“I just want things to be the way they were,” she said plaintively.
“Sorry, but that’s not possible,” Hannah said. She finished filling the basket she’d been working on, watered it, and then hung it from one of the hooks on the porch before facing Kelsey directly. “Sounds to me as if you have some more thinking to do. I’ll leave you to it.”
“Mom, I’ve been thinking so much, my head hurts. Just tell me what to do.”
“Oh, sweetie, I wish I could, but, as hard as it is for me to stand by and watch, this is your life. You’re an adult now. You have to make your own decisions. You’re just figuring out that actions have consequences, sometimes consequences that can change everything. I will tell you one thing, though. Having you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Sure, I hadn’t planned to get pregnant and your dad and I probably weren’t ready for a child, but there hasn’t been one single minute in all these years that I’ve regretted having you in my life.”
“I’m just so afraid I would regret it,” Kelsey said. “And sooner or later the baby would grow up and figure out that it was a mistake.”
“Possibly,” Hannah agreed, again in that carefully neutral tone. “Especially if you choose to see him or her that way. Or maybe you can start looking at this as an untimely and unexpected blessing. But if you really can’t see it that way, then Jeff still has the right to make his own choice. You can’t take that away from him, not if he’s the decent young man you say he is.”
Kelsey wished like anything that she could look at this the way her mom wanted her to, that she could see the positive side of it, but right this minute, it just wasn’t possible. And she hated the way that made her feel about herself and the kind of person she must be.
After her conversation with Kelsey, Hannah immediately went for a walk on the beach despite the wind that had kicked up. There was a storm brewing offshore, which meant she’d probably get soaked before she got back, but she didn’t care. Right now the spray of salt-water felt good and the tumultuous waves matched the chaos of her thoughts.
She’d worked hard to hide her disappointment in Kelsey, but she suspected she hadn’t been entirely successful. She recognized that her daughter was only twenty, still a child in some ways, and was struggling with a lot of conflicting emotions. Even so, it had been difficult to remain neutral when so much of what Kelsey had said sounded totally self-absorbed.
Hannah knew she had to refrain from using her own struggles as proof that things could work out. Kelsey obviously didn’t see it that way. Despite Kelsey’s denials, it was plain enough to Hannah that Kelsey thought she’d been shortchanged because of her mostly absent father. Whatever Hannah had done to make sure her daughter wanted for nothing, emotionally or materially, apparently hadn’t been enough. The realization stung.
Suddenly a wave splashed ashore, drenching her, but the chilly water also served as an odd kind of wake-up notice, as well. Somewhere deep inside, where old emotions had been slumbering for years, she recognized Kelsey’s feelings in herself.
Hadn’t she been just as resentful of her mom after her father had gone? Hadn’t she felt abandoned and cheated out of a real family? The love showered on her by her mother and her grandparents was more than many kids had, but it hadn’t filled the empty space inside of Hannah.
The salty sea spray mixed with tears as she remembered how bereft she’d felt after her father had gone, how angry she’d been at her mother for not finding some way to keep him with them or bring him back. There had been one pivotal moment, when all of her fury had come bursting forth. She could recall it as vividly now as the day it had happened.
She’d been twelve, and her dad had only been gone a few months. She had come racing home from school, report card in hand, thrilled with her straight A’s. She’d imagined the reward money she’d get and how she would spend it.
But when she’d shown the grades to her mom, there’d been hugs and lavish praise, but nothing more. It was her dad who’d established the tradition of giving her five dollars for each A she earned, her dad who’d always said that hard work deserved to be rewarded. In her mind it wasn’t the money per se that she craved, but the acknowledgment in such a tangible form that what she’d accomplished was deserving of his respect. In a way, it was a contract between the two of them, and it had been broken.
She’d turned on her mother furiously. “Dad would have cared. He would have known how hard I worked for these grades. You don’t love me the way he did,” she accused. Then for good measure, she’d added, “I hate you for letting him go away. I hate you! It’s all your fault he’s not here anymore.”
And then she’d run from the room, not caring about the stricken expression on her mother’s face.
Later that night, it was her grandmother who’d come to her room. She’d sat gingerly on the edge of the bed and handed Hannah an envelope with six crisp five-dollar bills.
“I want to ask you something,” she said as Hannah clutched the money, a sick feeling in her stomach. “Is that money more important to you than your mother’s feelings?”
Blinking back a fresh batch of tears, Hannah avoided her gaze. “What do you mean?” she asked, though she already knew.
“I understand that you miss your father, especially on a day like today, but do you feel one bit better for having made your mother feel as if she failed you?”
It was the first time Hannah had realized that what she said could wound another person, especially an adult. Somehow she’d thought adults were immune to the words that spilled from her in anger. Or maybe she’d just thought they deserved them. Or maybe she hadn’t really thought about it at all, just lashed out because there was so much hurt bottled up inside and it had to go somewhere.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“I’m not the one who needs to hear that,” her grandmother said. “Tell your mother, but don’t do it until you truly mean it, until you fully understand that sometimes she hurts just as much as you do because of the way things turned out with Clayton. And it’s a thousand times harder for her, because she aches for you, too, not just herself.”
Hannah had grown up a little that night. Not all the way, but enough to think before she spoke. And, amazingly, her resentment had died when she’d tried to look at the situation from her mother’s perspective. Instead, she was able to view her as another victim of her father’s abandonment, rather than someone who’d been responsible for it.
And now that she thought about it, that had been as instrumental in the outcome of her own uneasy marriage as her eventual divorce had been to Kelsey. She’d learned that a bad marriage wasn’t necessarily better than no marriage at all. And when two people eventually walked away from each other, they did it because they had to, not to make life more painful for their children.
Kelsey apparently still had that lesson to grasp. Hannah couldn’t help wondering if she would figure it out in time to make this life-altering decision ahead of her for the right reasons.
11
When Hannah returned from her walk, she was greeted by her grandmother, who held out her cell phone as if it were poisonous.
“You left this sitting on the kitchen counter,” she said. “It’s been ringing off and on ever since you went for your walk. You said it takes its own messages, so you probably ought to check them. Anytime someone calls that much, it has to be important. At least they think it is.”
“Thanks, Gran,” Hannah said, scrolling down the caller ID. Every call had been from her boss. “Looks like another crisis at work.”
“You going to call back?” Grandma Jenny asked, studying her curiously as she set the phone aside. “What’s going on, Hannah? You don’t seem especially anxious to speak to your boss. Is he pressuring you about coming back?”
“No, no pressure,” Hannah said. Mainly because she hadn’t been taking his calls.
“Then why don’t you want to talk to him?”
Hannah wasn’t sure she could explain. Maybe she was
more like Kelsey than she’d realized. Maybe she, too, wanted to avoid awkward conversations. And this one was bound to be awkward. Her two weeks of leave would be up in a couple of days, but she was no closer to resolving things at Seaview than she’d been when she’d arrived. If anything, she had more problems to deal with. She couldn’t go back yet and Dave was going to be justifiably furious about it.
“You said he hasn’t been pressuring you, but he does want you back in New York, doesn’t he?”
Hannah nodded.
“Are you going?”
“How can I? Kelsey needs me right now. So do you.”
Her grandmother gestured toward a chair. “Sit down.” She waited until Hannah had complied, then looked her in the eye. “I’m sure Kelsey appreciates your support, but as I’ve said before, your daughter needs to find her own solutions. I already know exactly what I intend to do, which is open this inn at the end of next week. I’m grateful you came running down here to check on me and I’m delighted that Kelsey’s here. I’d like you to stay longer, because I’m selfish. But if you have obligations in New York, you can go back to them with a clear conscience.”
Hannah didn’t know why she wasn’t eager to seize the chance her grandmother was giving her, but she was no happier about it than she had been when Luke reminded her that he was here to provide backup. “It doesn’t feel right to go back right now with everything that’s going on here.”
“It’s not because of Luke, is it?”
“No,” Hannah said, and it was true. She and Luke did have a certain amount of chemistry that might be worth exploring if things were different, but things weren’t. And she would never change her life or her plans for a man, anyway. “Luke and I are just friends, which I’m sure you know, since you played a role in making sure it stayed that way.”
“Me?” Her expression was all innocence.
“Yes, you. You basically told him to stay away from me.”
“I did no such thing. I just said he shouldn’t start something he wasn’t prepared to follow through on. That’s nothing more than any parent—or in this case, grandparent—would tell a man who was sniffing around.”
Hannah laughed despite her annoyance. “I am old enough to decide which risks are worth taking with my heart.”
“Are you finally admitting you still have feelings for Luke after all these years?”
Hannah saw how neatly she’d been tricked into the admission. “Sure, I have feelings for him,” she said, then added, “but they’re not the same kind of infatuated-schoolgirl feelings I had years ago.”
“Which means they have an even greater risk of causing you pain,” her grandmother assessed.
“We’re friends,” Hannah repeated.
“You can say that a thousand more times and I still won’t believe that’s all it is. I’ve been around a block or two and I know what’s what.”
A chuckle erupted before Hannah could stop it. “I love you, Gran.”
A pleased expression crossed her grandmother’s face. “And I love you, which is why I’m so worried. You have so much going on in your life, and you don’t seem to be facing any of it. Look at how you ignored those calls from work. That’s not like you.”
“I know,” Hannah agreed. “But I want you to stop worrying about me. You have enough on your mind preparing for this place to open.” She stood up, putting an end to the conversation. “Tell me, what can I do to help?”
Her grandmother’s surprise was evident. “You’re really not going to call your boss?”
“Not right this second,” Hannah said decisively, clicking the cell phone off so it would automatically go to voice mail. By her calculations that would be full soon, too.
Apparently Go-to-Hannah was on vacation, after all. The real shock, though, was that suddenly she felt darn good about it.
Hannah spent most of the afternoon painting the so-called beach room, which had been on Kelsey’s list of must-do’s before the first guests descended next week. The mindless task allowed her plenty of thinking time, which she didn’t want, so she’d found a portable CD player that someone had apparently left behind and played a series of Jimmy Buffett songs, listening to everything from “Margaritaville” to “It’s Five O’clock Somewhere,” the hit duet Buffett had done with Alan Jackson. The laid-back tunes seemed to match her current, precariously happy mood.
She knew she’d pay for that when she finally checked in at the office, but for the moment she didn’t care. For one day she was just going to let herself be a part of this family project to get the inn ready for guests.
She was dancing barefoot to one of the tunes, waving her paintbrush in the air, when she was startled by a tap on her shoulder. She whirled around, whipping off the earphones, and somehow in the process managed to leave a swipe of white paint across Luke’s shadowed jaw.
“Oops,” she said, then giggled. Giggled. Sweet heaven, what was happening to her? She never giggled.
She reached for a clean cloth as she stared into Luke’s startled eyes. “Sorry. I’ll get it off.”
He caught her hand as she was about to reach for his face. “It’s okay. It’ll come off when I shower.”
For some reason her breath seemed to be lodged in her throat. She swallowed hard, then managed, “Are you sure? It would come off much more easily right this second.”
“Oh, I’m sure,” he said, his gaze heated. “Having your hands on me right now would be a very bad idea.”
She couldn’t seem to stop herself from asking, “Why?”
“Because you’ve been on my mind today, Hannah. A lot,” he said, the implication plain that the thoughts had been steamy. Apparently her grandmother’s caution had only served to amp up the attraction, after all. “Then, finding you like this…” He gestured toward her shorts, her bare feet and the CD player. “You look sexy as hell.”
“Oh,” she whispered, unable to look away. It’s because he’s made himself unavailable, she told herself. That was why she suddenly wanted to lock lips with him. That’s all it was, for both of them. Once more, she tried to steady her nerves. “Did you want something? Is that why you came in here?”
“I wanted to let you know that your grandmother, Kelsey and I have decided we all need a night out. It’s Friday, and we’re going to The Fish Tale for the seafood special. We’ll leave in an hour. Can you be ready?”
For reasons that weren’t entirely clear to her, she wasn’t sure that was a good idea. Maybe it had something to do with that weak-kneed response she’d just had to Luke. After a couple of beers, she might not behave responsibly. She might just act on that instinct and worry about the consequences later. It seemed he, too, was in the same reckless mood.
“I should probably finish painting this room,” she said.
“No,” he said flatly. “You’re coming with us. If you’re determined to finish in here before we go, I’ll help.”
Hannah didn’t think she could bear being in such a confined space with him for the time it would take them to complete the job. “No, never mind. It can wait until tomorrow.”
“Then I’ll help you tomorrow,” he said, still gazing into her eyes.
“Not necessary,” she said, then rushed from the room to take the brush outside to wash it out with the hose. She was such a ninny, she thought as she pointed the spray in her face, hoping to cool down her flaming cheeks. What was she, seventeen? And what had that whole scene been about, anyway? Luke was the one who’d put the brakes on days ago, so why had he been crowding her in there, deliberately kicking the sizzling chemistry into high gear? And why hadn’t she been able to control her own responses, when she knew this was a dead-end street? Why were they playing such a dangerous game?
By the time she’d rinsed out the brush and left it to dry, Luke had gone upstairs for his shower. The paint can had been neatly capped and the drop cloth folded and put away. She sighed at the evidence of his consideration. She didn’t need him being nice. She needed him to be an obnoxious pig. Otherwi
se, she might be in serious danger of falling for him, just as her grandmother feared she would.
After a quick glance at her watch, she realized she had only forty-five minutes to pull herself together. If she wanted to wash and dry her hair, that was cutting it close. She didn’t bother examining why she wanted to look her best for dinner at a low-key Seaview restaurant. She had a hunch she wouldn’t like the answers one bit.
Apparently the seafood special was the biggest draw on The Fish Tale’s menu. The place was packed. Several people were standing on the sidewalk outside waiting for tables, which meant even the bar must be crowded.
“We’ll never get a table,” Hannah said, expecting to be relieved by the fact that she wouldn’t have to spend an evening bumping into people she didn’t especially want to see. To her surprise, though, she was vaguely disappointed.
“Not to worry,” Luke said. “I called earlier. Jack said he’d hold a table for us. All we need to do is squeeze through this crowd and get inside.”
“And then fend them off when they come after us,” Kelsey said dryly. “Are you sure we should be cutting in front of the hungry hordes?”
“That’s the beauty of making a reservation and of knowing the owner,” Luke said, steering them inside.
Despite the chaos and noise, Jack somehow spotted them and came out from behind the bar to greet them, bending down to give Grandma Jenny a kiss on the cheek.
“It’s good to see you out and about,” he told her. “You need to come over here more, if only to visit with me.”
“Jackson, you know how people love to talk in this town. Just imagine what they’ll have to say if I start hanging out in your bar,” Grandma Jenny said, though she looked pleased by the invitation.
Jack shrugged it off. “But just think of the customers I’d gain coming in here to catch a glimpse and decide for themselves what we’re up to.”
“I’m old enough to be your mother,” Grandma Jenny said.
Seaview Inn Page 15