by Justin Clay
Sondra is speechless for a moment, her eyes intense as she stares at Lena. Their hands start shaking and suddenly, they both embrace. “I’m so sorry,” Sondra whispers as she holds Lena, whose forehead has crumpled and she’s sobbing. My heart is broken. I’m staring at my feet, unsure of what to do. I’m terrible in situations like this. Comforting someone who needs it the most. I listen as Lena tells the story of how she lost her daughter those years ago, when Lena and Sondra separate, but Lena says in it brief, hesitant phrases.
A grave silence hangs in the air, immovable, once they stop talking. There’s no noise. Nothing. I can barely make out echoing voices from the hallway. I tell Sondra I am truly sorry for her loss, but I feel it would be a disservice to the memory of Mikael if I didn’t say something more. I know she doesn’t expect me to. She’s already nodded, smiling while holding my hand, her eyes glimmering with left behind tears.
“I didn’t know Mikael for long,” I say, and find my voice cracking. A lump begins to swell in my throat. I didn’t realize it would be this hard. I breathe in deeply and let go. “But I feel as though in the time I did know him, he was my friend…A friend I truly needed then, and in some ways still do…I remember his last moments…I remember that night when I tried to help into the vehicle to get away, I — I couldn’t reach him in time…Before he was overtaken…I’m so sorry Sondra…I feel in many ways his death was my — ”
“No, no don’t say that dear,” Sondra interrupts me, but not unkindly. “Don’t you dare…You shouldn’t allow yourself that pain…Don’t. You tried to help and that’s what counts.”
“But — I failed —”
“And I did too,” she tells me. “But you know what I realized? That doesn’t mean we stop trying…I know what you’re feeling…There’s no need to explain further…Thank you Rian. Thank you for being Mikael’s friend…From what I know, he thought a great deal of you…He liked you Rian, and so do I.”
We share a much-needed grin and for some strange reason start laughing. It’s a soft, confusing laughter but it feels good. Lena chuckles too, and for the first time in awhile I feel as if things are starting to turn out for the better.
“Pack your things,” Lena tells me the next day, matter-of-factly, as she walks into the room briskly. At the time, I’m brushing my sister’s long golden hair. June is preoccupied with looking at her hands for some reason. “We’re leaving…tonight…Unless, you want to stay. And you can, Rian…I don’t want to make you — ”
“No, we’re going with you,” I say, nodding. “We’re a team, and we’re sticking together till the end…Right, June?”
June shakes her head, agreeing with me. I knew she would.
“Great,” Lena says, beaming, seeming genuinely happy about our company. Lena has kneeled herself down, fiddling with her backpack. “I was going to go by myself…But I thought that foolish…I need help in doing this…Your help, Rian…You’re a good shot, and that will come in handy considering what we could be up against.”
“Is anyone else coming with us?” I ask, interested.
“Terek and Kage said they would help.”
“Terek? What about Sondra?”
“Sondra won’t be on her feet for a good while…So, he’s decided to come with us…I’m thinking he’s also wanting to clear his head, get some fresh air after everything’s that happened.”
“Makes sense.”
“But there’s someone else that will have to come with us…And luckily enough, the commander has agreed to it…I think he hates her as much if not more than I do.”
“You don’t mean,” I say, suddenly thinking of Cari.
Lena is nodding. “Yep, Cari will be coming with us…Handcuffed, of course…As she will not most likely want to…But they’re sedating her before we go.”
“Do you think she’ll actually be any help? What if she stabs us in the back? Leads us into a trap?”
Lena shrugs. “I don’t know Rian,” she answers. “It’s just the risk we’re going to have take if we want to find Eli and possibly save him, should he find himself in trouble…Which I have a terrible feeling is going to happen…And these feelings haven’t been wrong yet.”
“Mm, okay,” I say, giving in to the idea. I guess she is right. Who else would be able to guide us there? Or on the other hand, lead us into our self-prescribed doom? At this point, it could be either one, I suppose.
“Will we be coming back?”
“Terek most likely will, for Sondra,” she says. “But as for us…It depends on what happens…June…Are you should you don’t want to stay here where it’s safe?”
I think about it for a minute. Would my sister be any safer with me out in the wilderness where a possible Scavenger encounter could happen? I don’t want to be separate from her again either. I don’t know. Maybe, she should stay here.
“June, what do you think?” I ask her. “What do you want to do?”
“It’s like you said, Rian,” she says. “We’re a team…We’re in this together till the end.”
I can only smile.
The autumn air outside is crisp and the evening skies above us are overspread with burning red clouds, and beyond the starless darkness envelopes. The puffy coats that the Caretakers provided us with are more than enough, keeping us warm in the chill. I’m sitting in one of the backseats of the Jeep we will soon be leaving within, as the others finishing loading the food and supplies we’ll be taking with us. Everything is boxed up in plastic tubs, except for the weapons, which are kept in a long black duffel bag. A few rifles, handguns, bats, and knives. I notice, though, Lena keeps her crossbow suspended at her side.
The deal was that if the commander sent Cari — who is completely knocked out, doped up on whatever sedative they gave her, her head lolled back comically, beside me —one of the Protectors would have to go with us not only to operate the vehicle, but to ensure Cari’s safe return as well. This should interesting. I turn over my bow in my hands as I mull over these thoughts. June sits on the other side, preoccupied with looking outside, since we’ve seen so little of it recently.
Gavin Lestrange, an average man in both looks and height with a buzz cut and perpetual furrowed brow, is the Protector that will be accompanying us. He looks to be in his late twenties. I think through who all will be going. There’s June and I, and Lena. That’s three. Then Cari, this Gavin guy, and Terek. Kage is with us too. That’s seven of us. Should be enough. A commotion stirs in the crowd behind, and I look back.
Terek is hugging his wife, who is in a wheelchair, to see him off. Milly, who pushed her out, and other caretakers surround her. Some curious civilians also made their way out. I notice Commander Jed seems to be giving Gavin some type of instructors as he makes certain motions with his hands, although I can’t hear what he’s saying over the din of voices. About five minutes pass, and we’re all finally in the vehicle, bunched up together. Terek sits in the open trunk behind us, an assault rifle astride his lap. Kage is beside him. Lena takes passenger seat, holding her crossbow, while Gavin takes steering position. I look at Cari and wonder how she will react when finally wakes up and realizes what’s going on. Won’t be a pretty sight, that’s for sure.
I wonder what we’ll encounter out on the road again. Besides Frothers. Besides Scavengers. There are other dangers. But there is more than that too. I suppose only time will tell. The vehicle begins humming, which becomes a vibration that goes through me to the bone as the engine revs up. And before I know it, we’re off, the darkening night fleeing past us, and the dam becoming smaller and smaller behind us.
18
THE WILDERNESS
I DON’T LIKE REMEMBERING. I think by now that’s obvious enough. Since all that’s happened, most of it no one would want to remember. But there are moments. Moments stirred by watching a few leaves falling slowly, like they are now. It’s fully autumn now. And all of the leaves are falling. Most of them have already. But I am watching the ones that are, and I think of one of those few times th
at I hold on to, not because I should, but I do because I want to remember.
It was back in the beginning. Before Eli and Lena. Before Mikael and his family. Before any of that. It was when we first lost our parents. Those years ago. I was different back then. I was a small frightened girl. Heck, I’m still scared now. But not for the same reasons. I’m no longer scared of losing of my life. In fact, I welcome it — when it does happen. But that’s beside the point. What is — I couldn’t understand why June and I had lost our parents the way we did. Sure, it happened to many. But to us? Why?
I know why now, but back then…I didn’t. I didn’t want to know. But I couldn’t run from it forever. I would have to face those fears eventually.
“Sometimes bad — terrible — things happen to good people,” Gabby, Dale’s small, mousy wife told me as I looked out the window of the shelter. It was when June and I were living in the outcamp with the first group we had known, before they all died. It was November then too and the leaves were also drifting in the wind, caught in their inevitable downward spiral before disappearing into the ground. “Not because such things should happen, but so other — greater things can happen...”
“Like what, Gabby?”
“You know when you fall, Rian?” she says, and I wasn’t sure where she was going with this. “You know what happens? You usually hurt yourself, right?”
“Yeah,” I muttered quietly.
“But you get back up,” she told me. “It’s not about the fall…Well, in some ways I guess it is…But it is always about the getting back up.”
“Okay, what if you don’t want to get back up? What if you just want to be done with it all…And you don’t care anymore.”
That’s when I felt Gabby’s hand enclose around mine, felt her warmth against the skin of my palm. I remember the way it felt when she looked at me. As if she was looking through me, into the darkest part of myself. Where I thought no one could see. The place I would keep hidden for myself. That small part of me that I hang onto. That I don’t let go. The part my parents left behind after their deaths.
“I know you care, Rian…You just got to hang on…Keep fighting,” she urged me kindly. “Every day it’ll get easier…I promise you.”
I’m still fighting, Gabby. My eyes flitter open as Gabby’s voice echoes, until it is gone, and all I can hear are the sounds of the wilderness, the forest awakening. This morning the air that welcomes me is startling brisk. I wipe the sticky sleep residue from the corners of my eyes, and my hands rest against the rolled-out mat I slept on. Sunlight glimmers through the breaks of the trees here and warms the reposed face of my sister. She’s still sleeping of course, with everyone else except for Lena, and maybe Cari. I can’t tell if she’s asleep or not, from where she’s lying with her back to everyone on her mat.
Cari hasn’t woken up yet, which seems to be good…for now at least. Whatever they gave her was a powerful drug. I look around, wondering about Lena’s whereabouts. She must have gone out to look for breakfast. My stomach rumbles unexpectedly, and I sit up. I concentrate on the twittering of the birds in the trees somewhere. All of the devastation that has happened to us humans and the natural world has still go on as ever. The world doesn’t revolve around us. If we happen to all die out, the Earth will still go on. Life goes on with or without us. A harsh, cruel fact. But one nonetheless.
There’s a rustling in the underbrush nearby, and I jolt for my bow and arrow, lying against the trunk of a tree. Swiftly, I glide to my feet, drawing an arrow and aiming for the sound, when Lena emerges carrying a string of limp fowl and sigh in relief.
“Whoa, relax,” she says waving an arm, “it’s just me.”
“Thankfully,” I say quietly, lowering my weapon. I eye her trophies. “So you managed to get breakfast I see.”
“Yeah,” she says brightly, taking off her crossbow by its padded strap and resting it on the ground. “I lucked up actually…Didn’t think I’d come back with one let alone four.” She laughs, and sits before the blackened circle of rocks where last night’s fire had been.
“Hey, Rian,” Lena calls as she unfastens the birds from the rope she had carried them with to here.
“Yeah?”
“Can you rekindle the fire, while I skin these birds?”
“Sure,” I say, hopping right to it. If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to light a fire.
...
Cari wakes up around what I consider to be ten in the morning, tied up against a fairly large tree. The sun’s angle in the blue sky looks about right for that time. Lena thought it would be a good idea for her to be restrained before she really comes to her senses. Gavin was forced to agree; it seemed by his silent reaction. Lena is persistent; I’ll give her that.
At first, everything is fine. She’s lost in a daze; induced by the drug they had given her yesterday. She asks where she is multiple times before Lena finally says northern Montana. This quiets her for awhile. She doesn’t even recognize that she’s bound by rope, just yet. Her bruised face seems to healing steadily; the bluish-purple signs becoming fainter, browner.
It’s not long, however, before she comes to and her eyes widen, shocked. “What the hell is going on?” she blurts, red-faced, writing violently against the tree’s trunk. “Why am I tied to a damn tree!? Someone untie me! Why are all of you just standing there looking at me!!? UNTIE me!!”
It’s Lena who approaches her first, frowning. She props an arm up against her waist and sighs. “Alright, Cari,” she says, “we’ve taken you from the dam out here for one purpose only; you’re going to help us — help me find Eli, because I know he’s out here somewhere, still alive…And you’re the only one who has a good shot of allowing us to do so…For that reason, unfortunately, we need you…I need you to cooperate. Can you do that, Cari?”
She bursts out laughing, shaking her head. “You bitch!” she screams. “You did this!? Didn’t you?? You had me kidnapped and thrown out here…Of course you did and wouldn’t be like Jed to stop you either, considering he hates me apparently as much as everyone else.”
“That’s your own fault,” Lena mutters. “You’ve let the power that you had corrupt you.”
“You talk about corruption like you know nothing of it yourself,” Cari spits. “Look what you’ve done…You’ve taken someone from their home without their consent and demand from them that they are needed to do what you want; so you can get back a person you love who doesn’t even love you back…Just face it already, Lena, Eli doesn’t want you around or he would have told you where he was going…Why would I help you then? I’m not going to help you…You’re nothing to me.”
I watch as Lena’s face flusters and think to myself this is going to be bad, real bad. Suddenly, Lena’s hand flies out and grapples around Cari’s throat, and she squeezes tightly. Cari’s eyes become bloodshot, but she doesn’t gag like before. “Listen here you — you’re going to help us…You won’t make all that we have done so far…You won’t let it be in vain…DO YOU HEAR ME!??”
At that moment, Terek lays a hand on Lena’s shoulder and asks her to let her go. “Look, Lena,” he tells her quietly, “she has nowhere else to go…She isn’t worth losing who you are to find Eli…Eli wouldn’t want that…”
“Fine,” Lena says, frustrated, and releases her grip, and Cari starts coughing, her face red as beet. “But until you decide to help us, you’re going to stay tied up to this tree…with no food or water.”
“You can’t do that to me! That’s torture!” she shrieks.
“Watch me,” Lena says, and spins about, leaving as the waiting begins.
Cari goes without saying anything for the entire day. I didn’t think it would be possible, but she remained silent, deathly silent. Her eyes narrowed constantly at Lena, brooding, and spiteful. A permanent frown seemed to etch itself into her features as she sat there without food or water. Not even showing any signs of pain or weariness from it either. Man, she had willpower if nothing else.
Darkness d
escends once more. A low fire is started once the stars appear above, and the sounds of the nightlife reveal themselves. There’s the soft hum of crickets. The occasional hoot of an owl, as it swoops, fluttering somewhere overhead. Scurrying of small creatures in the thicket and not one moan or groan from a Frother. Thank God.
We had driven almost all night upon leaving the dam. I had no clue
where exactly we are, other than what Lena said about being in northern Montana, heading to Glacier. The terrain here is absolutely gorgeous, rising and falling in sweeping rolling foothills leading to majestic mountains, some scraping their jagged tops against the heavy bellies of the roaming clouds and others spearing right through, disappearing in all-encompassing snowy fog. The higher grounds of the mountainous areas are dappled with icy snow, but where we are below in the green spilling valleys, there are dead leaves and ghostly barren trees. Some still have their beautiful golden and fiery red coats. But not many anymore.