by Uncle John’s
HUSBAND-WIFE
Six months after she got married, Minati Khatua of Rourkela, India, discovered that her husband was actually a woman. She had suspicions that something was wrong because her “husband” would never let her see “him” naked. Khatua finally found out the truth by bursting into the bathroom one day when “he” was taking a bath: The husband had no…husband parts. S/he ran away, taking Khatua’s Jeep and dowry money. S/he remains at large.
TWO ACCIDENTAL DEATHS
•Nancy Lincoln, mother of nine-year-old Abraham Lincoln, died in 1818 after drinking a glass of milk from the family cow, which had been grazing on poisonous snakeroot and passed the poison into the milk.
•A woman from Donetsk, Ukraine, thought she was opening a can of beer she found in a train station, but she was actually pulling the pin out of a grenade. (You know how that goes.) The woman died; 17 other people were injured.
DUH.COM
Furniture.com (1998–2000)
Great Idea: Save shoppers the hassle of going to a furniture store, picking out a table, and figuring out how to get it home.
Fatal Flaw: Only after the site’s owners shelled out a whopping $2.5 million for the domain name did they discover that neither FedEx nor UPS would ship a couch. More-expensive shipping companies were required, which meant that a $200 table cost $300 to ship. Plus, items took an average of one month to arrive at the customer’s home. The company lasted two years, falling apart in 2000. (The site is still live, albeit managed by a different company.)
Kozmo.com (1998–2001)
Great Idea: Deliver anything to anyone at any time.
Fatal Flaw: It cost more to get the products to the customers than the customers had to pay for them. Available in nine U.S. cities, Kozmo offered free delivery of “videos, games, DVDs, music, mags, books, food, basics & more” in less than one hour, with no minimum purchase. That meant that if a stoner wanted a bag of Doritos at 4:00 a.m., a Kozmo driver would have to track down the Doritos and make it to the stoner’s apartment in lightning speed. Despite obtaining $280 million from investors, Kozmo never made a profit. By the time it went bankrupt, it was nearly $20 million in the hole, and its failure put 1,100 people out of work.
Flooz.com (1998–2001)
Great Idea: Start a new form of Internet currency and hire Whoopi Goldberg as spokesperson. With an A-list celebrity endorser on hand, Flooz founder Robert Levitan was able to wrangle $35 million from investors and line up 30 “e-tailers,” including Barnes & Noble and Tower Records. Shoppers could earn “Flooz credits” (like airline miles) and then use the Flooz to buy real stuff at participating merchants.
Fatal Flaw: There already was a form of Internet currency…called “money.” Traded in the form of “credit,” this money was backed by federal agencies and large private banks. Flooz, as far as customers were concerned, was backed by Whoopi Goldberg. (And much of the investment money Levitan generated was used to pay her.) As online shopping became safer in 2000 thanks to encryption software and firewalls, online shoppers preferred to buy directly from the store rather than through a third party. When the company went bankrupt, all existing Flooz credits were nullified and non-refundable. “I am going to cry,” grumbled one former Flooz holder. “I lost about $350. I have a good mind to write to Whoopi Goldberg!”
ON THE JOB
In May 2008, Charles Habib, a laborer with John Roth Paving Pavemasters in New Castle, Pennsylvania, was awaiting a delivery of asphalt with his coworkers when someone found a bowling ball near the parking lot they were repaving. The men had shot-putting contests with the ball for a while, then someone put up a challenge to see if one of them could break the bowling ball with a sledgehammer. Habib grabbed a sledgehammer and cracked the ball with the first blow. The crew foreman spoke up at this point, telling Habib to knock it off, and that he wouldn’t be taking him to the hospital if he was injured. Habib smashed the ball again anyway, and a piece of the ball broke off—and flew straight into his right eye, cutting the eyeball. He required immediate surgery (no word on whether or not the foreman drove him to the hospital), and, worst of all: Habib eventually lost all sight in the eye. (Habib also lost his bid to get workers’ compensation for the on-the-job bowling ball–smashing injury.)
When real estate agent Peter Collard arrived at the six-bedroom house he was trying to sell in Brisbane, Australia, in 2010, he was horrified to discover that half of the yard was dug up and 10 palm trees had been ripped out of the ground. Next to the devastation were two confused-looking workmen and a backhoe. When Collard asked them what they doing, the men quickly loaded the backhoe onto the trailer and, without a word, drove away. According to police, they were digging a swimming pool, but due to an address mix-up, they were at the wrong house. Collard’s insurance company denied his claim for compensation. Cost of the repair: $20,000.
The Pilgrim Nuclear Power Plant was shut down for about a week in 1986. Reason: Some of the plant’s employees were messing around and accidentally threw a rolled-up pair of gloves—a makeshift ball—into a backup safety tank.
On September 18, 1977, the Tennessee Valley Authority had to close its Knoxville nuclear power plant. The plant stayed shut for 17 days, at a cost of $2.8 million. Cause of the shutdown: “human error.” A shoe had fallen into an atomic reactor.
In September 1978, a sailor accidentally dropped a 75-cent paint scraper into the torpedo launcher of the nuclear sub USS Swordfish. The sub was forced to scrap its mission so repairs could be performed in dry dock. Cost to U.S. taxpayers: $171,000.
THE JOHNSTOWN FLOOD
Lake Conemaugh, contained behind the South Fork Dam outside of Pittsburgh, was the private playground of the South Fork Fishing and Hunting Club, organized in the 1870s by steel tycoon Henry Clay Frick as a retreat for the city’s upper crust. The club made several changes over the next decade that weakened the dam, including a wider roadway across the top to accommodate their luxury carriages. This lowered the dam, bringing it only four feet above the spillway that kept it from overflowing.
Heavy rains in May 1889 raised the lake to within a few feet of the roadway. By the morning of May 31, water was pouring over the top. Despite the club’s last-minute attempts to reinforce it, at 3:10 p.m. the dam gave way, sending a 35-foot wall of water and trees—not to mention the remains of the dam—gushing toward Johnstown, 14 miles downstream. Survivors said the sound was “a roar like thunder.”
Ten minutes after the water reached Johnstown, four square miles of the city were gone. Sixteen hundred homes were leveled. An official telegraphed Pittsburgh, saying simply, “Johnstown is annihilated.” All told, 2,209 people died.
PROFESSOR RALPH
A Texas high school science teacher named Brandi Bastas nearly killed herself and her students in September 2012. She was showing the class how to identify certain proteins and amino acids. But she failed to demonstrate how to keep two volatile substances—nitric acid and cyanide—from combining. A little spill from a test tube onto the lab table was all it took.
Bastas told everyone to get away from the table. Then she ran into the hallway and started vomiting. Then one of her students felt a burning rash on his skin. Then another one did, too. Then more had trouble breathing. Describing the scene, student Karin Ortiz said everyone was “freaked out.”
When the teacher and five affected students arrived at the nurse’s office, school administrators thought it might be a good idea to evacuate the classroom and the adjacent rooms. Thankfully, the chemicals dissipated before any serious injuries occurred, but the victims had to be treated at a local hospital.
“BUT SHE FAILED TO DEMONSTRATE HOW TO KEEP TWO VOLATILE SUBSTANCES—NITRIC ACID AND CYANIDE—FROM COMBINING.”
BAD TRIP
The major cities of Europe are not all that far apart geographically, especially since a rail system unites the Continent. In May 1981, the Elthams, a couple from Dover, England, decided to take a day trip to Boulogne, in northern France, a distance of about 70 miles. The
y had a nice time sightseeing and shopping, but because they were unable to read French, they misread street signs and ended up wandering away from the town center and getting lost. Fortunately, they were able to explain the situation to some strangers, who gave them a ride back to the Boulogne train station, where they decided to take a train to Paris. The ticket took up most of the cash they had left.
“AGAIN, AS THEY COULDN’T READ FRENCH, THEY STAYED ON THE TRAIN TOO LONG AND ENDED UP IN LUXEMBOURG, NOT PARIS.”
Again, as they couldn’t read French, they stayed on the train too long and ended up in Luxembourg, not Paris. Having been awake for over 24 hours during their odyssey, they fell asleep on the train ride back to Paris…and woke up in Basel, Switzerland. Swiss police sent them back to Belfort, France, where they were told that in order to make the Boulogne connection, they’d have to get to Montbeliard. Short on funds, they walked…15 miles. The town housed them for free in a hostel and allowed them to call home to Dover, but they couldn’t reach any family or friends.
The Elthams then decided to get temp jobs in Montbeliard to earn money to get back to Dover, but again, they couldn’t speak French, and there were no jobs to be had anyway. After a couple of days, the police escorted them back to Belfort. Once again, the Elthams wandered off and ended up walking 38 miles to Vesoul, from which they took a train into Paris. At the Paris train station, they read the schedules wrong and hopped a train to Bonn, Germany, where German police dumped them out just over the border, in Switzerland.
There, their luck changed. A policeman drove them to Boulogne, where they spent 24 hours in a holding cell explaining their ordeal to customs and immigration officials, who carefully put them on a train back to Dover. Or at least, to just outside of Dover. They walked the final 23 miles home.
4 REAL, UNFORTUNATELY NAMED BOOKS
Scouting for Boys
Pooh Gets Stuck
The Best Dad Is a Good Lover
Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story
PERHAPS I MISSPOKE
Your pick! A Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, news anchor was talking up a local event in February 2012. She meant to tell viewers that they could get tickets online at Picatic.com. Instead, she said “pick-a-dick.com.” She and her fellow female anchor immediately covered their mouths with their hands, then started giggling uncontrollably. The first anchor finally got herself together and repeated the new copy…and made the same mistake again. Bonus: The local event she was talking about was “King of the Kielbasa”—a sausage-making festival. And after she said “pick a dick” the first time, her co-anchor said, “Well, you were thinking about sausage.”
J-Lo-no-no. During a November 2002 episode of his nightly Fox News show, Shepard Smith introduced a segment on singer Jennifer Lopez’s new song, “Jenny from the Block,” which he said was about how Lopez claimed to be just a humble girl from the Bronx. “But folks from that street,” Smith continued, “sound more likely to give her a curb job than a blow ***.” He then quickly blurted, “Block party!” and tried to continue the newscast, then after just a few seconds gave up. “I’m sorry about that,” Smith said, looking pale. “I have no idea how that happened.” Smith later said he “felt the blood go to my toes” when the words left his mouth. He also said, “I had to call my mother and apologize.”
Holly terror. In June 2011, Roanoke, Virginia, news anchor Holly Pietrzak looked into the camera and told her viewers, live, on the air, “More teens are having f—.” A look of horror then took hold of Pietrzak’s face, after which she stammered, “ha-ha-having luck.” She had meant to say, “More teens are having luck finding summer jobs.” Pietrzak apologized at the end of the program, and WDBJ station manager Jeff Marks told reporters that Pietrzak would not be fired, saying what had happened was an honest mistake, adding, “Life goes on.”
Hultural differences. On December 6, 2010, a newsreader on BBC Radio 4 meant to introduce an upcoming guest, “Jeremy Hunt, the Culture Secretary” of the U.K. But he transposed the “c” in “culture” with the “h” in Hunt. What followed was roughly thirty seconds of the host trying to continue with the story, in between nervous coughs, several long pauses, suppressed giggles, and more pretend coughs—he even said at one point, “Sorry, coughing fit”—before more suppressed giggles could be heard, until he finally got it together and continued on with his show. (Including the interview with Jeremy Hunt.) The host apologized later in the episode, saying, “I’m very sorry to anyone who thought it wasn’t what they wanted to hear over their breakfast. Neither did I, needless to say.” The host’s name: James Naughtie.
Later that day, Andrew Marr, host of Radio 4’s Start the Week program, had a panel of guests on to discuss Naughtie’s naughty slip of the tongue, along with “Freudian slips” in general, and promised listeners he wouldn’t be making one himself. He, too, then transposed the “c” in “culture” and the “h” in “Hunt.”
Bomer boner. In October 2009 actor Matt Bomer of the USA Network drama White Collar was on The Today Show. Host Jenna Wolfe introduced him as “Matt Boner.”
Hoosier what now? In December 2011, meteorologist Ashton Altieri of 9News in Denver, Colorado, said to anchor Aaron Matas, “Congratulations on your big hooters.” (He meant to say, “Congratulations on your big Hoosiers win,” referring to Matas’s home-state Indiana Hoosiers basketball team.)
Just plain nuts. In February 2009, CNN’s Zain Verjee told viewers that Northwest Airlines “began serving penis this month.” Further on in the story she informed them that “Georgia is the top penis producing state in the country.” She had meant to say—twice—“peanuts.”
WHO’S THAT GUY?
In a May 2006 financial news segment of BBC News, presenter Karen Bowerman introduced a piece about online music. The camera cut away from Bowerman to a man sitting on a stool as Bowerman said, “Well, Guy Kewney is editor of the technology website NewsWireless.” As Bowerman said those words, the man on camera went wide-eyed, his mouth opened in a big O-shape, and he generally looked like he was about to swallow his tongue.
The man in the stool was not Guy Kewney—he was Guy Goma, who had come by BBC to apply for an IT job. Bowerman’s producer had been sent to get Kewney, had seen Goma, asked him if his name was “Guy.” Goma naturally answered in the affirmative, and he was ushered into the studio. The very best part of this story: Goma decided to go along with it. He actually answered Bowerman’s questions—even though he had no idea what he was talking about.
As soon as the interview was over, Goma explained what had happened—but the segment had been aired live, so there was nothing to be done. The real Guy Kewney—who was in a reception room where had been told to wait—had watched the interview on a TV there in a state of confusion.
FAULTY RESEARCH
In 2001 NASA launched Genesis, a space probe used to sample and observe the solar wind. It successfully took samples and retrieved data, but as it reentered Earth’s atmosphere in 2004, its landing parachute failed to deploy, and the capsule smashed to the ground. The reason for the failure: Two acceleration sensors had been installed backward in the $260 million device.
•NASA launched the Mars Climate Orbiter in December 1998 to study the weather and atmosphere of Mars. The probe was supposed to collect data and radio it back to NASA control centers in Florida. It never happened. That’s because the software used to control the Orbiter were entered in U.S. measurements (inches, feet)—they were supposed to be in metric. As a result, the Orbiter missed its atmospheric entry point and entered too late, burning up on reentry in September 1999. Total cost of the failed mission: $655 million.
•Funded by a generous government grant, the Institute for Animal Health in Scotland spent 1996 to 2001 attempting to determine if mad cow disease was able to cross over from cattle brains to sheep brains. They mainly analyzed and dissected sheep brains they’d suspected had been infected. The program was halted in late 2001 when the scientists realized that the whole time they had been studying cow brains instead o
f sheep brains.
•“Acoustic Kitty” was a top-secret CIA project in the 1960s in which government scientists surgically implanted a cat with batteries and ran an antenna through its tail. The goal: Plant the cat near enemy offices and have it transmit conversations to a receiving station. Before the first cat could be used in the field, it was hit by a car.
YOU’RE FIRED
In 2010 Gene Cranick’s home in rural Obion County, Tennessee, caught fire. Cranick got out of the house, then called the fire department. But fire trucks never came and Cranick’s house burned down. Why? Obion County isn’t large enough to support its own fire department, so residents rely on the emergency services of nearby South Fulton. The trade-off? A $75 annual emergency services coverage fee. Cranick hadn’t paid his fee, so his house burned to the ground.
PUT A RING IN IT
Reed Harris and his girlfriend, Kaitlin Whipple, liked to eat at Wendy’s. So when he decided to propose marriage, the fast-food place was the obvious, if nontraditional, place to do it. Harris, Whipple, and some friends went to Wendy’s one night, with the friends there to record the momentous proposal on their camera phones. Harris’s clever idea: hide the ring in Whipple’s Frosty, Wendy’s extra-thick milkshake beverage.