by Lisa Shelby
“Scared of leaving you, yes. Scared I may never breathe again if I don’t know that you’re out there waiting for me, yes. Scared that you haven’t given me your last name or your phone number on purpose so that I can’t find you after tomorrow. Hell yes. I am scared shitless right now.”
Shit, he noticed that I hadn’t given him my information. There is no getting anything over on this man.
“That’s not what I meant. Are you scared to leave for Afghanistan?”
“I know that’s not what you meant.”
“Are you going to answer my question? I don’t know how you couldn’t be scared.”
“Honestly, we’re well trained and damn good at what we do. I’m more worried about the men that are going to be by my side. I’m their squad leader and their lives are in my hands. I know much of what happens over there isn’t in our control, but I still take my role very seriously and vow to get each and every one of my Marines back home alive and well after this tour.”
“I’m scared for you, Georgia. I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to you. I need to know you’re out there; that this love and goodness that I’ve found in you is always out there somewhere in the universe. You’ve done something to me that I can’t explain. You filled the piece of my soul that I never knew was empty, and I need to know you’re out there living and happy if I am going to keep breathing. I need you to stay safe over there. I need you in this world.”
The tears slowly run down my face and on to his chest after releasing the emotion that’s been bottled up inside me all day.
“I love you, Gracie.”
“I love you too, Georgia.”
“Then why won’t you wait for me? What is so bad that you can’t be with me? Are you sick? Are you dying? What the hell is going on? If your life is a mess, let it be my mess too. You don’t have to do whatever this is alone. I know, you aren’t alone. You have Cami and your friends and family. But what about a partner? I would rather be in your mess of a life than not in your life at all!”
Still tucked into his side, I exhale a deep breath. “I don’t want to be the person that throws a monkey wrench into your life. You need to stay focused on you and your boys while you’re away and you don’t need my problems to distract you. I come with a lot of baggage. Right now my baggage is a hot mess with no sign of improving on the horizon. You have enough to deal with just being over there in a war zone, fighting for your country.” I lift my head so that I can look him in the eyes while I say, “Listen, I know how selfish it is of me to tell you that I love you, but that I can’t be with you…but I do love you and don’t ever want you to think that I don’t want this. I never knew that I could feel this way or want to be in a relationship like I do when I am with you, but with my life a complete mess and you still having a year left in the Marine Corps, I just think our timing is all wrong. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.”
“Do you believe in fate?”
“I don’t really know. Part of me wants to say no, but I know there was a reason that I met you last Saturday.”
“Well, I do and I know we’ll be together again one day. I don’t know how or when but I refuse to believe that fate would bring us together just to tear us apart. I know I’ll see you again, Gracie. I refuse to believe that this could be goodbye.”
“Jonathan, please don’t do this. Let’s just spend the rest of the night like this and not think about it.”
I throw my naked leg over him and try to push myself into him until we melt into one. I hate that I know that this is hurting him. I want to remind him that from the beginning I told him it would never be more than this week, but that would be cruel. Things between us are not what I thought they would be. But that isn’t really true because I knew the first time he touched me that this was different; that there was something extraordinary between us. I tried to tell myself all week that I could do this. Now that the end is upon us I’m not quite sure how I plan to walk away.
“How do I not think about it?” he growls. He’s angry and I understand where he’s coming from, but I feel like I’m saving him from a life he never wanted or asked for. If he’s right and we do see each other again and I tell him he’ll thank me for not agreeing to wait for him.
“Let me try to take your mind off of it.” I say as I climb on top of him.
He doesn’t stop me.
I take this opportunity to show him how sorry I am…the only way I know how.
We don’t sleep.
We don’t talk.
We just touch.
We finally get out of bed around ten o’clock and shower together in silence. As the water cascades around us we kiss for what seems like hours and hold each other close.
We pack our things and as I walk out of the bedroom, I look at the mess of white sheets and blankets. It looks like some sort of storm hit it. I know that I will never forget this place, this room, this bed or this man for as long as I live. I feel like this week with Jonathan has changed me and will help mold the woman I become when I go home.
We leave our cottage and climb into Scarlett one last time. The drive to the hotel is a silent one. When we reach the hotel, he turns off the car and just sits there.
With his forehead on the steering wheel he says. “Gracie, please don’t do this.”
I open my car door and he jumps to attention.
“No! Please do not get out of this car! Let me come around.”
He jumps out of the car and is to my door in seconds. He helps me out, then grabs my hands and rubs the top of mine with his thumbs.
“Baby, don’t do this. Please just give me your phone number. We can just text or call, no obligations. You can be like a pen pal while I’m gone. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give, just promise me this isn’t the end.”
“I can’t.” I whisper, as the tears start streaming down my face.
“Yes, you can.” He pleads.
This is breaking my heart. Watching him begging for any little piece of me that I am willing to give is more than I can handle. I want to think of him as my big tough Marine, and not this mess I’ve made him today. He deserves so much better than what I’m giving him in this moment.
I reach my hand into the jeep to grab my bags and I can feel the panic that’s radiating from him in the air.
The tears that were hiding behind his sunglasses fall down his face. He lifts his glasses to sit on top of his head and wipes his face roughly with his hands.
“Don’t do this,” he whispers on a shaky breath.
I lift up on my toes and kiss him on the lips, the most perfect lips that I will ever kiss, now covered in the bittersweet salt of his tears.
“I love you, Georgia.”
And with that I turn and walk through the front doors of the hotel, into the elevator, onto our floor and into our room. As soon as the door closes I fall to the ground in a heap of despair and break down.
I am so sorry, Jonathan, I hope you forgive me one day.
Chapter 9
Jonathan 2015
Another Saturday night.
Another night of drinking at Kells.
Another night of Courtney hanging off me even when I don’t act interested.
I don’t really know why I came out tonight because I’m just not feeling it. I usually love this place. Kells Irish Pub is our home away from home and I’ve spent many a night and many dollars in this place. This is the place that all of us cops go for special occasions; promotions, birthdays, retirements and the occasional wake.
I’m in a funk. If Mick hadn’t let Devon know everybody was meeting up tonight, I’m sure I would be at home getting drunk alone. Instead, I’m here where it costs three times as much more to get to that same place. A place I seem to be seeking out a little more than I should these days.
I know that Devon can tell that I’m not in a good place. It was his idea for me to move here to Portland after our time in the Corps was over. He knew that staying in Georgia wasn’t a good idea for me and
persuaded me to move here. I crashed with him until I was able to find my own place and he and Gabby are now a constant in my life. My family. They came by tonight and picked me up and made me come out with them. They didn’t really give me a choice.
Now, here I am standing at the back of the bar with Courtney attached to me and no sign of her letting go. If she would just step away for two minutes I would be out of here.
It’s my own fault and I know that. I had been warned about her. She’s what we call a Badge Bunny. She only dates cops and she’s slowly but surely making her way through the single, and not so single, guys in the department. I, in a drunken stupor, not once…but twice fell into her vagina at the end of two hazy nights here at Kells. Don’t ask me why because I cannot stand her. She is the opposite of everything I like in a woman. Fake tan, fake tits, fake hair, fake nails, fake eyelashes and her personality is just as fake as the rest of her. She actually kind of repulses me but somehow she always seems to find me. She doesn’t have my number and I have never asked for hers, but if I’m out…anywhere in this damn city…I swear to Jesus that woman is in the same place at the same time. It’s getting really old.
I finally decide I’ve had enough and tell her that I’m gonna call it a night. Her response doesn’t surprise me at all when she says, “Okay, let me just go tell my girlfriend we’re leaving and I’ll be ready to go.”
“No, Courtney, I’m going home alone.”
She looks confused.
“I’ve told you before Court, what happened before between the two of us was a mistake, a drunken mistake. Both. Times. I am not looking for anything from you and never will. I don’t mean to sound like such a dick, but I don’t want to lead you on.”
Oh, that felt good. I know I sounded like an asshole, but my ability to give two shits has galloped off into the sunset along with my ability to give a fuck! I just want to find D and Gabby and let them know that I’m taking off. I find Devon standing at the bar talking with Mick and some of the other guys.
Just as I put my hand on D’s shoulder to update him of my departure I feel something electric in the air and my head swivels to the door of the bar. In what feels like an out of body experience I see a girl who looks just like my Gracie. It’s as though all the air has been sucked out of the room as I see her laughing and talking to somebody over her shoulder. Her hair is down and she has on a black sleeveless top that ties behind her neck. Not only is her hair down, but she has big curls in it that I don’t remember seeing before. She is so beautiful. This can’t be real, can it?
It’s been over five years and I am still dreaming about the girl who broke my heart. I need to get a fucking grip. Maybe I should go to a therapist after all. It would get Devon, Liam and Fiona off my back. Until this moment I thought I was doing okay, but I guess if I’m imagining her appearing in bars while I’m out and about in public…then maybe I do need some help.
Just when I think I’ve lost it I see Cami is the person she’s laughing with as she comes up behind her along with another woman. I feel my knees nearly buckle and thank God my hand is on Devon’s shoulder because that is the only thing holding me up right now. This cannot be happening.
“J, what is it? You okay, man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
When I don’t answer Devon follows my line of sight and I hear “fuck” come out from under his breath, but I’m so mesmerized by the sight of her smiling face walking into this bar…my bar…that I don’t hear anything else at all.
Walking through the bar she makes a beeline for Mick and jumps into his arms. He picks her up in a giant bear hug and then sets her on her feet. When he puts her down, their backs are to me and I watch as he leaves his arm around her shoulder and she puts her arm around his waist as he introduces her to people.
Mick?! Mickey fucking Jacobs?! He is such a man whore! Why the fuck is she with this asshole? I mean I know women say he’s hot and he is a great cop and a good friend, but women are disposable to him. You have got to be fucking kidding me! I feel rage start to course through my body. I cannot believe my Gracie would be with somebody like him. What the fuck did I ever do to the universe to deserve this shit? I haven’t been able to find anybody since she decided I wasn’t worth the wait or the trust to share her problems with, and now here she is with this fuck wad!
Devon can feel me simmering next to him. Now his hand is on my shoulder as he says, “Dude, calm down. You don’t want her to see you freaking out do you? You look like you’re about to blow a gasket.”
“Fucking Mickey, Devon? Anybody but Mick, his blond, pretty boy ass, will just use her and then throw her to the curb.”
Just as I say this Mick and Emily turn around and Mick heads straight for me. The minute she sees me and our eyes lock I see her gasp and she brings her hand over her mouth. Two more steps and she’s standing right in front of me.
“Kelly, McCoy, I want you to meet my little sis! She just moved back home from California and…” he’s distracted by somebody calling his name and says, “Sorry, Emmers, be right back.”
Sister, he just said sister, right? Oh thank Christ! I feel myself take a breath for the first time in what feels like several minutes.
While I stand there like an idiot, Devon helps out and jumps in and gives her a hug. I hear him say, “PDX, it’s really good to see you.”
“It’s good to see you too, Devon.” She says to him and I can hear a quiver to her voice while her shimmering eyes are locked on my mine.
He releases her and we lose eye contact.
“This is my girlfriend, Gabrielle, remember you guys talked that day in San Clemente?”
“Oh my goodness, this is Emily! The Emily!” Gabby says as she realizes who Devon is talking to. She gives her a hug and says, “It’s so nice to finally meet you.”
“Same here.”
Those crystal blue eyes that haunt my dreams turn back to me. We just stare at each other for a beat. Then she whispers so that I can barely hear her, “Georgia…”
“Gracie...”
When I call her by the name that means so much to both of us, I see her eyes well up with tears and I can’t take it. I take a step forward and pull her into a hug.
Bam!
There it is. Nothing has changed.
As I hug her that smell of vanilla and coconut from years ago hits me with full force and I am taken back in time.
“Good to see you.” I say coldly and step away from her.
“Good to see you, too.”
Mick returns completely oblivious and drags her away saying Riley, the bartender, is dying to see her.
Her eyes linger on mine as she turns to walk away and then my favorite shade of blue is gone again. I watch as she walks towards Riley, who comes out from behind the bar (something I’ve never seen him do) and he gives her a kiss on the cheek and a hug. My blood starts to boil.
Devon grabs me by the shoulders and turns me away from my view of her.
“Talk to me, J. You okay? You look pissed. You want me to take you home? Gabby and I can leave whenever you’re ready. Just say the word.”
Not answering any of his questions I turn around and she’s still talking to Riley. Does she know every guy in this fucking place? I feel myself getting that feeling that I’ve felt too many times since the day she said good bye to me. It’s not a good feeling and it makes me feel like I am losing control just like I did that day.
I must sit in that jeep for twenty minutes before finally starting the engine. I just can’t believe she’s done this to me. I know she said she would, but I just couldn’t believe she actually did it after everything. I don’t beg for anything and I was just begging for her phone number and she wouldn’t even give me that. What the fuck was so wrong with me that she couldn’t even give me her number or even her God! Damned! Last! Fucking! Name!
I feel an anger come over me that I have never felt before. I flip a bitch in the middle of the road and head back to base. The thirty-minute drive takes me twenty as I sp
eed through traffic. Thank God it’s a holiday and there aren’t a lot of cars on the road. When I get back to our room Matt is the only one there. He tries to ask me what’s wrong, but I cannot be spoken to at this moment, and God help the person that gets in my way. I am on a fucking war path right now as I pace back and forth in our tiny room. Finally needing to do something to release some of my anger I pick up the small desk chair next to me and yell “FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!” at the top of my lungs as I slam the chair into the ground and the wheels on the bottom bust off. Then I pick the chair up and throw it across the room.
“Dude, talk to me! What the hell happened? What can I do?” Matt yells, but his voice sounds far away because the rage pounding in my head is drowning him out.
I turn to Matt who is mere inches from me and yell right in his face. “There is nothing you can do for me Matt! Not a God damned thing that anybody can do for me. Just leave me the fuck alone!”
If I had been in any other frame of mind, the look on Matt’s face would have been enough to snap me out of my funk and beg for his forgiveness. But all I see is red, and I just keep throwing things and destroying our room in a rage like I have never experienced. It’s a good thing we were pretty much packed to leave, and there isn’t too much available for me to throw. I am out of control and Matt takes it all. He just stood in the corner and waited for me to finish my tantrum. At some point I slide my way down the wall and just sit on the ground with my back against it, heaving like a wild animal. Matt does the same and slides down the wall next to me and just sits there with me for I don’t even know how long.
“She didn’t even give us a chance, Matt. She said she loves me but she won’t even try! What the fuck is so wrong with me that she can’t even try?” I plead to him like he has the answers.
“Man, I am so sorry.”
This is all he says. It’s all he needs to say and thank God Matt was there. Who knows how far off the rails I would have gone. He’s always the one who keeps me in check and is the calm, reliable one of the three of us. He’s like the dad of our crew, and I know I don’t need to worry about him telling anybody what just took place here in our room. Thank God Matt was here.