by Shey Stahl
“So you’d rather watch me than have sex?” I asked when I walked through the door and saw him in the family room, on the couch, drinking beer with a remote in hand listening to Theory of a Deadman’s version of “Midnight Rider.”
Thankfully he was alone this time and appeared as if he hadn’t gone to work by the shorts and no shirt and five beer cans next to him.
“Come over here,” he said, turning down the stereo and then patting the ottoman at his feet.
I did because I needed to understand this.
He paused before answering, intently focused on his beer in his hand. When he looked up, his eyes were bloodshot and weary. “No, I’m still going to fuck you. I would just like watching other guys do the same to you.”
I flinched at the thought. “Why?”
“Because it turns me on.” he said, low and husky with an edge to his voice. “I like seeing you from that angle.”
My face flushed with anger and confusion. I felt like my skin was on fire. “So being with me doesn’t turn you on? You have to see me fucking someone else to get off?”
Josh clenched his jaw, seeming annoyed. “No, I didn’t say that.”
Clearly I wasn’t understanding his theory on this.
“Do you watch the videos yourself?”
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, his elbows on his knees. “Sometimes.”
“But then…” I struggled to understand, to comprehend any of this. I mean, what the fuck could he find arousing about that? “So you jerk off while watching them?”
He laughed, leaning back into the chair. Just laughed, giving me no real answer.
I wanted to know more. I wanted to understand him and why he was this way. There had to be a reason, right?
“How long have you been doing this?”
“Since college.”
“So you just spring this on girls you’re dating? I mean, do you go into relationships and hook them in to thinking you’re one way, and then they find out later you’re someone else entirely?”
“I haven’t had a relationship with anyone in eleven years. Not since college.”
“But you’ve slept with women since then?”
“Yes, I have but I haven’t had a relationship where I would have classified her as my girlfriend. Not like you.”
“So one-night stands, you film those?”
“I have…but most of them I meet online.”
“Online? How?”
He raised an eyebrow, intently watching my face to his next set of words. “This site called Adult Friend Finder.”
“There’s a site for this? Like Facebook?”
That’s what those messages were from. Addison was on that same site.
I was afraid to say anything, afraid he would stop talking, so I listened. With an open mind, I listened and let him tell me what it was he wanted. And then I could decide if it was something I could live with.
“Similar, yes. It’s designed for finding someone who is looking for the same sexual satisfaction you are, without the dating. I mean, you could if you wanted, but that wasn’t what I was looking for at the time.”
“And you were looking for that with me?”
“I wasn’t at first, but I found it,” he said this sincerely, like he wanted me to believe it.
“Jeb and Addison, they’re on there too?”
“Yes. I met Jeb in college. Same fraternity. He joined the site and told me about it. I’d already enjoyed filming girls I was with at that time. This was just a way to find girls who wanted that same thing.”
“And there are girls who want to be filmed?”
“Yes. There are. Surprisingly a lot of them. They like to be worshiped and watched. Makes them feel wanted.” He moved closer, his hand on my cheek, willing me to look at him. “Logan, it can be incredibly fulfilling. You have me, a relationship with me, and this, well, it’s just…you can sleep with whoever you want. I just want to be there and watch you in ways I don’t get to see when you’re with me.”
“So you’re suggesting I join this site and what, look for men?”
“Yes.”
“And if I don’t want that?” My heart scrambled with my thoughts. Would he end this? And how would I feel about that? Until a few days ago, I could honestly say, I was in love with Josh. I was. Though I hadn’t said it, I had fallen for him.
Josh was quiet, his breath increasing, thinking, contemplating, and then, with a tormented tone, said, “Then…well, I don’t think we can be in a relationship,” he breathed, speaking honestly.
I appreciated how honest he was. I did. In some weird way, the curiosity for this, and why he wanted this, was outweighing everything else.
Leaning forward, he moved a strand of my hair behind my ear and pushed his thumb along my bottom lip. We made eye contact and I saw that he wasn’t trying to hide anything from me. He was letting me in on something incredibly personal to him.
His eyelids were low and dark, slow smiles and burning blue. I felt bare when he looked at me like this, but I also felt incredibly alive as love rushed through me.
Licking his lips, he looked at me like he was about to speak. I blinked and swallowed, afraid of what he might say. Pushing his thumb over my collarbone and over my chest to my heart, my eyes held his looking for an answer I wasn’t sure I would find.
“Please consider it though. I…don’t want to let you go,” he whispered, his palm moved to my cheek, touching me tenderly. “I’m here, I want you, and I don’t want to end this.” He looked wary waiting for me to say something, anything.
From what I gathered, Josh needed danger. And as strange as it sounded to me, voyeurism and being in control, seeing someone he cared about in that way, having sex, was what turned him on.
I understood it, in part. We lived in a culture where boys grew up watching porn. From high school, to college, to married men, observing someone else have sex was a turn on for some.
That part made sense to me. Though what Josh did, and how he showed it to me would never make sense.
What I didn’t understand, was why he wanted me to have sex with other guys.
THERE WERE A lot of deal breakers in relationships. They were different for everyone.
You wanted someone who cleaned up after themselves? If they constantly left dirty clothes around, at some point, you might ask yourself, “Is this fucking worth it?”
Say you were on a budget and your significant other was constantly overspending. Again, at some point, you were going to ask that same question. Is it worth it?
Was my relationship with Josh worth this?
To be honest, I had no idea. I loved him, but to try something so taboo, so personal, was something I continued to debate over. Thinking practically, I had no experience to go on. I’d never been watched having sex before. For all I knew, it may be the hottest experience of my life, or of course, it could be the worst and irrevocably break what Josh and I had.
So, was I willing to take the risk?
Sometimes it was best to plunge into the unknown and the unplanned to experience what life might hand to you. I learned, and it wasn’t easy, that you couldn’t live without spontaneity in your life.
And to me, maybe that was my spontaneity coming out. Maybe that was my reason for telling Josh I would consider it.
Intending to keep an open mind, I decided it was time to look into the website.
I didn’t exactly have the guts to get on the site alone, so I had Stevie look it up with me when I knew Josh wasn’t going to be home for a while. He was out of town again, working up in Everett for the night.
With a bottle of wine in hand, we set off in the direction of the office without glasses. No need for them. This was a ‘drink straight from the bottle’ kind of night.
When I first typed in the address Adult Friend Finder dot com, the site immediately popped up with the advertisement and the sites tag line: The hottest dating, hookup and sex community.
“Click on the hookup tab!”
So I did. Under that was the option for casual sex, swingers, threesomes or cybersex.
“Looks like you have to register to be able to look at anything.”
“Damn.”
“Register.”
“No!” I practically knocked over the wine bottle when I pushed away from the laptop.
Stevie gave me that look, basically calling me out as a pussy. “Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“I thought you were going to try it.”
She had a valid point there. I wanted to but my fear hovered close to the surface. What if I did this and it didn’t work out? What if I got emotionally attached and fucked all this up?
“You try it.”
“I will.” Stevie turned the laptop her direction and began typing away, entering her name. “I'm interested in this casual sex thing.”
“Jesus, I had no idea they had shit like this on the Internet. I feel like I've been living under a rock. It’s like naughty eHarmony.”
“You and me both.” And then she thought about it, pausing in her typing. “But really, I'm not surprised.”
“Oh, click on member blogs.”
It went through a series of warnings, letting us know we were entering a secured portion of the site with detailed sexual experiences.
Their user names cracked me up. Darksinister6996, cumsalot33…I wondered how they thought of this.
“Click on him!” Stevie gleamed, waving to a profile picture of this guy with no shirt on and washboard abs.
So we did. Only “him” was a chick.
“Click off him!”
That screen didn’t move fast enough and with it, a vision of Rednecklover’s pussy profile picture was ingrained in my head. An image I’d never get out of my head. It looked like a wrinkled-up banana had split open.
“Oh, God, look at his user name. Eatmyrump!”
Stevie and I could barely breathe, we were snorting through the drinks of wine.
If you’ve never snorted red wine, don’t. Burns like a motherfucker.
“Okay, so let’s just rein this in and focus.” I waved through my giggles while staring intently at Suckersolem’s dick in my face. Flashing. It was like they designed the ads to literally pop out.
Stevie’s eyes went wide, her thoughts similar to mine. “Imagine if they made pornos in 3D.”
“I bet they do.”
“Flying cocks and cunts?”
“I’m pretty sure that is the exact name of a porno.”
Stevie leveled me a serious look when we clicked on the casual sex tab. “Look, Logan, it’s free and you can hook up with MILF’s when needed for mature sex.”
“This has to be illegal.” Stevie giggled, barely able to contain herself.
“It doesn’t appear to be. Josh said it’s legal.”
“Look, even a tab for swingers. Click on that.”
Would I be considered a swinger?
“Wouldn’t that be what he’s asking me to do?” I asked, chewing on my fingernails. “I mean, he’s wanting me to sleep with other men while he watches.” And then I groaned, overwhelmed. “I just don’t understand this at all.”
Stevie wrapped her arm around my shoulder, pulling me into her side. “How did he explain it to you?”
“He just said that it’s his thing. He’d rather watch and be in control.”
“So he’s like a porno director?”
I shrugged. “Well, I guess, kinda.”
Her smile said a lot. “And you’re Debbie Does Dallas.”
“No dumbass,”—I pushed her away—“that’s the name of the movie.”
“So what.” Her eyebrows raised, trying to remember the name of a porn star. “You’re like Jenna Jameson then?”
“I guess so.”
“Wow, I bet all men come to this site to cheat on their wives and girlfriends.”
“No doubt.”
Stevie then clicked on the tab that said, Cybersex, and it popped up with this woman taking off her clothes. Underneath that was profile pictures for Deepthroaters1200ti and Shortyscrewsalot3544. “Look, they live in Olympia.”
And then it dawned on us that there might actually be people we know on this website.
Stevie’s eyes lit up with excitement. “Do you think that dude with the watermelon stand at the farmers market is on here?”
“I don’t know…why?”
“Because I would totally have Cybersex with him.”
The video on the left hand side of the screen said, Live Member Webcasts and kept showing different clips of videos I assumed were happening in real time.
“I bet that’s the Redneck Lover signing on,” Stevie noted, frowning at the video. “I can’t believe there’s a tab that says get laid tonight.”
“I can.” When I first thought about this site, I assumed it’d be something like Facebook. I never knew it’d be like an actual porn site with videos and images.
“Oh, jeez. Look at Creampiecanaster’s profile.”
I rolled my eyes, drinking straight from the bottle of wine. “I’d rather not.”
Just about the time I was thinking I would tell Josh this wasn’t for me, I realized Stevie had finished creating the profile, only she did it for me. “Stevie, I told you no.”
“No, you said you weren’t doing it. I simply made the effort for you.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m curious too. You said yourself you’re curious about it. There’s nothing wrong with trying it once, if you want to. I know you do.”
She was right. I did. I wanted to know Josh and understand why it was that he demanded his relationships would be like this.
It was then I caught sight of my username she typed in for me. “That’s my user name, Stevie?”
She looked offended, glancing from me to the screen and then back again. “I thought it was clever.”
“Creamfilledcutie is not clever.” I smacked at her. “It’s gross.”
“Deal with it.”
I raised an eyebrow, challenging her. “Change it.”
“To what?”
“I don’t know. Anything but that.”
“Fine.” And then she began typing.
“And cutiewitbootie is better?”
“Stop your bitching. It’s a fucking username.”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I guess she was right. What did it matter anyway? “Fine.”
Stevie and I searched the site for hours after we created the username and soon I had messages and flirts and all kinds of notifications I didn’t understand. It was entertaining with Stevie though. I think she was more excited about the site than I was.
I TOLD JOSH I registered a few nights later when we were lying in bed. I wanted to ask him about it, but then again, I was scared. It’d been a week since I found out about his lifestyle. I had a lot of questions for him and I was curious.
“Do you have any questions for me?” Josh spoke gently when I asked what I was supposed to do now.
“I guess I don’t really understand the site. I mean, so it’s almost like Facebook, or eHarmony, but for people looking to have sex?”
“Yeah, exactly like that.” He nodded as we laid in bed, turned toward one another. “It basically finds people for you and you can get to know them and go from there.”
“Okay, so you date people from that site?”
“No, I don’t. I don’t have sex with anyone but the girl I’m with, unless of course she wants me with someone else.”
“Wants you with someone else? What does that mean?”
Josh shook his head, twisting the conversation around. “What is it that you don’t understand?”
He’s so good at evading a conversation.
“Well, okay, so I’m on that site and now what? Men contact me and then I say hey, my boyfriend wants to watch us have sex?”
He laughed, the sound breathy but adorable. He really was flawless in so many ways from the blue eyes to the tasseled golden hair
and absolutely perfect body. To have him and moments like that made me think it wouldn’t be so bad to consider this.
“It’s not as complicated as you think, Logan.”
“Un-complicate it for me then.” I sighed softly, reaching up to touch his chest with my palm. “I really do want to understand what it is that turns you on about it.”
“It’s not something I can tell you. It’s something I have to show you.” He spoke with such sincerity and truth I believed him.
I nodded. “Okay.”
“When they send you friend requests or message you wanting to hook up, get to know them. If you’re into them, let them know. If they want more with you, I’m there, watching.”
“And you think guys will want that?”
His laugh returned. “I know they will. I know of one who wants to already.”
His comment caught me off guard. “Huh?”
“Jeb.” The way Josh spoke was if he had no doubt Jeb felt that way. Like he knew. “He’d be willing to have sex with you and you could see if it was something you enjoyed or not.”
Jeb wasn’t who I thought he was. Here was a guy who had a sexy smile, a joking personality and seemed like someone who rarely took anything serious. He teased me, blatantly so and to the point where I assumed it was a brother-sister type relationship.
Not like a creepy thing, but comfortable.
“Would you want to have sex with him?”
“I don’t know about that, Josh. I mean, he probably wouldn’t…” My voice trailed off when Josh gave me an amused laugh, his hand running down his jaw.
“Are you kidding me?”
“What?” I could tell by his laughter, I wasn’t understanding this properly.
“Jeb wants to fuck you badly. He’s practically been begging me.”
I had to get it in my head this was only that.
Fucking.
It didn’t mean anything and these guys didn’t care about me. Not in that way.
If I looked at it that way, it didn’t seem so bad that I was about to give my body to another man, so that my boyfriend could watch.
It wasn’t easy to agree to sleep with Jeb. But then again, I wasn’t even sure what I was agreeing to. Technically speaking, I wasn’t sleeping with him.
Josh was right. This was just sex.