Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘I think Riley will be feisty like her mother and grandmother. Mum’s going to get such a kick out of Riley when she gets older and more opinionated. It’ll be fun to watch.’

  Mia gulped back tears. ‘I wish Mum had known Riley for longer. They got on so well. “Peas in a pod,” Dad used to say. I wish Mum was here now to help me connect better with Riley. I need her, but even more, I need you, Sarah. You always told me to be more patient, to give Riley a break, and you were so good at getting me to take a step back and not react so quickly. I miss your advice. I miss you and your positivity and calmness and loveliness and … all of you.’

  ‘I wonder what my children will be like. Will they be go-getters like Adam? Will they be sporty or smart or arty or all three? It doesn’t matter to me, as long as they’re healthy and happy. When I look back now, I feel so grateful to have had such a happy childhood. I didn’t appreciate it at the time but now, when I see what can happen to kids, I know how lucky I was to have Mum and Dad and Mia. I just hope I don’t only have one child. I can’t say that to Mia. I know how much she wanted another child and how upset she was when they found out they couldn’t. My heart broke for both of them. Johnny was so crushed and he kept looking at Mia when they told us and you could see he was so devastated that he couldn’t give her this important gift – another child. He loves her so much and, you know, she loves him just as much. She was amazing: she never made him feel like it was a problem. She said Riley was enough and she never looked back. Except sometimes, when she was alone with me and had had a few glasses of wine, her bravery would slip and she’d cry about it. I felt so bad for her. What can you say to someone who wants something they just can’t have? It makes your heart sore.

  ‘I loved having an older sister. I think having a sibling is so wonderful, I want that for my kids. I want them to have the bond that a sibling gives you and to know, whatever happens, that that person will always be there for you.’

  Mia had to put the diary down and wipe her eyes. ‘Oh, Sarah. I wanted Izzy to have a brother, and we tried to save him, but they said there’s no hope. I’m so sorry. I prayed so hard – we all did. I promise you I’ll keep an eye on Izzy, and Riley will be like an older sister to her. Actually, Sarah, you’d be so happy if you saw how sweet Riley is being with Izzy. It’s made me so proud of her. She’s taking Izzy under her wing. I guess it’s a bit like I did with you. Five years between us and seven between them. They can be each other’s sibling.’

  ‘I’m looking at my wedding dress hanging up on the door of the wardrobe. It’s so beautiful. Mia’s sleeping soundly in the bed beside me. She is such a deep sleeper. I want to wake her up and chat, but I’ll let her sleep for another twenty minutes. She’s exhausted from working and then Riley got an ear infection and didn’t sleep for four nights. Poor Mia is worn out. OK, I’ll let her sleep for a bit longer, but then I will wake her because I’m too excited to sit here alone. I think half past eight is a reasonable time to wake her up. I’ll order a big breakfast in bed. I can’t eat a thing, I’m too nervous, but Mia will enjoy it and we can chat while she’s eating and maybe a cup of herbal tea will calm my nerves. Although they aren’t really nerves, just excitement. Excitement about this being the best day of my life when I get to marry my true love and start on a new adventure with him by my side. I am truly the happiest girl alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

  Mia closed the diary. She held her sister’s hand between hers. ‘Adam’s upsetting me so much,’ she said quietly, ‘but you’ve reminded me how important he is to you. You really adored that man, and I know you’re the most important thing in the world to him. Things aren’t great at the moment, but I promise I’ll talk to Adam and sort things out. I’ll do it for you and Izzy.’

  36

  Mia put her apron and mask in the bin. She felt so old and weary. Her whole body ached with exhaustion and sadness. She had to try to patch things up with Adam. She must remember how upset he was, bite her tongue and give him the benefit of the doubt. He was well-intentioned, and she had to keep that firmly in mind.

  Angela came over to her. ‘Did you have a nice chat?’

  Mia nodded. ‘Yes, thanks. It was just what I needed.’

  ‘You’ve all had a terrible shock and we’re so sorry about the baby, too. It’s been a nightmare for you.’

  ‘Thanks, Angela. Everyone here has been so lovely to us.’ Mia sighed. ‘It’s just amazing how one day your normal is going to school and teaching and the next your sister is brain dead and her baby is dying too. How is that? How can you process it?’

  Angela patted her shoulder. ‘ICU is full of people whose lives have changed in an instant. We see it all the time and it’s so hard on the families and loved ones. You need to mind yourself, your dad too.’

  Mia nodded, unable to speak. Kindness set her off. She blew her nose with a tissue. ‘I need to go back to work.’

  ‘Well, don’t rush anything,’ Angela said.

  ‘I think it’ll help to be there every day. The school have been so accommodating, but with the Communion coming up they need me to be around. Besides, the kids are so sweet and innocent, they lift my spirits.’

  ‘If you think it’ll help you, do it,’ Angela said.

  ‘Mum?’

  Mia spun around. Riley was standing in her school uniform beside Johnny.

  Johnny held up his hands in warning. ‘There was a half-day in school for some teacher-training thing. Riley wanted to see Sarah, so I said she could because we don’t know how long she has left.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea.’ Mia glanced towards the door to Sarah’s room. Riley had no idea what lay behind it.

  ‘I knew you’d say that,’ Riley said, ‘but I really want to see her, Mum. Dad told me she’s all puffed up and stuff. I can handle it. I just want to say … goodbye.’

  ‘I’m not sure you can handle it, Riley. I think you should remember Sarah as she was.’

  ‘I want to see my aunt. I love her too, you know.’ Riley’s chin wobbled.

  ‘Maybe it’s no harm for Riley to see her and say a few words. You did say you found it comforting,’ Angela suggested gently. ‘I’ll pop a pair of sunglasses over her eyes and make sure the sheet is covering her. Give me one second.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Mia said. At least if Sarah’s bulging eyes and body were covered, Riley might get slightly less of a shock.

  Angela handed protective gear to Riley, then disappeared into the room for a few minutes. She came back out and beckoned them over to the door.

  ‘Now, you only have to go as far into the room as you wish,’ Angela said. ‘And the moment you want to leave, you do that. Don’t feel it’s disrespectful to leave quickly. It’s a shock, and we don’t want you to feel any pressure to stay with Sarah.’

  Riley nodded.

  Mia grabbed her hand. ‘Riley, you need to prepare yourself. She looks awful … really, really awful.’

  ‘It’s OK, Mum,’ Riley said, looking nervous. ‘I understand. I’m ready.’

  Mia helped her daughter with the apron and mask, then to disinfect her hands and put on gloves, and Johnny did the same. The three of them walked into the room.

  Beside her, Mia heard Johnny gasp, ‘Oh, Jesus.’

  Riley walked straight over to the bed. ‘Hi, Sarah, it’s Riley and … Oh, my God!’ she shrieked.

  ‘I told you this was a bad idea,’ Mia hissed to Johnny.

  Riley covered her eyes. ‘Oh, no … Sarah …’

  Mia went over to comfort her, wrapping her in a tight hug. ‘We’ll leave, love. Let’s go.’

  Riley shrugged her arms away and took a deep breath. ‘No, I’m OK. Sorry, Sarah.’ She exhaled, walked over to the chair and sat down. She stared at Sarah, as Johnny and Mia stared at her.

  ‘Poor Sarah,’ Johnny whispered.

  Riley picked up a brush from the bedside locker and began to brush Sarah’s hair out across the pillow. She was gentle and tender and it hurt Mia’s heart to see it.

  ‘I
always loved your hair, Sarah. It’s movie-star hair. So silky and golden and wavy. Black is a bit crap, really. Maybe I’ll dye mine blonde later.’ Riley looked over at her parents. ‘Honestly, it’s OK now. You can go. I’ll just stay for a few minutes.’

  Mia and Johnny left the room, but Mia stood outside the door, leaving it slightly ajar so she could rush in if Riley panicked.

  ‘I thought you’d like to know that Izzy is doing fine. I see her in the yard every day. She misses you big-time, but she’s stronger than she looks. She’s got your sweetness with a bit of Adam’s toughness, which is good. Everyone keeps asking about you. It’s hard to know what to say. I say you’re in a coma. I’m really sorry about the baby, Sarah. I know you wanted a sibling for Izzy. I used to hate being an only child, but I’ve kind of got used to it now. It’s a bit intense because there is only you for your parents to focus on and you know what Mum is like – she’s all over me like a rash, on my case twenty-four/seven. But then again, you get all your parents’ love and attention, which is kind of cool too.

  ‘I know you won’t be there for Izzy, to see her grow up, and that totally sucks, but Mum will look out for her, and Dad and me and Granddad and Rob will, too. So she won’t feel alone or not loved enough. We’ll fill the gap, I promise.

  ‘You were always so great to me. I loved calling into your house. There was always amazing home-cooked food and you were always so interested in me. You made Mum chill out and give me a break too. The only time I saw you annoyed was when I told Mum to shut up and you snapped at me and said, “Don’t speak to your mother like that.”

  ‘When Mum went to the loo, you told me I should treasure her because she did so much for me. She worked so hard to provide me with everything and she was a brilliant mother. I was never to disrespect her and I should appreciate her. That made me think, and I realized you were right. I was mortified that you’d seen me being rude, and ashamed as well. Mum is great and I know how much she does for me. I guess sometimes we just clash. Dad says it’s because we’re so similar, stubborn mules. I’ve tried to help and be kind since you’ve been in your coma, but I always seem to say the wrong thing. I dunno, it’s like my brain wants to say one thing but it comes out of my mouth all wrong. I’m worried about Mum. She’s so sad. I’ve never seen her like this. She spent half the day in bed yesterday. Yeah, I know! Mum in bed. I think she’s depressed. I was scared she’d turn into one of those people who sits in a chair and rocks all day with dribble on their chin.

  ‘I know her heart is broken in pieces. She cries a lot, and you know Mum never cries. It’s hard seeing her so upset. But she loves you so much, she can’t bear to say goodbye.

  ‘I’m boring you now, amn’t I? I guess I just wanted you to know that I’m trying to be a good daughter and I love you and I miss you and I still can’t believe this has happened. God, Sarah, I really, really miss you. You were so brilliant to me.’

  Mia could hear the sound of quiet crying. She bent her head and tried to fight back her own tears. Johnny came over and put his arms around her and she rested her head against him. From inside the room, they could hear Riley sniffing and taking deep breaths.

  ‘I’m going to say goodbye, Sarah, even though I don’t want to. But I’m not going to come in again because it really hurts to see you like this. I can’t believe they’re letting this happen to you. I’d pull that plug in a heartbeat if it were my choice … Oh, God, this is hard. I don’t want to get up and go because then it’s really over. I wish you were still here, Sarah. I’ll remember you always. Love you.’

  Through the crack in the door, Mia saw Riley stand up. Then she sat down again quickly, covering her face with her hands. Mia pointed silently and Johnny nodded. They pushed open the door and went inside. Mia went over and put her arm around Riley.

  ‘Wherever she is, she heard you, and she adores you too,’ she said. ‘Come on, time to go now.’

  She helped Riley to her feet and she and Johnny walked their daughter out of the room. Once outside, Johnny wrapped his arms around the two of them as they cried.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ a voice demanded.

  Mia and Riley looked up, and Johnny took a step forward.

  ‘Adam,’ Johnny said, ‘Riley wanted –’

  ‘I thought I made it perfectly clear yesterday that you are not allowed near Sarah,’ Adam snapped, as he walked towards them. ‘You didn’t do anything, did you?’ he said, staring at them wildly. He ran past them into the room, glanced around, then came back out to them again.

  ‘Adam, we wouldn’t dream of touching any of the machines,’ Johnny said calmly. ‘I think you know that.’

  ‘I know you’re not with me on this,’ Adam said. ‘How the hell do I know what you would or wouldn’t do? You can’t be in there.’

  ‘That is Mum’s sister,’ Riley said, her voice cracking. ‘What if Rob was lying in a hospital bed and we said you couldn’t visit him?’

  Adam flinched, but then his face hardened again. ‘You’re just a kid, Riley. You don’t understand this situation.’

  ‘I understand enough,’ Riley said. ‘She’s not Sarah any more. It’s hard to be in there to see what’s happening to her. I couldn’t do that to someone I love.’

  ‘You don’t understand!’ Adam shouted, and Johnny quickly stepped forward to protect Riley.

  The two men squared up, anger flashing in their eyes.

  ‘Stop that this minute,’ Angela said, in a voice Mia had never heard her use before. She marched straight up and put a hand on each man’s shoulder. ‘Back away this instant or I’m getting security to put you both out.’

  Johnny took a step away but remained warily on guard.

  ‘They were just leaving,’ Adam said.

  ‘If they want to,’ Angela said evenly. ‘Mia is immediate family, so I’m not going to order her out.’

  ‘I’m next-of-kin,’ Adam said. ‘My rights supersede hers and I don’t want her in there.’

  Mia took a deep breath. ‘Adam, I’d really like to sort this out,’ she said. ‘It makes everything worse if we’re fighting.’

  Rob walked up to join them. ‘What’s going on?’ he asked, sounding worried.

  ‘I’m just explaining that they aren’t to visit Sarah,’ Adam said, staring hard at Mia.

  ‘I was suggesting we talk it through and try to resolve this,’ Mia said, forcing herself to stay calm and keep her voice low, non-threatening.

  ‘That’s a really good idea,’ Rob said, clearly relieved. ‘We really should talk as a family and work it out.’

  Adam said nothing. He walked over to the nurses’ station and went behind the counter. They all watched him, puzzled. Even Angela didn’t say anything, just watched him in confusion. He rooted on the desk, then took up a pen and a blank sheet of paper. He wrote something on it in big letters, then pulled a piece of Sellotape off the dispenser and walked back towards them. He went straight into Sarah’s room. They all crowded at the door, looking to see what he was doing.

  He stuck the page on the ventilator machine and stood back. In big heavy letters he’d written: DO NOT TURN OFF!!!

  ‘There,’ he said. ‘Now no one is going to do anything behind my back.’

  ‘He’s lost it,’ Riley muttered.

  Mia couldn’t disagree. This was not the behaviour of a rational man. What was going on in his head?

  ‘There’s no need for that, Adam,’ Angela said. ‘Everyone knows the decision belongs to you, and that the doctors are the only ones with authority to handle the ventilator.’

  ‘What people know and what people do are often different things,’ Adam retorted. He pointed at Mia. ‘She is a control freak. She’d do it, I know she would.’

  Mia gasped in shock.

  ‘That is crazy,’ Johnny said coldly. ‘You’ve no idea what you’re saying.’

  ‘I wouldn’t, Adam,’ Mia said helplessly.

  ‘You would,’ Adam hissed.

  ‘Outside,’ Angela ordered. ‘You’re not
arguing in here. Out.’

  They all stood about in the corridor. Mia looked at Rob, and motioned with her head towards Adam, meaning ‘Talk to him. Help us out here.’

  Rob nodded, but he seemed half scared. ‘Adam,’ he said, moving towards his brother, ‘Sarah would really hate this. Mia is willing to sit and talk it over, so why don’t we go into the waiting room and do that?’

  ‘I want to be with my wife now,’ Adam said. ‘Maybe we can talk another time.’ With that, he grabbed some protective clothing and walked straight back into the room, closing the door behind him.

  ‘Would you like me to ask Dr Mayhew to come down and talk to him?’ Angela asked.

  ‘Is he a shrink?’ Riley asked. ‘Because that’s what he needs. He’s lost it completely.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Rob said, and Mia could see he was holding back tears. ‘This isn’t Adam. He’s not sleeping or eating. He’s crazy with grief.’

  ‘He needs help,’ Johnny said. ‘Maybe the doctor can do something.’

  Rob shook his head. ‘When he’s like this, there’s no point. I don’t think Mayhew could get through to him, especially when he’s saying it’s over.’

  ‘I’ll ring one of the social workers,’ Angela said. ‘I’ll explain the situation and ask them to come and talk to him, not about the decision, just about what he’s feeling. Would that be OK?’

  ‘I guess,’ Rob said.

  Mia went over and hugged him. ‘Rob, this isn’t your fault. You’re doing your best.’