by Jack Weyland
It’s funny, but I didn’t pay any attention to Emily until just before I left on my mission. And then, all of a sudden, there she was. It’s like she grew up overnight. She was always a cute kid, but by the time I left on my mission, she was really starting to look good.
That was a long time ago though. Things are different now.
Too bad about her accident. I wonder how badly her face and body were burned. Probably pretty bad. She says the operations are making her look better all the time. So maybe it won’t be too bad by the time they’re through with her.
She’s good for me. She helps me stay focused on what’s really important.
I suppose I could marry her. I respect her a lot, but do I love her? I’m not sure. She’d be good for me though, that’s for sure.
Maybe Emily and I should see each other exclusively. Just to see how it goes. With the idea that we might end up getting married. Of course she might not want me. I wouldn’t blame her. At least her flaws are on the surface. Mine are deep within me and rock-hard solid.
One thing’s for sure—if I were married to Emily, she’d inspire me to be a better person.
It’s something to think about.
* * * * *
On Monday night, after Emily and her roommates had finished having family home evening, Austin came over to see her. There were still five or six people in the apartment.
He asked her to step outside with him. She put on her coat, and they walked out to his car and got in.
“I have something I’d like to ask you,” he said.
“What?”
“I’d like us to start seeing each other exclusively.”
Emily stared at him. After a few moments, she said, “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“Why not?”
She decided to be blunt. “Because when I finally get this compression garment off, and you see the way I really am, and you decide you can’t stand to be around me anymore, it will be that much harder for me, because I’ll know the reason you walked away.”
“I won’t walk away, no matter what. We’re friends, aren’t we?”
“For both of our sakes, look some place else. Okay, look, I admit I’ve still got a few freshmen you can try.” She got out of the car and walked quickly back to her apartment, went in her room, and shut the door.
A minute later, he knocked on the door to her room. “Emily?”
“Go away please,” she called out. “I’m not feeling well.”
“We need to talk.”
“No, please just go away.”
He opened the door, walked in her room, and closed the door.
She was very much aware of the girls in her apartment and some guys from another apartment who’d seen Austin go into her room. “You can’t be in here.”
“You’re worrying about me making a move on you? My gosh, Emily, what could happen? It would take three technicians and a crane to pry you out of that outfit of yours.”
She suppressed a smile. “That may be true, but, still, it isn’t right for you to be in my room. I am the Relief Society president, you know.”
“All right, I’ll go, but there’s something I have to say. I know you’re worried about what will happen when I can see where you were burned. I worry about that too. I realize that some parts of your skin might not be perfect, but there’s something about you that keeps bringing me back. I can’t define it, but it’s there.”
“What?”
“I’m not sure. You tell me. Why do I feel so much peace when I’m with you?”
“Is that what you feel?”
“It is. The question is, why?”
“I don’t know.”
“You know, Emily, but you won’t open up to me. I think you should. You owe me at least that much.”
“What do you want to know?”
“I want to know what it was like for you when you were burned, and what it’s like for you now.”
“Why should I tell you?”
“Because that’s what friends do.”
They could hear laughter and the sounds of a game going on in the living room. She was embarrassed that she, a Relief Society president, had a guy in her room, against every rule she’d ever given to the girls in her ward.
Maybe if I tell him what he wants to know, he’ll leave me alone.
“All right,” she said, standing up, “I’ll tell you, but not here.”
They ended up in the institute building again. He moved the couch next to the window so they could look out and talk. She asked him to turn off the lights in a nearby empty classroom so it would be dimly lit in the hall.
When he sat down, she said, “All right. I’ll tell you about the fire and what it did to me.”
It took her over an hour. At first she was the only one dabbing at her eyes with one tissue after the other, but after a while they were both in tears.
“That’s what I am,” she said when she finished.
“No, that isn’t what you are. It’s what happened to you.”
“It’s the same thing.”
“I don’t think so. What you are came from that experience, but what you are is one of the most wonderful girls I’ve ever known. I care about you, Emily.”
“You feel sorry for me. It’s not the same thing.”
“I don’t feel sorry for you.”
“Austin, look, don’t use me to get back at your mom.”
“This isn’t about that.”
“Of course it is. What else could it be?”
“Why do you find it so impossible to believe I want to see if we can be more than just good friends?”
“Because I can’t understand what you see in me.”
“I see beauty and kindness and consideration for others. Don’t you know how beautiful you are?”
“I’m not beautiful, Austin. There are parts of me that are ugly.”
“When you get the compression suit off, do you think I will only value the parts of you that weren’t burned?”
“I don’t know.”
“I would still cherish every part of you.”
She shook her head. “Not even I can do that.”
“The marks on your body from the fire helped make you the person that you are now. So if I appreciate what you are, then I must value what made you that way.”
She stood up. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Because it will only end up hurting us both.”
“I thought you were the expert at pain.”
“Not this kind of pain.”
“What pain is there in my telling you that I want us to see if we can grow closer?”
“I won’t be able to take it when you walk out on me after you see the way I am now.”
“That won’t happen,” he said emphatically.
“You have no idea what a fire can do to a person. No idea at all.”
“What if I go through the burn center with you?”
“Why do you insist on this? Why not just walk away now?”
“I’m not prepared to do that. When can we tour the burn center?”
“Don’t, Austin, just leave it be.”
“Saturday morning?”
After an agonizing pause, she slowly nodded her head.
* * * * *
They drove to Salt Lake City Saturday morning. Emily had called ahead and received permission to take Austin through the burn unit. Word had gotten around that they were coming, so when they arrived, Red, Brooke, and Doug were waiting.
“This is Austin,” she said.
“Oh, very nice,” Brooke said, beaming at Emily.
“Yeah, I like him better than all the others you’ve brought around for us to see,” Red teased.
“There haven’t been any others.”
“He doesn’t have to know that, does he?” Doug piped in.
“We’re here for a tour, not for your blessings,” Emily, red-faced, said.
“Well, then, let the tour
begin!” Red chanted.
At the time there were only two patients in the unit. To protect their privacy, the group stayed away from them.
They ended up in the tank room.
“This is where we tortured Emily,” Red said.
“You’d better explain what you do here,” Emily suggested.
Austin found himself wincing as they talked about removing the dead skin and harvesting the donor sites for skin grafts. And about the daily baths. And about changing the dressings twice a day. And about physical therapy.
“I had no idea there was so much involved,” Austin said.
“Not many people do,” Red said.
Emily touched the stainless steel gurney where she had lain during washing. “I remember screaming my head off here.”
“Me too,” Red teased. “My hearing is still shot.”
“But at least you cooperated with us,” Brooke added.
Red placed his hand on Austin’s back, then leaned over to look directly into his eyes. “She was one of the best patients we’ve ever had here. It wasn’t easy for her. The way I look at it she can take anything life can dish out. That must be of some value, right?”
“I completely agree.”
Red continued. “The skin we took from donor sites is in good shape. I mean it’s not going to fall off someday, even though she might be afraid it will. Well, it’s not. It’s on there for keeps.”
“It might have a slightly different texture than the skin around it, but it’s still good skin,” Doug added.
“Absolutely,” Red said with pride.
Looking at her watch, Emily said, “Thanks for the tour, but we really need to go now.”
As he shook Austin’s hand, Red said, “Emily’s a rare gal. She’s gonna make somebody a great wife.”
“Red!” Emily warned.
He feigned innocence. “What did I say?”
* * * * *
“I’m glad we did that,” Austin said on their way back to Logan. “I think I understand things much better now.”
“You haven’t seen me yet,” she said, then turned away because she didn’t want to talk about it.
Austin wanted to believe it wouldn’t make any difference to him when Emily no longer needed to wear the pressure garment and he could see the effect of the burns on her face and neck. But, in all honesty, he wasn’t sure either.
He turned on some music. It gave them both an excuse not to talk.
* * * * *
Emily stood looking at herself in the bathroom mirror. In a few days she would no longer need to wear the compression garment that had covered her neck and head and face for so long.
She was not out of the business entirely, though. She would continue to wear a pressure garment that looked like a short-sleeve turtleneck, and, because they’d harvested so much skin from her thighs and backside, she would, for months, still be wearing compression shorts that went down to her knees.
But at least her face and neck would be freed.
She was trying to see how she’d look in public. Her hair was still much shorter than she would have liked it, and she’d thought about getting a wig to wear until hers was grown out long enough to hide part of her face and neck. But she’d decided against it. She was tired of covering up the truth about herself.
Sorry, world, but what you see is what you get, she thought.
I’ll be glad when Austin decides it’s not going to work out with us. It will make my life so much simpler. No waiting around for him to call. No wondering when we’ll see each other that day. I’ll get so much more done when I’m rid of him.
She washed herself and then struggled to get back into her pressure garment.
* * * * *
That night Austin went over to Don’s house. He found Don working at the computer with his mother in a small home office just inside the front door of the house.
“If it’s convenient, I need to ask you for some advice, Don,” Austin said.
“I’ll go worry about the dishes,” his mother said.
“Don’t just worry about them,” Don quipped.
She smiled. “He’s such a perfectionist.” And then she left.
“What’s up?” Don asked.
“Well, it’s about Emily and me. I really like her a lot, Don. Has she ever said how she feels about me?”
Chapter 15
It was never easy to read Don’s face; he smiled most of the time. But he wasn’t smiling now. It suddenly occurred to Austin that asking Don for advice about Emily maybe wasn’t the best thing to do. Austin had never stopped to think how Don might feel about her. But it was suddenly clear.
“I hope you’re not mad at me for moving into your territory,” Austin offered.
“It’s okay,” he said. “It would never work for me.”
Austin didn’t catch the last part. “I’m sorry, Don. What did you say?”
“It would never work for me,” Don said. After a moment, he added, “She likes you a lot.”
Austin was feeling very uncomfortable. The last thing he had wanted to do was hurt Don, yet he had obviously done so.
“Don, I’m sorry. I didn’t take your feelings into account. It never occurred to me that . . .”
Don shook his head slightly. “Don’t worry about it.”
Austin said, “I guess you know that she adores you. She’s always talking about you. We both admire you a lot.” Somehow that didn’t seem like much to say.
It was Don who got Austin off the hook. “So I get two friends for the price of one,” he said, smiling again. Austin had to have Don repeat himself twice before he finally understood, and then Austin smiled.
“I just want you to know that, no matter what happens, Emily and I will always be your friends, either separately, if things don’t work out, or else together.”
Don smiled. “I’d like that very much.”
* * * * *
The next Saturday, in the morning, Austin asked Emily if she wanted to go for a drive, knowing full well that he intended to end up with her at the Logan Temple grounds.
It was a sunny day, warm enough to stand being outside for a while. When they got to the temple, he asked Emily if she would take a walk with him.
They got out of the car, and he held her left hand as they walked around the temple grounds. “We need to talk,” he said.
“Really? About what?”
“I’ve never told you much about my mission. I think I’d better. It might help you understand me better.”
“Okay.”
“You remember that morning before my mission when you cooked breakfast for Jeremy and me?”
“I’ll never forget,” she said, smiling. “I did more cooking than I’d ever done before . . . or since.”
“You remember me saying I wanted to become a zone leader or mission assistant? Well, it didn’t happen.”
“It doesn’t matter that much, does it?”
“Not only that. I didn’t have very many baptisms, either.”
“As long as you did your best, that’s all that counts.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I know.” He reached down and picked up a pebble that had strayed onto the sidewalk and tossed it back in the flower bed. “I don’t talk about my mission much.”
“How come?”
“I guess because I had so few successes. Oh, one thing, I was very good at helping out in the kitchen, preparing lunches after zone conferences.”
“Good for you.”
“For a while I had a companion who was sick a lot. From that I learned to be patient. On the days he felt good enough to work, we prayed hard for help because we had so little time. And our prayers were answered. We started teaching some really good people.” He sighed. “But I was transferred before they were baptized.”
“But they were baptized, and you had a part in that.”
“I know, but it didn’t count as far as statistics go.”
“I don’t think that matters a great deal to Father in Heaven, do you?�
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“Probably not.” He cleared his throat. “The fact is, Emily, a lot of times on my mission I felt like a failure.”
“But you weren’t, though, as long as you did your best.”
“I know, but, sometimes, when other missionaries are baptizing all the time, when they’re having the success you thought you’d have, well, you start wondering what’s wrong with you.”
She squeezed his hand. “I will never believe there’s anything wrong with you.”
“Thanks, but let me finish. The next thing that happened was I was transferred to work with Vietnamese families. Since I couldn’t speak the language, all I did was smile and shake hands. I remember thinking, This isn’t at all how I thought my mission would be.”
“You never wrote me about any of this,” she said.
“I thought it’d be better to be cheerful and positive.”
“I wish you’d have let me know.”
“Yeah, I should have. But it worked out eventually. When I was at my lowest, I talked to my mission president. He taught me that the most important thing is to try to live a Christ- centered life, not just on my mission but for the rest of my life.”
“What a great lesson to learn.”
He nodded. “One more thing. For a time I served in the mission office, in charge of the commissary. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but the thing is, I tried my best to do a good job. And this one time I asked Father in Heaven if he approved of what I was doing.”
Austin paused and his hand went to his eyes, ready to wipe away the tears he felt coming.
“It’s okay, Austin,” she said.
He lowered his hand from around his eyes and looked straight ahead. “He answered my prayer,” he said softly. “I felt the Spirit so strong. And I knew that He accepted me and the service I was giving. So, after that, it didn’t matter where I served, only that I did it with all my heart, as a demonstration of my love for him.”
They stopped walking and faced each other. He looked deeply into her eyes. “Basically, that’s what my mission taught me,” he said. “Some would say that’s not much for two years.”
“I think it’s the most important thing you could have learned.”
“That’s true. It is.”
He paused. “So now maybe you know why I’m the way I am.”
“Thank you for telling me.”