by Lucy Gage
“Yeah, well, he might not be as big as Toby, but have you looked at his hands and feet? He won’t stay that way.”
“You know what they say about a man’s hands,” her aunt quietly interjected. Meg saw her smirk in the mirror.
All three of them burst out laughing. “That’s pretty much exactly what I said to Toby. And Neil has bigger hands and feet than he does.”
Nina’s laughter brought tears to her eyes. She said, “That must have been a sight. I bet Toby wanted to tear Neil limb from limb.”
“He did. He threatened it. So I threatened to tell Michigan if he did anything to Neil in retaliation.”
“Oh, shit,” Nina whispered. “Meggie, he’s going to make your life hell now.” Meg’s aunt didn’t even correct her daughter’s language.
“I don’t care,” Meg said. “He’s scum. He deserved what I said and then some. And it wasn’t Neil’s issue. I should be the one to bear the brunt of Toby’s wrath.”
“You should do no such thing,” Aunt Hannah said.
“It’s okay, Auntie. He won’t do any more harm than he already has. All the guys at this school think I’m a kinky slut anyway.”
“That’s not fair, Meg,” her aunt replied. “You’re a good girl. You don’t sleep around, do you?”
Nina averted her eyes. Meg might not, but Nina did. Toby may have trashed both their reputations, but unlike her cousin, Nina had embraced it. She had her reasons, and Meg didn’t judge her for them.
“No,” Meg said. “Toby is the only guy I’ve slept with. Now the rest of them don’t want to seem like they’re uncool, so they say they’ve slept with me, even if I’ve never kissed them.”
“Oh, Meg. You should tell someone about this. I’m sure Sarah wouldn’t want you to let it lie.”
“No. There isn’t any point, Auntie.” Hannah might be right, that her sister wouldn’t want to see her daughter in this kind of pain, to know she was lied about daily. But teenagers were mean, and no amount of discussion with the guidance counselor or the principal would help. Meg just had to endure this for a few more months of high school. Then she could truly start again in college, forging a real reputation, one that was deserved, no matter what that meant.
“I’d feel better if you discussed this with your mother.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to her,” Meg acquiesced. But she’d say only enough to fool her aunt into believing that she’d had a real talk with her mom. She had never said anything because she knew her mom would want to bring it up with the principal, and that would have made things worse in the long run.
They pulled into Meg’s driveway, and as she stepped out of the car, her aunt said, “You let me know if you ever need anything.”
“I will, Auntie. See you tomorrow, Nin.” Her cousin waved and gave a little smile. She and Nina had always been more like sisters than cousins. Nina knew that Meg wouldn’t give her mother the truth, not all of it, anyway.
Because the truth was, that she’d given herself fully and freely to Toby. And now she was paying the price for being seduced by the big, brawny football player. Trusting him had been her mistake. Her only regret was failing to protect Nina from him. As for the rest, well, she’d made her bed. Now she had to lie in it.
**********
The door of the gym lobby flung open, and Neil looked up, still in shock. It must have registered vividly on his face, because Danny said, “Sorry it took me so…dude, are you okay?”
Neil nodded and swallowed. Barely five minutes had passed and he was reeling.
“She…I…”
“What’s going on?”
“Meghan.”
“Did something happen to her?”
“No. She…she was just here. Talking to me.”
“What? No way! What did she say?”
“Not here,” Neil said. “I’ll tell you in the truck.”
When they arrived at Danny’s truck, Neil shut the door and Danny pounced.
“So? What did she say?”
“Jesus, Danny, you can be such a girl.” He told Danny about what had happened with Toby, up to when the football player left.
Danny laughed so hard he held his stomach.
“She told one of the biggest guys in the school that a puny guy like you – no offense – has a bigger dick than he does?”
Neil smiled. “It made up for the fact that a girl jumped between me and him to prevent my ass from pulverization. But yeah.”
“It’s probably true. I heard he does steroids. Those things can shrink your dick. And I’ve seen yours. It’s not exactly small.”
“Perv.”
“What? Mine isn’t either. It’s not like I have penis envy.”
Neil laughed. “Whatever. Anyway, we talked for a little bit after he left and before Nina came to pick her up.”
“What did you two talk about?”
It was temping to tell Danny the whole story, to dispel the rumors about Meghan that he’d never believed but that Danny still assumed had a sliver of truth to them. But it felt like betraying her confidence.
“Not much. Just small talk.”
“Think she’ll ever talk to you again?”
“I have no idea.” God, I’d love that. And what was that little smile when he’d held her hand too long? No, he was reading into it. She’d never be interested in a scrawny shrimp like him. Not when she’d only ever given herself to a muscular guy like Toby.
“Maybe we’ll get to double-date,” Danny said.
Neil laughed. “Still on that train, huh? The fact that Emily dates athletes hasn’t swayed you to either pick up a sport or give up the ghost. Still, you never know. She doesn’t seem to stay with any one guy for long. She might give you a shot for a month or so.”
“Shut up, ass.”
“Jerk.”
“I can’t believe you finally talked to her. You have to try again.”
“Yeah. Maybe I will. Once I stop freaking out, anyway.”
Danny laughed. “Holy shit! This is a huge day, Neil.”
Neil smiled. It was pretty great, he had to admit. Now, if only he could get the courage to repeat the experience, he’d have a shot as the happiest guy on the planet.
**********
The shade of the big oak tree kept the sun off their faces. Meg tanned easily, so she wasn’t worried about a sunburn, but as a redhead, Nina burned if she looked at the sun for a split second.
Across the lawn, she saw the boy Nina had called Neil, the one she’d talked to that day she put Toby in his place. Since that day, Toby had increased his nasty rumors about her, but she hadn’t heard a word about the truth she’d shared with Neil. The longer she observed him, the more curious she was about the boy, who sat reading a book.
He seemed to see something in her, something good and genuine, that even those closest to her often overlooked. They were all so used to her bitchy attitude that they glossed over it and reacted accordingly.
Neil didn’t do that.
Instead, he’d acted as if she was decent and kind, was appreciative when she treated him as she wished everyone would treat her. He made her want to be more than the facade most people saw, more than the kinky, slutty girl that everyone assumed was her.
“Made your decision on schools, Meggie?” Nina asked.
“Yeah. I think I have.”
Her final decision had come that morning. Unsure of where she wanted to land after this last horrible year of high school, she’d applied to a dozen schools. Until now, she’d been tight-lipped about her top choices, mostly because she really had no clue.
There was no question that she was studying psychology – she would get her undergrad degree and then eventually get her PhD, probably in marriage and family therapy. After family counseling saved her parents’ marriage and their family, she wanted to make that sort of difference in people’s lives.
But what had settled her choice of school had been that brief talk with Neil coupled with a conversation she’d overheard between Amy and Jea
nne. It turned out that the Blunder Twins, as Meg liked to call them, were both going to UMaine. Though she had long planned to attend the nearby university with her best friend, that no longer seemed like a viable option.
She’d wanted a chance to start over again, to actually deserve a reputation for being promiscuous or better yet, to be selective as she always had been and have a reputation for that instead. The main criterion had been to go far away, and her love of the beach had dictated the final decision.
“I’m going to University of Miami. I sent them confirmation.”
“What?” Em said. “I thought you were going to UMaine with me? We said we’d go together!”
“I know, Em, but this is a great opportunity. I have better financial aid there. And I need to stretch my wings. So do you.”
“Don’t worry. Nina and I will follow you to UMaine,” Charlie said, patting Em’s back. Charlie and Nina had been best friends since they were both three. Though the four of them – Charlie, Nina, Em and Meg – were together often these days, freshmen Charlie and Nina wouldn’t join Em at UMaine for a few years.
Emily sighed. “Right.”
“And Annie said she wants to go there, too,” Charlie added.
Oh, goody, Meg thought. She said, “Look at it this way, you can come visit me for spring break every year.”
Emily tried to smile. “Right.”
She hadn’t told Emily why she’d chosen to leave. But if she stayed in the area and went to college with her high school classmates, she’d never find her true self. Meg had a feeling her real personality lay somewhere between that idealistic girl Neil saw and the person she showed to the rest of the world. Going away was the only real option.
“Cheer up, Em. College doesn’t start for months. We have a lot of time left to have fun.”
Leaning her head on Meg’s shoulder, Em sighed. “I’ll miss you, Meggie.”
“I’ll miss you, too, Emma Bean. We have to grow up sometime. We won’t live next door to each other forever.”
“No, but we’ll be friends forever, right?”
“You better believe it.”
Chapter 4
Bucksport, Maine, Ten years ago…
He inhaled a big lungful of air, bracing for the discussion ahead. As the breath slowly left his body, Neil knocked on his father’s study door and waited for an answer.
“Come in,” his dad said.
Neil stepped into the office and observed his father typing away at the computer. “Do you have a few minutes, Dad?”
“Just give me a moment, son. I need to input these last few data points.”
Waiting patiently – Neil was a patient guy – he stood with his hands behind his back, holding the paper that would decide his fate. Less than a minute later, his father looked up and raised his brows.
“Have a seat, son.” His father gestured to the chair beside his desk. “What’s on your mind?”
Sitting, Neil gathered his courage and handed his father the papers he’d been holding. “I’ve decided to join the Army, sir.”
He figured if he showed his dad that he could be respectful, then maybe the news would be better received. Though his father had been a soldier nearly all Neil’s life, his parents had long encouraged him to go to college. They wouldn’t be happy that he planned to jump right into the Army. In fact, they’d probably object. They couldn’t tell him no. The truth was, that he’d be 18 long before he graduated high school and they had no say in what he did after that. But he wanted to be respectful of them, since they’d always shown him respect. And that meant telling them his intentions before he signed the papers.
His father’s brows didn’t shoot to his short-cropped hairline. They eased up slowly in contemplation. He didn’t read the paper. He’d signed one of his own, knew what it was.
“You’re sure this is the life you want?”
“I am.”
“I’m not going to insult you and ask if you’ve really thought about it, Neil. You’re a smart man and a considerate one. I appreciate your coming to me before you handed this to the recruiter. It shows a level of respect that will serve you well in the Army. But I’d be remiss as your father if I didn’t ask you to consider a different path.”
Neil made to speak and his father held up his hand.
“Hear me out.”
“Yes, sir.”
“First of all, I’d like you to sit down with me and your mother. We should talk about this as a family. I know you hadn’t planned to join the Army without telling her. You’re not thoughtless. You came to me first because you want my take on how she’ll react, am I correct?”
“Yes, sir.”
“I can tell you that she’ll be upset, Neil. For one thing, you’re her baby. I know you’re a man now, but you’ll always be her baby, son. It’ll scare her to think you’ll be in harm’s way. But for another, she really wants to see you go to college. You know she respects the uniform. It’s not that she thinks the Army is beneath you. But she wants you to have a life before you give yours to the Army and your choices become limited. And you know she understands what that means.”
Neil’s parents had met while his father was stationed as a peacekeeper during the worst of the IRA’s hold over Ireland. When he left his post, he never forgot Siobhan O’Connell, and eventually returned on leave to propose. He spent a stint in Saudi Arabia, twice, early in their marriage and though Neil had been born in Ireland, his parents wanted him to have an American education. So, he and his mother relocated to Maine, to be near his father’s family. It meant many years of a long-distance marriage for his parents. Neil thought that it might have been one of the reasons he never had any siblings.
“I know that, sir. And I understand the sacrifice I’m making.”
His father nodded. “I believe you do. I’d really like to bring your mom into this discussion, though. Is that okay?”
“Of course.”
“Siobhan!”
“What d’ye need, Aidan? Oh, Neil! Hello, darlin’! I didn’t know ye’d come home from practice already.”
“Just got back, Ma.” He stood and kissed his mother. He was taller than her, but not by as much as he’d like. At 5′2″ and small-boned, she was a wisp of a thing.
It was deceptive. She was the strongest woman he knew.
“Siobhan, why don’t you have a seat, sweetheart. I was just discussing something with Neil and we wanted you to join us.”
“Aidan, I don’t have time to talk politics at the moment if ye want to eat before tomorrow.”
His father chuckled. “Nothing like that, my love. Neil, why don’t you tell your mom what you just told me.”
Neil took a deep breath. He knew this would be harder, but he had to be strong. “I’m joining the Army, Ma.”
She’d still been standing, but her bottom hit the edge of his father’s knee and he steadied her on his lap. “Are ye sure, Neil?”
“I am. It’s what I want.”
The effect was instant. Her pallor changed to a pasty white. “Ye know ye’ll be headed to war.”
“I know, Ma.”
“And are ye doin’ it because ye want to be a patriot?”
“No, Ma. It’s not that at all. I want to follow in Dad’s footsteps. I’ve been thinking about this for while. It wasn’t 9/11 that decided it for me. I’ve known for a long time that I’d join the Army.”
“But a few years ago, Neil, joinin’ the Army meant somethin’ different.”
He nodded. “It did. I won’t say that 9/11 didn’t affect me. But all it did was make me more sure that this was what I wanted. If I’m willing to do it, regardless, then it’s the right choice for me.”
“Ye’ve given it a lot o’ thought,” she said quietly.
“I have.”
“Can I ask ye to maybe consider another path?”
“I don’t even know what I’d do with a college education, Ma.”
“Hear me out.”
Neil didn’t sigh. He didn’t want to
be petulant. He wanted his mother to know he loved her and cared about her thoughts and feelings. His parents had raised him to be aware of others and what they needed. And his mother needed to do this.
“Can ye maybe go to college, study whatever ye wish, even if it won’t go anywhere. Maybe English or some such thing, so ye can learn more about writin’ poetry.”
Neil blushed.
“I’m not tryin’ to embarrass ye, Neil. I’m just suggestin’ that ye could study somethin’ that might not do much for ye otherwise. If ye do that, then ye can get a degree and go into the Army as an officer. They have that ROTC program, aye?”
Neil was surprised by the suggestion. He paused a moment before he answered, so that he didn’t sound as flabbergasted as he was.
“You’ve thought about this. And you’re not saying I shouldn’t join the Army?”
“No, Neil. I can’t stop ye. But I’d feel better about it all if ye’d consider this path. Then ye’ll be maybe a little less likely to head straight into the thick of it before ye’ve had a chance to live.”
“It may not protect me if there’s a draft.”
“No,” she said, her voice steady and quiet. “But it gives ye a shot, at least. And if ye can make it out o’ college first, ye’ll be in a better position, aye? Then maybe ye can find a wife and give me some grandbabies.” She smiled.
Neil chuckled. “I’m not there yet, Ma.”
“No, I s’pose yer not. Anyone special in yer life that ye’ve not told us about?”
“Girls don’t pay any attention to me, Ma. I’m short and scrawny.”
“Ah, ye won’t always be, though. Ye’ll look like your Da one day.” She gazed at his father with a wistful smile. “I remember fightin’ off the girls with sticks to keep hold of Aidan.”
His father replied, “Nonsense. Once I saw you, I never looked at another woman again.” He kissed her hand, so much love in his eyes.
One day, Neil wanted what they had.
“Ha! D’ye think that kept those floozies from thinkin’ that they had a shot?”
“I think it didn’t matter. I was yours from the moment we met and you’d have fought to the death any woman who thought otherwise.”