After paying my bill—the waiter seems a little perplexed that I didn’t order any food—I decide I ought to go home. I briefly consider going to Braxton and Kylie’s place instead, before realizing how ridiculous that is. If I don’t want to talk to Ronan, I can simply tell him to leave. I don’t have to let him in.
But as soon as I see him sitting on my front porch, I know I will.
The collar of his shirt is unbuttoned and his hair looks unkempt as usual. Somewhere between here and the restaurant, he lost some of his confident swagger. There’s concern in his eyes as I walk up the sidewalk.
He stands as I approach. “I was getting worried.”
I’m still not sure I want to talk to him. Without a word, I sweep past him and go inside. But I leave the door open.
I hear the door close as I drop my purse on the counter.
I whirl on him. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you,” he says.
“What makes you think you have the right to barge in on me like that?” I ask. “I was out with someone, and you just walk up to my table? Again?”
“Come on, that wasn’t really a date,” he says.
“I don’t care what it was,” I say. “I could have been planning on fucking that guy’s brains out tonight. You had no idea.”
A flash of anger crosses his features. He did not like hearing that.
“But you weren’t,” he says, stepping closer. His calm tone is maddening. “And we both know why.”
“So, what is this?” I ask. “Do you consider this an apology? Because you’re terrible at it.”
“I haven’t even started to apologize,” he says, his voice low. He gets closer. “I have a lot of apologizing to do.”
The heat between my legs only makes me angrier. He should not be able to make me feel this way. “You are such an asshole.”
He stands right in front of me. I should move. He’s so close, I can feel his body heat. He wraps his hand around the back of my head, twining his fingers through my hair. God, I love how he does that.
No, I don’t. I’m angry. Furious.
“Listen to me,” he says. “I told you the second time we got together it wouldn’t be a mistake, and it wasn’t. I’m the one who screwed up, and fuck if I don’t know it. This is all on me, Selene, and I will literally do anything you want if you’ll just listen.”
“Fine, talk.”
He doesn’t let go. His face is so close our noses nearly touch. “I know I don’t have the right to kiss you yet, but fuck, Selene, I missed you so much.”
I almost kiss him, right there—my body aches for him—but I can’t let this be about sex. I move back, and he lets go.
“You said you wanted to talk,” I say.
“Do you want to sit down?” he asks.
“Not really.”
He lets out a breath and I try to keep my eyes away from his crotch, but he’s standing at attention and it’s so distracting.
“What?” I say when he doesn’t start talking. “Out with it.”
“I was scared,” he says. “You scared the fuck out of me, and I literally haven’t been scared of anything since I was in a car accident in college.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Sarah said she told you about the accident, so you know what happened,” he says. “The bottom line is, Mike and Chelsea both died, and there was nothing I could do for them. I tried everything to keep them alive. I’ve never felt so helpless. And afterward, Selene, I should have died, too. I walked for two days to get help and my injuries were infected. When that trucker found me, my fever was so high I was delirious.”
“You shouldn’t feel guilty for surviving,” I say. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know,” he says. “I’ve never thought of it as guilt. But that accident changed me. I stopped feeling fear. I guess I figured if I lived through that, nothing was going to kill me. So I started taking bigger and bigger risks. The rush was addicting. It was the only time I felt real. The only time I felt alive. I started chasing the high, going after bigger and bigger challenges. It wasn’t just the sports, although it felt like nothing would ever be high enough, or fast enough. I lived for any kind of challenge. It was the only thing that made me feel like I hadn’t died at the bottom of that cliff.”
“Then why were you scared of me?”
“Because you trusted everything to me,” he says. “Your career. Your body. Your life. Your heart. After we went skydiving, all I could think about was how I failed Chelsea. I didn’t save her. What if it happened again? What if something happened to you? I didn’t think I could live through that again.”
“Ronan, you can’t expect to protect me from everything,” I say. “Even if I never jump out of an airplane again, I could get killed just driving home from work.”
“I know. It wasn’t just the thought of you dying. I realized how deep I was with you. Your whole life was wrapped up with mine. It scared the shit out of me, and I’m a man who hasn’t felt fear in years. I didn’t know how to cope with it. But the truth is…” He gets close and wraps his hand around the back of my neck again. “No matter how much you scare me, you’re the only thing that’s ever made me feel alive that isn’t likely to kill me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Since the accident, I’ve fluctuated between feeling dead inside and being high on adrenaline. There was no in between. I was either riding a rush, or craving the next one. With you, I feel calm but alive. I feel whole. Balanced. And the longer we were together, the longer that feeling lasted. It wasn’t just when you were near; the feeling would stay. Normally I’d be jumping out of airplanes or off of cliffs every chance I get. But you were magic, Selene. I don’t know how, but you smoothed out all my edges.”
His lips brush against mine, just a whisper. “I am so sorry for hurting you. I let fear get the better of me and I acted like a complete asshole. You’re beautiful and perfect, and fuck, I love you so much.” He closes his eyes. “Please let me kiss you. I’ll go if you tell me to leave, but god I need to kiss you right now.”
I give him the slightest nod and his lips come to mine. He lights me up; my body comes alive at his touch. He doesn’t hold back. He coaxes my lips apart with his tongue, opening me to him. His kiss is deep and pure.
He pulls away and touches my cheek. “I’m sorry it took me so long to realize the truth.”
“What truth?”
“That you’re the only risk worth taking.”
He kisses me again, and I thread my arms around his neck. All the tension I’ve been carrying melts away at the feel of his body pressing against mine. He wraps me in his arms, holding me close.
“Are you sure you’re not just chasing what you can’t have again?” I ask.
“No,” he says, looking me in the eyes. “When it comes to you, I don’t need the chase. I love you, Selene. I always will.” He leans his forehead against mine.
I smile. “I love you too, Ronan. I love you too.”
Epilogue: Selene
The hum of the airplane engine roars in my ears and my heart beats fast. I get a familiar tingle in my limbs as we gain altitude. Over the last six months, I’ve jumped with Ronan nine times. Today is number ten.
I’ve gotten good enough that I can jump on my own, without Ronan or an instructor. It’s literally the last thing I ever thought I’d enjoy doing, but I love it. I love every second of it, from the moment we get on the plane to the moment we’re on the ground.
I’ve long since settled into my new role as VP of Operations for VI. Ronan has to split his time between the Seattle office and Edge in San Francisco, so I run things in Seattle. There was plenty of water cooler talk about the two of us when he announced my promotion, but it was followed closely by the announcement of our three-hundred-million-dollar government contract, so the rumors didn’t last. Everyone knew my role in getting that contract, so it was clear the promotion was not the result of me fucking the bos
s.
Not that I mind fucking the boss. Not one bit.
Kylie looks at me with wide eyes. Braxton has been up with us several times, but it wasn’t until today that we finally talked Kylie into jumping. One of the instructors will jump with her, and she has a radio in her helmet with a crew member on the ground to help guide her down. But I can see the nervousness on her face.
“You’re going to be fine,” I say, pitching my voice to be heard above the engine.
“I’m scared,” she says. “And excited. And fucking scared.”
I laugh. “I know. But this will be amazing. Trust me.”
Braxton turns around and checks her harness again. He’s usually as amped as Ronan for a skydive, but I think having Kylie here is making him nervous. He’s run his fingers beneath the straps at her shoulders at least a dozen times, making sure they’re tight enough.
Ronan takes my hand and brings it up to his lips, kissing the backs of my fingers. I smile and we both look out the window. There are a few puffy white clouds high above us, but otherwise the sky is clear. He was in San Francisco until late last night, and I still feel the relief of being together after missing him all week. I’m glad he doesn’t have to go back for a while.
Some people might get sick of each other when they’re together pretty much all the time. But Ronan and I have settled into working and living together, and I can’t imagine it any other way. He moved into my house a few months ago, after we both admitted he more or less lived there already. We have plenty of room at home, so we both have our own spaces. I insisted he take my dad’s old study and make it into an office, so he has a place to work and unwind. I love that the room is being used again. It was always so sad and dusty before, with no one who needed it. My whole house feels better with two of us living there. It used to be too empty, just me with all these rooms. Now I have someone to share it with, and I know my parents would be happy to see us there, living and loving in the space where they lived and loved Braxton and me.
Ronan keeps staring out the window. He seems quiet today, like he has a lot on his mind. It’s hard to have a conversation with the noise of the airplane, so I figure I’ll ask him about it after the jump. Maybe he just needs his adrenaline rush. He doesn’t seem to crave danger nearly as much as he used to, but he does get antsy if we spend too much time working without doing something to blow off steam. Maybe he had a stressful week in San Francisco. He looks at me again and smiles, bringing my hand up to his lips for another kiss.
We get to jump altitude and the door is opened. The noise level rises with the air whipping past. The first couple of jumpers take their positions and go, disappearing from sight. Kylie’s instructor eases her out to the jump spot, and when she nods that she’s ready, they both take the leap. I’m so excited and nervous for her that my heart feels like it’s going to thump right out of my chest.
Braxton turns and gives me a wink before he throws himself out of the plane, right behind Kylie.
Ronan and I move toward the open door. We both hold on to the bar, but before we can jump he turns to me.
“When we get on the ground, I have something for you,” he says.
“What is it?” I ask. It’s a little hard to hear him with all the noise.
He gives me a smile that makes my core tingle, and unzips the top of his jumpsuit. He reaches inside and pulls out a small box.
It’s a jewelry box.
Oh my god. Is that what I think it is? My tummy does a belly flop and my mouth drops open.
He slides the box back in and pulls up the zipper, giving me a sly smile.
He raises his voice above the noise of the engine. “Marry me?”
Then, with another smoldering smile, he tumbles out of the airplane.
I gasp and jump out of the plane after him.
~~~
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About the Book
This was a really fun book to write. It took a different direction than I originally anticipated, but I’m happy I went with my instincts instead of trying to force it into the mold I had in mind at first.
We first meet Selene in ALWAYS HAVE, the story of her twin brother, Braxton, and their best friend, Kylie. Poor Selene gets a little bit of a bad rap in that book, considering she causes some trouble for Brax and Ky. I know more than a few readers were peeved at her over the events in that book, and hopefully by the end, they were able to forgive her. But I’m not going to lie—I was legitimately worried when I wrote this that no one would want to read it because they were still mad at Selene.
This book gave me the chance to explore her as a character in a way I didn’t in ALWAYS HAVE. I spent a lot of time thinking about what Selene would be like. She’s a woman who lost her parents as a child, and that would certainly have an influence on the person she becomes. She also has an overprotective brother with a big personality.
Her social life is very tied to her brother, which means in some ways, she lives in his shadow. Because of that, her professional life is where she really blossomed as an individual. It’s the sphere where she gets to be truly herself. Where she can excel without leaning on her twin, or having him constantly shadowing her. So, it’s no surprise that she’s done well professionally, and earned a reputation for being competent and hard working.
But her social life still comes into play. Selene has a weakness for the wrong men. When it comes to the types of relationships my characters have, I always want to know why. Why would Selene be attracted to men who ultimately screw her over? Part of it is probably the loss of her parents and the hole they left in her life. But a lot of it is Braxton. In many ways, Braxton took over as the man in Selene’s life in the absence of their father. And Selene is drawn to men who are a lot like her brother. The problem is, Braxton was a bad boy on the outside, but a good man underneath. That’s something of a rarity. Selene keeps dating bad boys who are straight up assholes, without the redeeming good man qualities. Unfortunately, she hasn’t found one who is different.
When I was considering what sort of man to pair Selene with, my first thought was that maybe this is a story about finally falling for the “good guy.” That she’d meet a nice guy type, and perhaps the struggle would be him convincing her that she doesn’t need a bad boy to be happy.
But … wouldn’t it be even more fun if Selene met another bad boy? Another man who is everything she doesn’t need in her life? Except what if he’s EXACTLY what she needs in her life? And he needs her just as much?
That sounded awesome. And thus, Ronan Maddox.
I need to know the whys behind my heroes too, and I spent a lot of time contemplating why Ronan would be the way he is. I like it when a character’s backstory, flaws, and inner demons all make sense, and those things are what get in their way when it comes to their new relationship. Ronan experienced a traumatic event in college, losing his girlfriend in a tragic car accident. He survives, but he’s changed. He feels no fear.
So, he lives for the adrenaline highs, whether it’s from extreme sports, taking business risks, or fucking women who are hard to get. It’s his way of coping with what happened to him. Healthy? Probably not entirely. But he feels like it’s worked for him this long. Why change things now?
(Oh, Ronan. I’ll give you a reason.)
He and Selene collide when he buys the company she works for. It felt very natural to set this book in an office—centering their story around where they work. It’s the place where Selene is truly Selene, not Braxton’s twin sister. And their story could unfold as she and Ronan are thrown into working together.
My favorite part of writing this book was the dialogue. Their banter throughout the book was pure fun for me. They were so evenly matched when it came to their verbal sp
arring. Ronan held nothing back, but Selene was right there, ready to hit every curve ball out of the park.
Most of them, anyway.
And yeah, I know we get really pissed at Ronan in this book. This is one where you’re reading along and the hero just fucks everything up so royally, you kind of want to punch him in the face. I know. I get it. But I think he does a pretty good job of making up for it in the end. He needed to realize what he really had—that Selene is the perfect woman for him, and he’s just as perfect for her. I think we can cut him a little slack. He’s a guy who doesn’t normally feel fear, so when panic took him, he was ill-equipped to cope with it.
I hope you enjoyed Selene and Ronan’s story. I sure enjoyed writing it. You’ll see a little more of them down the road, I’m sure. I tend to do that.
Plus, there’s a certain assistant—Sarah. There’s a story about her tickling the back of my mind… Stay tuned!
Thanks for reading!
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About the Author
Claire Kingsley writes smart, sexy romances. She's in love with love, and finds inspiration in the stories of broken people who find love and healing together—with a generous dose of steam.
She can't imagine life without coffee, her Kindle, and the sexy heroes who inhabit her imagination. She's living out her own happily ever after in the Pacific Northwest with her husband and three kids.
Always Will: A Bad Boy Romance Page 19