I flicked on the gym lights and headed to the changing rooms to get ready. At 5.00 a.m., the gym was completely empty. I hadn’t slept all night, but as bone weary as I was, I needed some outlet for my frustration. After a quick change, I rolled on my wraps and started on the bags. It wasn’t my normal routine, but there was no one here to knock me back on track, and I needed the sweet burning pain of feeling my knuckles cracking against the tough leather to distract me from my thoughts. The slamming doors had me looking over my shoulder, but I needn’t have bothered. There was only ever one person who’d be there at this hour.
“In early, aren’tcha?” Con asked me. I shrugged and carried on smacking the shit out of the bag.
“Did you know?” I asked, not bothering to look up.
“Know what?” he replied, sounding genuinely confused.
“Irish has a congenital heart defect. She’s been sick for years, and it’s only going to get worse until her heart finally packs up.”
“Fuck,” he replied.
“Pretty much.”
He dropped his holdall and held the bag still for me. It was man code for a hug. “That’s why she’s been dodging you?” he asked.
I nodded, wiping the sweat away from my eyes with my forearm. “Em told her about Da, and she doesn’t want to get into a relationship knowing she could be going down the same path he did.”
I let rip with my punches, pouring out my anger and frustration with every hook and jab. By the time I was done, the sun was high in the sky and the gym was half full. I grabbed some water while Con went to change, before easing back into my usual routine.
“What’s going down, ladies?” Tommy asked, as he threw a medicine ball at me. Danny liked to mix things up by swapping round my training partners in the afternoons. Usually Con would carry on training alongside me, but as he had no upcoming fights scheduled, he’d taken to hanging around the edge of the gym with the guys who all heckled and commentated on my performance. The lazy fucker was as quiet today as I was, and it was making everyone nervous.
“Not much,” I replied. “Is that a hickey on your neck?”
“Yeah, Hoover Hayley gave me a going over last night. Man, that girl can suck,” he said.
“Slut.”
“Hey!” he said, indignantly. “She’s a nice girl who enjoys a good time, that’s all.”
“I was talking about you.”
“Oh. Fair enough,” he replied. “Enough with changing the subject though. Why do you and Con look so miserable?”
With a deep sigh, I relayed everything I’d told Con.
“Fuck,” he said, echoing Con’s sentiments.
“What did you say to her?” he asked.
“Nothing. My vocal chords pretty much seized up.”
He stopped, medicine ball poised midair and stared at me. “You mean to tell me that she bared her soul and you let her walk away without saying a word? You fucking pussy.”
“Ease off, Tommy,” Con said.
“No,” Tommy replied. “There was a time I wanted to make a play for Marie, but I backed down for you.”
“She deserves more than to be one of your fuck-and-dump girls, Tommy,” I replied angrily. I barely caught the ball that he threw hard at my chest.
“I only ever sleep with girls who want the same thing I do, but that don’t mean I couldn’t have something more with Marie given half the chance.”
“You are fuckin’ dreamin’ if you think she’d have picked you over me,” I said.
“Maybe she would have if she’d known what a spineless little shit you were,” he replied.
Throwing the ball to one side, I launched myself up and straight for him. Tommy lived to wind us all up, and had become a master at dodging our long jabs. But then, possibly for the first time since I’d known him, he went for me as well.
Neither of us were playing.
“Enough!” Con bellowed, grabbing me in an armlock before I could lay a hand on him. Liam did the same for Tommy, practically lifting him off the floor as he moved him away from me.
“We are not doing this shit,” Con said. “Tom, you know why Kier didn’t say anything, so why are you up in his face about this shit?”
“Because I like this girl, and he let her walk away, probably feeling like absolute shite, just because some bits of her don’t work so good. Look, Kier, I know you lost your da, but that was a long time ago. Who’s to say how long any of us have. But that girl looks at you like you walk on fuckin’ water. If you don’t have the stones to take a chance at what could be something amazing, that’s up to you. But to just stand there like a pussy and offer her nothing, not even friendship, that’s fucking low.”
None of the boys said a thing, and I guess they were torn. They all knew firsthand what I’d been through with Da, but they liked Marie a lot. As I looked at each of them in the face, the reality of what I was throwing away hit me in the chest.
“You’re right,” I said to him. “I owed her more than that. It gutted her to tell me, and she didn’t have to. She could have waited until we gave a relationship a try before saying anything.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, mate,” Con said. “I wouldn’t have known what to say either.” It was typical of my best mate to jump to my defence.
“Yes you would,” I replied. “If Em told you she was ill or had a health problem, you’d wrap her up even tighter in cotton wool, but you’d have gone after her anyway, wouldn’t you?”
He nodded in reply. “Yeah, I would’ve. But that doesn’t mean you were wrong. You barely know this girl, and you’ve lived through this before. It’s a lot to take on.”
“I know her a lot better than you knew Em when you went after her. I know she’s good and kind and that we share the same sense of humour. I know that she snorts when she finds something funny but she’s trying not to laugh. I know that she’s a good friend who’s generous, patient, and loyal. I know that she’s the first woman who’s ever left me lost for words. I know that she’s special. So what the fuck’s wrong with me that I couldn’t tell her that?”
“You want a list, arse nugget? ’Cause it’s a long one,” Tommy asked.
“Leave him alone, Freud,” said Liam. “You’ve said your piece. Now that’s enough.”
Tommy rolled his eyes at him and looked at me pointedly.
“So now we’ve established what a fuckin’ stupid mistake you’ve made, what are you going to do about it?” he asked.
I ran my hand haphazardly through my buzz cut. The idea of being with anyone else made my blood run cold. The idea of her being with another guy made it boil.
I liked this girl.
A lot.
Getting to be a part of her life was worth the chance of someday losing her. Tommy was right, for probably the first and last time in his life. There was no such thing as a sure thing in this world. Anyone of us could die in a car accident tomorrow. Diamonds were treasured because they were rare. If my time with her was finite, each moment would be more precious because of it. Da was right about that freight train, because that’s exactly what this felt like.
“She’ll never give me a shot now, not after I let her go without a fight. Mentally, she’d have closed the book on us by now,” I said.
“Go big,” Liam suggested. The big guy didn’t say much. When he did, I listened. “You and Tommy are the kings of showboating. So do something big and show her that you’ve thought this through, that you’re certain you want to make a go of it,” he said.
“It’s not a bad idea,” Con added. “Marie is kind of shy in a group. Maybe if you put her on the spot, she’ll give you a chance so you’ll stop.”
“Great. I always wanted a girl to date me out of embarrassment and pity,” I said.
“Like you could get a girl to date you any other way,” Tommy said, chuckling.
“Con,” I said with a nod.
Answering with a knowing smirk, he gave Tommy a slap for me.
“Ow, fucker, that hurt,” he said, rubb
ing the back of his head.
“Look, why don’t you go and see her and talk it through privately. If she doesn’t buy it, then go big and get her attention,” Liam said. It was pretty sound advice, though I was confident that Irish had made up her mind about us, regardless of what I said.
“Any bright ideas on how I’m going to get her attention?” I asked.
“I have one,” Tommy said.
“Does it involve making an arse of meself?” I asked.
“Fuck yeah,” he replied with a grin. “Might as well be some entertainment for us in it.
***
I trained hard for the rest of the afternoon while Tommy laid out the bones of his idea. By the end of the day, I felt exhausted but optimistic. I was heading for the showers when Danny called me over.
“Get in here a sec, kid,” he said, going back into his office. I closed the door and sat across from him, wondering what I could have done wrong. The chair was deliberately lower than his to make us feel intimidated. It worked, because I always felt like I was in the head master’s office in here.
“What’s up, Danny?” I asked.
“Look, kid, I ain’t being nosy, but I overheard you lot talking about why you and that girl ain’t together.”
“Okay,” I replied, not really sure where he was going with this.
“Have you really thought through what it is you’re about to do? If you fall in love with her, that’s it for you. You and Con are cut from the same cloth that way. For years it could be sunshine and roses. But one day, when you least expect it, she’ll get sick. And it’s gonna hit you like a punch in the nuts.”
“You have such a way with words, Danny.”
“Laugh it up, ya’ little shite, but listen to what I’m sayin’.”
I perched on the edge of my seat and leant forward, looking him square in the eyes.
“What d’you want me to say? Do I know what I’m letting myself in for? Probably not. Am I ready for it? No, I’m not. But life don’t wait till you’re ready before giving you that sucker punch that’ll land you on your arse. If I have a chance with her, fuck everything else. I’m taking it,” I replied.
He sighed, rubbing his hand wearily down his face. The cantankerous old bugger was starting to look old. I probably had a thing or two to do with that.
“And what about when things get really tough?” he asked. “You’re laid back and don’t take life too serious, which ain’t a bad thing, but when she’s battling those demons, she’s gonna need someone mature, someone who’s in it with her for the long haul.”
“Wow. I had no idea you thought so little of me, Danny,” I replied, shocked.
“For fecks sake!” Danny exclaimed. “I love you like you’re my own feckin’ kid. And I ain’t meaning to insult you. I’m trying to save you from a world of hurt ’cause you have no feckin’ idea what it does to a man to lose the woman he knows he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with.”
“What if you’re wrong?” I asked.
“What d’you mean?”
“Marie’s spent most of her life knowing that most of her friends and family will outlive her. What if my immaturity is the exact thing that makes her happy? If you numbered the days you had left, wouldn’t you want to spend them with someone who lives every day like it’s their last?”
“And you? What happens to you when she’s gone?”
I sighed deeply and sat back in the chair, allowing myself a moment to reflect on what it would be like to live in a world without her. Where her laugh was just an echo on the wind, and she only smiled up at me from a torn and faded picture in my wallet. The clouds would always be that little bit greyer, and the sun would never shine as bright.
“I hear ya, Danny. I do. But the thing is, this girl had me by the balls from the very first time that I met her. I’m fallin’ for her. And I’m not really sure I ever had a choice.”
“Maybe you didn’t, kid. Maybe you didn’t,” he replied. “Well, they say God has a plan for us all. I guess it’s time for us to find out what yours is. I ain’t saying I ain’t worried about ya, but it’s your life. Your decision. You wanna go after this girl, then go after her. What will be, will be.”
It was as close to a blessing as I was ever gonna get, but from Danny it was priceless.
“Thanks, Danny. Now, any ideas on how I can get the girl?”
He took a moment to think hard before replying. “What the fuck do I know about wooing women?” he said with a wry chuckle. “You ain’t never had a problem before, kid. Just be yourself and you’ll do just fine.”
***
Using my motorcycle without a helmet was reckless and illegal, but there was nothing better in the world for clearing your head than the freedom of riding with the wind in your hair. I knew what I was doing was impetuous, but after my talk with Danny, I needed to see my girl. Of course she didn’t know she was my girl yet, but that was just semantics. Pulling up to the curb, I let the bike rest on its stand while I waited astride it. The ugly grey monstrosity at the top of the wide steps ahead of me screamed government building, and I had more than one strange look from passers-by as I sat there staring at it. Finally, a steady stream of people began to trickle out. The minute the light of the street lamp bounced off that red hair, my lips turned upwards in a gentle smile.
“What are you doing here? And how did you know where I’d be,” she asked, stopping stock-still in surprise as her eyes met mine.
“Em told me, and I’ve come to give you a lift home,” I replied.
She looked left and right as though this was some sort of trick. Her confusion was kind of cute.
“Um, why? I thought we’d said everything that needed to be said the other night.”
“We didn’t say anything. You said your piece then ran out on me before I even had a chance to process it all,” I said, handing her the helmet that had been secured behind me. She stared down at it and bit her lip.
“Stop thinking so hard, Irish, and climb on.”
Doing as I’d asked, she put on the helmet and climbed on behind me. As her body slid closer to mine, I took a deep breath, because for the first time that day, everything felt right. Her tiny hands sliding around my waist had me instantly tensing, my cock hardening painfully in my jeans.
“Shouldn’t you have a helmet too?” she asked.
I loved that she worried about my safety.
“I’m good. Now hold on tight and I’ll have you home before you know it.”
Dark clouds drifted across the evening sky, and I doubted we’d make it back before the rain came. It pissed me off. Now that I had her with me, I wanted to open up the throttle and just fly. I’d keep going all night, just to feel her warmth at my back and her body pressed against mine. My breath caught when she rested her head against my back and squeezed a little tighter.
All too quickly, we pulled up outside her apartment. The drizzle was getting heavier, and we dashed towards the awning above the main door for cover. She’d taken off her helmet as she ran, and droplets of rain fell down her cheeks to land on the soft curls of her hair. Man, it hurt to be so close and not kiss her. Now that I’d had a taste, I wanted those soft lips pressed against mine, to hear that breathy moan a second before I teased my tongue against her plump bottom lip. I knew she felt it too. We were moving infinitesimally closer until the air trapped between us became so hot it practically steamed. The rain beat down hard, forming a curtain that hid us from the world. There was just me and her in perfect solitude.
“Kiss me,” I whispered to her. I’d meant to will her to do it, but my mouth was blurting out my thoughts without filter.
“You’re crazy,” she whispered back.
“Admit it. You like my brand of crazy.”
“It doesn’t matter whether I like it or not. It doesn’t matter whether I like you or not. You know why things won’t work out between us.”
“Thing is,” I said, teasing a lock of hair away from her face and stroking the soft skin of her c
heek with my thumb, “I figured something out today. I admit, I don’t use my brain often, so when I do it takes a while to warm up.”
“What did you figure out?” she asked breathlessly.
“You worrying about why we won’t work don’t matter. Life’s just one long road that takes us where we’re meant to be. I was meant to be yours. It’s why life keeps throwing us together.”
“And if my fate is to die?” she asked.
“Ah, love, but that’s everyone’s fate. It don’t matter how long the road is. It’s the moments that make the journey matter. You can run and hide all you like, but I ain’t letting you walk this road alone.”
Threading my fingers through her damp curls, I pulled her gently towards me until her trembling lips were pressed against mine. It was the purest, gentlest kiss I’d ever given a girl, and it blew all the others out of the water.
Chapter Eight
Marie
Ever wonder how one kiss can change the world? That was pretty much all I’d thought about for the last week. I hadn’t seen Kieran for seven whole days, and every minute of that had been absolute torture. I was sure he would be the one to break this battered heart. It didn’t occur to me that he could be the one to fix it. Most people hated the rain, but one kiss had made me addicted to it.
And it hadn’t rained.
Not once in seven days.
“Why the long face, little sis?” my brother, Luca, asked.
“No reason. Just feeling a little down in the dumps today. I guess I miss the rain,” I replied.
“It’s a beautiful sunny day and you miss the rain? God, you’re weird,” he said, making me smile.
“Well, I know that’s true. Anyway, what are you doing here? I thought you were going out tonight?”
“I am, but I called Mum earlier and she said you looked blue, so I thought I’d stop by on the way home and check in,” he said.
“Where are the twins?” I asked, knowing that wherever one was, the other two weren’t far behind.
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