Shocko plucked the guitar strings while Riley tried to think.
‘I was watching this show about these, like, midget people,’ he said, as he strummed – badly.
‘They don’t like being called midgets.’
‘Why?’
‘They think it’s offensive and derogatory.’
‘But they are midgets.’
‘No. They’re Little People or people of small stature.’
‘Seriously? They want to be called Little People? I would have thought that would be offensive.’
‘No, that’s fine.’
‘How do you know this?’
‘I watched a documentary about it.’
‘Of course you did. Anyway, I was watching this show about a little woman and she –’
‘That’s it!’ Riley sat up. ‘Little Women.’
‘What?’
‘We can do our project on Little Women and we can discuss why everyone thinks Laurie and Jo should have ended up together and not Amy and Laurie. Jo and Laurie are opposites. She’s kind of like me and he’s a bit like Zach, and they love each other and we can discuss it. Maybe I can make him see that opposites do attract and can work. If he’s too lazy to read the book, he can watch the movie. It’s perfect.’
‘Hang on a second. Isn’t Zach the guy you hate? Didn’t you just burn all that stuff outside his house because he humiliated you and you think he’s a dick?’
Riley nodded. ‘Yes, but I hurt him badly too and if we can just get past all of that and get rid of Zoë, I think we could make it work. Maybe.’
‘So you’re into him again?’
‘Kind of.’
‘The burning and shouting was just a …?’
‘A reaction to him being with Zoë.’
‘Women, you’re all nuts.’ Shocko sighed. ‘Maybe I could write a song about it – “Nutty Women, Wacky Women, Crazy Chicks or Gaga Girls”.’
Riley grinned and started putting the books back on her shelf.
Mia came through the door, kicked off her shoes and fell onto the couch. Johnny snapped his laptop shut. He’d been googling to see if there was anything online about Sarah. He was worried the story would get out if someone from the hospital talked.
‘Well?’
Mia lay down and put her arm over her eyes. ‘Nightmare. She’s got a swelling on her brain and they’ve had to put a tube in. Dad and Adam had a row and I honestly don’t know what to do any more.’
Johnny’s heart sank. This was not good news. Sarah’s body was beginning to crumble. He rubbed Mia’s feet. ‘Poor Sarah.’
‘I actually found myself wishing she’d die so it would all be over. No more pain for her, peace at last, but she is dead. That’s the head-wrecking part. Sarah is dead, but none of us can grieve her. Adam wants to keep his son alive and I get that, but is it right? Is it ethical? I just don’t know what to think.’
‘It’s an impossible situation. There is no right or wrong,’ Johnny said.
Mia sat up. ‘But what should we do, Johnny? Should we turn off the life support?’
Johnny had thought about it a lot. Every time he went in to see Sarah, he felt more horrified. He’d barely slept the last few nights. Between Mia walking around the house, like a ghost, at night and his own head swirling with thoughts of Sarah, sleep was not forthcoming. What would he do?
‘I think, if it was me and you were pregnant and there was any chance of saving the baby, I’d have to try. Imagine if it was Riley in there.’
‘But the doctors all think the baby will die anyway.’
‘I know.’
‘I keep wondering what Sarah would want. That’s the most important thing and, honestly, I think she’d want to try, even if it was a one-in-a-billion chance of the baby making it. She was a lioness when it came to Izzy, a protector and a fighter.’
Johnny patted her leg. ‘Well, I guess there’s your answer.’
Mia nodded. She pulled her legs under her and hugged a cushion. ‘Angela told me that bastard of a reporter had been back asking questions, but they all stonewalled him. Security kicked him out and barred him. I thought you said you’d sort it with that guy Jimmy Dolan.’
Damn it, the reporter knew he was on to a good story. It was going to be very difficult to stop this coming out.
‘Jimmy’s been away the past two days, but I have a meeting with him tomorrow morning and I’ll get it sorted then.’
‘You have to, Johnny, because, honestly, Adam and Charlie are on their last nerves and it wouldn’t take much to make them really lose it. I thought they were going to come to blows earlier. Thank God Rob was there to handle Adam.’
‘I’m so sorry I wasn’t,’ Johnny said, feeling bad. ‘Maybe I can talk to Adam, ask him to cool it with Charlie.’
Mia shrugged. ‘Maybe. He’s so wound up, though, I’m not sure he’d listen to anyone. The only one who can get through to him is Rob.’
‘And what do you think Rob’s take on it is?’ Johnny asked.
Mia stared at the broken curtain rail. She reckoned it would never get fixed now. ‘I’m not sure. He’s just supporting Adam, but sometimes I wonder if he’s thinking something different from Adam. When he looks at Sarah, he seems distressed. I might try to get him on his own, see what he feels about Adam’s decision to keep her on the life support.’
‘Yeah. If it comes to it and it’s necessary to let Sarah go, Rob might be very important in getting Adam to accept that.’
‘Definitely,’ Mia said, nodding. ‘I feel there’s a distance creeping between us and Adam at the moment. He keeps shooting glances at Charlie like he doesn’t trust him. It’s really upsetting. We should be united, but Charlie really wants to let Sarah have a dignified death. He can’t see Adam’s point of view at all.’
‘What about Olivia?’ Johnny said.
‘What about her?’ Mia said brusquely.
‘Could you ask her to talk to Charlie and maybe put Adam’s view to him?’
‘I don’t think so,’ Mia said. ‘She feels the same way as Dad, that it’s pointless and unnecessary.’ Mia laid her head back against the couch.
Johnny stroked her face. ‘And in the middle of all this madness, you’ve lost your sister and best friend,’ he said gently. ‘I’m so sorry, Mia. There are really no words.’
Tears were falling down her cheeks. ‘I just keep talking to her, Johnny, because then it feels like she’s going to wake up. But it’s sort of disorienting and I have to remind myself she’s gone. I feel like I’m in some strange in-between world. Nothing is solid. But when I allow myself to feel even a tiny bit of what I’ve lost, it’s like I’m going to lose my mind as well.’
‘Oh, Mia,’ he said, resting his head against hers. ‘It’s impossible to imagine this family without Sarah in it.’
‘I don’t want to,’ Mia said. She let her head fall onto her husband’s chest and cried softly. There was only so much a person could take, could feel, and she was reaching the outer limits of her stamina. How long would it go on?
27
Izzy rolled over and kicked Adam in the balls. Ouch. Christ, sleeping with a wriggly seven-year-old was no fun. She’d thrashed about all night and he’d barely slept a wink.
Adam felt as if he was in a long, dark tunnel with no light. He was trying to process all the medical information, trying not to lose his mind about Sarah and trying to make the best decisions for their baby. His brain hurt with all the thinking. All he could do was cling to his gut instinct that Sarah wouldn’t let her baby go without putting up a hell of a fight.
He wanted to pull the covers over his head, sleep for a long time and wake up with everything back to normal. How had his life become a living nightmare?
He wanted to wake up beside his beautiful wife. He wanted to hold her, smell her hair, feel the warmth of her body next to his. But he never would.
Adam buried his face in the pillow and tried to stifle his sobs.
‘Daddy?’ Izzy tapped him on the shoulder. ‘Ar
e you sad?’
‘No, Sweet-pea, I’m just really tired.’ Adam wiped his tears with the edge of the pillowcase and opened his arms to hug Izzy.
She snuggled up to him. ‘Do you think I could see Mummy today?’
‘I don’t think so, love.’
‘Oh.’ Her little face fell.
Adam’s heart sank. How could life be so cruel? How could it rip a loving mother from the life of a sweet, innocent child? ‘Come on now, we’re being lazy. Time to get up for school.’
‘I don’t want to go. I’m tired.’ Izzy was sulky.
‘Up you get.’ Adam tickled her to get her up. She wriggled and writhed but eventually got out of the bed. ‘You go and get dressed,’ he told her, ‘and I’ll have a quick shower.’
Adam stood under the heavy fall of water and tried to wake up his exhausted body. What would today bring? He felt almost afraid to think of it. Would his son make it through another day? It was the only hope Adam had left. Without the prospect of his son surviving this horror, there was just a black hole.
Adam would not give up. He couldn’t. He knew that if he gave up hope he’d fall apart, and he owed it to Sarah to keep trying. She had wanted this baby so much, had been so happy when she’d told him she was pregnant. It hurt to think of that glorious day. They’d felt so lucky.
Luck. What a joke. Two weeks ago Adam had felt like the luckiest man in the world, now his life was about as unlucky as it could possibly be.
He blamed himself. He’d known Sarah was getting headaches and had told her to go and see the obstetrician, but she hadn’t. He should have paid more attention – should have taken her there himself. She must have been worried, in pain, serious pain. Why hadn’t she told him how bad the headaches were?
He was angry with himself but also with her. Damn you, Sarah, why didn’t you speak up? Why did you have to be so bloody stoic? They might have been able to operate and save your life – save ours too. Me and Izzy and the baby are lost without you. Adam thumped the shower wall, instantly regretting it as a sharp pain shot up his arm.
‘FUCK!’ he roared.
‘Daddy,’ a little voice behind him said.
Adam exhaled deeply. ‘Yes, Izzy?’
‘Breakfast is ready. I poured your cornflakes for you.’
‘You are wonderful. I’ll be down in two minutes.’
Izzy was eating her cereal quietly when Adam walked in. He felt marginally better after his shower and shout.
‘Eat your breakfast, Daddy, or I’ll be late for school.’
He kissed Izzy’s head. ‘Thanks for getting everything ready.’
‘We need to hurry, Daddy. We have to make my lunch. I can’t be late for school.’ Izzy took off her glasses, picked up a tea-towel and began to clean them.
‘I’ll sort it out. Just let me have some coffee first. It’ll help me wake up.’
While Adam drank a cup of strong coffee, Izzy finished her cereal and put her bowl in the dishwasher. She pulled out the pitta bread and the cheese and placed them on the counter.
Adam picked up a bread knife and tried to hack open the pitta. Lumps of bread sprayed all over the countertop. ‘What the hell?’
‘Stop, Daddy!’ Izzy shouted. ‘You have to toast it first. It goes all puffy in the toaster and then you can cut it and the cheese goes all melty when you put it in.’
‘Fine.’ Adam grabbed another pitta and placed it in the toaster. When it popped he reached in to take it out. ‘Jesus!’ he cried, dropping it on the floor. ‘Bloody hell, that’s hot.’
‘Mummy made it pop out without touching it,’ Izzy grumbled.
Adam picked it up and grasped the bread knife.
‘I’m not eating that! It fell on the floor! It’s all dirty and gross,’ Izzy cried.
Adam gave it a rub with a tea-towel. ‘It’s fine. The floor is clean.’
‘No, it isn’t. Mummy cleaned the floor every day but you don’t and it isn’t clean now and I’m not eating disgusting dirty pitta.’
‘I’ll do another.’
They waited in silence as the pitta toasted. When it popped, Adam flipped it out of the toaster without using his burned fingertips. He carefully cut it open and laid the two sides face up, letting them cool down.
‘No, Daddy, you can’t let it go cold or the cheese won’t melt. You’re not supposed to cut it open fully. Only a bit so you can put the cheese inside, then close it and it melts. Now it won’t melt.’ She stamped her foot. ‘I don’t want it. Put on another one.’
‘That was the last one.’
‘You’re the worst sandwich-maker ever. I have no lunch now. I’m going to starve in school.’
‘Hold on, you can have a – a …’ Adam frantically looked around for something. This was Sarah’s territory, not his. He found some crackers in the cupboard. ‘Here, cheese and crackers will be nice too.’
‘I hate crackers. I have never, ever liked crackers. I like pitta with melty cheese. It’s the only sandwich I really like.’
‘Come on, Izzy, give me a break here. Just eat crackers today or else eat the pitta with cheese not fully melted. It really isn’t that big a deal. I’ll get you a chocolate bar in the garage beside school as a treat. OK?’
‘No. We’re not allowed chocolate in school. We’re not allowed any sweet things. I don’t want my teeth to go brown and fall out. I want a melty cheese pitta sandwich. I’m going to be hungry all day now. I hate you. You’re the worst daddy ever.’ Izzy collapsed on the floor, sobbing.
Adam put the knife and the crackers down and sat on the floor beside his little girl. He pulled her up onto his lap. ‘I’m sorry about the sandwich. I know I’m a rubbish sandwich-maker. Mummy was the best at that. I’ll try to do better tomorrow. You can help me. We’ll do it really slowly and get it perfect. Just for today could we buy you a roll in the garage?’
‘OK. Just for today.’
‘That’s my girl. I’m sorry, sweetie.’
‘I miss her, Daddy.’
‘I know you do, Izzy. I miss her too.’ Adam buried his face in Izzy’s hair and they both cried for the lost centre of their universe.
Adam was helping Izzy into her school coat when Rob came down the stairs, pushing his freshly showered hair out of his eyes. ‘Morning.’
‘Can you make pitta sandwiches?’ Izzy asked.
‘I sure can.’
‘Good. You can teach Daddy while I’m in school,’ Izzy said.
‘I’d be happy to,’ Rob said.
‘I’m just going to drop Izzy to school. I’ll be back in twenty minutes and we can catch up then.’
‘Hey, let me do it. You look like you could use a coffee. I’d like to.’
‘Yeah, I want Uncle Rob to bring me to school.’
‘Great,’ Adam said. ‘Thank you.’
Adam watched Rob hold Izzy’s hand as they headed out to the car. He wanted to weep with gratitude that his brother was there, on his side, on his team, helping to hold him up when all around him was crumbling.
28
Mia greeted the children as they arrived. After so many days at the hospital, she had decided that doing something ‘normal’ might be good for her. It was getting harder and harder to sit in that little waiting room in the ICU, slowly losing her mind. Instead, she had come into school and would pop in to see Sarah in the evening. This state of limbo could go on for months if the medical team could keep the baby alive, and it certainly wouldn’t be good to live in that limbo the whole time. She had to be strong and try to live some sort of life as well.
Some parents dropped the children and hurried off, avoiding having to talk to Mia. Others were childminders who spoke little English, but a handful of parents said they’d heard her sister was unwell and hoped she’d recover soon. Mia smiled sadly, nodded and thanked them. She didn’t want to get into a conversation with any parent about it. She had no answers and the reality of the situation was too complex to explain, and too painful to talk about.
Fiona Kelly, the headm
istress, had told all of the other staff members and any parents who enquired that Isobel Brown’s mother and Mia Wilson’s sister was in a coma and was non-responsive. It was the line Mia had fed her and it kind of summed it up. If anyone had guessed otherwise, they didn’t say so to her.
The last child ran in and Mia closed the door.
‘Good morning, everyone,’ she said.
‘Good morning, Miss Mia,’ the twenty-three children answered.
‘What have you been up to while I’ve been away?’
Milly’s hand shot up. ‘Miss Hannah kept us up with our Communion work and we did our spellings and our maths.’
Sam’s hand went up. ‘Em … your sister is in a coma. I’m sorry, Miss Mia.’
‘That’s very kind of you, Sam, thanks.’
‘What’s a coma?’ Kerry asked.
‘It’s when a person is lying down and sleeping but also kind of dead,’ Sam explained.
‘Don’t say dead! My mum said not to say dead,’ Conor stage-whispered.
Sam’s eyes widened. ‘Sorry, Miss Mia, I didn’t mean dead.’
‘Sam, it’s fine. We should move on now, class. Take out your spelling books.’
‘I saw Izzy crying at lunchtime yesterday,’ Niamh said.
‘Yeah, me too,’ Kelly said.
‘Did you go over to see if she was all right?’ Mia asked.
‘Yep, I did,’ Niamh said. ‘She said she was sad because her mummy won’t wake up, but I said, “Izzy, she’ll wake up just like Sleeping Beauty. Maybe your dad just needs to give her true love’s kiss.”’
‘Eww, gross.’ Conor made a vomiting face.
‘You’re so thick, Conor. If a husband kisses his wife, it’s fine. If he kisses someone else’s wife, that’s bad.’
‘My dad kissed someone else at a party and my mum was suuuuuuuper-cross,’ Alexandra said.
Yikes, thought Mia. Alexandra’s parents wouldn’t want that broadcast around the school.
Seven Letters Page 19