by Michel Faber
Also, goddammit, The Fifth Gospel was Theo’s first book and he should be excused for being desperate to know how it had been received in the world at large.
He took a swig from the can of Seven-Up he couldn’t remember opening, to wash down the Twinkie bar he couldn’t remember unwrapping. The digital numbers on the bedside clock had metamorphosed from 12:58 to 1:23. That was bad news. The amount of sleep he could hope to get if he went to bed and lost consciousness immediately had dwindled to five hours. At 6:30, he had to get up and catch a train to San Diego.
‘A hand-tooled genuine cowhide leather sheath is included in the price if you order now!’
Theo pressed a button on the TV’s remote control to make the commercials go away. The screen reverted to a menu of the hotel’s services. 24-hour internet access downstairs in the lobby was one of them.
Within ten minutes, Theo was seated in front of a PC, in a softly lit lounge overseen by bleary young Hispanics in livery. The only other guest was a Korean businessman with a fancy cellphone into whose mouthpiece he murmured constantly while typing at great speed. Whatever he was doing, it sure as hell wasn’t browsing Amazon’s book pages.
Theo typed his name into Amazon’s search engine, and was instantly presented with:
Robert Griepenkerl: Das Schicksal eines freien deutschen Schriftstellers (Unknown Binding)
by Ludwig Buttner (Author)
No customer reviews yet. Be the first.
Grunting with irritation, he typed in ‘Grippin’ instead, which gave him:
The Fifth Gospel: The Testament of Malchus, The Lost Apostle (Hardcover)
by Theo Grippin (Author)
Underscoring his name was a row of five stars, of which two and a half had been filled in with gold. The reviews of fifty-nine Amazon customers had wrought this perfectly split average of approval and disapproval. Did that mean that only fifty-nine people had bought his book? No, of course it didn’t. At his Barnes & Noble gig yesterday in Fresno, he’d seen, with his own eyes, twenty-odd people take The Fifth Gospel to the cash registers.
Product details
Hardcover: 126 pages
Publisher: Elysium
Language: English
ISBN-13: 978 00073 13266
Product Dimensions: 9.3 × 6.1 × 0.7 inches
Amazon.com Sales Rank: 74 in Books
Seventy-four seemed a fantastically high ranking, compared to, say, 32,457, but these things could be deceptive. A book could shoot up the charts on the basis of a surge of orders from a single city. Maybe a dozen listeners to his radio interview on Fresno’s KFSR yesterday had rushed to Amazon simultaneously, and their orders had impacted on Amazon’s computer brain as evidence of heavy sales traffic, thus wildly boosting his rating in a temporarily captured window of time before the statistics regained their natural equilibrium.
Theo tried to forget about the numbers thing, and passed on to the product description.
Theo Grippin, leading expert in Biblical Aramaic (the language spoken by Jesus), has made the archaeological discovery of the century: nine papyrus scrolls written only a few years after Christ’s crucifixion. Malchus, former servant of Jerusalem’s high priest Caiaphas, is converted to the controversial new faith as a result of a person-to-person encounter with Jesus. He is an eyewitness at Calvary, one of the first to see the risen Christ, and a close associate of the apostles as they establish their infant church. Grippin relates the fascinating story of the scrolls and the challenges of translating them, but the heart of this book is Malchus’s own account, as honest and vivid as when it was written – in the 1st century AD, at the dawn of the Western world’s greatest faith.
Customers who bought this item also bought:
The Jesus Dynasty: The Hidden History of Jesus, His Royal Family, and the Birth of Christianity by James D. Tabor $10.88
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown $7.99
The Jesus Papers: Exposing the Greatest Cover-Up in History by Michael Baigent $10.85
The Lost Tomb of Jesus DVD $19.99
Theo frowned at the sight of these unwanted appendages to his own effort. A curse on these money-grubbing exercises in imaginary scholarship, cack-handed hokum and Mickey Mouse theology! He wished there was a more dignified, alternative version of Amazon that well-educated people could access, an Amazon where such trash was automatically filtered out. He felt like a classical conductor forced to share a stage with a bunch of simpering pop babes.
But the reviews: on to the reviews . . .
Julia Argandona, of Costa Mesa, CA, offered the following appreciation (which ‘17 of 59’ customers apparently found ‘helpful’):
I haven’t read this book yet but I can’t wait to read it so I am reviewing it early. The other people on Amazon who say don’t read it are brainwashed stooges of the Catholic religion, which has been sexually abusing children for 100’s of years. Who needs it? I already LOVE this book.
Ah, Julia Argandona, God bless her. Blind, unconditional support: what every author needs. Although . . . there was no guarantee she would approve of the book if and when she got around to reading it. Still, it was a sale. Or was it? There was no watertight proof of purchase to be divined from the text.
A person identifying him/herself only as ‘truth-seeker’ from East Coast, USA, had this to say:
This book could have saved me a lot of money if it had been written earlier. If you’ve had questions all your life about who the miracle-working (not!) carpenter (not!) from Nazareth (not!) really was (or wasn’t!), this is a perfect book to buy. But you might regret it because the truth hurts!
Couldn’t ask for a better response from a blunt-witted sort of reader, Theo supposed. Although some specific mention of the book’s content would have been nice.
He got it, in spades, from the next reviewer, Frank R. Felperin (Sonoma, CA):
This book may be slim in volume but it is huge in importance. For here we have the first eyewitness account of New Testament events whose authorship is not problematical. The earliest documents in the New Testament are generally agreed to be Paul’s letters, dictated to (and probably somewhat altered by) a scribe. They were written in Greek and Paul’s experience of Jesus was strictly inspirational, as he never met the man. Next chronologically are the Gospels and the Revelation of John, in disputed order of sequence, towards the end of the century. None of these are based on autographs and there is much evidence of tampering and outright invention. What is extraordinary about the memoir of Malchus is that it was written in Malchus’s own hand, in Aramaic, only a few years after the crucifixion of Jesus.
There is, of course, a possibility that Theo Grippin is a fraudster whose claims about finding the scrolls are every bit as spurious as those peddled in the works of Baigent et al. But Grippin is a researcher and expert in Aramaic with impeccable academic credentials (detailed in an exhaustive appendix) and no prior record of catchpenny journalism. Moreover, the titles of his earlier forays into publication (eg, ‘Some Anomalies In Post-Achaemenid Aramaic: Anti-Hellenism and Hebrew Hybrids’) raise doubts that an intellect as dry as Grippin’s could invent a memoir as garrulous and grotesque as Malchus’s.
Among the remarkable contents of this account are:
1. Malchus attends the crucifixion, along with several of Jesus’s disciples, who are obviously in shock. Jesus is naked and there is a spill of faeces down the vertical beam of the cross. Jesus also (unintentionally) urinates onto Malchus, who is standing nearer than the other onlookers. Such details are likely to be extremely upsetting to many Christians.
2. Jesus’s body, once dead, is allowed to hang on the cross for several days, as was usual in public crucifixions. Carrion-eating birds (whose precise species is unclear in the Aramaic, a detail on which Grippin expends a 17-line speculative footnote!) peck out his eyes and portions of his entrails.
3. There is no mention of Joseph of Arimathea or interment in the tomb. Jesus’s mother (Miriam) and half a dozen other women (apparently well known to Malch
us, but unnamed except for ‘Rebekah’ and ‘Abishag’) wait with Malchus on Golgotha in shifts. When the Roman soldiers finally dismantle the crosses of the executed men, and Jesus’s corpse ‘falls on the earth like a sack of flour’, the group arrange a simple burial, the costs of which are borne by Malchus.
4. There is no mention of Resurrection in the commonly understood sense of that term. Malchus and other supporters of Jesus have a vision or hallucination of him in restored health, as he was before his execution. Jesus does not speak, but makes gestures, the meaning of which is hotly debated among those who see them. After several weeks, during which the visions manifest more and more frequently among Jesus’s disciples, a meeting is held. Malchus’s normally sober, down-to-earth descriptive style is exchanged here for a rapturous, almost poetical meditation. It is therefore unclear what actually occurred, but the disciples emerge from the meeting in a state of elation and self-confidence. There are hints of drug use.
These and many other details have the potential to impact very negatively on Christianity as an institution. The fact that Malchus is a convert rather than a sceptic only makes his testimony more damaging, and Grippin’s overlong forewords and after-words, which give us no real clue as to his motives other than his passion for Aramaic, help to give the book an air of innocent authority.
Essential reading for anyone who wants to see what happens next in the troubled evolution of the Western world’s most powerful religion.
Twenty-three of fifty-nine people apparently found Frank Felperin’s review ‘helpful’, which, given the trouble Frank had gone to, seemed a tad ungenerous. But Theo could see, at a glance, that The Fifth Gospel was not universally admired:
I did not buy this book, so this author will not make a dime off me. I read it over a two day period in my local book store. The so-called gospel of Malchus is a blatant forgery produced by Muslims to undermine our faith. It’s been tried before. When will they learn?
Thus spake K. Stefaniuk from Duluth, GA. Equally dismissive was Boyd Benes from ‘Toeldo’ (presumably Toledo), Ohio:
Save your money, this one is one big letdown. The real meat is thrity pages in the middle and the rest is just some acadmeic showing off what he knows about Aramanic, the language that Jesus supposely spoke. Grippen should have guiven this stuff yto a fiction writer to make something good out of it, instead he just gives it to you straight which I guess some peoples will admnire him for. But the guy, Malchius, is not that interesting. Once he gets his ear cut off and sees the crucifixtion, thats basicly it. And thats like page 50. Grippen needs to go back to where he found the scrtolls and try to dig up some more good stuff, enough for a book. But if he does, he will just write a secondf book instead of making this one what it should of been. I know how these authors operate.
Arnold P. Lynch from Wisconsin, promisingly billed as ‘Biblical linguist’, titled his review ‘PITFALLS’. He did not waste time on a précis of The Fifth Gospel, nor did he feel obliged to mention any of the events described in the text, preferring to get straight down to his judicial summary:
As usual with ancient documents, the meddling of intermediaries and interpreters distorts the meaning. The word ‘gospel’ sets off alarm bells from the start, being a medieval term that has no place in a 1st century context. On the plus side, Malchus has some potentially valuable insights into the circumstances surrounding Yahshua’s final days of corporeal incarnation but, you guessed it, Yahshua is mis-named Jesus throughout and his father is annoyingly referred to as God or even Lord instead of the proper Yahweh. This shows that Theo Grippin is an instrument of Satan, no better than the King James cabal. (Check out the book’s ISBN number: 1+3+2 66 = 666). The Apostle Paul (before his words were censored/disguised) said: ‘Whosoever shall call upon the name of Yahweh shall be saved’. If you read the King James (per)version you won’t see the name Yahweh and if you don’t see it you can’t call it and therefore can’t be saved. Clever! So, in conclusion, read this book for the information but beware the traps and pitfalls. Satan’s hand is all over it.
Geraldine Des Barres, of Spanish Fork, Utah, raised expectations in Theo of a Mormon slant on the material, but merely said:
I started reading this book with an open mind and quite interested in the topic. The first part with Theo Grippen is quite good as you follow him to Iraq and he gets bombed. But then it became boring in the middle with this priest type guy who has ulcers. That’s when I put it down and didn’t pick it back up. Maybe if I had read to the end it would have got better. Usually writers try and make sure there is a big climax at the end but Theo Grippen is a first timer so, who knows. Maybe Dan Brown will write a fictional novel based on this book and it will be a blockbuster.
Charles ‘Book Muncher’ Volman, under the mysterious heading ‘JOYCE IS THE MAN!’, added:
Theo Grippin claims to have discovered an accoubt by an eye witness to Jesuss’ crucifixtion. And the way the eye witness descirbes it, there is no way Jesus could have survived, he is 100% dead. Which is 100% proof that this book is a big fat fake. (Well, not so fat – it is only 120 pages) The fact that Jesus SURVIVED has been common knowledge in esoteric circles for hundreds of years, and finally documented beyonf doubt in The Jesus Scroll by Donovan Joyce (New American Library, 1972, tragically out of print). JOYCE IS THE MAN! As for Grippin he is just trying to cash in on the current success of Jesus stories. The true facts are in danger of loosing all credibilty every time another book like this comes out. I mean, whats next, Jesus was a woman and he went to Norway and joined the vikinmgs? Give me a break.
Stephanie Geitner in Cincinnati took a more philosophical stance, and generously donated two stars, despite her lofty condescension towards Theo’s effort:
The man who wrote this thinks he has found something that was hidden for two thousand years. In truth, nothing is found or not found unless God wills it. The word of God cannot be lost nor can it be excavated by accident. The accounts preserved in the Bible were chosen by Jesus to be his mouthpiece for the 2000 years between his crucifixion and today. Any documents that have been found since, whether they be the Dead Sea Scrolls, the so-called Gospel of Judas, or this so-called Gospel of Malchus, come to light only because God has a purpose for them at the time. I do not know what the purpose of The Fifth Gospel is, but God is in control, and Theo Grippin is an instrument of the Lord whether he believes it or not. Every word he writes, not to mention every breath he breathes, is made possible by the Supreme Intelligence that allows his fingers to move upon a keyboard or hold a pen. Christians, do not fear this man’s book. All is revealed that needs to be revealed, and all is hidden that needs to be hidden.
‘Your croissant and coffee are ready, sir.’
It was the third time the words had been spoken, but Theo hadn’t registered until now that they were addressed to him. The sultry woman behind the bar was keeping her voice low, in deference to the late hour, but she had broken his trance by sounding just a little pissed off.
‘Uh . . . thanks, I’ll be there in a second,’ Theo replied. He wanted to read just one more review. It was kind of addictive, despite being so unpleasant and unsatisfying.
Tessa Bawden, who didn’t say where she was from, kept her feedback short and sweet:
Mr Grippin, before I read your book I was saved and steadfast in the Lord. I thought Jesus was holding me in his arms like a baby. Now I am lost and alone. I can see that Jesus was just like me and nothing more, ie, a bunch of bones and guts covered in skin. We all wish there was more and we build a dream of heaven on those wishes, but when the heart stops, that’s the end of the dream. In my life as a Christian I had lots of arguments with atheists and read lots of anti-Christian books and my faith remained strong. It’s funny that poor little Malchus, who loved Jesus so much, and you, who don’t seem to have any agenda that I can see, should be the ones to turn off the Light of my life. Actually, it’s not funny at all. Did you spare any thought for people like me before you gave your book to the world? I bet you
didn’t. Enjoy your money, Mr Grippin, and everything else your success brings you. Thanks for nothing.
More Than Heart Could Wish
‘Good morning,’ said the voice on the other side of the door. ‘Room service.’
Theo looked at Jennifer in the bed next to him, in case she shook her head in dissent or lurched sideways to retrieve her clothes. She nodded languidly. Her only concession to privacy was to pull the sheets up over her naked breasts.
‘Come in.’
The hotel employee was a female too. She didn’t bat an eyelid at the sight of the bigshot author in bed with the gorgeous blonde who, only yesterday afternoon, had cordially introduced herself to him, with a handshake, in the hotel lobby.
‘Two freshly squeezed orange juices, two coffees, toast with egg over easy, toast with egg sunny side up, two blueberry muffins, two messages, and . . . uh . . . a CD by John Coltrane.’
It was true. All these things were on the silver tray. Theo had ordered the breakfast but not the CD. Even from halfway across the room, he recognised its cover photo. Amazed, he looked down at Jennifer for an explanation.
‘The magic of credit cards,’ she murmured, with a mischievous grin. ‘And couriers.’