I can breathe new life into music that moments before did not exist and I can create a symphony in the dead of night when the rest of the world is fast asleep. I can do this, because for me, the darkness, the stillness, the silence, has always been a birthing place. Eloise taught me that. She taught me how to harness what works for me and not care about what worked for others. I grew up learning how to not fear the places within me that I could not understand, and I embraced this ominous enigma inside me and struck sharp rocks along the edges to test my own strength and to create sparks of light.
That’s what I had forgotten in all of this. I was strong, not even I was able to debate that. But sometimes even the strongest don’t want to have to put up a fight. I knew that’s what I’d have been doing if I allowed Maverick to open up our relationship to the world. But, as I sat in my old bedroom at my parent’s home, alone with my silence, I realized something else. Fighting Maverick is even worse than fighting them.
It’s the reason I came back in the wink of the night. I wasn’t sure if everyone had left, but I knew that the party would be over. If someone saw me now, it didn’t matter because I was okay with not hiding anymore.
Love shouldn’t be hidden. It should be shouted from the rooftop. And home shouldn’t be avoided just because, for a moment, it’s uncomfortable. So I headed back to Maverick, willing to take the beating of insults from his friends if they disagreed with my presence there. Ready to tell Maverick that I am ready and willing to tackle the world with him; to drop the secret and face the reality of our feelings where everyone can see. To kiss him when I want to and not when secrecy allows. To whisper sweet nothings in his ear while the entire world is watching. However, as I stand here, frozen, immobilized by the sight and sounds inside the bedroom before me, I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. A sudden overwhelming darkness overcomes me.
There is no life here.
My lungs seem to turn to stone inside my chest and I’m pretty sure my heart stops beating. Tears fall from my eyes without much input from me.
My throat feels burnt to a crisp and if I were to speak, I’m certain my windpipe would disintegrate into ash. But what would I say? I can form no words here in the darkness that continues to spread through me, overwhelming me, taking control of my emotions, searing the ends of each breath with a white hot rage that destroys everything in its wake until it reaches my fingertips. I feel them go limp before the cool plastic of the cake container slips dramatically from my fingers and crashes to the ground with an unceremonious thud.
I’d baked this cake for us. For us. To celebrate us. But there is no us in this room. Just them.
My eyes slip slowly from the scene before me and down to the floor where the cake has broken into mulch against the floor and the frosting starts to droop.
There’s no life inside this darkness.
Only destruction.
In the same way that there is no life inside this madness, this glass house I’ve climbed into.
Only deception.
I should have known better.
Gosh! I’m such a fucking moron. I allowed myself to get so sucked in by Maverick, of all people! My guards are so far down that I can’t even begin to think of how to pull them up. And my head. My head spins and it spins fast, a tornado turning on itself.
To think that somehow, I managed to believe he wasn’t an actual fucking bastard. That I actual believed in human decency, that something akin to love could exist in someone so empty. Now, there’s no mistaking that the creature before me is one without a heart. One without a soul. That evil is the only fucking thing that lurks inside of him.
A desperate sob climbs up my throat as my stomach tightens and my hands continue to shake.
The leggy blonde turns to look at me. A millisecond later, Maverick’s head whips around and I’m met eye to eye with his paper white stare. I will my legs to move as he pushes her away from him and jumps up to head over to me. By the grace of God, they don’t fail me. Without waiting for him to utter a word, I rush through the flat and out the door before he catches up to me.
I’m such a fucking idiot.
I tell myself that I deserve this. That I deserve all of it. Every inch of it. Every second of. Because only a fool would have fallen for him. Only a fool would have allowed him in the way I did.
“Close dammit,” I growl at the elevator doors as I push the button.
I can hear Maverick’s feet coming down the hall and the doors close just in time to stop him from getting in. He pulls his fists into a tight ball and bangs against the sealed doors.
The dam inside me bursts open and I sink back into the elevator, supported by the metal walls that have far more life vibrating within it that I currently do. A wail escapes me as I fall to my knees, clutching my chest, fighting desperately to catch a breath.
How could he do this to me?
How could he do this to us?
The doors ding open on the third floor and a woman starts to enter. “Get out!” I yell and she jumps back, completely startled by what I’m sure looks like a deranged maniac having a meltdown in the elevator. She can go screw herself. I don’t need any witnesses.
The second the doors open on the ground floor, I burst from the elevator and run for the lobby exit. I need to put miles of distance between myself and this god-forsaken place.
“Beth, wait!” Maverick’s voice cuts through the air. He’s on the other end of the room, still trying to lessen the distance between us. My legs are in control and they want to protect me…from him…from myself and so I run. I run fast. Faster than I’ve ever run in my life.
I sprint across the parking lot and onto the sidewalk. If the heaviness of Maverick’s footfalls is anything to go by, I know that he’s getting closer. That urges me to push even harder. To run even faster. But the further I run, the closer he gets and before long, he’s completely demolished the distance between us.
Icy fingers grip my elbow, spinning me around. He’s wearing a shirt now. Pants, too. But still, the image of him in nothing but his boxers, staring up at the half naked bitch is seared into my mind. It’s all I see. All I fucking see. Maverick’s face looks red from the exertion and I can see the tornado behind his eyes. He’s spinning out of control. Good for him!
“Let go of me!” I growl, wrenching my hand away from his. “Don’t you dare touch me! Don’t you fucking touch me.”
“Beth please, let me explain,” he starts to plead.
My heart is racing, pounding wildly against my chest and his face is just a blur to me behind the fog of my tears.
I need to get away from him. I need to leave now!
There’s nothing to explain. I may be stupid, but I’m certainly not fucking blind and if he doesn’t get away from me, I may very well shove him into oncoming traffic and not give half a fuck about what happens next.
“Get away from me you lying piece of shit.” My palms crash against his chest and I push hard. Maverick is as solid as a rock, and as determined as a fool. He’s caught my wrist in his hand and he’s pulling me against him, trying to wrap me in his arms. I fight him. I fight him like my life depends on it. I fight him like I should have fought him the very first time he came within an inch of my heart.
“Beth please, I swear. I swear it’s not what it looked like,” he says.
Did he really run all this way to delivery such a cheesy bullshit clichéd line? Just what kind of dimwit does he take me for?
The one who he was able to wrap around his fingers for the last few weeks, that’s what. The words are loud and clear as I hear my inner self-righteousness return to give me the “I told you so” speech. I should have listened. I guess that’ll be charted off as a lesson learned. If he looks like the devil, smiles like the devil, talks and walks and fucks like the devil, he probably is nothing less than the fucking devil.
“I said let me go!” I throw the words at him and launch my fists into his chest without reservation. I know I’m hurting him, but
it has to pale in comparison to the bullet I just took to my heart. I can feel myself bleeding out on the concrete pavement as I struggle to free myself from him in every way.
“No,” he growls. “She blindsided me and-”.
I hate him so much it hurts.
“Let me go, Maverick!”
“Not until you let me explain.”
“There’s nothing you have to say…there’s nothing you can possibly say to me that I want to hear. Nothing!”
“Baby please,” his voice sounds ragged, rough, desperate. I hate that a part of me wants to not believe the truth my eyes have seen and listen to the shakiness of his voice for proof that he actually cares about me.
When he pulls me into his arms again, my back tremors against his chest. I scream, cursing him to let me go. Begging him to let me go. Needing to be held, but not wanting to be held by him.
My tears continue to fall. I haven’t felt pain like this in a very long time and I hate that it’s Maverick that I let put me back in this place.
I shake my head, trying to free myself from his clutches, but he has me all wound up in every way imaginable.
“Nothing happened with her,” he growls and it’s like poking the embers of a dying fire.
My rage re-ignites and my elbow connects with his torso at so sharp an angle that I hear his breath hitch before he involuntarily lets me go. I spin around to glare at him, my mascara running down my cheeks in the streaks they’ll collect in ink bottles and use to write the tragedy of my life.
Christ! I’m such an idiot!
“I trusted you.” My voice breaks as I try to stay planted and upright on the sidewalk. “I fucking trusted you.”
“Beth-”
“Don’t!” I point my finger up to his face and I can see the weakness in me despite my scorching defiance.
Maverick’s jaw flexes and his eyes darken, but he doesn’t swat my hand away.
“You mean nothing to me,” I shout and he takes a slight step back as though I’ve thrown my words into his arms unexpectedly and they weigh a ton.
“You don’t mean that.” A look of something almost pitiful crosses his face and the darkness in me rushes out to wrap its tentacles around his neck and take him down with me.
“You mean nothing to me and I mean nothing to you. You fucked me and then you fucked me up. There’s nothing more to it than that.”
“Beth-”
“No you just shut the hell up okay? Just shut the hell up! You can free yourself from the burden that I must have been to you. The yolk around your neck. The wrecking ball crashing through your prissy flat walls. You can go back to being the soulless asshole I always thought you were and take your plastic bombshells with cruel intentions along with you.”
“Stop it!” he yells, taking a step towards me. Instinctively, I step back, recoiling at the mere thought of having those hands anywhere near me again.
“Don’t you fucking touch me. You’ll never touch me again. So leave, Maverick. Just leave. Leave. Leave. Leaaaaave!!!!”
“Bethany, please. Just give me a chance-”
“To do what?! To tell me that nothing happened? That I’m seeing things? To lie to me again?”
My arms are wrapped so tightly around myself I can almost reach inside myself and smooth my hand over the hard surface of my heart that has now cocooned to shield itself.
“I won’t let you lie to me again. You don’t-” My voice breaks and the fight leaves me slowly as my entire body threatens to shatter and join the gravel on the pavement. “I hate you,” I whisper and I hear his breath hitch before his face turns to stone.
He changes back into the Maverick I’ve always known, retreating from the scene of the devastation he has caused.
“I hate you,” I repeat and his lips disappear into a thin line.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I’ve never hated anything or anyone the way I fucking loathe you.”
“Stop.”
“You know what the worst part of all of this is? Or maybe the real karma behind all this bullshit? That girl up there, she’s the same bitch that broke your fucking skates.”
He goes quiet for a while and I turn to leave.
This time I hear no footsteps behind me.
This time he doesn’t chase me.
This time he lets me go.
And I run.
A full sprint… mindless dash…clean escape… leaving the lies behind me.
48
My hands fumble with the keys in my bag as I try to open the door to my parent’s house.
“Crap,” I groan as the keys fall and I bend to pick them up. Without my doing, the door creaks opens. Looking up, I’m met with my father’s knowing eyes.
“Oh honey,” he sighs, pulling me into our apartment and closing the door behind us. He walks us both over to the sofa and calls for my mother, who rushes to my side in a hurry.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” There’s concern etched in every crevice of her voice and it yanks at the bottom of the well dug into my eyes causing new tears to come flooding out again.
“Are you hurt?” my mother whispers, and I nod.
“Are you physically hurt?” she asks, and I shake my head.
After a few beats of silence my dad finally asks, “Did Maverick do something to hurt you?”
I can’t bring myself to nod. Another angry wail escapes me, and my parents lean in to hug me.
I should have never left this place. I was a downright loon to think that I could have survived being with Maverick.
I lied to my parents and quit my job for him and for what? To become the butt of another one of his jokes? To help him pull off the prank of the century?
Nothing that comes easily is worth having. From a distance I hear a voice say that I haven’t had an easy day the moment I agreed to be his wife, but I dismiss it.
I just need to feel the comfort and security of the people I love. People I can actually trust.
“Are you hungry?” Mom asks and I know she’s just trying to get me talking but I feel as though I’ve been run over by a train and I have nothing left in me. The adrenaline rush of the chase has long worn off and my limbs feel like they’ve been pumped full of lead.
“Take her to her room,” mom says quietly. My father doesn’t miss a beat. He helps me up and walks with me into the tiny space that is really and truly mine.
Within these walls I know there are no surprises waiting around the corner to attack me. Within these walls, I know that I am safe.
“There you go,” my father says.
I close my eyes and try to sleep, but my restless heart won’t grant me peace. I can hear the snickering, the whispers, the voices and the rumors. I can see is her.
The vixen who set the wheels in motion.
The hole in my chest keeps widening and I can feel my soul careening over into the precipice.
Why would he do this? Was Coach not clear about the no dating anyone else rule?
‘Technically the rule was to not be seen with anyone else. Nobody but you saw it.’
My rational brain shows up for the party and I want to douse her with a long sharp blast of fuck you, but the only thing getting doused tonight is my pillow with my tears.
Maverick should be faithful because he can’t bear to think of being with someone else. Not because coach says he only gets to be with me.
Chapter
Maverick
Selina is long gone when I stumble back to the flat with a half bottle of whiskey sloshing around in my hand.
When I open the door, the emptiness mirrors the cold hollowness I feel inside.
I’ve gotten to used to having Beth around all the time that even drunk, I can sense that things are different inside these walls.
She left me.
There are red cups sprawled through every inch of my condo and a battered cake covering the floor, preceded by footprints of frosting. I drift uncoordinatedly into the kitchen to stare at the emptiness sprawled
out ahead.
It’s so quiet.
So empty.
I suppose it was always like this before Beth showed up here. I hadn’t noticed it then. I was used to it then. Hell, maybe I even needed it because just like this room, I was empty on the inside.
‘When did you become such a fucking sap?’ The drunkard in me gags at the idea of honoring my emotions.
She did that to me. She taught me that my feelings are worth honoring.
Who knew?
I stand by the stove, cell phone in hand, staring down at her name. A sad smile creases my lips as my fingers dance over the letters. I’ve changed her name in my phone to wife on her request that I use something a little more incognito. To her, I remained ‘pain in the ass’. I feel like right now, I’m so much more than that.
I grip the phone tighter, fighting the dire need to call her, to explain, to tell her that nothing happened and what she saw is not what she saw. But I know Beth. She’s smart. Logical. If it quacks like a duck, she’s not going to pretend it’s a fucking elephant.
She’s also wrong about me. I want to tell her that too – how wrong she is about me. I want to tell her all the things I’ve never told her. All the things I’ve never told anyone.
I want her to help me to understand why my insides feel different and I’d like to fumble over my tongue as she helps me to put words to feelings roaring through me.
Yet as I stood on that sidewalk and listened to her reject me in words so plain and with points so sharp she dug holes into me, my own words Velcro themselves to the roof of my mouth and line the insides of my esophagus, making it difficult to even breathe.
The fruit bowl on the counter vibrates as I slam my fist into the marble, wishing I could use my head instead. Maybe then my skull wouldn’t be so thick.
‘Get yourself together, Williams. You were fine before you met her.’
I scoff at the thought as I drag my uncooperative feet into the living room and collapse into the sofa.
Vile Intentions: A Dark Sports Bully Romance Page 25