by Lucy Gage
“Well, yes. I guess I didn’t think about the daily tea thing.”
“We’ve both always loved having tea with his mom.”
“I guess we still have a lot to learn about each other.
“After ten years, I’m still learning things about Charlie.”
“Is that true or are you channeling Neil to make me feel better?”
“Both. Admitting you love each other is the toughest part. Getting to know someone is easy, giving them your heart is harder, especially when you’re not a naïve kid and you know how the world works.”
Dan rang the doorbell. Seconds later, a tiny, blond woman whipped open the door, her Irish accent thick.
“Danny! So lovely to see ye as always! Come in! Come in! And this must be Meghan! Neil has told us so much about ye. Come to the livin’ room. I just put on the tea. I made yer favorite cookies, Danny.”
Dan kissed Neil’s mother’s cheek. “You spoil me, Siobhan.”
“Oh, well. Can’t spoil Neil, now, can I? Have to spoil someone. You’ll do until I’ve got me some grandbabies.” She winked at Meg, who turned crimson. “Oh, darlin’! Don’t worry. I won’t push ye. Aidan won’t let me do that. He scolds me if I ask Neil when he’s gettin’ married and havin’ babies.”
Meg had no idea what to say. Fortunately, Neil’s father rescued her from needing to respond when he walked into the hallway. She could easily see how Neil would look as he aged – Neil resembled his father to a great degree. Aidan Murphy had dark brown hair to Neil’s blond, but the stature, the bright green eyes, the strong jaw, broad shoulders and muscular frame all came from the Murphy gene pool. Provided he aged well, Neil would be a very handsome older man.
“Siobhan, don’t terrify the girl.” He kissed Meg’s cheek and took her arm, walking her into the living room.
“Hello, Meghan. I’m Aidan, Neil’s dad. He’s told us a lot about you over the years, but don’t be intimidated by it. And ignore my wife. She’s ready to be a grandmother and she’s jealous that her sisters have lots of babies to spoil. I should have given her more children and then she wouldn’t be pressuring the first girl Neil ever brought home.”
Meg looked at Dan, confused. Neil had never introduced anyone to his parents before?
Dan sensed her question and. “He wanted to bring home one girl.”
Her. Meg swallowed hard. How overwhelming.
Siobhan arrived with the tea and they peppered her with questions about what she did, where she went to college, her house, her practice. They asked about her family, said they remembered Nina from a few of Neil’s childhood birthday parties. They shared stories about Dan and Neil, some of which made Meg laugh hysterically when Dan blushed.
Meg relaxed and after another round of tea, Siobhan retrieved the photo albums as Dan lamented that he needed to head home. Meg wanted to stay, but she couldn’t imagine imposing upon Neil’s parents. When Siobhan offered that Aidan would gladly drive Meg to her parents’ house later, they spared her the need to ask and insisted she eat dinner with them. Dan asked if she wanted to stay and Meg nodded, eager to consume every morsel of information about Neil she could.
Siobhan offered for Dan and Charlie to come for dinner as well, but Dan declined. They had plans, just the two of them. Meg imagined that they involved babymaking, so she said nothing, hugged Dan and thanked him for bringing her over there and for being Neil’s surrogate for the day. He smiled, hugged her tightly, whispered, “That was from Neil,” and left.
Meg thoroughly enjoyed her time alone with Neil’s parents. She helped Siobhan make dinner and listened to stories about Neil as a little boy as they cooked together. They sat after dinner and looked at pictures for what seemed like hours.
Neil really had been an adorable baby. Siobhan slyly remarked that Meg and Neil would make beautiful children together, and instead of panicking the way she had earlier, Meg smiled and agreed. The very idea of little green-eyed babies with Neil’s cute nose and his sweet smile lit Meg from the inside out. That those babies could be theirs together made her look forward to the future in a way she had never imagined for herself before.
Later, Aidan brought her to Neil’s old bedroom and let her sit alone for a while. She wandered through the room, gingerly touching his things. She sniffed his pillows and the clothes that still hung in the closet, and many of which still smelled like Neil. A well-loved book collection sat on a bookshelf, model airplanes hung from the ceiling, a modest baseball card collection neatly occupied the upper shelves, as did a huge Star Wars toy collection. Track cleats that surely didn’t fit him anymore lay in the bottom of the closet.
Unlike most young guys, who had scantily clad or naked women papering their walls, Neil’s posters included Albert Einstein with the quote: Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds, and the famous image of the Marines raising the flag on Iwo Jima. Framed photographs, of various ancient-looking rock walls and buildings, made an artfully-arranged display on one wall. If she had to guess, those had been taken in Ireland, maybe even by Neil. He had the Army recruiter information from high school still pinned to his bulletin board and an old Army poster on the wall. Both Irish and American flags hung above the twin bed.
As she looked at the books in an effort to discern what he liked to read besides Clancy and Tolkien, she saw a blank-spined, blue, linen book. When she removed the book to see the title, the blank cover offered no help, so she opened it. A photo fell to the floor, facedown. She looked at it, confused, the writing on the back as familiar as the girl on the front, who’d stared at her in the mirror senior year.
The inscription on the back said, To Dan, Charlie Brown’s cute boy toy. Behave in college. xo, Meg. She vaguely recollected that he’d requested it the summer after her junior year in college, just before he left for Cornell. She shook her head and smiled. He’d been asking for Neil, not for himself.
Curious, she peeked under the cover and found a journal. Afraid of what she might find – and riddled with guilt about invading Neil’s privacy – she hesitated to read any of it.
In the end, curiosity won and she opened the book.
She found the pages filled with writing in Neil’s careful print: quotes, journal entries – a few about her, which made Meg blush at the thought he’d noticed her for so long, even though he’d already told her as much in his letters. Some entries addressed his apprehensiveness for military life and his desire to make a difference in the world. And there were numerous, beautifully written poems.
Some of the poetry pondered nature, but most of it spoke of love, longing and desire. Meg couldn’t help but read herself into them. It seemed Neil had written love poems to her before he had even dared speak to her. It made her eyes fill with tears, the thought that all along, this beautiful boy had adored her from afar. She had searched for the perfect man everywhere else when he had been right under her nose.
The tears streamed down her face and her heart ached, missing Neil. A light knock and a creak of the hinge revealed Siobhan.
“Are ye alright, Meghan?” she asked quietly.
Meg sniffed and nodded. “He loved me for a long time, didn’t he?” she asked, brow furrowed, holding up the journal and the picture.
Siobhan sat next to Meg on the bed. “Ah, yes. I believe he did. I’m not so sure he knew what it was he felt until he had a chance to know ye personally, but he did adore ye. Are ye wishin’ ye knew before?”
Meg nodded. “How many years could I have loved him if I had only known then what I know now?”
“Ye truly love him.”
“I’m so in love with him I can’t see straight, Siobhan. I miss him so much. I had no idea I could feel like this about a man I hardly know. But I do. And knowing how he felt all this time, it makes me so sad that I didn’t see how amazing he was before now.”
“I understand what yer feelin’. I felt that way about Aidan when I met him. We hardly knew one another, and I was so distraught when he left. I didn’t think I’d see him again
. He wrote me such beautiful letters. And then he finally came back to Ireland with a ring in his pocket and a promise to love me for the rest of his life. I don’t think I could have ever loved another man the way I loved him from the beginning.”
Meg nodded and began to cry again. “Yes. That’s exactly it. I was more in love with him that first week than I had ever been with anyone else in my life. I can’t fathom loving someone else that way. I pray to God all the time that Neil will come home safe because I can’t imagine being without him anymore.”
“Would ye like to stay here tonight, Meghan? I’m sure Neil would be glad to have ye sleep in his bed, to feel closer to him. If there isn’t any reason ye can’t stay, yer welcome. And if ye don’t want to do that, yer welcome to attend church with Aidan and me in the mornin’.”
“Oh, well, I’m not Catholic.”
Siobhan laughed. “Neither is Aidan. Let me tell ye that caused a big to-do in my family. My Da assumed that a boy named Aidan Murphy was as Catholic as they come. He didn’t even ask before he gave his permission for us to marry. I, of course, knew that Aidan wasn’t Catholic, but I loved him enough to overlook that. I knew if I mentioned it to my family ahead, they’d forbid me to marry him. But once my Da gave permission, that was that. He tried to forbid me anyway, but my Ma wouldn’t let him. Some of my relatives in Ireland don’t consider us to actually be married because we didn’t get married in the church. Aidan’s family is Methodist and that’s how Neil was raised. I’ve never converted, but I do regularly attend church with Aidan. They’re a pretty forgivin’ bunch. ‘Tis simpler, their connection to God. I’ve found I appreciate that with a son in harms way.”
“If you don’t mind, I think I would like to stay here, to feel close to Neil. And I’d need to go back to my parents’ house to change in the morning, but I’d really like to attend church with you. I was never a very religious person growing up, but I’m on a first-name basis with God these days. He’s probably wondering why I haven’t shown up at church yet.”
“Well, we’d be glad to give you a place to start. At the very least, the three of us can pray for Neil together.” She smiled and patted Meg’s knee. “I’m sure ye can find somethin’ of Neil’s to wear and I’ve got an extra toothbrush in the bath. Why don’t ye call yer folks to let them know where ye’ll be. I’ll have some tea in the livin’ room, if ye want to join us. I’ll see ye in there.”
Meg nodded and said her thanks. She called her mom first to let her know she’d be staying with the Murphys for the night.
Then she looked through Neil’s drawers and found a medium-sized, U2 concert tee that likely been left behind because it didn’t actually fit him anymore – Neil’s chest would strain a large these days. She found an old pair of equally ill-fitting UMaine sweats – his thighs dwarfed Meg’s and hers fit just right in the pants. Giggling to think Neil used to wear these clothes, she had to send him an email.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: My, how you’ve grown
Hey, sexy. Guess where I am? In your old bedroom wearing your U2 Elevation Tour shirt and a pair of UMaine sweats that can’t have fit you since Basic. I’m sleeping in your old bed. Your mom suggested it and I bet I’ll sleep better than I have since I dropped you off at the airport.
I have a confession: I read your journal. Don’t be mad, okay? The title-less blue spine stared at me and when I opened it to find the title, my photo fell out of the book. I had to see what was inside. Did you ask Dan to get a picture for you? Because I remember thinking it was weird that he wanted one, but he was such a cutie pie I said ‘sure’. I can’t believe it was really for you.
Am I assuming too much if I read those beautiful love poems and think they’re about me? You were writing me love poems before you really knew me. If I wasn’t so in love with you, I might think it was creepy. But I am in love with you and I think it’s incredibly romantic and to some extent, tragic.
I wish I had known you, had been able to love you up close and personal before this. Maybe it would make all this easier. Or maybe it would make it harder. I don’t know, but I love you more than anything in this world and I can’t bear it if you don’t come home to me. Please promise you will?
I’m attending church with your parents in the morning. They seem to like me, so I guess that’s a good thing. It makes being in love with you a lot less awkward when it comes time for holidays, right? You didn’t tell me you had never brought a girl home before, so that was a big surprise. Were you saving that morsel? Uh huh. You didn’t want to tell me ahead of time because you knew I’d freak even more. Thanks for asking Dan to be your surrogate, by the way. He was surprised that you knew I bite my nails and that I’d need reinforcements. I’m just glad you know me so well.
I’ll dream about you tonight. I wish you were here, in this bed with me. I know it’s only a twin, but we could make it work. Would we even really sleep? I’m thinking no. Be careful and stay safe. Come back to me. I miss you. I love you.
xo Meg
Meg sent the email and then had tea with Siobhan and Aidan before bed. They talked for a while, sharing stories about Neil’s adventures in the Army. She’d looked at so many albums of Neil over the years and had seen him grow from the small, skinny boy to the big, strong, muscular man she loved to see naked. Siobhan’s most recent pictures had been taken at Dan and Charlie’s wedding. She gave Meg those and a few duplicates of his childhood photos, a priceless gift.
**********
He sat down at the computer to check email on the off chance that Meghan, Danny or his parents might send something about the big meeting. Work had kept Neil from being nervous. After all, the only girl he’d ever wanted to bring home had finally met his parents.
Neil drank water while he read Meghan’s email. He smiled as he imagined her wearing his old clothes, the images of U2 stretched across her perfect breasts, the words University of Maine hugging her long, sexy thighs. He hardened thinking about what might be under those clothes. Maybe another pair of sexy panties. Maybe nothing.
And her, in his bed. How many years had he wanted her in that bed? How many times had he fantasized having her in that bed? An embarrassing number of times, including when he jerked off thinking about her the night before Danny’s wedding. And now she lay there. Neil adjusted himself. God, he missed her.
Then he saw her confession about reading his journal and he nearly choked on his water.
Oh, shit. He’d forgotten the journals had been left in his room. Neil shook his head. Damn. Well, now she knew how much he’d drooled after her in high school. She might as well see the rest; it wasn’t like she’d freaked out or threatened to break up with him because of it.
In some ways, being across the planet when this discovery had been made offered an advantage. He could experience mortification from afar before he had to see her on Skype again.
He told her where to find the other journal hiding in his room, and knew he’d eventually let her see the ones that he’d been using for the last few years. Those journals were not as angst-ridden as the ones from high school and college, but Meghan had still occupied his mind, now more than ever.
Guilt set in and Neil knew he had to tell her the truth about what had happened between them the night of Danny’s wedding. If she could be honest about reading the journal, he could admit this. She had asked him to help her remember how they fell for each other.
And he didn’t manipulate her. In fact, he wanted her to fall for him all over again so that she’d experience the rush, too. He needed to be up front about that night, and he’d never be afforded a better opening.
**********
When Meg finally returned to Neil’s room for bed, she checked her phone to make sure she hadn’t missed any calls or emails. Neil had written not that long after she’d sent the message earlier.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: K
eep the clothes
Hey, beautiful. I love the idea of you wearing my Elevation Tour shirt. That thing hasn’t fit me since I left for Basic. And if you’re wearing the navy blue sweats with the UMaine logo, those haven’t fit since freshman year in college. Take them both with you when you go home.
I’m not upset that you read the journal, only a little mortified. You don’t want your girlfriend to think you stalked her for years because she found the journal filled with your love poems to her.
And, yes, those were about you. I’ll tell you a secret: in the bottom drawer of my dresser, under a stack of old swim trunks, you’ll find another journal. Take the journals home, too.
Danny did ask for the photo for me. He always knew I was head over heels for you. Surely you know by now that no one else has ever held a candle to you in my heart, right?
Did Danny tell you that I never wanted to bring anyone home except you? I didn’t think it would happen in this lifetime. I wish I could have been there. My mom is the best, but she’s a bit overwhelming sometimes. Especially because she’s been waiting for 5 years for me to get married and have kids. I’m sure she made some comment. Hopefully, Dad came to the rescue.
I’ll be thinking about you in my old bed tonight, about all the nights I spent in that bed with you on my mind. Wishing I could be in that bed with you. I miss you. I love you.
xo Neil
Meg immediately looked for the other journal and found a thick volume bound in black linen. She quietly shut the drawer and gently opened the book. In the front, a photo of Meg, Emily, Annie, Charlie and Nina lay pressed between the pages. Dan had taken the picture at Pushaw Lake on Tom Ward’s old boat, one of the few days Meg had been home from Miami. It’d been the last time the six of them had ridden in that watercraft, because Tom had bought a new boat the next season.
Dan must have given Neil this photo, too.
All of them wore swimsuits and had just cooled off – it had been one of the hottest days in Maine that summer. Dan joked that they looked like the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models in their wet bikinis. Teasing, Charlie said he should take a picture to bring to Cornell so he’d remember the hot chicks waiting at home.