Finding Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  I chuckled. “In my room. Come on, I guess this chat’s long overdue.”

  We stepped inside my room and she plopped down on my bed, kicked off her high-heeled shoes and sat cross-legged on the mattress. I sat next to her.

  “Want your present first?”

  She quirked an eyebrow, and I raised my hands in a peace gesture. “Okay, guess that’s a no. Well, what do you want to know? Things just didn’t work out. We weren’t… compatible.”

  Kathy let out a huff. “Then why did you lie to me when I asked if everything was okay, that day in Mum’s kitchen? You said you’d let me know if you needed help.”

  “I still thought we could work out our problems. I didn’t want to annoy you with my issues, when you were already overwhelmed with your wedding, your book and everything else.” I shrugged and pulled up my legs, crossing them Indian-style just like my sister. “At some point I realized I didn’t feel for Michelle the way Colin feels for you. I wasn’t in love with her; I didn’t trust her with our secret. And when something slipped out while I was breaking up with her, she freaked out and said I was crazy and I should get over it already.”

  Kathy let out a gasp, and brought a hand to her mouth. “Did you tell her everything?”

  I shook my head. “I only told her about the nightmares, and that I thought Declan was sending me a message.”

  “Wait. What nightmares?”

  Oh, no. She didn’t need to know this. I’d never been a good liar, and this was just further proof. Whenever I’d tried to hide something, I’d ended up blabbing it out. Stupid me.

  “It’s nothing, really. Just some stupid nightmares I’ve been having recently.”

  “What are they about?” Kathy put a hand on my knee, and I looked at her. Her eyes were full of concern, but there was also understanding in them. “You know you can talk about it with me, David; you know I’d understand you better than anyone else.”

  I nodded, and placed my hand on top of hers. “I’m not sure what they mean. It’s like it’s building up to something.” She frowned. I knew I didn’t make any sense, but I didn’t know how to explain it. “It’s a cluster of images: there are people crying, screams, terrifying stuff that doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s always the same dream, but every time, there’s a new detail that wasn’t there before.”

  “You think Declan’s trying to tell you something?”

  Hearing the sweet tone in her voice, as opposed to Michelle’s disdain at my confession, warmed my heart. For just a few minutes that night at Michelle’s I’d felt I was going crazy, but it was good to feel normal, even when talking about my angel brother. I nodded.

  “Then I guess he’ll give you a clue sooner or later.”

  “Or maybe he’s just taking his revenge on me for all the stupid things I did to him when we were kids.”

  We laughed, then Kathy turned serious all of a sudden. “How are you feeling now? About the break-up, I mean?”

  I shrugged again. It was something I did a lot these days. How did I feel? I’d barely noticed we’d broken up, since Claire was all I could think about.

  “I’m okay. It’d been over for a while, so it wasn’t a tragedy. I’d only hoped we could part on good terms, but she made it impossible.”

  Kathy smiled and turned her hand palm up, squeezing mine. “I guess she wasn’t your soul mate, then. She’s out there somewhere, and if it’s meant to be, you’ll meet her.”

  I snorted. “Sorry, I don’t believe in this new-age crap, Sis. You met your Prince Charming, but that doesn’t mean there’s a princess waiting for me to rescue her from a nasty dragon somewhere.”

  “It’s no new-age crap—it’s just faith. If you believe in true love, then true love will find you somehow.”

  I let out a chuckle. “You and your fiancé are nauseating. Let’s open presents now before I throw up.”

  Kathy put on a fake pout and crossed her arms over her chest. I pushed myself up from the bed and reached into the wardrobe for her present. Her pout disappeared in zero seconds when she saw the beautifully wrapped box. Yes, my sister was a sucker for Christmas presents, especially those perfectly enclosed within shiny paper and with a bow on top.

  “Merry Christmas, Kathy.”

  She took the little rectangular box from my hand, and stared at it for a moment. Good thing I’d asked the sales assistant to wrap it for me, because I doubted I would’ve done a job half as good.

  “It’s beautiful.”

  I laughed. “You know that if you want to see the real present, you should actually open it, right?”

  She glared at me. “Ha ha. Very funny.” She removed the bow, and, careful not to tear the paper, she opened it. When she saw the box hidden inside she frowned, and gasped when she opened it.

  “Aw, David. It’s gorgeous!”

  She pulled out the silver and gold designer fountain pen I’d ordered especially for her, with her initials carved on the side of the cap.

  “Thought you’d need a good pen to sign all the millions of books you’ll sell.”

  She smiled. “It’s perfect. Thank you so much.” She turned it over in her hands and noticed the initials on the cap. A grin broke across her face. “Colin will be happy to know you added the B.”

  “Yeah, well, you’ll be a Byrne soon, but deep down you’re still an O’Hagan—don’t you ever forget.”

  I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her to my chest. Her arms went around my waist and she rested her cheek against my sweater. “I love you, Kathy. Even when you’ll be too famous to have time for your old brother.”

  I placed a kiss on the top of her head and she giggled against my chest. “You’re so silly, David. But I love you, too.” She pulled away a little and looked at me with a silly grin. “And I’m sure you’ll find your true love one day.”

  I rolled my eyes, even though something inside me told me I’d probably already met her, even though I still had to find a way to get to her heart. But I wasn’t going to let my sister know that a part of me had started believing in this “new-age crap” since bumping into Claire.

  A knock on the door interrupted our conversation, and as we both looked in the direction of the door, Colin’s head peeped in.

  “You okay, guys?”

  Kathy’s face brightened as if someone had flipped a switch inside her body. I wished Claire would look like that when she saw me. I let go of my sister, and she jumped off the bed and straight into Colin’s arms, showing him the present I’d given her.

  Chapter 17

  Claire

  Christmas wasn’t as bad as I’d dreaded. Sure, I missed my mother and I’d had a lump in my throat for the entire day beforehand, but when we all gathered around the big oval table in my aunt’s dining room and everyone fussed over my cousin Alan’s little princess, I realized that life went on. My mum couldn’t celebrate her favorite holiday with me, but I was sure she wouldn’t have wanted me to spend the day alone in my room, with puffy eyes and a runny nose.

  I used the chance to catch up with my cousin Theresa, who’d been studying in Madrid over the past few months as part of an exchange program, and she told me all about the great museums she’d seen. I’d never been anywhere outside Ireland, but hearing her talk about all the places she’d been to during her stay in Spain had made me wish I could travel a bit more. I wondered if David had traveled much, and I immediately scolded myself for thinking about him.

  When Alan’s daughter crawled over to the armchair where I was seated, I lifted her up and bounced her up and down on my legs, making her giggle. She was such a cute, chubby little thing I couldn’t help wishing I could bring home with me. I would love to have a baby one day—actually, two or three. My mind drifted again, and I wondered if my babies would have ginger hair and blue eyes if the father were David. Luckily, little Mary Anne brought me back to reality when she yanked one of my curls so hard I feared she’d pull it out, and I immediately dismissed the thought of David and me having babies. Seriously
, saying I was ridiculous was the understatement of the year.

  Even though I’d hoped to be back in Galway soon after Christmas, Theresa managed to persuade me to stay until the New Year, so we could celebrate together in town. There would be concerts and lots of fun in Dublin City to celebrate the countdown, and for once in my life I decided to leave my nerd alter ego at home where she belonged, and just act the way a twenty-four-year-old should.

  Eventually, it turned out to be great. We danced, sang at the top of our lungs, and didn’t need to get heavy on the alcohol to enjoy the party. When the countdown ended and everybody shouted, “Happy New Year!” in English and in Irish, I made my first new year’s resolution: find happiness. It was a huge thing to achieve, but from now on I didn’t want to dwell on the what-ifs. From now on, I’d put myself first and love Nerdy Claire, Dreamy Claire and, why not, even Party Claire. She’d turned out to be quite fun tonight, and I’d definitely need to have her around more often.

  When I returned to work after Christmas break, I gave myself a very long and detailed pep talk about David. New Year’s resolution number two had been to get over David O’Hagan, since I couldn’t get involved with a fellow employee, nor did I want to be anyone’s rebound. I was confident I could tackle this.

  As soon as Susan greeted him, my hands went all clammy and I squeezed my eyes shut as I repeated my mantra in my head. He’s just a man: he’s not worth your time. He’s just a man: he’s not worth your tears.

  Footsteps thudded into my office and I lifted my head to prove to myself that I could do this. The second I saw his beautiful face, common sense deserted me completely. Who was I kidding? He wasn’t just a man: he was the man I’d be willing to follow to the ends of the Earth in a pair of flip-flops. Was it possible that he’d become even more gorgeous than he was the last time I’d seen him?

  “Hi, Claire. Happy New Year.”

  Aw, his voice. I’d forgotten how melodic it was. I could listen to him read the phone book and I’d never get bored. Yuck, I sound like the heroine of a cheap B-movie.

  “How were your holidays?” His voice pulled my dreamy head back down to planet Earth, and I looked behind him to check whether Susan was listening to our conversation. She was, of course, and with narrowed eyes. Ugh.

  “Good. I had a big Christmas lunch, visited a couple of museums, and even went to a ballet for the first time in my life.”

  Was I babbling? I probably was, but he didn’t seem to mind. Instead of turning on his heels and leaving the office, he took a step closer to me and smiled.

  “Sounds cool. I’ve never been to a ballet either. Definitely not a guy thing.” He chuckled and it reverberated through my body. A chill ran down my spine. Was I going insane? “So were you in Dublin for New Year’s Eve? I’d take it personally if you were back in Galway and didn’t come to my friends’ party.”

  I blushed. Sometimes I really hated my pale complexion. My face was an open book for everyone to see. Before I replied, I threw a glance into Susan’s office, to make sure she wasn’t listening to us. I really hoped she hadn’t heard his comment.

  “Um, yes. There were concerts and events in the city, so my cousin and I went there.” I said, when I heard her talking on the phone about some work-related stuff.

  “Okay, you’re forgiven then.” He winked and came closer to me, leaning with his hands on my desk. My instinct told me to pull back in my chair and put some distance between us, but I couldn’t. Having him so near gave me chills, and my New Year’s resolution number two was flashing like a neon sign in my brain; if I moved away now, though, he’d probably think I was implying he had bad breath or something.

  Yeah, right. Nice excuse, Claire. Try again.

  “Kathy’s having a signing at Eason bookstore in a couple of weeks,” he whispered conspiratorially. “She thinks nobody will show up, so I’m spreading the word about it. I’m not sure if she told Ciara, but please make sure she comes too.”

  The fact that he was whispering could only mean that he didn’t want Susan to know. I was flattered that he was inviting me.

  “I’d love to go. I’ll tell Ciara tonight. Let me know the day and time, and we’ll be there.” I kept my tone low, to match his and to make sure Susan wouldn’t hear, even though I could still hear her talking on the phone.

  His face broke into a beautiful, sweet smile. “Thanks. Kathy’ll be happy to see ya.” He straightened, and I nearly gave a sigh of relief when my personal space was restored. “I’d better go now. See ya.”

  He spun and left the office with a brief acknowledgment to Susan, nothing like the cheerful tone he’d used with me. Susan threw a murderous glance my way, then she stood from her chair, grabbed a pile of sheets and dropped it onto my desk.

  “I need you to go through these exams sheets. I’ve got more important stuff to take care of today, and these need to be finished by tomorrow.”

  She spun on her heels, took a step and turned back toward me, speaking over her shoulder. “Oh, and I don’t need to remind you the no-socializing policy, do I?”

  I felt the urge to tell her she should mind her freaking business and that I was going to talk to David as much as I wanted, but then I realized it wouldn’t be very professional of me, let alone a mature behavior. After all, I couldn’t really blame her for wanting to take revenge on me. I would have probably put her head in the trash bin if I’d seen David lean close and whisper things to her.

  “Okay, leave it with me,” I said, very professionally, and mentally congratulated myself for keeping my cool. After all, I’d been invited to Kathy’s book signing, and she hadn’t. Score one for me, Susan.

  David didn’t mention the signing again, and I found myself wondering whether he’d only invited me out of politeness or if he really wanted me to go. I’d always been a little insecure, but when it came to David O’Hagan, I was perpetually afraid of doing or saying something stupid, something that would show him my real feelings, which, in spite of my monumental efforts, I hadn’t been able to squash in the least. I didn’t want him to think I was flirting with him, or that I wanted to be more than a friend—even though it was exactly what my heart craved.

  Kathy had texted Ciara with the date and time of the signing. It would be on a Monday afternoon, January 27th, and I’d be going straight to Eason after leaving the office. I hoped that Susan wouldn’t ask me to work overtime, just to take further revenge on me. It couldn’t be a mere coincidence that lately she seemed be leaving me with all the stuff she didn’t want to do herself.

  On Sunday, Ciara reminded me of the signing at least five times, usually batting her eyelashes with a silly grin on her face, or making kissing noises. I just nodded and refrained from telling her that I wouldn’t have been able to forget it even if I’d wanted to. Anything related to David O’Hagan stuck to my brain like superglue.

  I changed my outfit three times that morning before finally settling on a pair of tweed dark-gray pants and a light-pink woolen cardigan. I didn’t exactly look the way I hoped would make David turn his head and wolf whistle at me, but I didn’t want him to think I’d dressed up for the occasion—or for him. Even though New Year’s resolution number two still played in my head every time I saw him, I couldn’t help myself, and most of the time I just mentally shut it up and told it to go to hell.

  The day passed quickly; David didn’t show up in the office after his class like he usually did, and I was slightly disappointed, but I could guess he’d left to be with his sister, and that was just another wonderful thing about him. The way he cared about his family said a lot.

  When I finally left the office and met Ciara just outside the university grounds, my heart was beating wildly in my chest and my hands were so sweaty I didn’t even bother putting gloves on. It was a chilly January day, but it felt like a July afternoon on a tropical island to me. I gave Ciara a fake smile, and received an ear-to-ear grin that told me she’d seen right through my mask.

  “He’ll be very happy that you showed
up at his sister’s event.” Ciara patted my forearm with her mitt-clad hand. “You’ll earn a lot of points for this. I’m sure he’ll have eyes only for you in that bookstore.”

  I lifted a shoulder as if I didn’t care, and Ciara laughed. I’d never be able to fool her, but most importantly, I’d never be able to fool myself. I yearned for David’s approval more than I cared to admit. I’d checked the blurb of Kathy’s novel online as soon as it was available, and it didn’t look like the kind of books I loved reading. Even so, I’d stopped by Eason and bought a copy on Saturday afternoon; now it was tucked inside my messenger bag, and I’d be standing in line to get it signed. It would earn a special spot on my bookshelf just because the name O’Hagan was on the cover, even if it turned out to be the most boring book I’d ever read.

  Gosh, I was such a pathetic mess.

  Chapter 18

  David

  “Nice pen.”

  Kathy looked up from the book she’d been signing to the girl in line before me, gave it back to her and thanked her. As soon as the girl moved and I stepped in front of the table, my sister smirked at me, tapping the pen I’d given her for Christmas against her cheek.

  “Yeah, well, it’s not really my style, but you can’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

  I handed my copy to her, and she smiled, blushing a little as she fidgeted with the pen. I bet she still wasn’t used to people wanting her autograph. Although most of the people here had probably never even heard her name, the fact that she was a Galway native was apparently enough for the residents to show up and queue to get their copy autographed.

  “You shouldn’t have bought it. I would’ve given you one of the complimentary copies I received from the publisher.”

  I shrugged. “You need to become a New York Times bestselling author, and I wanted to help with that.”

  She chuckled and scribbled something on the first page, closed the book and gave it back to me. “Can you stick around for a while? We could grab a coffee once I’m finished.”