Wine and Whiskey (Surviving Absolution #1)

by Nikki Belaire

  Her head lifts from the last yoga pose at the creaking of the French doors. He returns her smile, but the sentiment falls short of genuine. Dark circles under his eyes and creases across his forehead reveal his worry. His finger loops through the drawstring on her shorts and tugs her closer, their bodies not quite touching. Tingles rush through her at the intimacy of his grip on her clothes as well as her heart, her body shivering at his need to keep her close.

  “Marta said breakfast will be ready soon.”

  She leans forward and gives him a soft kiss, confirming her desire for him, welcoming his touch. “Good, because I’m finished, and I’m starving.”

  “You seem better this morning.”

  “I am.” She takes his hand and leads him to her favorite spot on the deck, the soothing rhythm of the rolling waves helping to calm her mind and her nerves. She must prove to him she’s okay. And convince him of her plan. Even if it hurts him. “Stay with me for a few minutes.”

  After sitting down, she pats the cushion in front of her. His eyes crinkle in amusement as he smirks, a hint of lightheartedness breaking through the melancholy. “I’ll crush you.”

  “It’s fine. I’m tougher than I look.”

  Some of the tension humming in her body releases as he lies back against her chest, nestled between her legs. Uncertain about everything except her feelings for him, she wraps her arms around him and rests her head on his shoulder, a contented sigh escaping her lips. The turmoil whirling around them is unable to diminish the peace he brings her, and she’s hopeful she provides the same comfort to him.

  “I know. It’s one of the things I love about you.”

  A goofy smile must cross her lips. Of course she wants to hear what makes her lovable. “What is?”

  “Seeing you work out this morning reminded me of when we met. I had just walked into the gym and saw you doing yoga while you waited for Jason. You were so calm and peaceful, I couldn’t stop watching you.”

  Her heart swells at the wistfulness of his voice. An unexpected insight into his attraction to her, unwittingly confirming he knows the real her, loves her for who she really is. Even more telling, he reveals what he craves as well, a quiet refuge from the chaos of their world. Exactly what they give to each other. “I never knew that.”

  His body stiffens under her arms, his hands covering hers as if trying to shield her. “Then that asshole was bothering you, and I couldn’t walk away, leaving you alone and scared. But after a few minutes, you were fine. You challenged me with that plank move you like and that’s all it took. I fell in love with you.”

  After all this time, his anger remains fierce over an incident long forgotten, his protectiveness never wavering. She runs her fingers through his hair before kissing his temple. “Love at first sight, huh?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’ve always been so sure, even from the beginning.”

  He shrugs before bringing her hand to his mouth and kissing it. “I wish it was the same for you. I know you’re scared. But I’ll wait forever for you if I have to.”

  Afraid of so many things, she sags under the immensity of her doubt, gripping his chest tighter, seeking to share in his confidence. The intensity of his love engulfs her, making the loss of it what she fears the most, knowing if she pushes too hard, asks too much, she may smother the fire blazing between them.

  “Now it’s my turn to make a confession. After we met, I Googled you to find out more about you. I knew you were involved with the Foundation before you told me. I never said anything because I didn’t want you to think I was a creepy stalker or something.”

  His deep belly laugh shakes them both. “You don’t have to worry. I would never think that about you.”

  “Well, I’m just glad you know. I felt really guilty about it.”

  “You don’t have anything to feel guilty about.”

  As he attempts to lift up and turn around, she tightens her arms around him. Her strength is no match for his, but he lets her hold him in place. Nuzzling his neck, she whispers in his ear, “Neither do you. I don’t blame you for what Juan did.”

  The stubble on his cheek tickles her skin as he shakes his head. “You should never have been pulled into this. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for what happened.”

  Taking a deep breath, she closes her eyes. She must convince him they can be free of all this. “I know I make it difficult for you to love me. After everything with my mom and Evan, I panic sometimes. That’s not fair to you. You’re so good to me. You don’t deserve for me to act so irrational.”

  This time he breaks free of her embrace, turning back to look at her, his face drawn with worry. “Shae, I—”

  “I really do want to be with you, even if I don’t make sense sometimes.”

  His body relaxes as she strokes his cheek, releasing the fear darkening his eyes. “Thank you for telling me that.”

  “You told me last night you want to marry me.”

  His fingers snake around her waist, and he slides her closer, desire burning in his eyes as they gaze into hers. “There’s nothing I want more.”

  “But, I don’t know if I can if you’re…” Afraid if she doesn’t say it now, she won’t be able to, she forces herself to keep going. “In the mob.”

  “I…” All the color drains from his face as he shakes his head. “You can’t…” He stands up and paces in front of her, unable to respond.

  Guilt burns in her chest at his pain, everything he wants to keep hidden now on display, forced to expose his secrets because of her interrogation. “It’s the truth, Nick.”

  Curling his hands into fists, he presses them against his closed eyes. “I’m an investor, you know that. I make money by—”

  They hit the same wall as always. He gives the same speech as before. Unwilling to admit what they both already know, he attempts to divert her attention. But it won’t work this time. She can’t let it.

  “I do know. But, that’s not all. Financiers don’t have death threats against them or their girlfriends.” She lifts up on her knees and grasps his hands, pulling them away from his ashen face, meeting his panicked gaze. “Please, get out of it. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for me. We can’t build a life together if we always have threats hanging over us.”

  “I’ll keep you safe. I promise I won’t make the same mistake again.”

  Her body pulses from hurting him, throbbing at the guilt of dangling in front of him what she hopes they both want, yet can’t have with a life like this. “What if we have children?”

  “Children?” Shock lowers his voice almost to a whisper, as if he’s considering a foreign concept.

  Even in her fear, she smiles at the thought. “Yes, that’s what marriage means—husband, wife, kids running around, the dog chewing up your shoes. A totally crazy, but absolutely wonderful life.”

  “I want that.” He nods before caressing her cheek. “With you.”

  “It scares me more than you can imagine, but I’m starting to want it too. But how can we have a family if we’re in danger all the time? We both know more than anyone what it’s like to be without our parents. I don’t want my children not to have their father. Or, what if Juan threatened our kids?”

  He drives his hand through his hair but doesn’t speak, his wide-eyed expression hiding a storm of torment she can’t rescue him from.

  “You have to get out of it.”

  Dropping back down on the lounge chair, he holds his head in his hands. “It doesn’t work that way.”

  “Why not? If you quit, Juan won’t come after you anymore.”

  “It’s not like I can give two weeks’ notice and leave. This family business goes back to my grandfather.”

  She scoots next to him, wrapping her arms around his, entwining their fingers. The connection between them shaky but still unbroken. He has to know she’ll give anything to be together, find any way to make it work. “Is it the money? I can take care of us. I don’t have as much as
you, but it’s more than enough.”

  His humorless laugh is a sharp contrast to his head tilting against hers, his racing pulse hot against her skin. “It’s not the money.”

  “Then what?”

  “Please don’t ask me questions I can’t answer.”

  Dropping his hands, she leans back on the cushion. He’s so open with his heart, but closed with everything else. “I don’t understand. You give me your love so willingly, but you don’t trust me.”

  “It doesn’t have anything to do with trust. I’m trying to protect you.”

  “You can protect me by getting out of it. Then the threats will be over.”

  He gives her a side glance before shaking his head. “You don’t understand. I can’t.”

  Her pulse pounds in her ears. Giving up on him will destroy her, but staying may be worse. “I can’t be with you unless you’re honest with me.”

  He walks to the edge of the deck, his fingers gripping the railing, his head drooping forward. Crashing waves and squawking seagulls carry across the breeze, yet he remains silent. The ache in her chest grows stronger as she covers her mouth with trembling hands, forcing herself not to rescind her ultimatum, not to take back the words driving his pain. They have to do this to move forward. She has to know the truth.

  “I know too much.” Turning back to face her, his gaze locks with hers, bitterness darkening his face, his voice tinged with defeat. “If I try to walk away, I’ll be killed.”

  Her stomach plunges at his confession. So naïve, she thought she had the solution, figured out the answer, yet the reality is too simple and terrifying to overcome. He can never escape from this world of crime and violence. A death sentence whether he stays or goes. This is his life.

  The door opens, and Marta shakes her dishtowel at them. “Breakfast ready. Come eat while hot and very good.”

  Nick nods at his housekeeper, but his eyes never leave hers. Maybe as fearful as she is to turn away, to break the bond between them, uncertain if it could be restored. Once Marta goes back inside, he steps forward and pulls her to him. “You deserve better than me, more than this. I couldn’t let you go, and now you’re suffering because of my selfishness. You don’t belong in my world.”

  Goosebumps race over her skin as she trembles, fear coursing through her body at the realization this will never end. “What does this mean for us?”

  “Nothing’s changed. I love you and want to be with you.” He buries his head in her neck, his fingers entangling in her hair, holding her tightly against him. “I can’t lose you. Please tell me you’ll stay.”

  That’s all she wants. To be with him. But not in this life. Not with this fear. She doesn’t know what to say or do or think, paralyzed by the deluge of emotions drowning her. Her body is rigid and gasping for breath, unable to return his embrace, incapable of grasping the dwindling hope that everything he wants to give her she can accept.

  His arms fall away, releasing the hold he has over her body and her heart, his unshakable confidence finally shattering under her hesitation. “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you need.”

  A cruel reminder of his constant tenderness even amidst his pain. Tears roll down her cheeks, stinging her skin, dripping off her chin. “You do. You’re everything I’ve ever—”

  “Shhhh. No more.” His fingertips follow the wet trails before brushing across her lips, the saltiness harsh against her tongue. Sobs rock her body at the hollowness of his voice, the deadness in his eyes. “We’ll find you a secure place to stay, and I’ll make sure you’re always taken care of.”

  “What about you?”

  Spreading his arms, he looks around the deck, as if confined by prison bars rather than the open sky and rolling waves. “I’ll always be here.” Lowering his head, he lets out a deep breath. “I’ll just never understand why you’d give me your money, but you won’t give me your heart.”

  The thickness in her throat strangles her voice, and she can only whisper, “You already have my heart. It’s just that it’s broken.”

  Chapter Eight

  Platters of omelets, pancakes, and sausage cover the kitchen table where Max and Shae sit and talk. Well, he talks. She quietly fidgets, alternating between tugging on her dress and picking at her fingernail polish, only looking up at Marta passing through the foyer. Probably hoping for Nick.

  A heady blend of fried bacon and coffee perking makes his stomach growl, but he can’t think about eating. Not with her suffering across from him, devastated from her grief. “You’ll stay in the penthouse at the Aqua Masion. It has a panic room as well as a private elevator, giving us escape options in case anything happens.”

  A busy, upscale hotel makes an attack even more unlikely. Too many witnesses and tight security to get through, along with his own men stationed inside and out. There’s no way in hell Juan can reach her. At least in the suite. Being out in public poses a different challenge.

  He studies her face as she nods, cognizant she isn’t really listening to him. Not understanding what she agrees to. Trying to release some of his tension, he rolls his neck before speaking again. She’ll refuse the next request, but it must be done. No matter how much it hurts her or Nick. “Once we get you settled, you’re going to need to be seen out, first with your friends and then on a date. It confirms you have moved on and are seeing someone else.”

  The frown creasing her forehead deepens, yet her mouth remains closed. He touches the back of her hand. “Shae? Are you listening to me?”

  She looks up, her eyes finding his for the first time during their discussion. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

  “We have to make it clear you and Nick have broken up. Both of you will need to been seen out with other people. That way Juan won’t have a reason to come after you.”

  “Date other people?” Disbelief quivers in her soft voice, arguing against his instructions. “I can’t do that. I just want…”

  Regardless of what they both want, he must focus on what they need. She’s too scared to admit she loves his boss, and Nick’s too protective to tell her she’s in just as much danger without him as with him. He holds his tongue and keeps Nick’s confidence. His job is security, not relationship counselor.

  He rubs his hands together before laying them flat on the table. “No matter what goes on between you two, you’re my friend now, and I want to keep you safe. You have to let me and my guys protect you, okay?”

  “Thank you. I appreciate everything you do for us—” Her voice catches, and she gives him a sad smile, pinkness tingeing her pale face. “No more ‘us,’ is there? So, I guess just me.”

  “I’m doing this for Nick too. It’s what he wants for you.”

  She nods slowly. Of all the women who have paraded through Nick’s life, she’s the only one he’s ever liked. Different from the others, she actually has a kind heart and cares about more than just herself or Nick’s money. The only relationship he thought might have a chance. Now, it’s over, and he has to take care of the man who destroyed it. Hell, he’d be willing to eliminate Juan just for ruining Nick’s good mood they’ve enjoyed these last few weeks.

  “It will take some time to get everything set up. You’ll have to spend tonight here at the house. Marta will make up one of the guest rooms for you. We’ll move you tomorrow.” A blank expression is the only response to his comments. It’s going to be a long day tiptoeing around the two of them. “I’ll let you know when we’re ready. Then, we can get your stuff from Nick’s room and your house.”

  The grimace returns as she wraps her dress around her legs. “Where is Nick?”

  “He’s in the gym.”

  Her head flies up, her eyes widening as her lips part. “He left?”

  “No, he’s downstairs, but he doesn’t want to be disturbed.”

  His words are spoken to her back as she hops out of her chair and hurries down the hallway. He smiles to himself. No one else could get away with defying Nick’s edict but her.

  * * * *
/>
  She’s never explored his house by herself before. Her chest throbs at the realization this is probably her last time here. Darkness greets her in the lower level, all the doors closed. She passes the cinema room where he took her after the incident with Juan at the café. The day she decided she wanted to be in a relationship with him. Now, she doesn’t know what she wants.

  Pushing open another door, she steps into a complete gym big enough to host several people. Free weights, tread mill, elliptical, bicycle, and other equipment fill the room. A gray T-shirt drapes across a row of barbells. She brings it to her face, letting Nick’s clean, citrusy scent engulf her, giving her a feeling of home she already misses. Sitting down on the mat next to the punching bag, she pulls out her phone.

  “Hey!” Carrie’s chipper voice gives her a small lift, letting her blink back the tears burning her eyes.

  “I need you.”

  “What’s wrong? Where are you?” Panic replaces Carrie’s cheerfulness, her voice rising on the last words.

  “I’m at Nick’s. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  “You’re freaking me out. What’s going on?”

  The memories of blood staining the street steal her breath, barely allowing her to speak. “Juan shot Jacks and threatened Nick and me.”

  “What the hell! Is he okay? Are you okay?”

  “I haven’t seen him, but Nick said he’s fine.”

  “Oh, okay, good.” Her rapid breathing whistles through the phone. “What about you?”

  She holds back a sob, her composure fading to say the words out loud. “I think we’re breaking up.”

  “Wait a minute. Slow down. This is fucked up. His driver got shot, and you’re breaking up?” Carrie’s voice lilts with confusion matching her own uncertainty.

  She takes a deep breath, trying to explain to her friend as much as herself. “Nick thinks it’s too dangerous for me to come home, and he wants me to move in with him. I can’t stay, but I can’t leave either.”