Chapter 12
David
After the conversation with Colin on Saturday, I’d known I had to talk to Michelle and tell her exactly how I was feeling. Maybe once we talked things through, she’d realize things weren’t working and we would part on good terms; maybe we could even be friends. I didn’t want to fight with her; we’d been good together for a while, and I’d thought I was happy—well, at least until she’d taken the job at O’Shea’s. Her devotion for that company had made me wonder more than once if she really cared about me or she just liked having a guy to hang out with and things had started going down the drain from that moment.
When the nightmares had started, shaking me deep in my core, I’d desperately needed some support, someone to show me she cared. I’d meant to talk to her about Declan once, one evening a couple of months ago when I was feeling particularly down, but she’d had a tough day at work, and all she’d wanted had been a quiet night at her place, frozen pizza and some chill-out time between the sheets. She hadn’t been able to see past my mask; she hadn’t noticed my fake smile when I’d said okay or the way I’d swallowed the lump in my throat. Just like I’d done many times in front of my family, wanting to be the strong one, the one my sisters and my parents could depend on, I’d pushed back the pain and pretended I was a normal, carefree guy, who wanted to enjoy the evening with his girlfriend—and she’d believed me. Colin had never for a minute believed Kathy’s wonder woman act, not even when she’d tried to push him away when she was still in a wheelchair. He’d been able to see past the walls around her heart and bring them down—because he loved her.
I’d never brought up the subject again after that night, mainly because I’d been determined to get over it by myself, counting on my own strength only. If the nightmares hadn’t started, maybe I wouldn’t have doubted my feelings for her and we would still be as good as before.
When Claire had entered the picture, with her ginger curls and her cute smile, I’d already started realizing my relationship with Michelle was doomed. My conversation with Colin on Saturday night had put the last nail in the coffin: knowing that I’d never feel comfortable opening up with Michelle had made me see the light. I could never spend my life with a person I didn’t trust with my family’s secret. Someone who put her job first now, would never change. My brother had shown me life was short and way too unpredictable: I couldn’t waste my time, my efforts, my love on someone who didn’t understand me, who didn’t see the real me—who didn’t love me.
That was why I’d called her first thing on Sunday morning: I’d wanted to meet up and finally do what I should’ve done weeks ago. When I’d called her though, she’d told me she was on her way to Dublin to catch a flight to London. Apparently she’d be attending a convention there for a week and she hadn’t bothered to inform me—probably because she was still mad at me for what had happened on Friday night, and the fact I’d ditched her on Saturday to spend time with Colin.
So after Kathy and Colin had left to head back home to Sligo, I’d made a couple of phone calls and ended up in that pub in Salthill with a group of friends, where I’d played knight in shining armor, earning a black eye.
All week I waited for Michelle’s return, trying to avoid being near Claire as much as I could, for fear of doing something I would regret. It seemed that when I was around her, nobody and nothing else existed. I’d never felt like that with Michelle, and I knew this had to mean something.
When she finally called me on Friday afternoon after a week of meaningless text messages, I knew I couldn’t delay it any longer. Even though she said she was tired and would rather meet me tomorrow, I couldn’t stand to wait another day. I needed to talk to her and get it over with.
When I pulled into the parking spaces across the street from her building, I felt sick to my stomach. I got out of the car and when she opened the door and wrapped her arms around my neck, standing on her tiptoes to kiss me, my body stiffened at the contact with her lips. She pulled back and raised a questioning eyebrow.
“Can I come in?” My tone was wary and I saw her face fall. I felt like a real bastard, and I wondered how other men managed to break their women’s hearts as easily as breathing. I didn’t want to hurt her, but lying wasn’t an option.
She stepped aside and let me in, walking toward the living room as I closed the door behind me.
“What’s wrong, David?” she asked, leaning against the back of the couch with her arms crossed over her chest. She already sounded mad, and this wasn’t good. I didn’t want her to be mad at me—I wanted her to understand I was being honest.
“I’ve been thinking about us while you were gone.” My throat felt like sandpaper, and I had to swallow and inhale deeply before I could go on. “Things aren’t like they used to be. I’m sure you’ve noticed.”
Her face went pale, and for a second I thought she was going to faint. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and tucked my hands in the back pockets of my jeans.
“What are you talking about? We’re doing great.” Her voice wobbled, and I wondered whether she was pretending to be blind or was simply grasping at straws. “We’ve hit some rough spots but we’re okay. We still love each other; that’s all that matters.”
Her blue eyes searched mine, and I saw the moment realization hit her: when she couldn’t find any trace of the old David there, any trace of love. Her shoulders drooped and she pursed her lips, as her eyes began to veil with tears. This was awful. I’d expected her to cry of course, but it still sucked to know I was the cause of it.
“We still love each other, don’t we?” She looked me straight in the eye, and I couldn’t bear it so I broke contact. When I looked away, she let out a gasp and took a step toward me, her hands reaching out for mine. I didn’t take them and her face fell.
“Talk to me, David. Lately you’ve been acting so weird; you’re always so moody. I feel like I don’t know you anymore.”
I knew this was my cue to come clean, but I didn’t know where to start. I couldn’t blame her completely for the downfall of our relationship, because in a way I had some part in it, too. When we’d started dating, Declan had been dead for only six months. I’d still been in a haze, and with all that was happening to Kathy, I hadn’t had time to process the whole thing. I’d been in denial, and had acted as if nothing had happened. In my mind, Declan had still been in New York, not six feet under.
After the nightmares had started getting more frequent and everything sunk in, my attitude had changed. I’d stopped spending the night at her place, afraid that I’d talk or scream in my sleep, and I’d become a little gloomier. Somewhere along the way I’d forgotten the reason why I’d fallen for Michelle in the first place. I guess at the time I’d just needed someone to take my mind off the tragedy that had struck our family, and I’d wanted to feel like a normal young man. Having a girlfriend would fill the hole in my heart that my brother had left.
Michelle took another step closer to me and finally took my hand in hers. For the first time, I didn’t feel the warmth I used to feel. How had things changed so drastically?
“David, tell me the truth. Are you seeing someone else?” She frowned and pulled her hands back, balling them into fists on her hips when I didn’t reply straight away. “It’s the redhead, isn’t it? We were doing just fine before that slut entered the picture.”
I took a step back, as if she’d just slapped me. “Don’t call her that!”
My reaction was instinctive, and it shocked me more than it did Michelle. She’d obviously thought I was cheating on her with Claire anyway, but I hadn’t meant to snap like that.
Michelle looked at me with a half-smirk, and I wasn’t sure if she was more satisfied for having caught me red-handed—even though, technically, I hadn’t done anything wrong—or sad that her suspicions were right.
“Claire has nothing to do with us, and you know I’m not a cheater,” I said, trying to control my tone.
She stared at me with a raised e
yebrow, walked into the adjoining kitchen, and pulled a can of soda out of the fridge. She didn’t bother offering me one, not that I wanted it anyway; my stomach was twisted in knots.
She cracked open the can, and took a long pull before staring at me again. “Then why are you so defensive of her? Why would it matter that I called her a slut if you didn’t have feelings for her?”
“Because I don’t think it’s fair you should blame her for something she didn’t do.” I raked a hand through my hair and inhaled deeply, letting it all out in an exasperated sigh. I hated that she’d brought Claire into this. Okay, I had to admit that after she’d crashed into my life, I’d felt things I wasn’t supposed to feel for anyone but my girlfriend. And if I had to be totally honest with myself, I’d dragged out my relationship with Michelle for months, just because I thought we could sort things out, that maybe in a little while I’d be able to tell her the whole truth about my brother and we’d be happy, just like Kathy and Colin. Then she got that job and she’d turned into a person I wasn’t sure I liked anymore. At just about the same time, the nightmares started and Claire entered the picture—both things shaking my world to the foundations till I wasn’t even sure I knew my own thoughts.
“Claire’s got nothing to do with this. Things have been strained for months, but you were always too busy with your beloved job to notice I was troubled. You and your stupid job were what tore us apart, Michelle. Don’t go blaming other people, now.”
She let out a gasp and her eyes grew wide. “So now it’s my fault? Because I have a good job in a time where every other person is unemployed? Now I’m the one who pushed you into her arms? Way to flip the cards, David.” She let out a wry chuckle and shook her head.
I didn’t like where this was going, but since we’d opened Pandora’s Box, I might as well get it all off my chest. “What about all the times you bailed on me because you had to work late? And that time you kissed that colleague of yours? Have you forgotten that?”
“He kissed me; I didn’t kiss him back! And I told you about that as soon as we met the following day.” Her cheeks were flaming red. I’d never seen her so upset, and we’d never raised our voices before. “But you never even mentioned the redhead until that night she showed up at the pub with her crazy friend. I noticed how friendly you were, and you’d been acting so weird lately that I was sure you were hiding something.”
I rolled my eyes. “I was as friendly as I would’ve been with anyone else. It’s not as if I had her sit on my lap or held her hand all evening.”
She lifted a shoulder and looked away. “I’m not with you around the clock. You work together: I don’t know what you do when you’re at the university.”
I chuckled dryly. “So you think that because you cheated on me, I’d use Claire to get back at you? What are we, sixteen?”
“You’re such an asshole, David.” She took a long, ragged breath, and squeezed her eyes shut for a second. When she opened them again, she glowered at me as if she could incinerate me. “All these months we’ve been together, you’ve always played a part. You’ve never shown your real self until today.”
“I haven’t played any part. It was me all along. I was just hiding the broken side of me ’cause I didn’t want to upset you, especially since you were so career-oriented that you barely had time to fit me into your busy schedule for a night out. I didn’t think you’d want to spend the time listening to my rants.”
She quirked an eyebrow again, and it annoyed the crap out of me. “You called my sister to ask what was wrong, but you never bothered asking me instead. You just pretended everything was okay, but I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay in a long time, and you never did anything to show me you cared. You were always too preoccupied with your job to notice.”
She took another gulp of her soda, and her shoulders tensed, as she fought for control. She looked just about ready to punch me, as her fingers squeezed the can. I’d never seen this side of her before, and I didn’t like it one bit.
“Okay, so now you want to throw it all away because I didn’t ask how you were feeling?”
I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. “You’ve always been so busy you never even cared to know how I was coping with losing my brother. You’ve never even noticed I was wearing a fake smile most of the time.”
She froze with the can in mid-air, and her shoulders drooped. At least she’d had the decency to realize she hadn’t been the most caring girlfriend.
“Fine. I’m sorry I never asked about your brother. I just thought you didn’t want to talk about it, that maybe you needed time to get over it.” She shrugged and I suddenly felt hollow.
“Maybe I did. At first I was in complete denial, but when the nightmares started, it all came crashing down. I didn’t want to unload my problems on you so I just pretended I was okay. You say you love me but you never even seemed to notice I wasn’t the same.”
She frowned and stared at me. “What nightmares?”
Oops, slip of the tongue. That wasn’t supposed to come out. The way this conversation was headed, I didn’t really feel comfortable talking about that now.
I leaned with both my hands on the back of a kitchen chair, and hung my head. Now I’d have to tell her about the nightmares, but at least this was a safe subject that wouldn’t involve Kathy.
“I’ve been having these terrifying nightmares for a few months. It’s as if my brother was trying to give me a clue to something, but I still can’t make out what it means.”
My hands gripped the iron railing of the chair so tight I thought my skin would break. She came closer and put a hand on my back. I wanted to shake it away.
“I know losing your brother was hard on you; it was a terrible tragedy and anyone would’ve been devastated, to say the least.” Her tone was softer, caring almost, and I wished we could start our conversation over and avoid the whole yelling part. “I’m not saying you can’t grieve his loss, but David, it’s been almost two years: it’s time you came to terms with it. You can’t keep hiding behind some silly fantasy; your brother isn’t coming back, and he’s certainly not talking to you in your sleep either.” She shook her head and took a step to the right so she was facing me. “Thinking he is, is… is just crazy, don’t you see? For heaven’s sakes, David, you’re a scientist: you can’t really believe that dead people come back to communicate with the living. Maybe you should talk to a doctor, someone who could help you stop these… hallucinations you think you’re having. Maybe they could give you some pills and make you feel better.”
My heart skipped a beat. Actually a few ones. “Are you saying I’m crazy and I need a shrink?”
“Maybe just talk to a psychologist or someone like that.” She reached out her hand to touch my forearm but I recoiled.
“Don’t. Just… please, don’t touch me.”
I didn’t want her to touch me. I didn’t want her to ever touch me again. It was as if the veil that covered my eyes had dropped, and I was seeing a different person. The girl who’d always put her job first. The girl who’d let her colleague kiss her, even though he knew she was in a relationship. But now that I looked at our relationship with new eyes, eyes that Claire had opened for me, I realized how shallow and empty it was. On the outside, we had a normal relationship two twenty-seven-year-olds had. But looking at it now, looking at us, I realized this wasn’t a real relationship between two people who planned to spend the rest of their lives together. We never talked—really talked about serious stuff, about our dreams and our plans for the future. I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me but for what everyone could see. I couldn’t be my real self with her. I never had been.
“David, please don’t be like this. You’re scaring me.” She came closer and I took a step back. Then I looked at her, really looked, and she was a stranger to me.
“You’re calling me insane, and I’m scaring you? What’s wrong with you, Michelle? Why can’t you just try to understand how hard this is for me?”
She heaved a sigh, and gave me one of those wry smiles you give a stubborn child. “Did you even listen to what you said? Maybe the fact that your sister is writing a story about someone being saved by an angel influenced you and your mind. You can’t really believe there’s such a thing as angels sending messages in dreams or any other way.”
My blood froze. I couldn’t let her get close to the truth. She had just turned out to be a person I knew I could never trust, and Colin was right. If Kathy were involved, she’d get hurt; I’d never let anyone hurt my little sister. Ever.
“Your sister has a writer’s imagination, and maybe you just want to find something that will help you cope with your grief, but really, David, it’s just fiction. Maybe she came up with the idea when she was at the hospital and they gave her some medicine that caused hallucinations, but that doesn’t mean—”
“Don’t,” I snapped, gritting my teeth. “Don’t you dare say a word about my sister. You can call me all the names you like, tell me I’m crazy, delusional, or whatever, but don’t you dare bring my sister into this.”
She rolled her eyes, and I took a step back away from her. With every passing minute I needed to put more distance between us, between this stranger and me. “This thing between us has only been some kind of shallow, meaningless relationship that wasn’t meant to go anywhere.”
She let out a gasp, and for a second I felt sorry. She’d been a part of my life for more than a year, and I’d be lying if I said that I’d never cared for her, but it meant nothing to me now. I’d been dragging this out for months, even though I’d felt that things had changed, that my feelings had slowly withered like a plant that had been neglected. Then Claire came along, and she was like a boost of chlorophyll to my withered leaves. When she was around, I felt alive again.
Finding Our Hearts Page 10