by Lisa Shelby
We sit in silence for what seems like forever, but I can tell that he’s working his way up to talk about something. By the way he’s rubbing circles on the back of my hand, and the fact that the pace has picked up, he almost seems panicked. I can tell this isn’t going to be an easy conversation, so I give his hand a squeeze, and he starts to speak.
“We lost Matt about three months into our tour in Afghanistan.”
He takes a second to collect himself. I take the time as well. I know he doesn’t ever talk about what happened with Matt to anybody, not even Devon. This is a big deal for him. I just wait and let him know that I’m here for him by putting my hand on top of his. I lightly rub my fingers back and forth over the back of his hand to try and help calm him. Eventually he’s ready, and starts again with his voice low.
“We lost Matt about three months into our tour in Afghanistan. We were on a mission in the Helmund Province when we were attacked. We got out of our Humvee and within our first few steps away from our vehicles, we were under fire. The first shot that we heard hit Matt, and he was gone instantly. He was standing two feet in front of me, and I watched him take the hit and then fall to the ground. I had grabbed him before he hit the ground and I pulled him back to the Humvee, but he was already gone. His damn helmet was too big. He hated to tighten it too tight, so it was tipped back and he was shot right here.” He points to the low part of the center of his forehead while looking out the windshield. “I see that moment in my day dreams and in my nightmares. It’s always with me.”
I have no idea what to say to that so I just say, “It wasn’t your fault, Jonathan.”
Still looking straight ahead out the windshield he replies to my useless comment.
“But it was, Em. I was his squad leader and I led him into harm’s way. I know that I was just following orders, but I had a bad feeling that day. I should have listened to my gut and done things differently, and maybe he would still be here driving Scarlett instead of me. You know when his parents were in California visiting him that week, he had written them a letter in case anything happened to him. And in that fucking letter he said that he wanted me to have Scarlett. Can you believe that shit? He left me his pride and joy. This is the first time I’ve had her out of my garage. It was just too hard before.”
He finally brings his shining eyes to mine and says, “My mom, Em…”
I reach up and cup his cheek in my hand and rub my thumb back and forth to try to soothe him. I don’t know what else to do. I just want to take away his pain. To think I was part of his pain during the toughest part of his life is almost too much for me to live with.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I wish I had been there for you. You went through so much. I wish I could take your pain away for you.”
He takes my hand from his face and holds it in his lap, and stares at me for what seems like an eternity. I hold his gaze, letting him know I’m here for him now, and I see him take a deep breath and then exhale. He opens his mouth to speak, but then he closes it as if he’s changed his mind.
“It’s okay Jonathan, you can tell me anything. If you want to tell me how shitty I was for not telling you the truth, and giving you a chance so that I could be there to help you through it all, then do it. I deserve it.”
He shakes his head and looks down at our hands in his lap. On a quiet breath he says, “You did get me through it. Just knowing you were out there somewhere, and that there was something as good as you still out in the world stopped me from giving up. I would lay awake at night and recount all of my memories of our time together. That would be the only way I could close my eyes without seeing the nightmare of Matt getting shot, and watching them lower my mom into the ground. I know it sounds crazy, but you did get me through all of it, and I think deep down I knew I would see you again. Knowing in my heart that I would see you again was what kept me from going further into the hole I was in. I always told myself to think about accidentally running into you one day, and how much of a mess would I want you to see me in. I’m functioning because of the hope I had of seeing you again.”
I’m stunned silent at his confession. He lifts his head and his eyes connect with mine again. He brings our interlaced hands up and kisses the back of mine before setting it back down.
“You know if it wasn’t for my mom, I wouldn’t have met you,” he confesses with a half-hearted smile.
“What?” I ask confused.
“Yep, my mom knew she was sick when I went home that week before I met you. She was starting her chemo and didn’t want me there or to know that she was sick. She told me she wanted me to go back to Cali with the guys and to have fun for her since she had to go back to work. She changed my flight without telling me, and acted like it was a gift she was giving me. I was so mad when I found out that she already knew, and that I was there with her and she never told me. She sent me away instead of letting me be there to help take care of her, like I should have. I had so much fucking anger and resentment towards her, until Liam pointed out that she didn’t just send me away, but she sent me to you. That’s how I was able to forgive her. I’m not saying that if I had known I was going to meet you, I still wouldn’t have picked staying home with my mom to take care of her, but I wasn’t given the chance to pick. My mom chose for me.”
“Jonathan…”
“No, let me finish. I’m not angry anymore because I figured something out. All my mom wanted was for me to be happy. She got to talk to me more than once that week that I was with you. She got to hear me happier than I had ever been. You and me, baby, we brought her happiness that week. I never did tell her that we weren’t going to try the long distance thing because she was so happy that I had found ‘the one’. I wasn’t ready to burst her bubble, so I let her think we were still talking when I left.”
I start to speak but he stops me by bringing his finger to my lips.
“See, Em, I didn’t tell her because I didn’t want her to hurt for me, and she didn’t tell me she was sick for the same reason. She didn’t want me to go fight for my country with the worry of her being sick on my mind. She knew it would overwhelm my every thought, and that would be dangerous. She knew me well enough to know that she was keeping me safe by not telling me. Do I wish I could have said goodbye, or that I would have done things differently while I was home for that last week? Of course. But as much as I try to tell myself that I should have been there for her, or that it wasn’t my fault that Matt died, I still feel like I let two of the people I cared about the most down.”
He’s silent long enough for me to know that he’s done sharing.
Squeezing his hand, I say, “Thank you for sharing all of this with me, Jonathan. You have no idea how much it means to me that you would trust me enough to share your story with me. I hope you know I am always here for you if you ever want to talk about anything. You don’t have to keep any of it from me.”
“Thanks, baby.” I can feel his hand start to shake in mine. “It’s been really hard because when it comes to Matt, I know that I have Devon to talk to, but I can’t help but feel that I let him down that day too, and I think I am afraid of what he’ll say if I ever do bring it up. Then when I’m around the Fanuas and my mom comes up…well, I feel guilt around them as well. They took care of her in my absence. Fiona never left her side at the end. It should have been me, and I can’t help but feel that they feel the same way.”
“Jonathan, I know for a fact that Devon doesn’t blame you, and I’m sure that your mom had explained to Fiona that she hadn’t told you. They knew that you would have been there had you known or had been able to be. You have to give yourself a break, baby. Nobody blames you but yourself, and you need to let that go. Try to forgive yourself. You’re a good man, and you don’t deserve the guilt you’re putting on yourself.”
A lone tear escapes and runs down his face. It’s more than I can stand so I crawl into his lap and hold him while he comes to terms with the fact that it isn’t all his fault. That he is, in fact, a good man. We’
re in quite a tight space, and it’s not comfortable in any way to be jammed in between the sterling wheel and this beautiful man, but it’s worth it to give him what he needs right now.
I whisper into his hair. “I hope you know how lucky they were to have you in their lives. Just knowing you made them better people, and I know this is true because you made me a better person in only a week’s time. Imagine what they got from you in the years they had with you. You are beautiful inside and out, Georgia. Don’t you ever forget that.”
He doesn’t speak he just squeezes me even tighter to him, and we stay that way until he’s ready. He can take as long as he needs. He deserves it.
The sky is now darkening and we’re headed in the direction of home. I’m confused when he doesn’t turn to go towards Mick’s neighborhood, but drives out a little further to a less congested area of Happy Valley. He turns down a road that leads to a beautiful home on what looks to be several acres.
“Where are we?”
He replies by leaning in front of me to open the glove box, pulling out a garage door opener and pressing the button to open the garage. It’s then that I see his truck parked on the side of the house. He’s brought me to his home. In an instant, I am flooded with emotions. It’s a feeling of excitement, fear and calm all at once. I’m so excited to be in his space and see where he lives, yet afraid that I’m still not as ready for all of this as he is. The feeling of calm is stronger than the fear though, because in the back of my mind I know I’m going to give him the more that he wants. How one person can have all of these emotions at once is beyond me, but it is possible because it’s happening to me right now. Maybe I’m losing my mind? If I am going crazy, this is the best possible way to go that I can imagine.
He parks Scarlett in the empty side of the garage, and I notice that the other side is full of moving boxes.
“I thought you’d been here a couple of years. Have you not finished unpacking yet?”
“Those are from my mom’s place. Still not ready to go through it all, but I will soon,” he answers with a shrug.
He walks me through the house and explains that he had spent his years in the Marine Corps saving his money so that he would have a down payment to buy his mom a house. They had always rented apartments and he’d always dreamed of buying her a home. It turns out that all of his life, well after his dad died, his mother had been making small monthly payments to a life insurance plan. She wanted to know that when she passed, he was left enough money to take care of himself, and with her policy she did just that. With her life insurance he was able to pay for his house in cash and tuck all his savings from his years in the military away.
“I would rather have my mom with me, but it feels good to have had the opportunity to be in this kind of a place financially so early on in my career. I owe all of this to my mom.”
I wrap my arms around him and tuck myself into his side. I make sure he knows that his mom knows just how well he has done.
“Jonathan, you have to know how proud she is of you. She knows how great you’ve done and she’s proud. I know she is.”
He kisses me on the temple and says, “Thank you, baby.”
His house is large but all one level. He has a gourmet kitchen that is right out of a magazine. There’s a huge island and room for several bodies in the kitchen together at once. This is the perfect kitchen for entertaining. The kitchen faces a great room that has a wall of floor to ceiling windows that he says have a great view of Mt. Hood. It’s too dark right now to see anything past the amazing deck—with a built in fire pit that the back lights are shining on. This place is amazing. There is a butler pantry in the kitchen that leads to the formal dining room and living room. These two rooms are empty, and it’s clear he hasn’t had a reason to furnish them just yet. We pass back through the kitchen and past the front entry, that has a coat closet as well as a half bath, and head down a wide hallway.
Everything about the craftsmanship of this house is perfect. The wainscoting and dark wood floors are all of the best quality. It’s clear he had this built exactly as he had envisioned it. It’s perfect.
Down the hallway there are three doors on each side as well as one with French doors at the end of the hall. The first door on the right side of the hall is the laundry room. It. Is. Amazing. My mouth hangs open in awe at how perfect this room is. It’s a dream laundry room with new front loading appliances, tons of beautiful cabinets and a huge country style sink. He just gives me a little chuckle when I tell him I could live in this room.
Across from the laundry room is an empty spare bedroom as is the door next to that one but they are connected by a Jack and Jill bathroom. The second door on the right is a beautifully designed bathroom and the room next to that houses what he says is his “office”. It does have a desk with stacks of paper all over it, as well as other random things shoved here and there. This looks more like a catch all to me, but the desk does give the illusion of an office.
Next to the Jack and Jill bedrooms is another empty room that currently just has exercise equipment in it and isn’t being used as a bedroom. At the end of the hallway is the set of French doors that lead to the master bedroom.
This room is more Jonathan than any other in the house. The room is huge with a fireplace at one end of the room, and a huge king sized bed with a dark brown leather headboard at the other end. All of the furnishings are dark wood and the bedding is a simple beige. Under the window, there’s a dog bed for Frances. I have a feeling she sleeps on the bed with him more than she does on her bed on the floor though. She seems spoiled to say the least. The space is very manly, but also beautiful…very Jonathan.
Since we walked through the French doors of the master bedroom he hasn’t spoken. He walked into the room, turned on the fireplace and then just one low lit lamp. Next he plays with his phone and Kings of Leon starts quietly playing out of the little speaker on his dresser. He walks me through to the massive master bathroom that has a shower for two as well as a huge soaking tub. This house is what dreams are made of and I tell him so. It’s big, but not too big, and so well made and well thought out. It’s perfect…just like Jonathan.
Now that my tour is done, he walks me back to the bedroom and we stand next to the bed. He takes me in his arms and as our album plays we silently dance in the dark. We may not be on the beach, but we have the fireplace to set the mood. He really hasn’t missed a thing. The song ends and without speaking, he slowly undresses me, then himself, and we spend the next few hours making the sweetest love I have ever known. This night has been pure bliss.
I lay on my side next to him with one hand holding my head up as my other swirls over his new tattoos. Over his heart in small, intricate, cursive writing is his mom’s name, Caroline. Over on the bicep not already covered in his family crest, he now has a memorial to Matt. It is beautiful, yet somber. It’s a picture of a pair of a Marines boots with a rifle leaning against them and a helmet balanced on the top of it. There are also dog tags hanging down the rifle. It’s such a nice memorial, but heartbreaking at the same time.
Jonathan breaks the silence and finally communicates what this day was all about to him.
“Baby, I am going to ask you the same thing I did a little over five years ago. Do you want to make this work? You and Me? And yes, I know that means Ireland is a part of this, too. To me she is just an added bonus to an already perfect package. It doesn’t scare me away, Emily, not in the least. I’m putting it out there again and leaving it up to you. I want more, Gracie.”
Of course I want him, but it doesn’t seem like it can be that easy, can it? The fact that the one and only man I have ever loved has walked back into my life, and is offering himself up to me again just, seems too easy. Besides that, how will I put myself back together again when he leaves?
As if reading my mind, he speaks again after my silence doesn’t give him the answer he’s looking for.
“Gracie, I know you have been hurt and let down by men in your past, but
baby, I’m not them. I know you watched your dad cheat on your mom, and then uproot your family by leaving, and it turned your world upside down. I can’t imagine how hard it was to watch him pick a new family over you, Mick and your mom. I know watching your mom’s heart break had to be unbearable, but baby, I’m not him. I’m also not that asshole that is missing out on a life with the most perfect little girl I have ever met. It’s his loss, and please don’t get me started on him because if I do I just may punch my fist through a wall, and I really like my walls just the way they are.”
I can’t help but chuckle at his last statement and to be honest, I agree with him, I like his walls just the way they are too.
There is only one concern he hasn’t addressed.
“What about Mick? He’s gonna kill you when he finds out that he asked you to watch over me and we’ve been having ‘sleep overs’ every night.”
“You let me worry about Mick. Besides, I think he cares about your happiness more than anything else, and I have no problem proving to him that I can make you and Ireland happy.” He pushes a stray hair behind my ear and searches my face for answers. He brings his pleading eyes back to mine and it’s obvious he’s scared to ask his next question. “Emily, is Mick really your problem or is that just an excuse you’re telling yourself because you’re too scared to say yes?”
I nod my head to answer him and in a flash he’s on top of me. His dimples are out in full force as he gently lays on me without putting all his weight down. He closes his eyes, and his face gets serious as he takes some cleansing breathes and says, “I cannot believe I am going to do this, but you leave me no choice…brace yourself, baby.”
He messes with his phone, and one of my favorite JT songs begins to play. He brings his lips to mine and gives them a gentle kiss, but as soon as the lyrics begin he moves those amazing lips to my ear and starts to sing quietly. He sings about healing my heart, and for me to stop acting like falling in love with him would be such a bad thing. He tells me he wants all of my nights and my mornings too. He also promises not to fill my head with broken promises.