A Tale of Beauty

  “Sue! What a fantastic surprise!” She leaps forward and throws her arms around my neck, then takes my hand and pulls me into the apartment. “How are you? I’ve been trying to call you for days, but you never answered ...” She looks me over, and her face falls. “Why are you wearing those clothes?”

  “Nothing else was clean.”

  Her mouth twists like she just got a face full of lemon juice. “Alright,” she says, but I know that she’d just love to rip into me. “Come into the living room and sit down. Those shoes must be killing you.”

  “Nah, they’re fine.”

  “Well, you must be tired from the trip down at the very least.” Once I’ve picked a chair, Belle takes a few steps backward, toward the kitchen. “Can I get you something to drink? Water, tea, juice —”

  “No, thanks.” Before she can start talking again, I get straight to the point. “Why did you give Nick my keys?”

  Her mouth falls open, but I don’t know whether it’s the question or how directly I asked it. “You’ve spoken with him, then?”

  “Didn’t have much of a choice. What the hell were you thinking?”

  Belle rests her hand on the back of the couch. “Don’t speak to me that way. I was acting in your best interests.”

  “‘Best interests.’ Right. Did you seriously never realize how shitty a plan this was?” She doesn’t answer. “How did you even get a hold of him, anyway?”

  “I took his number from your cell phone when I came to visit you.” She’s choosing her words carefully, like she’s on trial or something.

  “So not only did you help someone break into my house, you were going through my things while I was in bed trying not to have a nervous breakdown?”

  “No, of course not!” Belle looks as horrified as I feel. “By the Goddess, Sue, you make it sound as though I were a ... vulture, digging through your personal property for juicy gossip.”

  “What were you doing, then? It’s not like you could just stumble into my cell phone contacts by accident.”

  Belle takes a deep breath. “I knew before I went over to your place that things weren’t going well for you, but when I saw you there, so miserable, so ... not yourself, I had to do something. Then I saw your phone, and I remembered what you’d said about Nick, and I thought how much it would help you to have closure on the whole mess with him. If only you saw him again, you would realize that you had done the right thing by ending it and be able to move on.” She looks me straight in the eye. “I won’t apologize for it, Sue.”

  I don’t say anything right away. There’s so much to say, and none of it seems right. “Didn’t you think,” I finally say, “that you might have been crossing a line? Or ten?”

  “I’m aware that it wasn’t much of a plan, but it was all I had.” Her voice gets softer. “You have no idea how worried I’ve been.”

  “Yeah, sure. So worried that you couldn’t stop to think about my feelings for a second.”

  Her jaw tenses. “I was working for the highest good, as I saw it. What would you have had me do? What would you have done if you found your Sister in such a state?”

  “I wouldn’t know. I’m an only child, remember?”

  “You know what I mean,” she snaps, but I can tell that she’s hurt. “There are more definitions of ‘family’ than simple blood relation.”

  “Maybe. But if this is how you treat your family, I’d hate to see what you do to your enemies.”

  She lowers herself onto the couch; her arm settles on the armrest, and her fingers dig into the front of it. “It’s clear that you’re upset,” she says, so calmly that it’s almost a monotone. “That wasn’t my intention, but what’s done is done. What more do you want from me?”

  I think it over for a second. “I want to know why. Just how did you think it would help me?”

  “I’ve told you, I meant for it to give you closure. And I believe that the results speak for themselves. Here you are, after all, out of bed, dressed, and more lucid than you’ve been in over a month.”

  “Closure. Right. I had closure, though. Not much more final than a break-up. And even if I didn’t, I would have gotten over him eventually. What were you so scared of, that I might get back together with him?”

  Belle stares at me, and her face gets a couple of shades paler. “Of course not. The very idea that you might want to tie yourself down to such a man is ridiculous.”

  “Hey, I could do a hell of a lot worse than someone who’ll drop everything and risk getting arrested just to try to help the woman who tossed his heart in the meat grinder.”

  “Oh, come now, Sue. Even if he hadn’t trespassed into your home, he’s vulgar and stupid, and that’s merely the tip of the iceberg.”

  “And he thought of trespassing all by himself, right?” She doesn’t say anything. “Yeah, he’s got faults. Who doesn’t?”

  Belle’s eyes narrow. “You’re considering it, aren’t you? What did he say to you?”

  “That’s really none of your business.”

  “Of course it’s my business!” She slams her fist down on the cushion beside her. Her face is flushed and twisted, and I barely recognize her. “You’re my Sister, Sue! You are my responsibility!”

  I just stare at her with my mouth open for a minute. Then I stand up and look down at her. “You don’t own me,” I tell her.

  “Of course not.” She’s more afraid than angry now. “Sue, please, sit down. I didn’t mean that the way it came out.”

  “Bullshit. You meant it exactly the way it came out.” I pick up my purse. “You think you have any say in how I live my life? Because you don’t.”

  “I refuse to let you throw it away.” Her voice is shaky. “Please, Sue. I’m your friend; I care about you.”

  “I got no idea what you care about, but it sure as hell isn’t me. You are nine kinds of fucked up, Belle.” I march toward the door.

  “Sue!” she calls after me. I don’t look back.

  Belle

  SHE’S COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD me. If she hadn’t, she would have nothing to be upset about. These are my first coherent thoughts after Sue’s abrupt departure. For the first time, I wonder if getting Nick involved was a mistake, but there’s nothing is to be gained by second-guessing myself. As Gertrude often said, what’s done is done.

  I call Sue. It goes straight to voice mail. She wouldn’t answer it anyway. She doesn’t want to talk to me. She doesn’t understand.

  Denise. I call her. Again, voice mail. Of course, she’s at work.

  Diana, then? By the Goddess, what would she say if I told her about this? She’d take it as proof she was right, and she wasn’t right, she can’t have been right ...

  Chastity. She might understand. She’ll listen, at least. It rings six, seven times. Come on. Pick up!

  “Hello?” she says. There’s a loud clattering in the background.

  “Hello, Chastity.” I work to keep my voice level.

  “Oh, hi, Belle.” Another loud noise in the background, followed by a door closing, then silence.

  “Am I calling at a bad time?”

  “Oh, no. Well ... not exactly.” I can almost see her twirling her hair around her finger. “I’m here at the mission, and we’re understaffed, and two of the other volunteers are having an argument, and ...” She pauses. “Could I call you back a bit later, once this mess has died down a bit?”

  No. Make time now. I’m your Sister; I need you. Let the fools kill each other; let the vagrants starve. I take two deep breaths, and force myself to say: “Alright. Please call me back as soon as you can.” She will call back. I know she’ll call back.

  After waiting for ten minutes, I get up and return to my room, where I kneel before Gertrude’s shrine.

  “What did I do wrong?” I ask. “Sue is so upset, but of course you know that, you must have seen it ... you know everything.” I rest my hands on the edge of the altar, and try to relax as much as I can. The Peace of the Ancestors, Gertrude once told me. Ask the Ances
tors to be with you, and share the peace that they’ve found on the other side of the Veil. Even at the best of times, though, I’ve never been good at that.

  “I did my best,” I say. “I did what I thought was right. I only wanted to help her. Even if I was wrong to do so, which I was not, she should appreciate that.” My throat gets tight, but I won’t let myself cry. Not over this. Not in front of Gertrude. “I’m trying so hard. I’m doing my best to take care of them, to teach them, to protect them.” My hands clench into fists. “I made a promise. They can’t fall like Emily did. I won’t let them fall. But what can I do if they won’t let me help them?” I look directly at her. “Tell me what to do, Gertrude. Tell me what I need to do.”

  I wait for a long time, long enough for my legs to start cramping, but no answer comes. Be patient, she always told me. The spirits answer in their own time, and they do not like being pressed. Eventually, though, I can’t stop myself from whispering, “Gertrude?” It makes no difference, except that now I’m terrified that my impatience has driven her away. “Gertrude, please answer me.” Still, there is no reply.

  It’s the invocation, I tell myself as I rise. I didn’t call her properly; I didn’t open the gates, so of course she’s not here. She’d certainly have given me a sign if she were. I go toward the drawer where I keep the incense, but stop with the bundle of sticks in my hand. Never do magic when you’re upset, Isabella, I can hear Gertrude saying, and though my desire to speak with her very nearly makes it impossible, I put the incense back into the drawer and force myself to leave the room. Now what?

  I drift from the living room to the threshold of my mother’s bedroom; from there, I go into the bathroom, and begin to run a bath almost before I know what I’m doing. When the bath is only half full, I turn the water off and drain it again. I don’t know what I’m doing. I need help. I need my Sisters. Rage passes through me, a brief yet intense flare. Where are they?

  I put my clothes back on and go into the dining area to retrieve my laptop, which I take to the couch. There isn’t much battery life left, but I only need a few minutes, just long enough to open a new e-mail, put in Chastity, Diana, and Denise’s e-mail addresses, and type “Emergency meeting at my place tonight, ASAP. Call me as soon as you get this,” in the subject line.

  Six o’clock, and still no response. Where are they? Chastity has to be done at that cursed mission by now, and Denise must be surely home from work. Goddess only knows where Diana is, but she must have seen the e-mail.

  I call her. I’d still rather discuss this with anyone else, but this is an emergency, and she is my Sister. She has to understand.

  “Hello?” she says abruptly.

  “Diana, it’s Belle.” I clear my throat, and she clicks her tongue. “I’m sorry. I need to talk to you.”

  “Can it wait? I’m working on the paper for my Sociology class.” I hear paper rustling, and something that might be computer keys. If she’s on the computer, she must have seen the e-mail. Why hasn’t she responded? “I will be so glad when I can put that forsaken mission behind me.”

  “No, it can’t wait.” I clutch the phone more tightly and sit down on the couch. “Something terrible has happened. Didn’t you get my e-mail?”

  “Of course not. I’ve been at the mission all afternoon; I just got in about a half hour ago. What’s the matter?”

  “I ...” I close my eyes. She may not understand, but I have to talk to someone. “Sue came by today.”

  “She’s out of bed, then? What’s so terrible about that?”

  “Nothing, but ...” Just say it. She’ll only get annoyed if you drag it out. “We had an argument.”

  “About what?”

  I can’t get into the whole story about Nick. I’m too tired to explain it properly, and she told me not to interfere. “I did something that she didn’t approve of.” Please let her leave it at that.

  “Even after I told you to leave her alone?”

  I clench my free hand into a fist in my lap. “I did what I felt was best.”

  “You did what you wanted.”

  “It’s only thanks to me that she’s out of bed at all.”

  “In what state, though? And for how long?”

  My throat tightens again. “I had to do something. I couldn’t watch her suffer like that.”

  “Fine. I’m not going to argue with you. But don’t whine to me because you don’t like the consequences.”

  “I’m not whining!” I stand up and rub my eyes. “Why does everyone insist on painting me as the villain?”

  “Why do you have to be so dramatic? I’m sure Sue will calm down in a few days, provided you can stop yourself from upsetting her again.”

  ‘You are nine kinds of fucked up.’ “I don’t think so. She was far beyond upset.” I start pacing the living room. “I can’t stand this, Diana.”

  “For God’s sake, does it really matter that much to you whether Sue’s angry with you or not?”

  “Of course it does. She’s our Sister.”

  “Okay. So there’ll be one less person sipping tea at the meetings.”

  My mouth falls open, and I lower myself back onto the couch very slowly. “Is that all that the Sisterhood is to you? Just a bunch of women sipping tea?”

  “You’re getting dramatic again.”

  The call waiting goes off. Denise. “I’ve got another call,” I say to Diana.

  “Fine. Later,” she replies immediately, and slams the phone down.

  I switch over to Denise. “Hello?”

  “Hi. I just got your e-mail: is everything okay?”

  I smile. Faithful Denise. You, at least, will stand with me, won’t you? “Thank you for calling, Denise. It’s been such a terrible day.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “I ... don’t think that I can discuss it on the telephone. Can you come over?”

  A pause, followed by the sound of Denise’s desk chair squeaking. “Tonight?”

  “Of course, tonight.” Desperation creeps into my voice despite my efforts to keep it out.

  “I’m not sure if I can. Even if I left right now, I probably wouldn’t get home until after nine, and I’ve got to be up early for work tomorrow.” She hesitates. “I’ll be glad to talk about it with you over the phone, but —”

  “I’d come for you. I have come for you, in the past.”

  “I know.” Her tone becomes just a bit firmer. “I do appreciate that, Belle, but I just can’t.”

  “You have a very strange way of showing your appreciation.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m doing my best. I’ve got responsibilities, though.”

  “And I don’t? I’ve put off studying for exams and working on assignments to be there for you and the rest of our Sisters.”

  “It’s not a contest, Belle,” Denise says, rather incredulously. “I didn’t realize we were keeping score.”

  I open my mouth to respond, but no words come out, and eventually I just flip the phone closed. Unlike Chastity, Denise does call back immediately, but I put the phone on silent mode, go into my bedroom, and slam the door behind me.

  “Why?” I demand. “I have done so much for them, and now that I find myself in crisis, not one of them is willing to disturb themselves to come to my aid!” The silence is deafening, and I strike the nearest wall with my fist just to drown it out for an instant.

  I stand there against the wall until my breathing slows down to something approaching normal, then sink down to the floor and look at the ceiling. “They’re all drifting away. They’re all abandoning me. Gertrude ... is this what happened to you and Emily? Did you turn around one day and find that she was suddenly far away from you? Did you turn around, and find that you were alone?”

  I am alone, aren’t I? No one left to call, and no one coming to help me. This time, I can’t stop the tears, but it’s alright: there’s no one to see them.

  Chastity

  IT TAKES FIFTEEN minutes to calm things down, and we’ve only just gotten back
on schedule when, to my surprise, Diana and David walk in.

  “Diana, David, hi. Were you scheduled to come in today? I thought that we had you down for Sunday.”

  “David reminded me we only have three hours of work left to do before we can write up the final paper,” Diana says. “Today or Sunday, what difference does it make? I’d like to get it over with as early as possible.”

  “I understand,” I say. “If you can help out today, that’s great.”

  “What’re we waiting for, then?” David shrugs off his coat, and goes off to hang it up.

  “He’s certainly enthusiastic,” I say.

  “Like a puppy on caffeine,” Diana replies.

  As soon as her three hours are up, Diana bids us “Goodbye,” and leaves. Half an hour after that, it’s only David and I, side by side at the sink, washing dishes. I’m trying to think of something to say when David speaks up. “Can’t believe it’s our last day. Seems like we just started.”

  “Time has a way of getting away from you.” Is it already two months since that morning when I went to visit Matthew? “I think it’s particularly bad for students. When I was attending classes, I would look at my weeks as a series of tests and deadlines, and before I knew it, it was Christmas.”

  “Yeah, no joke. Christmas isn’t that far away.” He leans forward to attack a particularly stubborn stain. “Still gotta get that shopping done.”

  “Are you one of those people who leaves it for the 24th?” I ask.

  “Not on purpose.”

  I laugh. “Maybe you should ask Diana for help? She told me that she was almost done a week or two ago.”

  “Wouldn’t surprise me.” He gives the pot one final rinse and sets it aside. “Did you ever see her agenda? It’s all colour-coded, and she’s even got those tab things all over it.”