‘I get you. No worries.’
‘Rob mentioned some fresh complications?’ Mia said, afraid to hear the answer.
Angela nodded. ‘The infections are getting worse, I’m sorry to say. We can’t control them. They’re coming from so many different sources. Her poor body is giving up.’
‘And is the baby still …’
Angela’s eyes welled up. ‘Yes, we can still get that heartbeat, but I don’t think it’ll be long before it …’
‘I hope so,’ Mia said softly. ‘I’ll go in now.’
She opened the door and took a deep breath. She hadn’t thought it possible for Sarah to look worse, but she did. Her eyes looked as if they were going to pop out of her head. Her body was even more bloated, while the wound in her head was oozing pus and now had a fungal infection. The team were masking the odours with creams, but Mia could still detect a sour smell that made her stomach turn.
She reached for the lavender hand cream in her bag, rubbed it into her gloves and inhaled deeply, then walked over and sat in the chair by the bed. As usual, she picked up Sarah’s hands and began to massage the cream into them.
‘I saw Izzy yesterday, Sarah. She’s so excited about her Communion. We did a rehearsal in the church and she was perfect, as always. She was talking about her hair. I hope Riley and I can do a good job. She said you’d picked out a particular style and that the photo is on your phone. I’ll have to contact Adam about it. He has your mobile. Things are still a bit strained between us, but we’ll work it out. The only thing that matters is Izzy, and I’ll swallow all my pride and anger for her, I promise.
‘This might be my last time in to see you, sis. Angela and the doctors don’t seem to hold out much hope for the baby lasting much longer, although they can’t say for sure. We all just want you to be able to rest in peace now. You and Ben. At least you’ll have him with you. It’s a strange comfort.’
Mia looked at her unrecognizable sister, at all the monitors and machines that were slowly engulfing her. Sarah was disappearing inside the tangle of wires, drips and tubes. You wouldn’t wish this on your worst enemy, Mia thought. Such a terrible death. If she could be granted one wish, it would be to die at home, in her warm bed, with no interventions, no doctors, no machines. Their noise filled the room, making Sarah’s still silence seem even louder.
Mia pulled out the diary and flicked through the pages. She fell on Christmas 2017.
‘I’ve just finished wrapping Izzy’s gifts. We went overboard this year. I think the fact that she is still an only child made both me and Adam go a bit bonkers. It’s as if we’re filling the void and disappointment with gifts.
‘I so want to give Adam a baby, but I have to accept that it may not happen and Izzy is enough. She is enough for anyone. She gets more beautiful and funny and wonderful by the minute. She’s like my best friend. I know that sounds soppy and sad, but she really is. There is no one I’d rather spend time with than my seven-year-old daughter.’
Oh, Sarah, if only you’d known you’d be pregnant with Ben in the new year. Then again, if you’d known how that pregnancy would end your heart would have broken.
‘They say that dads find it hard when their daughters get married and go off and live with someone else. I’ll find it really hard. I want Izzy to live with me for ever. No man will ever be good enough for her. She’s perfect in every way, and, yes, I’m obviously ridiculously biased, but she is.
‘I’m dreading tomorrow a bit because it’s our first time to meet Dad’s new “friend” Olivia. He’s bringing her to lunch here with all of us. He met her in the golf club about six weeks ago and seems very keen.
‘Mia hates her already, even though she hasn’t met her. Adam keeps winding Mia up saying, “Charlie seems really happy and full of beans. It must be all the sex.” I told him to stop. I don’t particularly want to think about Dad having sex with Olivia either. Although, to be fair, if he is, good on him.
‘Johnny’s lost his job. The newspaper closed down. So Mia’s in bad form. I hope she doesn’t drink too much wine. She’s a bit spiky at the moment.’
So would you be if Adam had no job and few prospects. It’s not easy, Sarah, I’m doing my best.
‘I’m really looking forward to us all being together for Christmas lunch. I hope Mia doesn’t argue with Riley. They’re killing each other at the moment. Riley can be a bit grumpy, although you can see it’s all just teenage awkwardness and angst. Mia reacts so quickly to her – they spark off each other so much. But you can see the love there, the affection and the devotion. They are cut from the same cloth and I know they’ll find each other again when the teenage stuff is over. I hope it’s soon, though, because I can see how much Mia misses Riley and the closeness they had.
‘To be fair, Mia does have a lot on her plate. She’s great the way she works and looks after Riley and tries to make sure Johnny is getting out and about, meeting people and networking, not letting the job loss bring him down.
‘I’d be useless if Adam lost his business. We’d be homeless. No one would hire me – I’m not good at anything, really, except being a mum. I do think I’m good at that, but no one is going to hire me for it.
‘I hope tomorrow is nice. I love Christmas and I want us all to have a good time. Dad seems happy with Olivia, so even if we don’t like her, I think we need to focus on the fact that he is happier than he has been in years.
‘Please God this year will bring a baby for us, a job for Johnny, love for Dad, hormonal balance for Riley and joy and happiness for my Izzy.’
Mia covered her face with her hands. Joy and happiness … Izzy had heartbreak, grief and devastation to look forward to. It was so cruelly unfair. She was such a little thing, so young and innocent. But all of that innocence would be crushed to pieces when she found out that her beloved mummy was dead and never coming back. Mia wept into her hands.
‘Christmas Day, 10 p.m. Everyone has gone home and I’m lying on the couch writing this while Adam snores beside me.
‘I’ve just tucked a happy but exhausted little girl into bed. She hugged me and said it was the “best Christmas ever”, which made all of the hard work and preparation worth it.
‘Adam and Mia both drank too much and needled each other, but it didn’t turn into an argument, thankfully. Johnny was quiet. I can see his confidence is low because of the prospect of being out of work. He is usually so much fun, but today he was definitely quieter. Riley spent most of the day on her new iPhone, but she did play with Izzy too.
‘Olivia … Well, what can I say about Olivia? She pawed Dad all day and he seemed to love it. Mia and I did a lot of giggling into our wine glasses.
‘All in all, it was a good day. But then Mia cried when she was leaving. Johnny and Riley had gone to the car and Mia was saying goodbye to me on the doorstep and thanking me for hosting Christmas and all that and then she burst into tears!
‘It was so unlike her. She was quite drunk and her emotions just rose to the surface. She said she misses Mum and that Christmas morning was awful because Johnny and she had spent all of their money on Riley’s phone and then they gave each other a book and that was it. She said Johnny had tried to make the house look Christmassy, but his heart wasn’t in it and she was too tired to bother. She said she woke up and went downstairs on her own while Johnny and Riley slept in.
‘“I miss Santa and the magic of Christmas and Riley being Izzy’s age and – and feeling light and happy. I’m turning into a grumpy, stressed-out cow. I hate myself.”
‘I hugged her and tried to console her. I told her she’s wonderful and brave and strong and loving and kind. I said, “This is just a phase. Johnny will get another job and Riley will come through her teenage years,” and she’d be able to breathe easy again.
‘She said they don’t feel like a family any more, that Riley spends all of her time in her bedroom and Johnny is always on the computer and she’s alone in the kitchen. They were all living separate lives and Mia said she feels r
eally lonely.
‘I felt so bad for her, but then Johnny honked the horn and she wiped her tears and left.
‘I wanted to hug her and comfort her. I hate seeing her so upset.’
Mia sat back in her chair. She remembered crying. She’d hated every minute of Christmas Day. She’d woken up with an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. She’d sat in the kitchen on her own, drinking coffee and looking at the small, cheap tree that Johnny had tried, in vain, to make cheerful. She’d felt deeply sad, lonely and low, very low. Was this her lot? Was she going to spend the next twenty years working to pay off the mortgage and worrying about Johnny and Riley? Where were the fun and the laughs she’d shared with the two most important people in her life? They felt like strangers to each other now.
Mia had felt so alone sitting in the kitchen that morning. But in a strange way, since Sarah had been in hospital, she had felt closer to Johnny and Riley. They were helping her – well, Johnny was, and Riley was trying. They were actually talking to each other. They weren’t always rushing off to different rooms, burying their faces in phones, laptops and Netflix.
God, how she wished she could turn back time. She wouldn’t have felt sorry for herself. She could slap that self-pitying woman in the face. She was lucky, so lucky. She’d had no idea how lucky she was that morning. If she’d known then what would happen five months later, she would not have been crying and moaning about stupid little problems. She would have been on her knees thanking God for life, health and her family.
‘Oh, Sarah,’ she whispered. ‘I’ve been an idiot. I’ll never complain again, and I’ll make sure we spend more time together as a family. I’ll drag Riley out of that bedroom and I’ll make Johnny put his laptop away and I’ll turn my phone off and we’ll try harder.’
Mia read the last paragraph of the entry:
‘When I closed the door, I realized how lucky I am and how I must cherish Izzy and Adam even more. We are so lucky to have each other and to love each other so much. Our little unit, our little bubble of joy, is all I’ve ever wished for – and more.’
Mia kissed the page and closed the diary. She held her sister’s hand, watched the clouds sailing gently by the window and prayed for Sarah to be at peace.
44
Riley didn’t hear them coming. If she had, she’d have run, but they would probably have caught her anyway, with all their fitness training. They slammed her against the wall of the science classroom.
‘What the actual fuck?’ Zoë screamed in her face. ‘Zach just dumped me for you. You – Debbie Downer!’
‘He’s obviously having some kind of brain fart,’ Cleo hissed.
Riley pushed against them and tried to wriggle out of their grasp, but they had arms of steel. They had her well and truly pinned to the wall.
‘Zach and me are a couple. We’re the sports couple. We train together and we cheer each other on. He is into me, not you. You’re just a freak who thinks she’s better than everyone because she reads boring books about boring people and dresses like a guy.’
‘What did you say to Zach to make him break up with Zoë? Did you offer him sex every day? I bet you did, you slut,’ Cleo sneered.
‘Zach told me that I was beautiful and sexy and fun. He said he loved hanging out with me. He said you made him feel stupid and were always angry about the world. He hated being with you. He can’t stand you, so what the hell did you do?’ Zoë’s face was contorted with rage.
Strangely, Riley felt sorry for Zoë. She knew how she felt. She’d felt like that when she’d seen Zach with her. She understood heartache and humiliation and the pain that comes with being dumped.
‘Look, Zoë, you need to talk to Zach, not me.’
‘I did talk to him,’ she shrieked. ‘We talked for three hours but he wouldn’t change his mind. He kept saying he was sorry but he’d made a mistake breaking up with you and he had to see if he could make it work.’
Riley smiled. Had he really said that? That was so nice to hear.
‘Do you think this is funny?’ Cleo kicked Riley’s leg. ‘You won’t be smiling next week when he dumps you and gets back with Zoë.’
‘I don’t think that’s going to happen,’ Riley said truthfully.
‘Shut your mouth and listen to me.’ Zoë put her face up to Riley’s. Riley could smell her strawberry lip balm. ‘I’m going to get Zach back. I’ll use all of my sports talent and the fact that I’m waaaay hotter than you to get him to change his mind. You don’t stand a chance.’
‘You might as well give up because Zoë is, like, drop-dead gorgeous and you look like that lesbian in Twilight – whatshername?’ Cleo tapped her head.
‘Kristen Stewart,’ Riley said.
‘Yeah, her.’
‘Well, I guess Zach likes that look,’ Riley said.
‘Shut up. Who gave you the right to speak?’ Cleo snapped.
‘You know what I think?’ Zoë said. ‘I think he’s only going out with you because he feels sorry for you. Zach has such a big heart, he knows your aunt is in, like, a coma or whatever and he wants to be nice. He’ll dump you when she wakes up or dies.’
Riley’d had enough. The mention of Sarah gave her the anger and strength she needed. She kicked out and hit Cleo in the shin. Cleo let go of Riley’s arms and bent over to hold her leg. Then Riley shoved Zoë with all her might. She stumbled and fell back.
At that exact moment Mrs Moloney came around the corner. ‘What’s going on?’
‘She attacked us,’ Zoë said. ‘She pushed me over. Look, I’ve cut my hand, and she kicked Cleo’s leg. I could have been badly injured and missed my hurdles competition this weekend.’
Cleo showed the headmistress the red mark on her shin. ‘I could be scarred for life.’
Mrs Moloney turned to Riley. ‘I’d like a word in private, please.’
Riley trailed after the headmistress while Zoë and Cleo grinned and mouthed, ‘You’re dead,’ at her.
Mrs Moloney said nothing until they got to her office. She closed the door and told Riley to sit down. The headmistress then handed her a glass of water.
‘Now, I understand that your family is having a terrible time. Your mother called me and asked me to keep an eye on you. I believe you’re very close to your aunt and this trauma is hard to bear. However, I cannot allow you to push and kick the other girls. You’ll have to find a different way to deal with your pain. If you need to talk to someone, my door is always open. If you’re having a bad day, come and speak to me or any of the teachers. They’re all aware of the situation and will lend you an ear if you need it. I’m not going to punish you this time, but I must ask you to hold your temper, Riley. I can’t have you injuring the girls. Zoë is a sports star. Injury could be detrimental to her career and she has brought such glory to the school.’
Riley thought, briefly, about trying to explain the situation and defend herself, but there was no point. She nodded, said it would never happen again and left as quickly as she could. She was in such a hurry to get away from the office that she bumped straight into Zach.
‘Hey, I was looking for you. I heard you’d been hauled into Mrs Moloney’s office for attacking Zoë and Cleo.’
Riley looked into his blue, blue eyes and willed him not to say the wrong thing. Do not say, ‘Why did you do it?’ Do not say, ‘You need to control your temper.’ Do not say, ‘That was out of order.’
‘I bet Zoë was giving you a hard time,’ he said. ‘She went mental yesterday when I broke up with her. Like, totally fricking mad. I saw a whole other side to her. I’m sorry if she was a bitch.’
Riley reached over and kissed Zach, in the corridor, outside the principal’s office. She didn’t care who saw. She loved him and she wanted to show it.
‘Well, I guess you’re OK.’ Zach grinned.
‘I’m better than that. I feel happy for the first time in ages.’
Zach took her hand. ‘Your place or mine?’
‘Let’s go to mine.’
As they were leaving school, Riley saw Izzy walking out with Adam. She let go of Zach’s hand and ran over to them. ‘Izzy,’ she called.
Izzy turned and ran towards her, but Adam grabbed her and pulled her back. Riley marched forward.
‘Hey, gorgeous girl, are you excited about Sunday? Only two days to go.’ Riley ignored Adam.
Izzy wrenched her hand free and threw her arms around Riley. ‘Yes! I’m very excited and I want you to do my hair if Mummy hasn’t woken up.’
‘Of course I will. You can tell me exactly how you want it done.’
‘Izzy!’ Adam barked. ‘Come on.’
‘Hi, Adam.’ Riley glared at him.
‘Hi.’ Adam barely looked at Riley. ‘Izzy, we need to go.’
‘So what time will I call over on Sunday? Nine? I’ll need about an hour to do Izzy’s hair and get her ready.’
‘Me and Rob will do Izzy’s hair,’ Adam said.
Riley snorted. ‘Yeah, right. She’ll look a state.’
‘We’re fine, Riley. We don’t need anyone’s help.’
‘But, Daddy, I want Riley to do my hair,’ Izzy said.
‘Uhm, Izzy, can you go and talk to my friend Zach? He’s just over there. I want to talk to your dad for a minute.’
Izzy shrugged and went to Zach, who bent down to talk to her.
Riley rounded on Adam. ‘Why are you trying to keep Izzy away from us? Keeping her away from us is just punishing her. We love her, we’re her family.’
‘I don’t want any of you near her or me right now. I just need some space. You’re all trying to force me to give up on Sarah and my son, but I won’t.’
‘I don’t care what you do – ultimately, it’s your decision, even if I think it’s wrong. All I care about right now is Izzy. She’s lost her mum and now you’re trying to take her whole family away. Are you mad? She needs us more than ever. We’re not going to say anything to her about Sarah or the baby or any of it. All we want to do is make her happy.’
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