He hung up, leaving me fuming inside. In no way was I against him getting married, but Latrel needed to wait. He was moving way too fast, and just two years ago he was claiming to be in love with someone else. It reminded me so much of the situation Reggie had put himself in. I was concerned about Latrel following that path. I called Reggie at work, ready to chew him out for . . . nothing.
“Would you please talk to your son?”
“I have, Dee, but it’s his life and we have got to let go. I know how hard this is for you, but, baby, it is his choice. We got married right after college, and if he wants to do it a year sooner, so be it. Why are you stressing yourself over this?”
I started to walk faster on the treadmill. “I don’t know. I guess . . . I guess I’m just afraid of losing him.”
“You will not be losing him. As I see it, you’re gaining a lot. You’ll finally have a daughter-in-law to go shopping with and to chat with over the phone. She’ll—”
“Ughhh. I don’t need anyone to go shopping with and chat with over the phone. I have Monica for that and no one will take her place.”
Reggie laughed, trying to convince me that this was the right move for Latrel. I wasn’t buying it, and when I called Monica to vent, she told me the same thing. I guess it was time for me to get on board, but then again, maybe not.
The weeks had flown by, and I was so sure that Roc would have made some time for Chassidy, but he hadn’t. Basically, he had cut her off and I didn’t like it one bit. I was very upset with him, and even though I figured he was probably still going through a hard time, his approach was wrong. She had been asking about him and I really didn’t have a legitimate answer as to why he had stopped calling and coming over.
Friday after work, I decided to go get my answer. I remembered the turmoil that going to his place brought me the last time I paid him an unexpected visit, but I was prepared to deal with whatever. He wasn’t my man and this was all about how he intended to move forward with his daughter. I wanted what was in her best interest, and if Roc had decided not to be a part of her life anymore, I needed to know that.
When I arrived at his place, I knocked, getting no answer. I rang the doorbell; no one came. I waited, and, yes, I contemplated using my key. That would be such a bold move, and if the shoe were on the other foot, I would have a fit. Still, that didn’t stop me from putting my key in the door and going inside. Just like the last time, the music was up very loud. This time, however, I called Roc’s name to let him know that I was inside.
“Roc, are you in here? It’s me, Dez.”
I got no answer as I made my way up the steps, fearing to look into the living room and witness what I’d seen before. This time, the living room was empty, but it was a mess. Clothes were everywhere. Smoked blunts were in an ashtray, and empty beer cans, as well as liquor bottles, were all over. It looked like somebody had been partying and partying hard. I checked the dining room and the kitchen, but they both were empty. Two of the kitchen chairs were tilted back on the floor, and empty bags from London & Sons Wing House were on the table. I picked up the chairs, placing them back underneath the table. Afterward, I turned, making my way down the hallway to his bedroom. I felt very uneasy. As I slowly walked, the floor squeaked loudly. Seconds later, I heard Roc’s voice coming from his bedroom.
“If you make another move, I swear I’ll kill you.”
I stopped in my tracks with an increased heart rate. “Roc, it’s me. Dez.”
I got no response, but as I inched my way to the door, I peeked into his bedroom. He was sitting up in bed. His gun was aimed in my direction, and when he saw me, he dropped it into his lap. The room was partially dark, because he had put up some curtains to cover the window. I turned on the light, and just like the rest of his place, everything was a mess.
“What’s going on, Roc?” I asked, walking farther into the room. The smell of marijuana nearly burned my nose and it was very strong. Roc’s eyes were bloodshot, and I had never seen the hair on his head, as well as his facial hair, look so scruffy.
He scratched his head and I could hear how dry his hair was. “Ain’t nothin’ goin’ on. Just chillin’, that’s all.”
I sat on the bed in front of him, looking around at his messy room. “It looks like something has been going on. Did you have a party?”
“Nope. And if I had, I would have invited you.”
“Don’t do me any favors.” I chuckled. He didn’t laugh, and all he did was clear his throat.
“I . . . I’m not going to stay long, but I stopped by because you haven’t called or come by to see Chassidy. She misses you, Roc, and I do too. Have you given up on your daughter? I know things haven’t been going well with us, but I at least thought you’d still see about your daughter.”
Roc sat back on the bed, resting against the headboard. “Yep. I’ve given up on everything. Ain’t no place in this world for a man like me, so I’m here in my own space, doin’ my own thing.”
“So, in other words, you’re hiding out? From what? Me? Chassidy? Who?”
“I’m not hidin’ out. I just don’t want to be out there right now. I like right where I am and this shit is peaceful, ma.”
“Well, I definitely don’t want to interrupt your peace. I know how it is when you feel the need to be alone. I was the same way when I lost my mother, so I can understand how you feel.” I touched the side of his face and rubbed it. “Just know that I’m here for you, and don’t give up on life, okay? Chassidy and I really miss you and I want you to be well.”
He said not a word, just glared at me in a trance. I stood up, willing to leave Roc at peace. When it came to healing, people were on their own time and they dealt with the loss of a loved one how they wanted to. I figured Roc would come around, so I wasn’t too worried. I gave him a hug and he barely hugged me back. Needing no answer as to why, I made my way to the door. I reached for the light, turning it back off.
“Dez,” Roc said, halting my steps.
“Yes.” I turned to see what he wanted.
“I . . . I did it all for you. For you and Chassidy. I just wanted to let you know that.”
My brows scrunched inward. “Did what for us? What did you do for us?”
I saw a tear roll down his face and he swiped it away. I moved closer, asking the same question. Roc looked into my eyes, sucking his teeth.
“He was gon’ kill you, baby.” He spoke tearfully. “You and my daughter, and I . . . I couldn’t let him do it. I couldn’t, Dez, and I had to make a decision. He was days away from doin’ it, and when I found out about the letters and phone calls from my boy Ned, I . . . I had to take action.”
It felt as if cement had been poured over me. I couldn’t move. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Roc lowered his head and squeezed his forehead.
“Please forgive me, but I can’t be around you and Chassidy anymore. It hurts too bad and it reminds me of what I had done to him.”
I looked at the gun in Roc’s lap, realizing that he must have been over here contemplating suicide. What a messed up situation to be in, and there was no doubt in my mind that Ronnie was coming for me. This was so very tragic and I never thought or believed that it would have resulted in this. I slowly sat down on the bed, moving the gun away from Roc’s lap. He began to tell me how he had Ronnie set up, and the paranoia he’d felt from doing so. He even let me listen to a tape that was given to him by Ned, where Ronnie clearly had planned to do away with me and Chassidy the day after my birthday. I was to be blown away at the front door, and directions were given to do away with anyone else in the house and make sure the little girl, Chassidy, didn’t live. I was stunned that any man could be so cruel, but then again, I wasn’t. This was one time that I had passed the correct judgment on a person, and it pleased my heart, more than anything, knowing that Ronnie was now in hell.
I could see the pain Roc was in for making such a difficult decision. I put my arms around him, thanking him repeatedly for basically choosing our lives
over Ronnie. “Please don’t be so hard on yourself,” I said tearfully. “I am so grateful to you for what you did, and one day you will realize that you did the right thing. Thank you, baby, thank you. I love you so much, and you don’t know how much Chassidy and I need you.”
I had a tight hold on Roc, but his hold on me wasn’t so tight. He begged me not to tell anyone the truth and did his best to convince me that him not being in Chassidy’s life was a good thing. According to him, there was no way for him to be the father he needed to be to her, and if anyone ever found out the truth about what had happened to Ronnie, we could all lose our lives. In no way did he want that to happen, so he asked me to please understand why it had to be this way. Of course, I disagreed.
“I will give you all the space and time you need, but you’re not going to do this to us again, Roc. You promised me that you wouldn’t give up on us and I’m going to hold you to that promise. I will never repeat a word of this to anyone, and at the end of the day, you made a choice that saved the lives of two people who didn’t deserve to die. I know it hurts, but it was a brave thing to do.”
“Maybe so, but I’m not feelin’ it right now. I . . . I really don’t want to talk about this anymore. All we’re goin’ to do is disagree about Chassidy and I have to do what I feel in my heart is best. Chassidy will one day get it. She’s so young right now, and by the time she turns ten, she won’t even remember who I am.”
The thought of what he said choked me up even more. How could he continue to easily walk in and out of our lives like this? My mouth hung open and my throat ached from the thought. “How can you say that? Every child needs their parents, and if anybody knows that it should be you. How dare you sit there and give up on her like that? I guess this is so easy for you, as it wouldn’t be the first time you’ve done it. Chassidy loves you and she has gotten to know—”
“What about you?” Roc asked. “Do you really still love me too, Dez? Ain’t this got somethin’ to do with you? This not all about Chassidy, so let’s be real. What about us getting back together? You ended this shit with me over some pussy. Pussy that don’t mean shit to me no more.”
I looked down, fumbling with my nails. “I . . . I love you, but I can’t be with a man I don’t trust. You make this so hard for me and I don’t want to keep being with a man who hurts me all the time. I appreciate all that you’ve done, but it’s not enough.”
He quickly fired back. “Not enough! I had Ronnie killed.” He paused, unable to say it again.
“I know,” I said, standing up and squeezing my forehead. I was so confused and debated with myself about what to do, as well as say. “I just don’t know about us being together, Roc, and that’s a separate issue. Give me time, and I’ll deal with it as it comes. Meanwhile, I hope you think about what you’re saying about your child. Focus on being there for her, and I can’t tell you how much she needs you. She will always need you and that’s never going to change.”
“I have thought long and hard about Chassidy. This is best for everyone, and even though you may not see it now, you will soon. Now, please. I got a headache right now and I need my peace. Lock the door on your way out.”
I couldn’t believe what Roc was saying and I threw up my hands in defeat. “Fine,” I said, picking up my keys so I could go. I wasn’t going to sit there and beg Roc to be a father to his child. Like so many other mothers, I could easily do this by myself. I should have known that it would come to this. Stupid me, and there I was again having hope and faith about this situation turning out differently. I abruptly walked down the hallway, hoping that Roc would call my name to stop me. He didn’t. Then, something else hit me. My thoughts were sometimes late, but accurate. I went back into his bedroom.
“You’re telling me all of this because you’re leaving St. Louis, aren’t you?” I asked.
He didn’t hesitate one bit. “Yes.”
“When?”
“Soon.”
“How soon? Days, weeks, months. . . .”
“Days.”
I stood, shaking my head, feeling the huge lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away even when I swallowed. “And you weren’t even going to tell me, were you?”
“No, because I knew you wouldn’t understand.”
I was stunned, angry, disgusted . . . all at the same time. This in no way made sense to me, but it clearly confirmed that Roc had love for no one. I reached into my purse, pulling out something that I knew would come in handy. I read Roc’s own words back to him, hoping that he would reconsider. “What is Black love and what does it really mean to me? For years, I thought that Black love represented drama and disrespect. In order to get somewhere as a black couple, there had to be pain or no gain. My partner didn’t have to show love, ’cause she didn’t know love. And if we ever had to go to blows with each other, then that just meant we were angry because we couldn’t bear to be without each other. Yeah, that’s what I thought, but for all of these years, I have been wrong about Black love. Dead wrong.” I looked up at him, just to make sure he was paying attention to me. He was. “Now, I know better, ’cause true Black love is alive in me. I feel love like I have never felt it before, and it’s so energetic that it takes over my mind, body, and soul. It makes me laugh when I want to cry, it makes me strive harder when I want to give up, it causes me to be real with myself, as that is sometimes so difficult for me to do. Even in my darkest hours when I feel hopeless, or if I don’t want to go on, the feeling of Black love picks me up and lets me know that I must move forward. Yeah, I finally get it, but I hope Black love don’t give up on me, because I will never give up on it.”
I tore the paper in shreds, watching each piece slowly drop to the floor. “Like everything else, I guess that was a bunch of bullshit too. Good-bye, Roc. Have a nice life.”
Chapter 10
For the next several months, my life remained Roc free. He stuck to his guns, and it was confirmed by a very credible source that Roc had moved out of his condo and had left St. Louis. I felt dissed all over again, but I kept it moving. Like the last time, I threw myself into work, focused on my children, lost weight again, and put the past behind me. There was nothing that I could do to change the past. I had regretted that I hadn’t made better choices, for me, and for my daughter as well. Because of me, she would not know the man she often called her father. She would be left with a very vague memory of him. I was so sure she would one day wonder what she, herself, had done wrong to cause him to abandon her. In no way was this her fault, and I would someday tell her that all of this was on me. No matter how I looked at it, or tried to spin it, it was on me for making bad choices.
Latrel’s wedding was the following day, and, by now, he had my full support. I had completely changed my attitude. If I couldn’t get this thing called Black love right, I was counting on him. He truly loved Angelique and I was looking forward to her becoming a part of our family. I liked her mother and father a lot, and even though they were divorced like me and Reggie, they still got along well.
The day of the wedding, Monica picked me up early so we could go to Forest Park, where the wedding was taking place. I wanted to be sure everything was in order. Angelique wanted an outdoor wedding, but, unfortunately for all of us, light rain was in the forecast. The sun was shining bright for now, but I wasn’t sure how long it would last. I prayed for God to hold off the rain for as long as He could, or just long enough for Latrel and Angelique to say, “I do.”
When we got to Forest Park, everything seemed to be in place. The chairs had already been set up. The gazebo sat up front, decorated with many beautiful red and white flowers. Angelique had wanted a horse and carriage to bring her in, and I checked with the wedding planner just to make sure it was a go. She said it was. After tying a few big ribbons and bows around several of the trees that would show in the pictures, Monica and I left to go get ready. We both got ready at my house and Latrel and Reggie got ready at his place.
“I can’t believe you are finally letting your
son go,” Monica said, pulling Chassidy’s dress over her head. “And I just knew you’d request to be his best man, instead of Austin.”
I threw my hand back at her, continuing to look in the mirror while glossing my lips. “I haven’t let him go and I will never let him go. I may play second fiddle for a while, but Angelique knows who the real boss lady is.”
We laughed.
“I’m sure she does, and I must say that I’m glad she’s a Democrat,” Monica gloated.
“Uh, sorry to bust your bubble, but she’s not.”
Monica cocked her head back. “Then what is she? Latrel needs to call this mess off right now, ’cause he don’t need to be marrying no woman who belong to a Tea Party.”
I reached over, patting Monica on her back and whispering. “She’s registered as an Independent, so calm down, okay? And as far as I know, she doesn’t belong to no Tea Party.”
She playfully rolled her neck in circles. “And just how do you know all of this?”
I put my hand on my hip, twitching my finger from side to side. “Because I already did my homework. Spent hours on the Internet, Googling her name and finding out everything that I could possibly find out about her. She did have a racy picture posted on her Facebook page, but everything else checked out.”
“Ooooo,” Monica laughed. “You are so, so bad. I saw that picture too. Did you see that she had a judgment filed against her for not paying her credit card bill?”
My eyes widened. “Don’t you tell me that, girl. Did you check her out too?”
“I sure did,” Monica confirmed with a serious look on her face. “As soon as you told me Latrel was getting married to her, I got busy. She’s pretty clean, but not paying your bills may not be a good sign.”
“Are you sure it was her?”
“Let’s go check and make sure.”
Full Figured 3: Carl Weber Presents Page 13