beneath his palms.
She sighed. “You’ll be miserable until you do.”
“So what.”
“Now you’re being infantile.”
“So what,” he repeated as he rose from the couch and left the room. He climbed the banking staircase and made his way down the hall to his guest bedroom, flipped the iPod on, and dropped onto the bed. Rascal Flatts’s “Let It Hurt” filled the air. He fell back on the bed, put the pillow over his head, and cried the hardest he’d cried yet.
ROB KNOCKED on the frame of the screen door, and Christy looked up from the blank piece of paper beneath the tip of his pen. He’d tried to write a letter to Michael for six days, accomplished nothing, and Rob had given him until the end of the day to write it. He motioned to Rob to enter.
“How is it going?”
He shoved the blank paper across the kitchen island to Rob.
“Would you like help?”
“I wish to be released from the assignment.”
Rob took a seat across from him. “Why don’t you start with ‘Dear Michael’?”
At this point he’d write anything. Rob said he didn’t have to give it to Michael, and he wanted the assignment gone. He reached for the paper, quickly scribbled Dear Michael, and pushed it back to Rob.
“Excellent. Now, why don’t you add ‘When you asked me about having sex with Thimi, I couldn’t say no because of the past.’”
Christy reached for the paper and wrote again. “What is the next?”
“I have not had sex with anyone but you since I escaped captivity.”
“This is not true. I have the sex with Yosef.”
“You were raped.”
He hated that Michael had seen the video and cringed inwardly as he wrote I have not had the sex with any of the person but you since I escape the captivity except with Yosef because of the rape. He shoved the paper to Rob.
Rob read it and pushed it back to him. “Good.”
He waited an extended time and became impatient when Rob didn’t continue. “What is the next?”
Rob chuckled softly. “It’s been a long time since I wrote a letter like this.”
“You have this problem?”
“Not this exact problem, but one like it. Why don’t you keep it simple? Add ‘I love you. Please come back.’”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He does not wish to return.”
“How do you know that?”
Christy made an exaggerated gesture. “He is not here.”
Rob chuckled again. “All right. What else would you like to say?”
“Nothing. I wish to be released from the assignment.”
“Why don’t you tell me what you feel most right now?”
“Angry.”
“Why?”
“Because he makes the assumption, and I do not like the assignment.”
Rob nodded. “What does that assumption speak to?”
“I do not understand the question.”
“What makes you angry about the assumption?”
“It is wrong.”
“True. Tell me what you feel most when you think about it.”
He’d already said he was angry. What more did Rob want him to say? His frustration rose another notch. “I wish to be released from the assignment.”
“No. What do you feel most when you think about his assumption?”
“He is wrong.”
“You’re talking about him. Tell me about you, please.”
He wanted to yell, to tell Rob to go away. “This is not fair to me.”
Rob nodded again. “True. Why?”
“I would not do this.”
Rob nodded again. “And?”
His anger began to well, and it only made it harder to speak English. “And what? I am angry because I would not do this. He should know this.”
“Did you listen to what you just said?”
He rubbed his tired eyes. He couldn’t remember what he’d said, and Rob’s question only made his brain hurt. “No.”
“You said ‘he should know this.’”
He didn’t know what Rob wanted him to say. “Okay.”
“What does ‘he should know this’ mean?”
He rubbed his eyes harder. “It means he should have the trust with me.”
“That’s right. You’re hurt because he didn’t trust you, and it makes you angry.”
“This is not important.”
“Why isn’t it?”
“Because of the past, none of the person can trust me.”
“When you make a commitment or a promise, is your word good?”
He abruptly ceased rubbing his eyes and looked at Rob. “All of the times.”
“That means you’re trustworthy, and Michael should trust you based on his experiences with you, should not make assumptions, and owes you an apology. You need to begin a dialogue with him if you want that apology and, more importantly, if you want the relationship.”
He could no longer keep his anger and frustration in check. After nearly sixteen months of fighting to heal, he couldn’t take it anymore and exploded. “This is the stupid letter! This is the stupid conversation! It does not make the difference if the word of me is good! It does not make the difference if I am the honest person! None of the person will trust me! I am not important!”
“That is not true, Christy.”
He couldn’t help it. He burst into tears. “It is the truth! I am the whore like Yosef said! I cannot have the hope to be the normal person because I cannot be the normal person! No one can love the person like me!” He buried his face in his hands.
Rob stood from his seat.
“I cannot do the breakup with Michael! I wish to return to Greece,” he sobbed.
“You’re no longer a victim, Christy. Michael made a terrible mistake, but what you think and feel about yourself is entirely up to you.”
“I cannot change the past! I cannot change the person of me! I cannot be the normal person because of the past! I cannot do it!”
“Your past has nothing to do with your today except that it has molded part of your personality. The more you heal, the more that part will fade and become less of your personality and life. Live in the past, or live in the present and have hope for your future. The choice is yours.”
“It is foolish to have the hope! I wish to return to Greece!”
“You can do anything you want to do, but always remember this. You are responsible for the choices you make regardless of what anyone else says or does.”
Rob walked to the front door and turned back. “You’re not released from the assignment.”
Rob left the cabin, and Christy sobbed for what seemed an interminable time. He wanted Michael back but at the same time hated him for not trusting him. He’d never before experienced a broken heart, and it hurt worse than anything anyone had ever done to him.
AN HOUR later, Sophia called. Christy went to the iPod and turned down K.S. Rhoads’s “Dark Hotel” and answered the phone with a quick, “Hello, Sophia.”
“Agapiméne mou, how are you?”
He wiped his nose with a tissue. “You are in Paris?”
“Yes.”
“What is the time?”
“Don’t worry about the time. Tell me how you are.”
“Rob called because I wish to return to Greece?”
“Yes. Tell me why you wish to leave Wellington?”
“I cannot stay
. Michael does not want me.”
“Aw, agapiméne mou, tell me what happened?”
He began to cry again and stifled a sob against the tissue. “Rob gives me the assignment to write the letter to make a dialogue with Michael. I try, but I do not like it.”
“Read it to me?”
He blew his nose and began. “I read now:
Dear Michael,
This is the second time I write the letter for you. Before, I have more time to make the English better. I cannot do it now. I make the apology. The first letter is to explain the past. This letter is to explain today.
When you ask if I have the sex with Thimi, I cannot say no because of the past. I did not have the sex with Thimi now. I would not do this.
I know I am not the person of trust because of the past. The video in the court and Yosef’s words tell you this. I am sorry for the past. I am sorry for the kidnap against me.
I am the honest person for you all of the times. I am the person of trust for you all of the times. I make the big effort to be the very good person and wish the second chance with you. I make the promise to make the bigger effort. If you do not give the second chance to me, it is okay.
S’agapó,
CTAC”
He blew his nose. “Rob says to write the ‘dear’ before Michael. This is correct?”
“Yes.”
“And I make the underline of the ‘now.’ This is good?”
“Very good. I might change one thing. Remove the ‘If you do not give the second chance to me, it is okay’ at the end.”
“Okay.”
“Now it’s perfect.”
“It is hard for me,” he squeaked out, “but Rob will not release me from the assignment.”
“It’s a wonderful letter.”
“Thank you.”
“Will you think about something for me?”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t go to Wellington for Michael. You went to heal. Stay there for you, not for him.”
Christy breathed deeply. “Sophia?” He stifled a sob against the tissue again. “I have the many disappointment in the past. I have the broken heart when my mother dies. But I do not have this kind of broken heart before, and I cannot….”