Rebecca made a face. “No,” she said. “Ugh. This sucks, I’m so tired!”
“I know,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I am, too.”
“Remind me why we thought this was such a good idea again?”
I burst out laughing. “Because it is,” I said, shaking my head. “Besides, are you telling me that you’d rather be out working some minimum wage job?”
“Hey,” Rebecca shot back. “I have a degree.”
“Yeah, so do I,” I said. “And before I sent in my grad school applications, the only place willing to hire me was Starbucks!”
Rebecca snickered. “I know,” she said. “It’s awful.”
“But just a few years, and then we’ll be librarians,” I said encouragingly, pushing my workbook back towards my best friend. “And that’s gonna be awesome.”
Rebecca nodded. She pushed her glasses further up the bridge of her nose. “Yeah,” she said. She sighed. “God, did I tell you? My dad is still trying to get me a job at his stupid firm, even though I don’t want it.”
I frowned. “That sucks.”
Rebecca’s parents hadn’t exactly been supportive of her decision – and mine – to enroll in a master’s program for library science. Since she’d started grad school, there had been no fewer than ten attempts to get her to drop out and “get a real job,” according to her asshole of a father.
“Yeah,” Rebecca said. She sighed. “It just hurts, you know? They’ve always accepted Alex, no matter what he did. He’s the golden child.”
I rolled my eyes. “Tell me about it,” I said, trying hard not to blush at the mention of Alex’s name. Rebecca’s older brother Alex was twenty-eight, gorgeous, and the biggest asshole I’d ever met. At six years my senior, I’d been in awe of Alex ever since Rebecca and I had met in grade school. I’d always nursed a secret crush on him…and he’d always teased me. No, teased isn’t the right word. Teasing implies some kind of friendliness, some hint of warmth.
No. What Alex had done – all of the things he’d done, over the years – had been mocking me, not teasing me.
It wasn’t even close.
“Alex is a special kind of jerk,” I said to Rebecca, tossing my brown curls over one shoulder.
“God, I know,” Rebecca complained. She shook her head. “My parents just like, forgive him for everything! He can’t be stopped,” she added. “It drives me crazy.”
Now that Alex was in my head, I hated to admit it, but I was starting to feel all warm and fluttery.
“I remember the first time I met him,” I said, an unfortunate dreamy quality sneaking into my voice. “He was a jerk, even back then.”
Rebecca frowned. “What happened?”
I flushed. “Oh, it was dumb,” I said. “Don’t worry about it.”
Rebecca nodded. “I should really be getting back to this anyway,” she said, pointing down at her work. “It’s due tomorrow.”
As Rebecca hunched over her work, I closed my eyes and thought back to the very first time I’d ever met Alex Travers.
“Hey, Molly! Over here!”
I glanced around in a panic, looking for my best friend Rebecca. We’d just started sixth grade, and it was the first year we’d be in separate classrooms. I’d been having anxiety about it all summer. My mother had basically told me to stop whining and get over it, that I’d make new friends, that maybe even it would be a good idea to put some space between Rebecca and me.
But that didn’t make me feel any better. I was a shy, nervous wallflower, just like Rebecca. We’d bonded in fourth grade, when a teacher had put us together on a project. Ever since then, we’d been close friends. I didn’t want to face the treacherous world of middle school without her.
“Hey!” I yelled. “How was your first day?”
Rebecca made a face as I pushed my way through the crowd.
“Not good,” she said when I got closer.
I sighed. “Me, neither,” I said. “I can’t believe this, it sucks so much. I wish my mom would call the school and have them put me in your class.”
“I know,” Rebecca said. She groaned. “My stupid brother is late – he’s supposed to be picking me up and taking me home. You want a ride?”
“Your brother?” My heart skipped a beat in my chest. Alex, Rebecca’s brother, was seventeen and a senior in high school. I’d never met him before, but I had seen pictures hanging in the hallway of Rebecca’s house. Alex was the hottest guy I’d ever seen. He looked just like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. Just seeing his pictures was enough to make me feel all hot and squirmy.
“Yeah, Alex,” Rebecca said, tossing her light brown hair over her shoulder and groaning. “I hate him, especially since he started driving! He thinks it makes him like, so cool, but he’s such a loser!”
“Why?” I wrinkled my nose.
“Because Mom and Dad let him get away with murder,” Rebecca said. She pulled her hair into a messy bun, then slung her My Little Pony backpack over her shoulder. I followed into the crowded hall and together, we pushed through the other kids. It was crazy – being with Rebecca always made me feel better, more confident about myself.
I had no idea how I was going to get through this year without her.
I shrugged. “I wish I had a brother,” I said, even though I was secretly happy to be an only child. “I get so lonely sometimes.”
Rebecca glared at me over the tops of her glasses. “You definitely don’t,” she said. “Having a brother sucks. It’s like, the worst thing on earth.”
Late August in New Jersey meant hot and humid days and I could barely breathe as I followed Rebecca outside. A line of cars was parked in front of the school – moms and dads hugging their kids and bundling them into the waiting cars.
“I don’t see him anywhere,” Rebecca said, shielding her eyes from the sun. “You should probably just take the bus.”
“No,” I said quickly.
Rebecca gave me a funny look. “Molly? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I mumbled, my cheeks burning bright red. “I’m fine.”
Rebecca slumped down and sat in a patch of shade on the concrete, crossing her legs over themselves and hunching over her backpack.
“I knew he’d be late,” she said, shaking her head and looking sour. “I told Mom he’d be late, but she didn’t care!”
I knew better than to argue with my friend. As much as I loved being best friends with Rebecca, I didn’t know why she seemed to hate her brother so much. How could anyone hate someone so cute, with that twinkle in his eye? He was pop-star handsome, surely he had to be really friendly and fun.
At twenty minutes past four, the roar of an engine filled my ears. I looked up to see Rebecca’s dad’s Mustang convertible, candy-apple red with the top down. Sure enough, the handsome boy from the photos was behind the wheel. When he saw Rebecca, he honked the horn and smirked.
Rebecca took a long time climbing to her feet. Alex threw me an amused look, then turned to his sister.
“Rebecca!” Alex said, smirking. “I had no idea you were such a little lesbo! Who’s this charming friend?”
“Shut up, Alex,” Rebecca said through gritted teeth. “This is my best friend, Molly.”
Alex made his eyes wide. “Oh, the famous Molly!” He raised an eyebrow and snickered. “I’ve heard so much about you!”
I bit my lip, blushing harder than I’d ever blushed in my life. It was almost as bad as the time I’d wet myself in second grade, right in the middle of the school play Alice in Wonderland.
“Hi,” I said shyly.
“Is that all you can say?” Alex teased. “The way Rebecca talks about you, I would’ve expected a lot more! Still growing out of your baby fat, I see,” he added.
“Shut up, Alex,” Rebecca hissed. “I hate you!”
Alex clucked his tongue and shook his head. “Well, too bad, sis,” he said. “Molly, care to join us?”
Still blushing, I clambered into the tiny backseat. Looking down at my chubby
belly poking out of my shirt, I slunk down low.
“So, Rebecca, fun day at school?”
“Leave me alone,” Rebecca snapped. “I hate you. Just take Molly home.”
“Such anger!”
When Alex pulled up in front of my house, Rebecca got out of the passenger seat and let me out.
“Bye, Molly,” Alex said casually, winking at me. “You’re sexy.”
“Alex!” Rebecca cried, blushing herself. “I told you, leave her alone!”
The last thing I heard as I ran inside was Alex’s cold laughter, filling the air like smoke.
“Earth to Molly!” Rebecca said, snapping her fingers in the air.
I blushed hotly, the memory of Alex’s taunting still lingering in my mind.
“Sorry,” I said quickly. “What did you say?”
Rebecca rolled her eyes. “Okay,” she said. “I can obviously tell you’ve got a thing for someone! You’ve been drifting off all afternoon! Spill,” she commanded, cocking her head to the side and looking at me over the edges of her glasses.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lied. “I don’t have a crush on anyone!”
Rebecca shook her head and laughed. “You are so full of it,” she said. “Just tell me, Mol. You know I don’t care!”
I bit my lip. It’s your brother, I thought, wondering if I could ever confess how I really felt about Alex. But instantly, I knew – there was no way Rebecca would ever be accepting. Even if she didn’t totally hate her brother, she didn’t like her parents for favouring him. And while I knew she was right, it still made me feel a little weird.
"I can't," I said, biting my lip. “I don’t know. I don’t think he’d ever like me!”
“Well, I can’t even give you advice if you won’t tell me,” Rebecca said dryly. She closed her textbooks and leaned back in the chair with a sigh.
I wrinkled my nose. “You’ve never had a boyfriend, either.”
“Hey!”
“Well, it’s true.”
Rebecca looked sheepish. “No,” she said. “But I have had sex, remember?”
“I don’t know what I want,” I said softly.
“If he’s a college boy, he probably just wants sex.”
Again, Alex’s handsome face popped into my mind.
“He’s older,” I said. “Five or six years.”
Rebecca rolled her eyes. “Alex is twenty-eight, and he’s still the biggest pig I’ve ever met. I don’t know how mature most guys are around that age, but I’d expect something better.”
I sighed. “Can we just not talk about your brother for like, ten minutes?” I asked, shaking my head. “It’s not that I don’t like him…”
“I know, you’re sick of my complaining,” Rebecca said. “I’m sorry. I’m just kind of mad – I really wish my family would come around!”
I nodded. “I know.” Suddenly, an image of a guy from school popped into my head. He wasn’t anything like Alex – he was lanky and lean, with dark hair in a braid, but he had smiled at me a couple of times. Once, he’d even told me that he liked my jeans.
“So?” Rebecca raised an eyebrow. “Who is this mystery would-be lover of yours?”
I wrinkled my nose. “Don’t say lover,” I said. “It’s so gross and seventies.”
Rebecca laughed. “Okay. Would-be suitor, then. Who is he?”
I swallowed hard and sat up straight. I’d never been a good liar, especially to Rebecca. I really hoped she’d buy my story.
“His name is Dan,” I said. “He’s the only guy in my class.”
“Oh, really,” Rebecca said. “Hey, I think I know him! Dark hair, always wears those sunglasses?”
I nodded. “Yep. That’s him.”
“He’s cute, he looks like a nice guy,” Rebecca said. “Wait – how do you know he’s older?”
I flushed brightly. “Um, I guessed,” I said. “He just seems to mature.”
To my immense relief, Rebecca nodded. “Yeah, you’re right,” she said. “So, you gonna do it?”
“Do what?”
“Ask him out,” Rebecca said. “God, Molly! You’re so dense sometimes.”
“I don’t know,” I said. My heart was pounding quickly just thinking about it…and I didn’t even like Dan in that way!
“Oh, come on – what do you have to lose?”
I sighed. “I guess you’re right. I’ll think about it.”
Rebecca grabbed my hand and squeezed. “Don’t think about it – just do it,” she said. “Oh, Mol! I’m so proud of you!”
I blushed. “Thanks, I think.”
Rebecca nodded. “Trust me, this is good!” She raised an eyebrow. “Maybe you’ll get a boyfriend!”
I bit my lip. I hope so, I thought. But when I closed my eyes, it was still Alex’s face in my mind.
Chapter Two
Molly
The next day, I took more care than usual with my appearance. Instead of my usual plus-size jeans and flowy peasant top, I put on a cute sundress with sandals. Rebecca showed me how to do a cat-eye with liquid liner, and after the fifth or sixth try, I actually got it to work. With a quick coat of mascara and some lip gloss, I felt like I actually looked cute for once.
I’ve always been fat. I don’t know what it is – Mom never had junk food lying around, and I never had problems with hiding candy. But a bad metabolism runs in my family. It was manageable when I was younger, but at twenty-two and two hundred and ninety pounds, I felt like a whale. It was easily the number one reason why I’d never tried to date. I saw other big girls in relationships, seemingly happy ones. But I could never work up the confidence – I knew that being rejected would absolutely shatter me and what was left of my self-esteem.
Unlike me, Rebecca was slender and slim. Yet she never tried dating either, she was too shy. In our senior year of college, she got drunk at a party and had sex with a guy in her anthropology class. She said it didn’t live up to the hype – that it felt “okay” but not amazing, and that he was too selfish to help her orgasm after she finished. She slept with him a few more times, but broke it off before he ever asked her out on a real date. The whole experience didn’t exactly fill me with anticipation, even if I was obviously jealous of Rebecca’s foray into sexual awakening.
After getting dressed, I had a light breakfast of cottage cheese and a hardboiled egg, then packed my lunch and set off towards campus. I had butterflies in my stomach about Dan, even though I knew it was stupid. I didn’t even like him – why was I so afraid of being rejected? It was completely dumb.
It’s because I’m dumb, I lamented as I climbed onto the shuttle bus that took me the short distance from the apartment I shared with Rebecca to the university where we studied library science. It’s because I’m a dumb fat girl and I won’t ever know what it feels like to fall in love.
The bus was late, and I had to run, breaking into a sweat and ruining my hair as I darted into the building. Class had already begun and I slid into a seat at the front, determined not to look at Dan.
The minutes dragged by. By the time class was over, I was shaking and sweating with my own fear. Finally, the professor called things to a close and gave us all our assignments for the next class. Swallowing hard, I stood up and waited awkwardly by the door.
“Hi, Molly,” Dan said. He smiled at me. “Are you okay?”
“Um, yeah,” I said, shifting my weight from one foot to the other and biting my lip. “I was wondering if you’d want to get coffee sometime.”
Dan laughed. It sounded nervous to me. “I don’t drink coffee,” he said.
“Oh.”
“But I like tea.”
“Tea is fine,” I said quickly. I smiled. “Thanks!” Turning on my heel, I started walking away.
“Hey, Molly!”
Turning around, I flushed when I saw Dan with his arms crossed over his chest. “Don’t you want my number?”
“Oh my god, I’m so stupid,” I said, darting back to Dan’s side. “Yeah. I’m
sorry. You can just put in my phone and I’ll text you.”
I handed my phone over, cringing internally when Dan chuckled at my bright pink phone case. He carefully typed in his number, then handed it back to me. I slipped it in my pocket.
“Okay,” I said. “Um, Friday works for me. What about you?”
“Friday’s no good,” Dan said. “What about tomorrow? Do you have any classes?”
I nodded. “I’m free at four,” I said. “What about you?”
“Me, too. Let’s meet at the student union,” Dan said. “We can always go to Port City Java.”
“Okay. That sounds good.”
Dan nodded. To my relief, he smiled again. “Yeah,” he said. “See you then.”
As I waited for the bus, I tried to untangle my emotions. I wondered how I should be feeling – happy? Relieved? Excited? Some combination of all three.
When I got home, Rebecca was in the kitchen. “Hey!” She yelled. “How did it go?”
“He said yes,” I said. I couldn’t help breaking into a wide smile. “I can’t believe it, but we’re getting coffee tomorrow!”
Rebecca’s eyes went wide. “Wow, tomorrow? You move fast,” she said. “That’s awesome!”
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