I was more than half a mile from the shore when it became obvious that the tide was coming in. The pools were getting larger and deeper and it was impossible to avoid them without following a tortuous and twisting course that would take far longer than a straight dash. I hadn’t expected to arrive dryshod anyway.
After a short while longer I knew I’d made a serious mistake: I was nearly a mile from the mainland and about the same distance from the island. The water was coming in rapidly and now reached well above my ankles. The speed of the incoming flow surprised me. I turned to go back, looked at the distance I’d come and turned again to judge how far it was to Lindisfarne: I was almost exactly half way. To go forward or back would take the same time. I stood in the middle of the deepening strand and looked first one way then the other, unable to make up my mind. From a distance I must have looked a forlorn figure, turning one way then the other, unable to decide which way to go as the water rose rapidly around my indecision.
I decided to go on. I must move from this place or I was lost. If I was half across it was the worst place to be and the way would get better from now on.
The water was rising rapidly. The depth of it and the strength of the current impeded my every step, slowing me to the speed of a slug. As I waved my arms in the air for balance, the sea and sand hissed and sucked greedily at me like a leech. I could hardly move at all. My robe was heavy and soaked with the brine and the water was up to my stomach. Lindisfarne and safety seemed no nearer but the mainland was further away. I must be making headway. I would press on and find the going easier soon, I was sure.
Within a few minutes the water had reached my chest and I was too far away from land. The sea was rising faster than I could make way and I realised, with a dreadful, dreadful spasm in my stomach, that I wouldn’t see Aidan’s Shrine, or Colman whose cheerful face appeared in mymemory now, or torn, tormented Cuthbert, or meet any of the people who were gathering from all over the world to be at Whitby. I wouldn’t be able to deliver Owain’s message to Oswy and the two countries may go to war against each other rather than resist Rome. I would never see young Bedwyr again but at least I’d delivered him safely to Eata at Melrose and he would make a good monk, a great one. I could see him now, bent over a high desk and writing, writing, writing away. He was still the cheerful, inquisitive boy I’d known, I was glad to see. “Why are you wet? Why are you waving? Why are you walking out there? Can you swim?” he asked and I smiled. So many questions!
I was suddenly conscious of the little talisman of Cromm as a heavy weight in my pocket. I couldn’t believe the inert stone would have had any influence on my fate at all. My last regret as my saturated robe dragged me down and the water closed over my head was for my herbs: the sea would ruin them and the brothers in Lindisfarne were always short of good medicines. It was a shame. I raised my arms for one last prayer to God and sank beneath the triumphant waves. I felt the hand of God reach down for me and pull me out of this shabby, illusory life and take me to my reward at last.
“I don’t think we’ll let the fishes have you yet, Magister, even though we could do with some fat ones for our nets.” I dimly heard someone speak and then there was a dragging pain across my chest and stomach and then I vomited seawater and then I coughed and retched and then there was no more.
13
A Dream of Oil and Glass
I was floating on a sea of glass and oil and had been for Eternity. The water caressed me, nurturing me as a mother feeds a child. I drifted forever and came close to the shoreline and could smell apples. Not yet. Not yet.
The sea firmed and hardened. Alarmed, I jumped but I leaped further than I had intended and could see everything laid out before me. I saw my birth and I saw my Mother.
Mother! Where are you now? Why have you left me alone and aimless when you should be caring for me?
I was the child taken from the hearth, away from my Mother’s breast, away from her warmth and love and taken to my brother of the breast, my Dark Twin. We played together and fought together and cried together and comforted each other when we were beaten. And we were beaten often, until we were word-perfect in the Law and then we were beaten again because our swordsmanship was not good enough and it could not be good enough because we hadn’t practised enough because we were learning the Law and
I felt Love, and kindness and I knew where it came from. I knew, I KNEW, that people loved me and would do what I asked them to. I was their Priest, their guide, their judge, their leader. They would follow me anywhere and do my bidding, because they loved me. And I loved them all - all of them, I loved their beauty and their ugliness, their splendour and their misery, their health and their illness, their strength and their weakness, I loved them all and everything about them and they loved me and would do my bidding.
I was lost in a forest and there were wolves all around me. They were looking for me and they loved me and they wanted to devour me and then they would do my bidding because they loved me and they would rip out my entrails and they loved me and they would do my bidding
I saw a poor and hungry family and the mother was starving and the father was starving and the children were starving and even their slave was starving and they saw me and they turned to me and smiled and they loved me and they would do my bidding and I loved them in their poverty and their ugliness and their dirt and I reached out to save them but something got in the way
I saw debauchery in the place where none should be. Wine was flowing like saliva down an old man’s chin and they were fat and the girls were young and beautiful. I spoke a single word which I could not form and they turned to me and fell on their knees and begged forgiveness because they loved me and I loved them in their decadence and debauchery and I would forgive them and they would love me and do my bidding and they would do whatever I wanted if I would forgive them especially the little redhead
There had been a summer of honeysuckle and golden corn and soft hills that stretched out to the sea and beyond. She had been willing and she had wanted me to share her soft, smooth flesh that curved so prettily and her hair had been red and she had wanted me and I had wanted her. I remembered the electric stirring and I had run my hands through her hair and down her honeysuckle neck to her soft white shoulders - such shoulders! I had not known that shoulders could be so wonderful! - and beyond to her soft curving breasts and her hips where they flared to become her legs and she had opened her legs and invited me in, I could see it, I could remember
She had cried and run away and my heart had almost burst because she had wanted me to and I had wanted her too and she thought I didn’t love her and had run away rejected and hurt
I saw her now she was older but she was still the beautiful honeysuckle girl I had known but even more so and her shoulders - such shoulders! I had not known that shoulders could be so wonderful! - and she smiled and her smile said she loved me and she would do my bidding and I knew that this time I would be able to if only I had the power -
Oh yes, the power: where had I put it? I had mislaid it somewhere and I couldn’t remember where which was very strange because it was here just a moment ago, I would find it if she just gave me a moment and I felt the electric surge and I must find the power, I had had it here, and where was it and I MUST find it, I wanted the Power so I could please the beautiful honeysuckle girl with the red hair and the shoulders - such shoulders! I had not known that shoulders could be so wonderful! - and be kind to her as she deserved, they all deserved kindness and I could give it to all of them but especially this lovely girl if I could only remember where I’d left the Power! She was getting upset and beginning to cry and arranging her clothes again and covering her shoulders no! don’t! cover your shoulders! please they are so wonderful and I was sure it was around here somewhere and I began to cry because I’d lost my Power and I was a small boy playing and crying because I had lost my Power
A beautiful youth came towards me from the forest where I had been lost, I thought, not very long ago but thi
s youth with the golden hair and white tunic he knew his way around. He was leading the honeysuckle girl by the hand and she was smiling, shyly and tearfully because I’d upset her and that wasn’t very nice she loved me and would do my bidding and how could I be so cruel? but I hadn’t meant to be so heartless I was very upset but I’d lost my Power and I thought that was the problem I could be kind and loving and gentle and pleasing and generous when I had my Power but I didn’t know where it was and I was crying myself now
The youth smiled and said he could help but would I mind just being looked after for a moment because I was so tired and I couldn’t do everything not by myself let us help you and the girl picked me up in her arms for I was just a baby and she bared her magnificent breast so full of milk so I could drink and I drank and was filled with the most wonderful sweetness such sweetness as there had never been it was full and sweet and satisfying and soft and I felt the electric surge as I stroked the satisfying breast so full of sweet milk and she was sharing it with me letting me and all the hunger which I’d never noticed I’d had before but I had and this was the only food that would satisfy the hunger and then I stood and said to the youth what was it you wanted?
And the youth said would you mind passing me that apple from that tree there but I knew I wasn’t tall enough but the youth said never mind I’ll lend you some of my Power so you are tall enough and you can get it for me
But I felt hungry again, so soon after I’d taken my fill. My hand paused in midair as I reached for the apple. I turned and saw that the youth and the girl were laughing quietly, not looking at me. I let my hand drop to my side. They stopped their quiet chatter and looked at me. The youth smiled but he was hungry. The girl looked hungry.
Where is my apple? the youth asked. You said you would get it for me. It’s not kind to deny me such a simple thing. I would do your bidding because I love you [and I could see he loved me] and I ask such a little thing. Please fetch me my apple.
[Lord Jesus, strengthen him in his weakness]
I looked at the two of them and saw that they were very hungry, they were ravenous but their hunger was for me. They were wolves and they were ready to rip out my entrails
I was floating on a sea of oil and glass and I yearned for the shore, I yearned for the apples I could smell there
“Not yet. The time is not yet.”
I drifted off across to the far side of the ocean and it took eternity but I had Time
The topsoil blew off as dust from a shelf in the dry wind that blew like flame across the barren landscape. I saw my mother (Mother!) and she was thin and her skin was covered in boils that were weeping and eating her from the outside in and I loved her and would dive in and swim in her huge boils and she asked me to help her and I loved her and she loved me and she would do my bidding and I would tear my own arm off and feed her and she handed me a knife and said there is only one way to heal the Land and only you can do it and I looked at her and felt an electric surge for she had red hair which fell down to her wonderful shoulders - such shoulders! I had not known that shoulders could be so wonderful! - and she loosened her shift and I saw her breasts so full of sweet milk and I was hungry I raged with hunger and it was eating me and I knew she had the only thing that would satisfy my raging hunger and she pointed to the dusty field and her shrunken skin and begged me to help her for she loved me and would do my bidding and I was raving with hunger and her breasts were full of milk for me as soon as I brought life back to the Land and I held the knife and put it to my throat to spill the blood my blood his blood the only blood that would bring life to the Land and I saw
[Lord, in your death you brought Life to the World]
I looked at the land and saw that what I had thought was dry dust was millions of mouths of the one beast which hungered for my blood. I shuddered and dropped the knife. I shook with hunger and knew there was only one thing that could satisfy me. I turned to my mother - who was not my Mother - and she was weeping and pulling up her shift and denying me as I had denied her. My hunger burned me as I turned and walked away to the forest.
I was floating on a sea of glass and oil which was grass which stroked and soothed me. I stood and looked around and saw, coming from the east, hordes and hordes sailing across the sea in boats and ships. So many, I could have walked from land to land across them. They landed on the shore of the island - my island! - and their swords rose and fell and drove the people - my people! - off their farms and burned their villages and their swords rose and fell as they drove them into the mountains, into the sea, into the ground as their swords rose and fell and rose and fell and rose and fell and blood, blood, blood flowed everywhere it soaked into the earth which grew and writhed and strengthened and it flowed into the rivers and the rivers turned red from it and they flowed into the sea and the sea turned red and I was angry at the invaders
I was in a clearing, it was a Glade and a child stood before me and I was standing at an altar and the child had within him the Power that I could use I could see it glowing and pulsing in his chest and I knew what I had to do and I reached for the child with hunger for the thing that would end my hunger and the child looked at me and waves of pity welled up inside me and tears burst from my eyes and I looked at the child with ravenous hunger for the Power within and I reached for him and pulled back
I WILL NOT DO IT
and I was filled with black black, black, black, black, black, black despair for my people would all be cut down and my hunger would never be satisfied and all my people would die and it was my fault for they loved me and would do my bidding they would do anything for me
I will ask nothing of them.
I was in blackness. I was in the middle of the universe before the evening of the first day when darkness was upon the void and I was calm and at peace again.
I looked around and I remembered the room.
My brother.
My Brother wanted to kill me. He licked his lips as he played with me.
Then he drew blood. This was not a boyish game, he really wanted to kill me.
He swung at me, wildly, trying to take my head off. I leaned back and let his sword cut the air. A thrust, into the unprotected side, angled upwards towards the heart. I knew I had him.
Blood flowed in a river from his side and spread out over the boards and soaked into the carpet. I watched him die, my Brother.
My Brother.
A job well done. My training had not been for nothing
Murder! she screamed. Help me, murder! He has murdered the Prince! Oh help me!
I dropped my sword into the puddle of gore. Murdered the Prince? But I was Prince. How could I murder myself?
Murderer! they accused me. Kin-slayer! Outcast! You shall be hunted down to death! We fled into the darkness of the cloudy night, we turned towards the marshes, through the route that none would follow before daylight.
The sea was a serpent and it slithered its coils around and around me. I fought back and gripped its throat and wrestled and writhed to subdue it but it would not let me go. It sang to me, a deep, seductive song, a song of grass and green fields and a power beneath the earth, a power that could not be resisted. It kissed and caressed me and spoke softly to my heart of how it wanted to possess me, to have me all for myself, and it would show me and give me such pleasure as I had never known. I would be a king and fulfil my destiny and all the peoples of Britain would fall at my feet: I would bring peace to the Land and all this would be mine when I yielded to my lover, to the unspeakable pleasure that would be ours.
It was beautiful, the most beautiful thing I had ever held in my arms and maybe I could at last reach fulfilment in its embrace. Why should I resist? Resistance was useless. Why resist such beauty, such pleasure, such fulfilment, such Power!
I heard them singing from far away and they were calling to me, one of them was calling to me while the others sang. I would repay, I would make them pay! I, Prince Ciaran, I would repay them for what they had done! And then all the world
would fall at my feet and I would banish the wicked and execute the murderers, with my own bare hands I would squeeze the life out of them. How they would pay for what they had done!
And they were singing still and calling my name and I looked again at the bolted door and saw again the bloody child at the lakeside, in the pool. I would find out who had done this thing and they would pay and pay and the power to hunt them down would be mine if I would leave the door alone and turn away from the child and Britain would be at peace under my leadership, I would repel the English, the Saxons, pirates, renegades, invaders, slavers and all who would follow and I would have all of this if I would leave the door shut and leave well alone and embrace my one true love who would give me all this Power, so much more than any one man had ever had before and just think what I could do with it and how wisely I Prince Ciaran would rule and I heard them singing and
No. I had no need of that life. I would not ask it of them.
And then I was Ciaran, I was Lockeran and together I was Anselm again. I would reduce, return to the West and remain Anselm. I saw Strathclyde shrink and shrivel as its life blood was drained away and I wanted no more of the serpent. I relaxed as the foul embrace slid away: I was Anselm again.
I opened my eyes and saw the face of Colman, Abbott of Lindisfarne. He was normally so cheerful but now he looked very troubled. He looked at me with so much concern as he held my hand.
The Monk (Prince Ciaran th Damned Book 3) Page 18