by Cole Lepley
“I’m obviously very busy right now.”
Her heels float closer and I grit my teeth. She’s standing right above my shoulder. “This can’t wait.”
With a sigh, I set my gun down. I pat the guy on the arm that’s face down on my table.
“I’ll be right back. Take five.”
He nods as I stand up from my chair and motion Sloan out back. She follows and raises an eyebrow when I light a cigarette. “I thought you quit?”
I laugh, smoke blowing out through my nose. “Yeah, well if we’re all going to do bad things anyway, why shouldn’t I?”
Recognition flashes on her face and she wraps her arms around herself. She takes a deep breath. “Perry left the hospital last night and never came back. I went to his apartment and he’s not there either.”
“He’s a big boy, he doesn’t have a curfew.”
“This isn’t funny, Tess. He would never leave Mack if it wasn’t really important.” She pauses, running a hand through her hair and laughing bitterly. “And he’s not here, so I have no idea what it could be.”
I step closer and look her dead in the eye. “You and I both know what it could be.” I take another drag, blowing it out over her shoulder. “And I think you know what that is.”
“No way,” she says, shaking her head. “Perry would never start dealing again.”
My face remains stoic as she searches for something to tell her I’m lying. Maybe he’s not dealing, but he’s certainly still involved.
Her eyes fill with tears when she doesn’t find what she’s looking for. “I know you love him, and because of that I hope you see how serious this is.”
I scoff, tossing my cigarette to the ground. “I’ve had enough of this conversation.” I move to step past her and she blocks my path. “This is getting old, Sloan.”
This time, she gives me a hard stare. “I’m sure you know more than me and it wouldn’t surprise me.” She takes a breath when I step back and appear to be listening again. “But even I know something isn’t right. He always came home and now…” Her voice trails off and she starts to cry. “And now he didn’t. He didn’t come back, Tess.”
My own heart pounds as I picture dozens of scenarios where Perry doesn’t come back. It’s nothing new. I’ve been doing it since I was sixteen and nothing has changed.
I shrug. “What do you want me to do? He doesn’t listen to me either.”
She sniffs. “Yes, he does. Those things I said to you in street the other day weren’t true. It’s me that’s always been jealous.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
She shakes her head and then wipes under her eyes. “No, it’s not. I saw the way he looked at you, cared for you—the way he loves you is different than it is with me. It’s permanent. Nothing you can do will change that.”
I want to roll my eyes again, but I hold back because she looks so serious right now. “Same goes for you. That’s how he is.”
“No,” she lowers her eyes. “He doesn’t love me like that anymore. It changed when he was gone.” She looks up at me. “You can’t hurt each other the way we did and expect to make it through. I know it was more me than him so I know what he looks like when he’s in pain. That’s how he looked last night when I went to see him, but it was—it was much worse.”
My own heart takes another hit, throbbing and squeezing in my chest. I’ve seen it too, and what Sloan doesn’t realize is, I was the one who was always there to pick up the pieces. Now that it’s me doing it to him, I don’t know what he’ll do.
“Okay,” I say finally. “I’ll look for him. I think I know where he is.”
She smiles, but it’s sad. I’ve never really felt bad for her before, but right now I kind of do. I know how much it hurts to lose Perry and from the looks of her, I’d say it’s over between them for good. Even so, the fact that she’s still not wearing her engagement ring is bothering me.
I nod to her hand. “Where’s your ring?”
She covers her ring finger with her other hand, staring at the empty space for a moment. “I gave it back. It wasn’t fair of me to continue with him if I couldn’t offer the same in return.”
A surprised laugh escapes me. “That was noble of you.”
Her eyes flare in annoyance. “Yeah, well I’m not completely heartless. I know what it feels like to love someone so deeply that you could never picture your life without them. So, I’m holding out hope that someday I’ll find that again and I want the same for Johnny. He’s a good guy and he deserves to be someone’s first choice, not just someone they settled for.”
Sloan’s words resonate with me in a way that drives straight to my core. That’s always been my fear too. Does Perry love me because he can’t imagine his life without me in it or is he settling for a life without Sloan because he knows it could never work?
I don’t finish my appointment. He needed a break anyway and there’s no way I can concentrate without knowing if Perry is safe. That’s why I leave and drove straight here. To the place where this all began.
He’s seated at the edge of the roof with his legs pulled up, chain smoking, and looking broody as ever. It makes me smile even though I have half a notion to shove him straight off the roof and into my parents’ driveway. They’re still in Florida, so it was good place for him to choose to hide out—if that’s what he’s doing.
When I make my way on the roof beside him, he doesn’t look over at me. I pull my legs up and wrap my arms around them, taking in the exhausted appearance of his face and the anger still so present in his eyes.
He takes a drag, blowing it out slowly. “I thought I would feel remorse after it was over,” he says, calmer than I expected. He shrugs. “But I don’t.”
His eyes focus on the cigarette burning between his fingers, still not looking at me. “I wanted to feel something—anything that would make me believe I wasn’t completely ruined. That I was still capable of basic human emotion.” He laughs bitterly. “But the truth is, I wanted him to die.” His eyes finally meet mine and the rage inside of them makes me cringe. “I wanted him to suffer for what he did to us, and so he’s dead.”
The look of horror obviously written on my face doesn’t surprise him, or at least, he doesn’t acknowledge that it does. Instead, he turns away from me again and tosses his cigarette to the ground below. “I’m not the one who killed him though—Robby did.”
My lungs expand for the first time since I got here. I bring my hand to my chest and sigh in relief. That’s when he laughs.
“The only reason I didn’t pull the trigger is because of that reaction right there.” He points to my face, his jaw still rigid with tension. “Every time I tried to justify it, I thought of the look on your face and the fact that you’d never be able to look at me the same again.”
The dryness in my mouth, coupled with the lump in my throat makes it almost impossible to speak, but I manage. “You really didn’t kill him?”
He shakes his head slowly. “No.”
“But, he’s dead?”
“Yes.”
A tear slips down my cheek as I think of Walker and what it must have been like in that moment. What was the last thing he saw? What was he thinking right before it happened? I’ve had these thoughts so many times over the past year I’ve lost count. I’d be lying if I said knowing this doesn’t give me a sense of peace, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I reach for Perry’s hand, lacing my fingers with his. He looks to our hands and back up to my face. The anger in his eyes is replaced with a sadness that is almost worse.
“Are you okay?” I whisper.
He releases my hand and throws his arm around my shoulder, pressing me close against his side. I waste no time wrapping my arms around him and squeezing him tight. He places a kiss to my temple and sighs.
“I am now.”
These are the kinds of moments with him I used to live for. We don’t always need long, drawn-out explanations to say what we need to tell each other—we just k
now. It’s always been like that and even though I’m not sure what the future holds for us, the one thing that makes it okay for me is that Perry is safe. He came back like he said he would and I’m not sure I can ever let him walk away again without him knowing I’m always going to be here when he gets back. I’ve always loved him more than I knew I should, and that will never change.
45
Straight To You
Perry- Now
Tess and I stayed on the roof until the sun came up the next morning. I told her everything. At first she was still upset about my reasons for wanting to do it in the first place, but in the end, I think she understands. It wasn’t just about vengeance and revenge for me, it was about finishing a chapter of my life that I never want to open again. At the end of the day, I’m the only one left and I’m eternally grateful she’ll still have me.
She dropped me off at my apartment before going home to take a shower and get ready for work. I feel bad she missed her appointments last night, but hopefully I’ll be able to make up for it. I plan on being a better man for her. I’ve always stressed how I wanted her to have the life she deserved, and yet I never tried hard enough to give it to her myself. I’m going to change that. Starting now, I promise to never lead Tess down a path that isn’t straight.
That being said, before I can completely close this chapter of my life there’s still one loose end I need to tie up.
I’m parked in front of Sloan’s parents’ house on the other side of town. I heard she was staying here since leaving Johnny for good. I take notice of the moving van parked at the end of her driveway.
When I get out of my car, Sloan is walking outside onto the front porch. Her eyes widen slightly and she sets a box down on the step.
“Perry,” she breathes, brushing the hair from her face. She walks down and meets me in the middle of the driveway. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”
I shove my hands in pockets and shrug my shoulders a little. “Well, I didn’t expect to see you here.” I nod to the house and she laughs.
“Me either.”
Her voice is sad and she keeps shifting her eyes away from mine. I keep watching her face, looking for something to tell me she’s okay. No matter what’s going on right now, I can’t leave her in a state where she’s not.
My eyes focus on the moving van again and then back to her. “Where are you going?”
She follows my gaze and then sighs. “Arizona. To live with my mom.”
A low whistle escapes me. “That’s pretty far away.”
“Yeah, well it’ll make things easier.” She locks her eyes on mine finally and I take a breath. “I can’t stay here and still find the strength to get over you.”
“You don’t have to leave,” I whisper.
She laughs once, brushing a tear from her eye. “Yes, I do. If I stay I’ll never stop wanting you.” She laughs again, shaking her head. “Who am I kidding? I’ll probably always want you, no matter where I am—but I know I can’t have you anymore.”
Unable to take the look in her eye, I step forward and pull her into my chest. She wraps her arms around me so tight I struggle with my own emotions. Gently, I rub my hand down her back and kiss the side of her head.
“I love you, Sloan. Always, no matter what.”
A sob escapes her and then she whispers, “I love you, too.”
I hold onto her for a long time, even after she stops crying. I think I need it as much as she does. Loving someone the way I love Sloan changes you. Even after it’s over they still get to claim a piece of your heart that you never fully get back. I willingly let her keep it. Despite all the drama we went through, she saved me from myself so many times and she didn’t even realize it.
When I pull back, I run my thumbs under her eyes and smooth back her hair. “You call me when you get there. I want to know that you made it okay.”
She nods, holding onto my forearms. Still holding her face, I lean forward and kiss her forehead. Her chest heaves with a weighted sigh.
“Promise me that you’ll be safe. I worry about you,” she says softly.
I give her a small smile, walking backwards towards my car. “You don’t have to worry anymore. I promise.”
For the first time—I think I actually mean it.
Tess is quiet when I make it back to the shop. She’s like this every time I have any kind of contact with Sloan. She tries to play it off like it doesn’t bother her, but I know it does.
I walk through the door and she’s standing at the front counter. I waste no time making my way over to her and grabbing her by her hips. I lift her up to rest on the wooden top before planting my lips to hers. She hums into mouth and locks her arms behind me neck. Taking my time, I kiss her slowly, working my tongue through every inch of her mouth. When I pull back, she’s practically breathless.
“I’d like for you to greet me that way every time you come home,” she says, tracing my bottom lip with her finger.
I can’t help but smile. “Does that mean you want me to live here?”
Her face flushes and she tries to tuck her head down. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”
I silence her with another kiss. When I’m finished, I gently grab her chin so she can’t hide. “It’s okay, sweetheart. I’d love to spend every day and every night with you.”
“Really?” she asks, her voice small.
I kiss her once more. “Really. You’re going to have a hard time getting rid of me now.”
A smile finally breaks across her face. “I can’t see a problem with that.”
“Good.” I rest my hands on her waist. “I don’t want you to ever worry that I’ll leave again. I won’t.”
“I know,” she says, running her hands along my arms.
“I haven’t always made the best choices, and God knows I tried, but I always looked out for you. You told me you wanted to be the reason for me to quit, but what you didn’t realize is that you’re the reason I’m still here in the first place. I was never meant to walk this world without you.” I cup the side of her face with my hand, looking directly into her eyes. “You know that, right?”
She nods and then whispers, “The same goes for you.”
My thumb runs across her cheek and my eyes focus on the tattoo on my wrist. We only have half of the puzzle left, but the pieces still fit together perfectly. I designed it that way. Even if a piece is missing, the ones that remain will still be whole as long as they have each other.
Her schedule is light today, so when she finishes early we take a drive. Every year since the accident, Tess and I visit Jeremy together on his birthday. Walker never came with us, at least not when I wasn’t in prison. It was something we did just her and I.
I thought I’d feel differently about coming back to the cliffs now considering what went down here a few days ago, but I don’t. It’s still the place I feel the closest to him and that will never change.
Tess holds my hand as we walk to the large rock at the edge of the cliff. I’m thankful she can’t see the images replaying in my mind. A part of me wishes I couldn’t see them either, but it’s a good reminder of the life I no longer want and the one I’m trying to make happen now.
She squeezes my hand. “He would have been twenty-three today.”
I give her hand a squeeze back before pulling it away to wrap my arm around her shoulder, tucking her into my side. “I’ll bet they’re up there celebrating. Causing all kinds of havoc.”
She laughs through her tears, wiping one with her fingertips. “Yeah, I bet you’re right.” She sighs. “I’m glad they have each other. If there’s one thing I can be thankful for it’s that Jeremy isn’t alone anymore.”
The lump in my throat grows tighter, so I can’t say anything back. It’s fucked up that we have to think that way, but it’s those kinds of thoughts that keep us from falling apart.
Tess pulls away from me and sets the flowers she’s holding down on the rock. There are several other bouquets and notes strewn around from
other friends or people who knew him. It’s nice to know his memory is still strong.
I watch her as she kneels on the rock, one hand flat on the stone to keep her steady. She keeps her head down silently for a moment before looking up and whispering, “Happy Birthday.”
When she stands, I pull her back into my arms and kiss her temple. “That was nice, Tess.”
She nods, tears still falling down her. I lean back and place a quick kiss to her lips. “Will you give me a minute? I need to say a few things.”
With a smile, she kisses me once more. “Okay.”
I wait until she walks away before I take a step forward. Clasping my hands in front of me, I take in a breath.
“I can’t believe it’s been another year. Time moves so quickly when you don’t want it to. I wish that were the case when I was gone. Those two years lasted an eternity when I was away from Tess.”
A smirk crosses my face and I laugh. “I’ll bet you’re not surprised things turned out this way. I think you always knew my feelings were strong for Tess. I’m pretty sure anyone could have seen that.” I sigh. “But, I want you to know I’m going to take care of her. I know I already promised you I would, but it’s different now. I get to take care of her in a way I never thought I could and for the first time I’m looking to having a future.”
I take another step, getting closer to the edge. “And I want to give her everything. I want to give her a family that I never thought I deserved. I want to have children with her, and grow old together, and never leave each other’s side.” Choking on my words a little, I clear my throat. “That’s all I ever wanted, and now I get to finally have it.”
Blowing out a long breath, I pull the note I had written to him out of my pocket. Bending down, I set it next to her flowers. “This is for you.” I write him one every year, and although I know he’ll never read it, it brings me comfort to give it to him.
With a silent prayer, I step back from the rock and start walking back to Tess. She’s waiting patiently beside my car. She smiles when I get close enough.