by Eirik Gumeny
“Sir,” he said, stepping in fully, “we have a problem.”
“I’ve seen the reports,” rumbled the frozen head. “This is about that thunder god wrecking up all of our licensed properties?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And?” he boomed, his voice like a malfunctioning cannon. “What do you have to say about this that I don’t already know?”
“Well, Mr. Sidney,” began the former Mayan god, still grinning unsettlingly, “Thor Odinson has now ‘wrecked up’ very close to the lower threshold amount of retail needed to justify our swift and unceasing retaliation against him – without damaging our own reputation in the eyes of the public in the process.”
“Hm ...” Walt Sidney, lacking hands, scrunched up his mustache instead and pretended he was stroking his upper lip. “How much more property do we have to let him ruin before we can go completely apeshit bananas on him? I like to think of myself as a consummate professional, but, quite frankly, this Norse knuckledragger is starting to get on my nerves.”
“About five more Sidney Stores,” replied Ah Puch, “or one more theme park in a highly populous area.”
“Let me know when that happens.”
“Yes, sir.”
“In the meantime, take a seat.”
“Sir?”
“It’s time for your performance review.”
“But ... sir ... I was only promoted less than two weeks ago. I only just this morning cracked Loki’s passwords to get most of the files I need to –”
“Sit down, A.”
CHAPTER EIGHTY-SEVEN
Cue the Stirring Speech
[Author’s Note: This entire chapter, like all of Charlie’s recent dialogue, is in actual Morse code. Like, for reals; feel free to translate if you’re bored. If you are using a text-to-speech device, however, and are not actively fluent in Morse code, it might get annoying and you might want to skip ahead a bit. Apologies.]
“boop beepbeepbeepbeep boopboopboop beepboopbeep boopboopbeepbeepboopboop beepbeep boop beepbeepbeep boopboop beep boopboopbeepbeepboopboop boopbeepboopbeep beepbeepbeepbeep beepboop beepboopbeep beepboopbeepbeep beepbeep beep beepboopbeepboopbeepboop beepboopbeepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeep boop beep boopbeep boop boopboopboop boopboop beep boopboopboopbeepbeepbeep boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepbeepbeepbeep beepboop beepbeepbeepboop beep boop boopboopboop beepbeepbeep boop boopboopboop beepboopboopbeep beepboopboop beepbeepbeepbeep beepboop boop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beep boopbeepbeep boopboopboop beepbeep boopbeep boopboopbeep beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeep boopboopboop beepboopboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beep beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeepboop beepboopbeep boop beepbeep boopbeep boopboopbeep beepbeep boopbeep boopbeep boopboopboop boopbeepboopbeep beep boopbeep boop 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beepboopbeepbeep beepboop boop beep beepboopbeep beepboop beepboopbeepbeep boopbeepbeep beepboop boopboop beepboop boopboopbeep beep boopboopbeepbeepboopboop boop beepbeepbeepbeep boopboopboop beepboopbeep beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beep boopboopbeep boopboopboop beepbeep boopbeep boopboopbeep beepboop beepbeepboopbeep boop beep beepboopbeep boopbeepboopbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeepboop beepbeep beepboopbeepbeep beepbeep beepboop boopbeep beepbeepbeep boopboopbeepbeepboopboop boopbeepboopbeep beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeep beepboopbeepbeep boopbeepbeep beepboopbeep beep boopbeep boopboopbeepbeepboopboop beepboopboopbeep beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beepboopboopbeep boopboopboop beepbeepbeep beep beepbeepboopbeep beepbeepboop beepboopbeepbeep beepboopbeepbeep boopbeepboopboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boop beep beepboopbeep beepboopbeep beepbeep boopbeepbeepbeep beepboopbeepbeep boopbeepboopboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boop beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeep boopbeep boop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepbeepbeepbeep beepboop beepbeepbeepboop beep boop boopboopboop boopbeepboop boopbeep boopboopboop beepboopboop boop beepbeepbeepbeep beepboop boop boopboopbeepbeepboopboop beepbeepbeep boopboopboop boopboop beep beepboopboop beepbeepbeepbeep beep beepboopbeep beep beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beep boopbeep boopboopboop boop beepboop boopbeep beepbeepboop boopbeep beepboopbeep beep beepboopboopbeep beep boopbeep boop beepboop boopbeep boop boopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep boopbeepbeep beep beepboopbeep beep beepboopbeep beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beep boopbeep boopboopboop boop beepboop boopboop boopboopboop boopbeep beepbeepbeep boop beep beepboopbeep beepboopbeepboopbeepboop beepbeep boopbeepboop boopbeep boopboopboop beepboopboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beep beepbeepbeep boop beepbeep beepboopbeepbeep beepboopbeepbeep beepbeepboop beepboopboopbeep beepbeepbeep beep boop beepboop boopbeepbeepbeep boopboopboop beepbeepboop boop boopbeepboopbeep beepboop boop beepboopbeep beepbeep boopbeep beepboop boopboopbeepbeepboopboop beepboopboop beep beepboop beepboopbeepbeep beepboopbeepbeep beepboop beepboopbeep beep boopboopbeepbeepboopboop boopbeepbeepbeep beepbeepboop boop boop beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeep boopbeep boop boop beepbeepbeepbeep beep beepboopboop beepboop boopbeepboopboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beep boopbeep boopboopboop boop boopboopbeep boopboopboop beepbeep boopbeep boopboopbeep boop boopboopboop boopbeepbeepbeep beepboopbeep beepbeep boopbeep boopboopbeep beepbeepbeepbeep beep beepboopbeep boopbeepbeepbeep beepboop boopbeepboopbeep boopbeepboop boopboopbeepbeepboopboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beep boopbeep boopboopboop boop boopboopbeep boopboopboop beepbeep boopbeep boopboopbeep boop boopboopboop beepbeepboopbeep beep beep beepboopbeepbeep boopbeepbeepbeep beep boop boop beep beepboopbeep beepboop boopbeepbeepbeep boopboopboop beepbeepboop boop beepbeep boop beepboopboop beepbeepbeepbeep beep boopbeep boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beep boopbeepbeep boopboopboop boopbeep beep beepbeep beepbeepboopbeep boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop boopbeepboop beep beep beepboopboopbeep boopboopbeep boopboopboop beepbeep boopbeep boopboopbeep boopbeepbeep boopboopboop beepboopboop boopbeep boop beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeep beepboopboopbeep beepboop boop beepbeepbeepbeep beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeepbeepbeep beepbeep beepboopbeepbeep beepboopbeepbeep boopbeepboopboop beepboop boopbeep boopbeepbeep beepbeep beepboop beepboopbeep beep beepboopboop boopboopboop beepboopbeep boopbeepboop beepbeep boopbeep boopboopbeep boopboopboop boopbeep beep boopbeepbeepboop beepboopboopbeep boopboopboop beepbeepbeep beepbeep boopbeep boopboopbeep beepboopboop beepboop beepboopbeepbeep boop beepbeepbeep beepbeep boopbeepbeep boopbeep beep boopbeepboopboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop beepboopbeepbeep beep boop beepbeepboop beepbeepbeep beepbeepbeepbeep beep beepboopbeepbeep beepboopboopbeep boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop beepboopboop beep boopbeepboopbeep beepboop boopbeep beepboop beepbeepbeepboop beep boopbeep boopboopbeep beep boopbeepboopbeep beepboop boop beepboopbeep beepbeep boopbeep beepboop beepboop boopbeep boopbeepbeep boopbeepbeepbeep boopboopboop beepboop boopbeep boopbeepbeep boopboop beepboop beepboopbeep boop boopbeepboopboop beepboop boopbeep boopbeepbeep b
eepboopboop beepbeepbeepbeep boopboopboop boopbeepboop boopbeep boopboopboop beepboopboop beepbeepbeep beepboopboop beepbeepbeepbeep boopboopboop beep beepboopbeepbeep beepbeepbeep beep beepbeep boopbeep beepboop boopboop beep beepboop boopbeep beepbeep boopbeep boopboopbeep beepbeepboopbeep beepbeepboop beepboopbeepbeep beepboopboop beepboop boopbeepboopboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop beepboopboop beep boopbeepboopbeep beepboop boopbeep beepbeepbeep boop boopboopboop beepboopboopbeep beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeep boopboop boopboopbeepbeepboopboop beepbeep beepbeepboopbeep beepboopboop beep beepboopboop boopboopboop beepboopbeep boopbeepboop boop boopboopboop boopboopbeep beep boop beepbeepbeepbeep beep beepboopbeep boopboopboop boopbeep boop beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeep beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeepbeep boopboopboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepbeepboop boopbeep boopbeepbeep beep beepboopbeep beepbeepbeep boop beepboop boopbeep boopbeepbeep beepbeepboopboopbeepbeep boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop boopbeepboopbeep beepboop boopbeep boop beepbeepbeep boop boopboopboop boopboopboop beepboopboopbeep boop boopboopboop beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeep beepboopbeepbeep beep beepbeepbeepboop beep beepboopbeepbeep boopboopbeepbeepboopboop beepboopboopboop beepbeepboop beepbeepbeep boop boopboop beepboop beepboopbeep beepboop beepbeepboop boopbeepbeep beepbeep boopbeep boopboopbeep beepbeepbeep beep beepboopbeepbeep beepbeepboopbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeep beepbeepbeepbeep beepboopbeepbeep boopbeepboopboop boopboopbeepbeepboopboop beepboopboop beepbeep boop beepbeepbeepbeep boopbeep boopboopboop boopbeepboopbeep boopboopboop boopbeep boopbeepboopbeep beep beepboopbeep boopbeep beepbeepbeep beepbeepboopbeep boopboopboop beepboopbeep beepboopboop beepbeepbeepbeep boopboopboop beep beepbeepbeepboop beep beepboopbeep boopboopbeep beep boop beepbeepbeep beepbeep boopbeep boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beepboopboop beepboop boopbeepboopboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepbeepbeepbeep beep beepboop beepboopbeep boopboop beep boopboopbeepbeepboopboop boop beepbeepbeepbeep boopboopboop beepboopbeep beepbeepboopboopbeepbeep boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep beep boopbeep boopboopboop boopbeepbeepbeep beep boop boop beep beepboopbeep boop beepbeepbeepbeep beepboop boopbeep beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeep boopboop beepboopbeep beepbeep boopboopbeep beepbeepbeepbeep boop boopbeep boopboopboop beepboopboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeep boopboopboop boopbeepbeepbeep beep boop boop beep beepboopbeep boop beepbeepbeepbeep beepboop boopbeep boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboopbeep boopbeepbeepbeep beepboopbeep boopboopboop boop beepbeepbeepbeep beep beepboopbeep beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeepbeepbeep beepbeepboop boop beepbeep boopbeepboop boopbeep boopboopboop beepboopboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepboop beepboopbeep beep boopboopbeepbeepboopboop boop beepbeepbeepbeep boopboopboop beepboopbeep beepboopbeepboopbeepboop boopbeepboopboop boopboopboop beepbeepboop beepbeepbeepbeep beepboop beepbeepbeepboop beep boop boopboopboop boopbeepbeepbeep beep beepboopbeepboopbeepboop”
“Charlie,” replied Thor, his cell phone between his cheek and his shoulder, “for the last Odin-shitting time, I don’t speak Morse code. Is Vicky there? Put Vicky on.”
CHAPTER EIGHTY-EIGHT
Seriously, Why Are You in the NFC East, Anyway? Go to Hell, Dallas
Thor Odinson stood amidst the burning remains of the Walt Sidney Smith & Wesson Jerry Jones Presents the Dallas Cowboys Stadium (Brought to You by Remington and Whataburger), the enormous Jumbotron behind him, half-buried in the field and tilted like a drunken monolith, the screen a maze of spiderwebbing cracks and flickering football highlights. The burly blonde man had one foot ankle-deep in the chest of an animatronic Tony Romo replica, sparks snapping and hissing up his leg, high atop a pile of dozens of other dismembered and malfunctioning officially-licensed Dallas Cowboys Mobile Tourist Information Automatons, wires and flames and unending recitations of football statistics flailing and burning and droning on into the smoke-filled sky. In one hand Thor held his hammer; in the other, raised, the head of a Lindsey Louse plush toy, torn roughly at the neck, stuffing raining down like fluffy hail.
“Walt Sidney!” boomed the Norse God, the sky thundering around him, a chorus of bowel-loosening echoes, the rising smoke shivering with each word. “Come and get me, you ancient, frozen, ugly, stupid, incontinent, corpse-humping, bestiality-endorsing, non-consensual anal fingering of a jagweed!”
For good measure – in case his point wasn’t made – the thunder god called a terrific tower of lightning straight down through himself, utterly exploding the pile of Dallas Cowbots and sending pieces of Jumbotron into the crumbling heaps of seats and snack bars.
“You see that, you unasked-for rimjob?!” he bellowed. “You –”
“Well?” asked Walt Sidney, flipping off the wall television from a button within his jar and then bobbing around to face Ah Puch.
The Mayan death god scrolled through his tablet. “He’s certainly done enough damage to warrant a legal –”
“No,” said the frozen head, gritting his teeth. “No, A, now it’s personal. That cretinous oaf of a pigfucker called me incontinent. Incontinent! You heard that, right? He knows I don’t have a large intestine! Everyone knows that! He was saying those things on purpose, to rub his working excretory organs in my face.”
“Sir, I don’t –”
The frozen head growled like a hundred starving, poorly-trained pit bulls. “Requisition Item YS-97 from the warehouse, and then have everyone –” He stopped, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. “No, strike that last part, A. I have a company to run. Have Báthory, Ukko, special security, and that big guy from IT meet me at the warehouse. And a couple of the more homicidal imps from facilities.”
“Yes, Mr. Sidney,” replied the god with resignation.
“And the feral zombies we have caged up in the labs, and whatever werewolves we can spare.”
“Yes, Mr. Sidney.”
“You’re in charge while I’m gone, A,” said the cryogenically-preserved CEO. “There’s a pile of agricultural land acquisition forms that need to be approved.”
“With pleasure, sir.”
The frozen head narrowed his eyes. “Don’t fuck this up.”
“Yes, sir. Although, if I may, sir ...”
“Out with it,” barked Walt Sidney.
“Well ... if I’m being honest ...” began the smiling god, “I’m a little perplexed and preoccupied by the fact that you did not seem offended by the corpse-humping, bestiality-endorsing components of the Norseman’s insult.”
“What? Those?” scoffed the head, a little too dismissively. “How would I even hump a corpse?”
“That seems like a strange answer, sir.”
CHAPTER EIGHTY-NINE
I Think We’re Parked, Man
Chester A. Arthur XVII, now upgraded to a touch-free garbage can full of electronics mounted to a motorized scooter, clicked off the television, dialed a few numbers in his head, and called the only person who might be able to help rein in Thor.
“Hello?” replied Jesus Christ.
“beepboopboopboop beep beepbeepbeep beepbeepboop beepbeepbeep beepbeepboopboopbeepbeep”
“Hello? Is somebody there?”
“beepbeepbeep boopboopboop boopbeep boopboopboop beepbeepboopbeep beepboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop beepboopbeepboopbeepboop”
“Is this my answering machine? How are you calling me, man?”
The robot, as begrudgingly as a sentient pile of mechanical scraps could, transferred the call to Queen Victoria XXX’s cell phone.
“Jesus?” she said.
“Yeah, hi,” replied the Son of God. “What’s up?”
“We need your help.”
Jesus sighed deeply, like a stoner full of Doritos and Mountain Dew getting up from a very comfortable spot on the couch. “You know my rates, right?” he asked.
“We know.”
“And my Hawaiian pizza?”
“Jesus Christ,” she replied, rolling her eyes, “you’ll have your pizza. Don’t you worry your pretty little head abou
t it.”
“So you’ve seen my headshots then?” replied one third of the Christian trinity. “I’m available for, like, anything, man. Commercials, bar mitzvahs, you name it.”
CHAPTER NINETY
Quick, Someone Find Some Clay and a Pottery Wheel
Thor Odinson, covered in human, dinosaur, and robot innards, had pulled the motorcycle he stole from William H. Taft XLII into a truck stop on the outskirts of the Houston Crater, gorged himself on gourmet hamburgers – paid for with the money he stole from William H. Taft XLII – and then stepped into the spotless, gleaming public shower.[xlix]
As the six-and-a-half-foot tall slab of man lathered up in the lukewarm water, the ghost of Catrina Dalisay appeared behind him.
“Boo,” she said.
The thunder god turned slowly, hands lost in a cloud of shampoo atop his head.
“Catrina? Is that you?” He beamed like a flashlight in a deprivation chamber, then immediately squinted as soap dripped into his eye. “What are you doing here? I thought –”
“Billy’s guys fixed the phantasmagraphic spectrum,” she explained. “Turns out there was a box of secrets after all.”
“Told you.”
“No, you did–” Another droplet of shampoo kamikazed into Thor’s eye, sending his head shaking like a paint mixer. “Dude, rinse off. I can wait. I’ve got all the time in the world. Like, literally.”
“Right.”
Thor quickly did as instructed. Then he stepped from the shower, dripping, sans towel, and resumed his conversation with the ghost of his best friend in the tiled changing area, which, due to a few unfortunately placed mirrors, placed him in clear view of the rest of the truck stop.