I stayed in the shower until the water had turned cold. By now, my body was quivering and I was a complete mess. I was sitting on the seat in my shower with my head hung low and my hair dripping wet. My hands covered my face and I felt like I couldn’t even move.
“You . . . you left the door open,” Roc said. I heard the shower door slide open, but I didn’t say a word. Right now I could have killed him. I often wondered what made Vanessa as angry as she was, and now a part of me understood her actions. Being screwed over and lied to by a man definitely wasn’t any fun.
“Dez,” Roc said, touching my hand and trying to move it away from my face. “I’m sorry. But can I tell you why I did what I did?”
I really didn’t care, only because there was nothing he could say that would ever repair this kind of damage. I removed my hands from my face, trying to wipe my face clean. Roc squatted down beside the shower, trying to explain his actions.
“Maybe I should have told you this, but I’ve been upset with you for a while. Only because you didn’t tell me that Ronnie approached you at the hotel, basically threatenin’ my life and yours. I couldn’t understand why you didn’t say nothin’ to me, but it bothered me that you didn’t. As a woman who is supposed to love me, you need to have my back. When somebody—anybody—get at you with some shit like that, it is imperative for you to say somethin’. You made me feel as if I couldn’t trust you, so I was like fuck it. I felt as if you wasn’t givin’ me your all, so I decided not to give you my all.”
I still had nothing to say. Roc could sit next to me and explain his mess until he was blue in the face, and it wouldn’t even matter. He knew damn well that he had never stopped seeing Vanessa. Whether I had told him about Ronnie or not, what happened today would have happened anyway. Roc reached for the faucet to turn off the water. He squatted next to me again.
“The truth about Vanessa, here it is. Yes, I was dippin’ and dabbin’ in that every blue moon. Nowhere near as much as you think, only because I wanted to do right by you. When I found out that you neglected to tell me about your conversation with Ronnie, I went back to the woman I felt safe with. Vanessa would lay her life on the line for me, Dez, and anytime Ronnie has said some shit that affected me, she’s told me. Even so, I didn’t want to be with her. I wanted to be with the woman who was helpin’ me grow into a better man and encouragin’ me to live a better life. The one who captured my muthafuckin’ heart like no one had ever done before. I’m so sorry for what your eyes witnessed today, but I did it because I was hurtin’ inside too.”
Roc waited for a response, but I still didn’t have one. Obviously, he was with the right woman if she was willing to lay her life on the line for him, because I wasn’t willing to do so. I closed my eyes again, rubbing my forehead and hoping that he would leave.
He stood up, placing his hands into his pockets. “Lastly, I wasn’t the one who killed Mississippi, but, yes, I do know who it was. He owed someone close to me a lot of money, and shit happens when you don’t pay up. The bruise underneath my eye and the scratch on my neck was from Vanessa. She was upset because I told her I was spendin’ Christmas with you and Chassidy. I didn’t want to come over because I knew you’d question me about my marks. When Vanessa came to my place, I was upset with you, again, about not knowin’ what you would do with information about Mississippi. It’s shit like that, Dez, where you leave me with too many unanswered questions about you. If this is a wrap, so be it.”
Roc left the bathroom, and I wasn’t sure if he had left. When I heard the front door shut, I figured he had.
Chapter 8
I stood in the foyer, reading another letter that had been mailed to me. The words were a little different this time.
Yous a dead Bitch
it said with a smiley face sticker. I tore up the letter and threw it in the trash. A part of me felt as if the letters were coming from Ronnie, but could a man as old as he was act so darn childish? I wasn’t sure, and the thought of the letters coming from Vanessa had crossed my mind as well.
While in the kitchen, I gazed out at the backyard, watching Latrel and Chassidy make a snowman. Seeing them together always pleased my heart and I had to do whatever was necessary to protect them. In this case, calling the police to report the letters wasn’t an option, and I didn’t want to involve them because I’d have to mention Roc. I’d never had a gun in the house, but a few weeks ago I’d gone to get one. If I had to use it, I would do it in a heartbeat. Ronnie didn’t seem like the kind of man that I could take lightly, and I was starting to worry more about his threats. Maybe it was a good thing that Roc and I weren’t seeing each other anymore, but the letter that came today proved that someone wasn’t backing down. No doubt, Ronnie hated me with a passion, and to be honest, the feeling was very mutual.
As soon as I took a sip from my coffee, the phone rang. I picked up, but no one answered.
“Hello,” I said again. No reply. “You know, I could get my number changed, but I won’t. Whoever this is, you don’t scare me. Show your damn face, you coward. And when you do, you’d better believe I’ll have something waiting for your ass.”
I slammed down the phone. Even though I was afraid, I would never show it. I just took a deep breath, hoping that this matter would quickly resolve itself.
Like in the past, Roc called to say he would give me time to get my thoughts together and not pressure me about what I ultimately decided to do. Time was in no way what I needed, because I already knew that our relationship was a done deal. It was hard for me to swallow, and I knew that I still had to deal with Roc because of Chassidy. I also had to see him from time to time at work, and, by now, I had expected him to give up on his job. In no way did he need to be working, and it was obvious that there was still some moving and shaking going on behind the scenes. With him keeping his job, I figured he was just trying to prove something to me.
The new year had swooped in so fast, and, if you blinked, you missed the month of January. My birthday was in March, and I couldn’t believe that I would be turning forty-three. I didn’t quite feel it yet, and didn’t look it, either. That was a good thing.
In August of this year, Latrel would finally be a senior. He wouldn’t graduate until the following year, but time had definitely gotten away from me. He was still playing basketball, but he seemed to focus more on his engineering degree. His visits home had slacked up a bit, simply because he was starting to spend more time with his girlfriend. I was a little upset about that, but Latrel had a life to live and I had to accept that. Reggie had been griping about how much time Latrel had been spending with his girlfriend too. When he told me Latrel had mentioned getting married, I was stunned.
“Married?” I said over the phone, talking to Reggie. “Are you serious?”
“Very. I’m just warning you. I have a feeling about this one. There is something in our son’s eyes that I’m seeing and I know what that means. He’s in love with Angelique, and I would put some money on it.”
“I think he’s in love too, but I don’t know about this marriage thing. It’s too soon. He hasn’t even known her for a year yet, has he?”
“He’s known her for a while, but they started dating a while ago. I didn’t call to get you uptight, and like I said, I just wanted to warn you.”
I thanked Reggie for the heads-up, and eyeballed the phone after I ended our call. I picked it up to call Latrel, then decided to put it back down. What’s gon’ be is gon’ be, I kept telling myself. I didn’t know why I seemed so frustrated about this, but I guessed I just didn’t want Latrel to make the many mistakes that his father and I had made.
It was back to work for me on Monday. When I got to my desk, there was a note on my computer. The note was from Roc, asking me if he could stop by after work to see Chassidy. It had been a little over three weeks since I’d had a conversation with him about her. Even though I debated in my mind what to do, I didn’t want to keep them apart. I immediately called Roc’s cell phone and he answered.
>
“Yes,” I said. “That will be fine.”
“I can come over?”
“Roc, you are welcome to come and see your daughter anytime you wish. She misses you too, and I would never prevent you from being a part of her life.”
“’Preciate it. I’m leavin’ work early today because I gotta go handle some business. I’ll see y’all around six, no later than seven.”
“Sure.”
I kept myself busy at work just so I wouldn’t think about my situation with Roc and Chassidy. I had a feeling that he was going to use her to get to me, and I had to make sure he could never slip through the cracks. A part of me still felt a little vulnerable, but that didn’t stop me from cutting off my connections with Roc. Regardless, we had to make peace with this situation and realize that it wasn’t about us anymore, it was about our daughter.
Around 6:30 P.M., the doorbell rang and I made my way to the door. Chassidy and I had been in the kitchen finishing dinner, where I had some fried pork chops, string beans, and mashed potatoes. I opened the door and Roc came inside with a teddy bear and card in his hand.
“Before you chew me out, the teddy bear ain’t for you. It’s for Chassidy, all right?”
I smiled, inviting Roc inside. He went into the kitchen, giving Chassidy her teddy bear and opening her card so he could read it to her. I started to clean up the kitchen, and before I had finished, Roc had taken Chassidy to her room so they could have some alone time. This situation felt so awkward. In the past we could always sit around each other, laughing, joking, and having fun. I certainly didn’t want to give Roc the wrong idea about us, and, for now, things had to be left as they were.
Roc played with Chassidy for a while. They watched TV in the den together; he helped her put together a puzzle, and chased her around the house with a hand puppet. I was lying across my bed, reading a book, when she came running in the room screaming because Roc was trying to scare her with Oscar the Grouch.
“Roc, don’t scare her with that thing,” I said.
“She’s not scared. We just playin’.” Roc stood at the end of the bed and Chassidy jumped into his arms. It was getting late, so he carried her to her room, telling me that he was going to tuck her in.
Fifteen minutes later, he came back into my room and stood in the doorway. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m leavin’. Thanks for lettin’ me stop by, and I figure maybe I can make arrangements with you to drop by on Tuesdays and Thursdays, if that’s okay with you. I know how you feel about her comin’ to my place, and since things ain’t always smooth on my home front, I’d rather come over here to spend time with her.”
“You know I’m not going to argue about that, and Tuesdays and Thursdays sound fine.”
Roc hesitated, then walked farther into the room with his hands in his pockets. “Are you ready to talk to me yet about what happened and about what you’ve decided to do? I’m real interested in what you got to say.”
I lowered my book and took off my reading glasses. “There’s no need for us to talk about what happened. It’s over and done with. You already know what I’ve decided. I’m not going to continue to play this back and forth game with you. It gets tiresome, and, for an old lady like me, it’s played out.”
Roc snickered and moved closer. “What you got planned for your birthday, old lady? Can I take you out to dinner or somethin’?”
“No, but thank you. I’ll be right here on my birthday, and if it falls on a Tuesday or Thursday, maybe I’ll see you then.”
“It’s on a Tuesday. Enjoy your book and I’ll see you tomorrow at work. Remember tomorrow is Tuesday, so I’m comin’ back this way again.”
Every single Tuesday and Thursday, Roc showed up to spend time with Chassidy. Sometimes, I would leave and go to Schlafly Library or the Galleria, just to give them some time alone together. No doubt, he’d kept his word about spending time with her and about keeping his job. Sometimes, he brought Li’l Roc with him to visit, and the farthest they would go was to some of the playgrounds in my neighborhood or to the grocery store to buy junk. I had become more relaxed with the situation and was glad that Roc hadn’t suggested doing more than what he was already doing.
The day of my birthday, Mr. Anderson had ordered me a cake and many of my coworkers had come to my desk to get a piece. Monica had sent me some flowers, and so had Latrel and also Reggie. Needless to say, my desk was full of love and I felt pretty darn special. I packed up everything around 3:00 P.M., leaving for the day. I picked up Chassidy early from daycare and headed home to cook dinner. Since it was Tuesday, I knew Roc was coming over and I suspected that he would bring Li’l Roc with him. We had spoken earlier and I mentioned that I had plenty of cake left. Arriving at his normal time, Roc got there around 6:30. Li’l Roc was with him and he couldn’t wait to tear into the cake I had placed on the table. I told him and Chassidy to have at it, and what did I say that for? Cake was everywhere, leaving me with one big mess to clean up. As I walked over to the sink to get a rag, Roc asked me to follow him into the den. I was still able to keep my eyes on the kids, so I went to the den to see what he wanted. He gave me two boxes and a card.
“Here,” he said. “This is what Li’l Roc picked out for you. He would have given it to you, but, as you can see, he’s too busy with that cake.”
I opened the card first, reading what Li’l Roc had written in his own handwriting:
Happy Birthday Miss Dez. I love you very much and thank you for being like a 2nd mama to me. Sometimes I wish you were my 1st mama but I know you can’t be. Thanks for my little sister 2 and you are a wonderful family.
I closed the card where he had written the names of me and Chassidy on the images of the woman and little girl on the card. My eyes watered, but I held back my tears. I swallowed the lump in my throat and opened the box, which contained a cross with diamonds. I was so touched, and stood up to go give Li’l Roc a hug and kiss.
“Wait a sec,” Roc said. “Can you open my gift before you go back into the kitchen?”
“I told you not to do anything for me, Roc. And I don’t want you spending your money on me, either.”
“I didn’t spend that much money on you, so just chill, all right?”
At his request, I opened the other box, and couldn’t help but smile when I saw my favorite sundress inside. I knew he had to go to hell and back to find one exactly like the one he’d torn, and his efforts impressed me.
“Thank you,” I said, looking up at him.
“Are you goin’ to wear it for me tonight? I hope so.”
I had no response and ignored his question while I opened the envelope inside of the box. There was a beautiful card, along with a cashier’s check for $12,000. I held it in my hand, wondering what it was for.
“I’ve been saving my checks for Chassidy’s education. That’s my hard-earned money, so I don’t want you trippin’ with me about it. Every dime that I make will be for her, all right?”
I was speechless, and this was a very tough situation. I loved and appreciated so much about him, but then there was a side of him that I could in no way cope with. Roc stepped up closer to me and reached into his pocket. My heart dropped, as I thought he was going to pull out a ring. Instead, he pulled out a piece of folded paper. He unfolded it, then let out a deep sigh.
“You’d better not laugh at me. And if you do, I’m never doin’ this shit again.”
I didn’t know what the note said, but in no way would I laugh at something he’d written. “Go ahead,” I said, watching him look over the paper. “Read it.”
He cleared his throat. “What is Black love and what does it really mean to me? For years, I thought that Black love represented drama and disrespect. In order to get somewhere as a black couple, there had to be pain or no gain. My partner didn’t have to show love, ’cause she didn’t know love. And if we ever had to go to blows with each other, then that just meant we were angry because we couldn’t bear to be without each other. Yeah, that’s what I thought
, but for all of these years, I have been wrong about Black love. Dead wrong. Now, I know better, ’cause true Black love is alive in me. I feel love like I have never felt it before, and it’s so energetic that it takes over my mind, body, and soul. It makes me laugh when I want to cry, it makes me strive harder when I want to give up, it causes me to be real with myself, as that is sometimes so difficult for me to do. Even in my darkest hours when I feel hopeless, or if I don’t want to go on, the feeling of Black love picks me up and lets me know that I must move forward. Yeah, I finally get it, but I hope Black love don’t give up on me, because I will never give up on it.”
Roc folded the paper and seemed embarrassed to look at me. “That was nice,” I said with tears in my eyes. “I have to ask, but did you write that? I mean, you just don’t seem like the type of person who—”
“Yes, I wrote it. I know it was corny and everythang, but I just wanted to share with you my thoughts that I often write on paper. I did a lot of writin’ when I was locked up, too, and these are my real thoughts, ma. I wanted to take this opportunity on your B-day to share that with you, even though we got some serious problems in this relationship.”
“Thanks for sharing, your words were beautiful. I really don’t know what else to say, but I will never give up on Black love either.”
I stood up, giving Roc a hug. He squeezed me tight and kissed my cheek. “You’ve had your back turned, but when you turn around, please do not be mad at me.”
Full Figured 3: Carl Weber Presents Page 11