Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5)

by Cecilia London

  Jack squeezed her hand. “I thought you could tell him what happened to you. Before you told everyone else.”

  Oh, that sounded like a terrible idea. Even if the guy had stopped scowling at her. “Really?”

  “He’s much more sympathetic than he looks.”

  Maybe Schroeder’s apology at their last briefing had been borne out of a more genuine reaction than she assumed. “Are you sure?”

  “You don’t have to tell him,” Jack said quickly. “But I trust him with almost everything.”

  Caroline pressed her palm to her forehead. “You didn’t tell him about our difficulties, did you?”

  He kissed her lightly. “I kept all of that to myself.”

  Bottled it up, corked it, and waxed it shut from what she could tell. Although she assumed he’d talked about some of it with Natalie. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  “None of that.” He kissed her again before unlocking the office door. “Just go with what you feel. Schroeder will know what to do with whatever you tell him.”

  * * * * *

  She held Jack’s hand the entire time. Tried not to cry. It was easier to open up to Schroeder than she thought. They chatted a little, made some stupid small talk, and she promised to make him cookies instead of a pie since Jack kept insisting he never ate properly either. Caroline could have used a bottle of wine in lieu of the water she was offered.

  The younger man asked the right questions. Didn’t press. She didn’t volunteer information and he’d shift topics when he sensed she was getting overwhelmed. Caroline could see why he was such a good assistant. He had more emotional intelligence than she’d given him credit for. Clearly his loyalty to Jack was the driving force behind much of his initial behavior toward her and as she answered his questions as narrowly as possible, he began to soften.

  But of course there were some secrets that had to remain hidden. Some truths that couldn’t be uncovered. She gave him as much as she wanted but not nearly as much as she could. She talked about herself and nothing else. That was enough.

  “Ma’am, may I be blunt?” he asked, after she’d taken him through the last night with Murdock.

  He hadn’t yet let go of formalities. “Can you please call me Caroline?” she asked.

  Schroeder glanced at Jack, then nodded. “All right.”

  She smiled. Informality made her feel more comfortable. Apparently he was the opposite. “I’d tell you to call Commander McIntyre by his first name but he may not be ready for that yet.”

  Schroeder smiled back at her. “I agree. May I ask you one final question?”

  “I don’t see why not.”

  “Have you considered using this information as ammunition against the Santos Administration?”

  Every fucking day, but a loaded gun seems much more practical. “In what sense?”

  He cleared his throat. “You’re a former federal prosecutor.”

  “I am.”

  “You have a loose understanding of international law.”

  “I do.”

  “You are aware of the International Criminal Court, and the various tools available through the United Nations and other NGOs.”

  “Yes.”

  “I believe you should take your story to them.”

  Tribunals. War crimes. Genocide. She knew where he was going. “You think we should let the ICC know what’s going on in the United States?”

  Schroeder straightened his glasses. “Let me be more specific. As you know, we have had difficulty finding compelling reasons for the international community to build coalition with us. Until now, we have never had any concrete proof of what has been happening in Washington. You have direct evidence of conduct that is in violation of any number of international treaties, statutes, and conventions. This is our trump card. If you are able to do it, you need to speak out.”

  She knew the processes. Vaguely. “And how do we do that?”

  “With the backing of the California Republic, we submit written documentation to The Hague for review. They can decide whether it’s worth pursuing.” He cleared his throat again. “Frankly, ma’am, I think it is.”

  Jack had been quiet throughout most of their conversation. And not in a good way. “What do you think of this?” Caroline asked him.

  He squeezed her hand. “Whatever you’re up for.”

  Oh, he didn’t like this development. He didn’t like it at all. Which was strange since it wasn’t a terribly unusual suggestion for Schroeder to make. She was surprised it hadn’t occurred to anyone else before now. “The captain is right,” she said. “You know he is. Tell us your concerns so we can address them now.”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “You went to Nevada with very little protection. We’re lucky no one discovered who you were. You run off to Europe and testify about what happened and there’s no way we can keep your identity a secret. Santos will know you’re alive.”

  She’d have to make sure those bottles of whiskey under the sink stayed capped. He didn’t look too happy. “I can’t stay hidden forever, Jack. If we’re going to take him out, at some point he’s going to discover that I escaped.”

  “I don’t like this.”

  “You don’t have to,” she said gently. “You just have to know it’s the right thing to do.”

  He turned to Schroeder. “Should we open this up to the entire board?”

  Schroeder shook his head. “I think advising them of the process should be sufficient. Commander - Caroline can tell them her story if she so desires.”

  Nice of him to bail her out. And to finally use her first name. “What do we need to do?” she asked.

  Schroeder stood up. “I’ll talk to my contacts in Sacramento and we’ll get the ball rolling. In the meantime, we need to meet with our operative. Who knows? Maybe he’ll have information that’s equally helpful.”

  “Maybe,” Caroline said. “All we can do is try.”

  * * * * *

  “That wasn’t so bad,” she said, after Schroeder went back to his desk.

  Jack lay down on the couch in his office. “I really don’t care for this idea.”

  She shrugged. “I do.”

  “You’ll have to fill out a narrative. Go into more detail than you did with us. Testify. Proffer evidence during a deposition.”

  “I know how the system works, darling.”

  He sat up. “Come over here.”

  She took the seat next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. “We have to do this. We have to do something. The data release isn’t enough. You know it isn’t.”

  “We could wait it out.”

  “This process is going to take months anyway. We may as well start it now.”

  Jack kissed her forehead. “I don’t want anything to erase the progress you made. That we made.”

  She wrapped her arms around him. “Is that what’s bothering you?”

  “Caroline, I know our ultimate goals matter but right now I don’t give a fuck about anything except your well-being. So help me if that makes me selfish.”

  She grinned. “You can’t be selfless all the time. Even a perfect man has to have flaws.”

  He chuckled. “I have to say, I’m quite pleased that your irreverence has reappeared so easily. Just try not to let it peek out during staff meetings.”

  She shoved him down on the couch. “I make no such promises, Commander.”

  He pulled her on top of him, squeezing her ass. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. You don’t have to wear your fatigues, you know. You can wear street clothes.”

  “I like wearing them. Why don’t you wear a uniform?”

  “I don’t know.” He sighed. “I feel like I haven’t earned the right.”

  “Of course you have. And you’d look so good in dress blues. Sexy as hell.”

  “Maybe we can stop at the commissary on the way home so I can pick up some fresh clothes. I take no issue with you ogling me on a regular basis.”

  “I’ll ogle
you, uniform or not but-” She hummed. “I can only imagine what you’d look like pressed and polished.”

  He kissed her neck. “And I can only imagine what you’d look like wearing a hell of a lot less than you’re wearing now.”

  “You don’t have to imagine. You know.”

  Jack kissed her again. “Seriously. Why are you so obsessed with the uniform?”

  “I want to show that I’m the same as the other soldiers.”

  He started to loosen her ponytail. “But you’re not,” he whispered. “You’re in charge. And right now you’re on top.”

  She liked when he spoke in metaphors. “Is that where I belong?”

  He ran his tongue across her jawline. “Absofuckinglutely.”

  She rose to her feet, pulling him up with her. “Now we’re both on equal footing.”

  “I like your style.” Jack bit her neck. “Did I ever tell you how attracted I am to powerful women?”

  Caroline laughed. “That used to be my line.”

  “You’re attracted to powerful women?”

  She shoved him playfully. “You know what I mean.”

  He pulled her back to him. “Can’t you at least wear a skirt suit? You can keep playing up your common woman routine but your ass looks so much nicer in a dress uniform.”

  “I told you, I like the fatigues. They’re comfortable. And I think you’re sexually harassing me, Commander.”

  “I can’t.” He leaned in to kiss her again. “As you noted, we’re equals. And we’re married. That’s not possible.”

  His logic was forever distracting. “I don’t know why you have to play that card. Makes it harder for me to quote EEOC regulations at you.”

  He slid a finger under her collar. “We’re in California. Those rules don’t apply.”

  Caroline rolled her eyes. “Are we going to have sex instead of doing the hard work of the revolution?”

  He started to untuck his polo shirt. “If you want.”

  “In your office?”

  He shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time we engaged in such activity in an office of mine. We need to christen that couch. And my desk. And the floor.” He unbuttoned her jacket. “I don’t know why I didn’t bring you in here sooner.”

  She moaned when he kissed her neck. “Isn’t your assistant right outside the door? He might hear. I can’t keep quiet when you’re doing things to me.”

  Jack stopped what he was doing, tucking his shirt back in. Clearly she’d set something off. “You’re right,” he said. “We should go back to the apartment.”

  Oh boy. That had been quick. What had she said? “Is everything all right?”

  He pulled her into a hug. “I’ll explain later. But I want complete privacy for when I fuck you into oblivion.”

  She grinned. “If you ask me nicely I’ll put on my dress uniform. As long as you’re wearing one too.”

  He opened the door, extending his arm. “I’m holding you to that.”

  * * * * *

  They didn’t bother to do anything other than rip off their clothes when they got back to the apartment. Jack fed her pancakes in bed for dinner. Once they were finished they decided to leave the bedroom and stretch out on the couch. Caroline suspected it was because he wanted to make good on his promise to have sex in every tiny space in their apartment. She’d gladly take him up on it. The dress uniform fantasy could be acted out another night. For now she was quite content to lay in his arms as he twirled her hair around his finger.

  “Do you ever think about what we used to have?” he asked.

  A dangerous question. A big can of worms that didn’t need to be opened. They’d done such a good job of avoiding reality but they couldn’t do it forever. “What you used to have,” Caroline corrected. “I was simply along for the ride, content to spend your hard earned money.”

  “That’s not what I meant. I meant everything.”

  Not just money. Not just sex. Oh boy. He’d thrown her all those bones and he wanted one in return. “Oh.”

  “I think we need to talk about Marguerite and Sophie.”

  Nope. She wasn’t ready for this. Caroline sat up, shifting away from him on the couch. A few glorious days in bed and a shiny new promotion couldn’t fix everything. “I can’t do that.”

  “It might help if you talked about it.”

  Hadn’t they covered this topic before? “No, it wouldn’t.”

  “You don’t talk about any of them – the girls, Christine, your other friends.”

  Because I killed them. “What does it matter? They’re all gone.”

  “I need to talk to you about them. It would help both of us. Your daughters were such wonderful people. And they were so much like you.”

  He kept pressing the issue. She couldn’t blame him. He was right. She was the only one he could trust with his innermost thoughts. “Jack, don’t do this,” Caroline said. “We’ve had such a nice couple of weeks. Don’t wreck it.”

  “We’re getting closer to ending all of this. And you’re getting so good at talking about things. I just thought-”

  Thinking got them both into trouble. Maybe they needed to stop doing it so much. “I can’t talk about that,” she whispered. “Please don’t make me.”

  “I miss them, Caroline. I miss our children. I miss Jen, and Kathleen, and Ellen, and Tom and Jess. I even miss Christine. The only reason I was lucky enough to have them in my life is because of you. I think about them all the time. I miss them.”

  It seemed wrong to deny him an emotional outlet. A sympathetic ear. But she wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. “I don’t want to talk about them.”

  “What happened to them – all of them – isn’t your fault,” Jack said.

  Jesus Christ. He sounded just like Natalie. “The hell it isn’t,” Caroline snapped. “If I hadn’t insisted on causing trouble, they’d all still be here.”

  “You didn’t do that by yourself. We made the decision together. Do you regret it?”

  Almost every day. “I don’t know.”

  He moved closer to her on the couch. “You should not blame yourself, and you should not regret your actions. Understand?”

  How could he say that? Was he unaware of his own cognitive dissonance? “I can’t help it.”

  Jack put his arm around her. “Caroline, we talked about this. God only knows what might have happened if we hadn’t done what we did. It could have shaken out any number of ways and none of the outcomes were good. You know this.”

  Of course he was right. It didn’t make it any easier to digest. And she told herself not to cry but dammit, she hadn’t exactly had an emotionally neutral day. “I-” She bit her lip. “I can’t do this. Please don’t make me.”

  He stared at her, tears in his eyes. “You have to,” he whispered. “We both do.”

  Even with all their emotional upheaval, he hadn’t cried that often. And that was enough to push her over the edge. Caroline let out a sob. “I want them back. I want them all back.”

  He wrapped his arms around her. “I want them back too,” he said shakily. “I miss them so fucking much.”

  She didn’t want to talk. She just needed him to hold her. Even if they were both crying. So she held on and wept with him until he pulled back.

  He rubbed his eyes. “That was cathartic. How do you feel?”

  “Lousy.”

  Jack cupped her cheek. “Beating yourself up doesn’t do any good. You need to stop viewing yourself as a failure. Everything you’ve done up to this point has been nothing short of amazing, including talking to Schroeder today. I am so proud of you.”

  Caroline turned away from him. “I’m not amazing, Jack. I’m not even tolerable. I got my children killed. I got my best friend and her family killed. I don’t see how that makes me anything less than a monster.”

  She expected him to try to encourage her. To talk her out of the moment. It hadn’t happened often lately, but she would still find herself sinking. And she’d catch him sinking as well
. But they never let the other person drop too far before lifting them out.

  “I can’t tell you what it was like,” he said softly. “When I thought you were gone I held out hope that they were okay. That even if I lost you, I could still have them. But all of our connections made it clear. There were no records. They never arrived. And there has never been any activity on their accounts. I died a little when I finally accepted the truth. Thinking you were gone devastated me and knowing they hadn’t survived all but killed me too.”

  “Jack-”

  “I need you, Caroline. I need you to talk about this with me. Even if it hurts like hell we have to do it. We can cry our guts out but we have to process it as well.”

  They couldn’t do it when they were both falling apart. It would do neither of them any good. “Okay,” she said. “But I can’t do it right now. I’ll try. I swear to you, I’ll try.”

  He kissed her again. “That’s all I want.”

  She gave him a watery smile. “Why don’t we head over to the cafeteria and find some friendly faces to cheer us up?”

  Jack patted her hand. “That sounds like a fantastic idea.”

  * * * * *

  They ran into Flaherty in the cafeteria, which worked out well since they were able to hash out the next course of action for the rebellion. Flaherty didn’t seem too shocked that Caroline had spoken to Schroeder; on the contrary, he looked rather pleased.

  “We should move up the meeting with our informant,” he said. “See if he has any valuable information to supplement whatever report you might make.”

  Caroline tapped her fingers together. “He’s ready for that sort of thing? I thought he was still in the hospital.”

  “He’s been outpatient for a few days.” Flaherty cleared his throat. “The two of you were occupied so I neglected to mention it to you. I apologize.”

  She looked over at Jack, who laughed. “Keith, we weren’t that busy,” he said.

  Flaherty grabbed the apple off his tray. “Hold onto that shit when you can. I’m not going to interfere with it.”

  Caroline grinned. As far as the rumor mill went, things were definitely on the upswing. Now that Jack’s advisors were starting to loosen up with her, maybe she could push it a little. “Does the entire base know we’re, you know-”