“I need a favor,” I said easily.
“And what do I get in return?” Astrid shot back with narrowed eyes and the beginnings of a devious little smile pulling at her lips.
Astrid was a piece of work. No one played me like she did and got away with it. No one. And what a joy it was. “What do you want?” I asked.
She pretended to think hard, but I knew her game. She was a horribly wonderful little Vampyre slash Demon. She knew as well as I did that favors from the Devil were difficult to come by and therefore extremely valuable.
However, Astrid was far more than a half Vampyre-half Demon. She was a True Immortal—like myself and nine others. We were virtually unkillable—a very lovely insurance policy.
There were ten of us roaming the planes of existence. We had jobs or rather the jobs had us. I, of course, was the harbinger of Evil, and my sanctimonious shit of a brother, God, represented all that was Good. My father was Wisdom, and my unbalanced mother, Mother Nature, was Emotion. My favorite of my eight daughters, Dixie, was Balance, and her mate, The Angel of Death, was… well, Death. Not my first choice for a son-in-law, but as long as the shit treated her well, I’d leave him alone.
Lucy, the daughter of Eve—the woman my brother and I had fought over—was Temptation. And the idiot that currently pined after Temptation—the Angel of Light—represented Life.
And then there was Astrid. The half Vampyre-half Demon was Compassion. Interesting choice for one of her heritage, but I had to admit the insane woman was a perfect fit.
However, the most powerful immortal of all was still a small child. Yes, the miracle child born of Astrid and her mate Ethan represented all of our powers combined as one—he was Utopia. The child, Samuel, had the most precarious road to travel of all the True Immortals. His future would be something I would watch very closely and with great interest.
“State your favor, Astrid. What is it that your undead heart desires?” I pressed my niece.
“I’ll get back to you on that,” Astrid replied, using one of my own lines on me. “And you’d better have left some kind of note for Ethan because if he wakes up and I’m missing there’s gonna be a massive can of Master Vampyre whoop ass headed your way.”
With a wave of my hand and a wide grin, I allayed her fears. Her mate was the Vampyre Prince of the North American Dominion—very strong—very possessive. “Yesssss, I left the Vampyre a note and returned a few of the Mont Blanc pens I borrowed,” I assured her.
“You mean stole,” she corrected me.
“I prefer pilfered—more poetic,” I shot back.
With an eye roll that should have ensured she could see her own backside, Astrid laughed. “Fine, why am I here? I would think you and the three Pocket Rockets should be able to handle any issues up here on Earth.”
The huffing and puffing from Dino, Dagwood and Darby made me chuckle. Astrid had a creatively profane way with words that would hopefully make my Demons rethink their middle name choice.
“Darling child,” I said. “You know as well as I do that Hell isn’t below and Heaven isn’t above. We’re all simply on different planes. We share the same sun, moon and sky.”
“Dude,” Astrid snapped, completely exasperated. “If I came here for a freakin’ immortal geography lesson, I’m gonna go ape shit on all of you. And no one wants me to go ape shit.”
“She makes a fine point,” Darby volunteered, and then shut his trap when I shot him a look that was just short of deadly—literally.
“I need you to throw Fate off her game so I can get what I need from the bitch,” I explained. No need to beat around the bush. If you don’t ask, you don’t receive, and I very much liked receiving.
“Shut the front mother humpin’ door,” Astrid shouted, making me wince. “Fate’s an actual person?”
“Unfortunately, yes,” I replied curtly as I waved my hand and dressed my niece in a vintage red Chanel cocktail dress. It perfectly matched the devilish red streak in her mahogany hair. Adding a pair of silver stilettos and a diamond choker that was clearly priceless, I grinned and waited for her reaction.
She didn’t disappoint.
Glancing down at her new attire, Astrid gasped with delight. She was such a materialistic little Vampyre—and such a girl. Her nightclothes wouldn’t do when meeting with Fate, so I treated her to a little upgrade.
“Oh my Hell, I look hot,” she squealed, fingering the choker and smoothing out the dress. “Can I keep it?”
“Will you screw with Fate?” I shot back.
“What has she done to you?” Astrid wisely asked.
“What hasn’t she done?” I shot back.
Astrid eyed me for a long moment and then let her head fall back on the seat. “You’re in trouble, aren’t you?” she inquired softly. “Something is very wrong. I can feel it.”
I said nothing. Her astute guess was exactly why I needed her at the moment. She watched me and waited. As my silence continued, her eyes narrowed to slits.
“Plug your ears, you Baloney Ponies, or you’re going to lose your middle names—pun violently intended,” she ordered the Demons, waiting until they did as she asked.
Astrid turned and faced me with an expression that I hated. I recognized it. It was her compassionate face. When was my family going to realize I was the Harbinger of fucking Evil? All this emotional namby pamby ridiculousness was wearing me out.
“Whether you like it or not, I love you and I know you love me even though you’re too much of a jackhole to admit it,” she said with her own brows appropriately raised. “I will help you—no favor required. However, I want the dress, choker and shoes,” she added with a grin.
“They’re yours,” I said, happy that there was least a small modicum of blackmail involved. “So you’ll mess with Fate for me?”
“For diamonds and Chanel from my Uncle Fucker who secretly loves me? Absolutely.”
“That’s my girl,” I said approvingly. I wasn’t entirely sure what love meant, but if the definition included killing for someone, then I supposed I might love my niece. I would incinerate to dust anything that threatened her. “Let’s go have some fun.”
“Fun being a relative word?” she questioned with a smirk.
“Absolutely.”
“You can’t be serious,” I muttered as I took in the dilapidated interior of what barely passed as a casino. “Fate must be slumming it.”
It was small as far as gambling establishments went and clearly hadn’t been remodeled since the 1970s. The stale smell of stale alcohol, cigarettes and desperation permeated the air. The colors were faded and the tables were shoddy. I couldn’t begin to imagine why Fate had chosen this place to frequent. But then one never knew why Fate did what she did.
“This place is a dump,” Astrid agreed, trying not to touch anything as we made our way inside. “There are no humans here. It’s all Vamps, Demons, and I don’t even know what else.”
“Shifters, Fairies, and a few Gargoyles,” Darby said quietly as he and my two other Demons flanked us protectively.
It was more for show than safeguarding. I was a walking weapon of destruction and Astrid wasn’t far behind. However, pomp and circumstance was the way I liked to roll.
Darby was correct as far as the lineage of the patrons went. Clearly my men were excellent at detecting species. Why couldn’t they place the soul seller in Chicago? Pushing that thought aside, I focused on the matter at hand—it was unsavory and needed to move along quickly.
Would I leave with the information I sought? No fucking clue.
Our entrance caused quite the stir, as I’d expected. The sheer amount of magic Astrid and I possessed together was jaw dropping and my three Demons were no slouches. Several lowlifes whom I was quite sure were on the invite list to Hell slipped out the back door and several others got under the filthy gaming tables.
“Gargoyles are real?” Astrid asked in shock. “I need a dang species list. This is getting out of control.”
“They exis
t and you don’t want to engage them—very difficult to kill and their blood stains your hands for months—forget about your clothes. They have to be trashed,” I said as I scanned the room for the sorry excuse of a woman I was searching for.
“Are you shitting me?” she asked with a scrunched nose.
I gave her the raised brow and she backed up a step. “I’m not shitting you. Just stay with me and follow my lead. Clear?”
“As mud,” she mumbled. “What do you want from Fate?”
“Information.”
“And she’s going to give it to you?”
“Probably not.”
Astrid groaned and elbowed me. “So this is just a middle of the night exercise in bullshit and futility?”
“Possibly, but it will be fun.” I winked and pulled her along to the back of the casino.
Fate was not in the main area, which meant she was most likely hidden in the back. Hell, she probably knew I was coming. She was Fate after all.
“Define fun,” Astrid hissed as I kicked in the locked door at the far end of the room.
Ignoring my obnoxious niece, I gave a curt nod to my men. They immediately spread out and blocked all the exits. I recognized four others of my own in the room and gave silent communication for them to go outside and surround the dilapidated building. Didn’t want Fate to slip through my fingers. She might not give me what I wanted, but she was going to see me.
“Will she try to kill us?” Astrid asked as she before we entered the darkened back room.
“She can’t. We’re un-killable.”
“Didn’t ask if she would succeed,” Astrid pointed out correctly. “Asked if she’d try.”
“That’s not how Fate works. She doesn’t have to lift a finger to instill terror. She controls destiny,” I said flatly.
“Did I forget to say thank you for possibly fucking up my life?” Astrid inquired with so much sarcasm it was scathing.
“I believe you did forget,” I replied with a grin.
“You are gonna owe me so big, Uncle Butthole,” she muttered as she shoved me out of the way and marched into the room with her horrifying attitude displayed beautifully.
“I know,” I said. My niece didn’t hear me as she was already in the room. “I just hope I’ll be around to repay.”
Chapter Five
“Well, this is an interesting surprise,” an alluring female voice purred from the darkness.
“Interesting good or interesting bad?” Astrid asked cautiously, peering into the darkened corner where Fate sat or stood or floated.
One never knew what form the old bat would choose.
I was having a difficult time spotting her as well. I was quite capable of seeing clearly in the dark as was Astrid, but Fate had cast some sort of spell that made seeing her murky at best.
“Interesting in neither fashion,” the voice said with a derisive chuckle. “And it’s hardly a surprise.”
“So Fate, how are you doing? Busy fucking up lives?” I asked in an attempt at my most charming.
The silence lasted about three seconds too long and the look Astrid shot me confirmed my greeting wasn’t very charming—at all.
“Do you care, Lucifer?” Fate inquired archly as the shadows began to slither away and a feeling of foreboding flooded the small dank room.
“I don’t,” I replied smoothly. “But then again you already know that.”
As the darkness faded, my nemesis appeared. It took all I had not to gasp or look away from her haggard appearance, but Astrid wasn’t nearly as collected.
“Sweet mother of Buddha on a bender,” Astrid shouted and plastered herself against the wall. “I was not expecting this. You look, um… like, you know… not what I thought,” she petered off weakly as Fate hissed.
“And you are?” Fate snapped as she stepped into the light and eyed Astrid with displeasure.
Astrid was correct. Fate looked like the Basement of Hell on a bad day. If this was a façade she’d chosen, she was losing her mind. Her normally thick wavy blonde hair was gray and sparse and her eyes appeared sunken into her gaunt face. Normally bright and arresting purple, her eyes were now flat and lifeless. Her body was hunched over and her hands gnarled. I hadn’t seen the old witch in centuries, but she couldn’t have possibly aged this much.
“You don’t know who I am?” Astrid asked, not quite sure how to proceed.
“Of course, I know,” Fate said flatly. “A few manners every now and then would be a nice change.”
“Right. Sorry,” Astrid apologized and gave a rather clumsy half curtsy slash half bow to the hag. “I’m Astrid.”
“Make sure you tell her your deepest desires so she can shit on them,” I added amiably.
“Dude, you’re not helping your cause whatever it is,” Astrid chided me.
“The child is wise, Lucifer. You should listen to her,” Fate said with a cackle that made my skin crawl.
“What has happened to you?” I demanded.
A diaphanous silver dust blew around the room as Fate snapped her fingers and closed her eyes. The temperature went from moderately warm to frigid. As immortals, Astrid and I were impervious to the chill, but it was unnerving and unnecessary.
“Umm… what’s going on here?” Astrid whispered.
“She’s stopped time,” I said under my breath.
“Why?”
“Because she can.”
If Fate was on her last legs, it didn’t bode well for anyone. As much as I despised the woman, her death was unacceptable. Who knew what would replace her—if anything.
“It’s bothersome to have the weight of the Universe on one’s shoulders,” Fate announced curtly. “You should completely understand that, Fallen Angel.”
Ignoring the jab, I shrugged and approached her. She backed away and re-shrouded herself in the darkness. It was visual and physical. The insane old woman had barricaded herself from me.
“Tell me what I’ve come for,” I insisted as I admired the intricate spell she surrounded herself with. There were holes in the carefully woven sorcery. I knew I could break through with a flick of my wrist, but for now I’d play her game.
“And why would you think I would tell you anything? You’re the scum beneath my shoe,” she growled menacingly.
Rolling my eyes, I grinned at Astrid’s indignant gasp. I was used to Fate’s rude diversionary tactics. Piss off the Devil so he does something heinous and she gets to leave. Not going to happen this time.
“Yes, well it’s been lovely to be stepped on by such a sub-par and certifiable immortal as yourself for thousands of years,” I told her with a large yawn that I knew would infuriate her.
“You have deserved everything you’ve received, Evil One. I’ve no time for you or your requests.”
“You owe me,” I snapped as I felt my eyes go red with resentment.
“I owe you nothing. You made your bed, stupid man. And now you lie in it.”
“I beg to differ,” I argued in an icy tone, my cracks of fury and rage beginning to simmer to the surface. Fate was a hardened bitch and knew how to pour acid into wounds. “You played with us. You destroyed an unbreakable bond. You damned me to Hell. Do you sleep well at night, old woman?”
“I sleep just fine, Despicable One. You are nothing and you will remember that. Be gone,” she shrieked.
The magic infused wind grew stronger and the temperature dropped to deadly for a human.
“Hold the fuck on for a second here,” Astrid snarled as she shoved me out of the way and slapped at the darkness surrounding Fate. “You are way out of line, you old bag.”
“Astrid, enough,” I said, pulling her back. “I can handle this. You stay out of it.”
“No can do, Uncle Fucker,” she said, shrugging me off and placing her sparking hands on the wall of inky black. “You brought my sleeping undead butt here to help you and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”
“You are more a fool than the Devil,” Fate hissed.
�
��Yep, you stanky wanker. You’ve got that right. But I’m a fool who actually cares. I don’t know who gave you this job, but I gotta say your people skills suck ass. Just because Lucifer has a bad reputation doesn’t mean you can be such an assmonkey. It’s not fair.”
“And what do you know of fair?” Fate demanded. “You’ve had but thirty years in this realm.”
“True,” Astrid shot right back. “However, I know what kindness and common courtesy are. I know how not to act like a douchecanoe manager from a fast food restaurant who has gone giddy with power and makes all the high school kids work through their breaks and scrub the disgusting bathrooms while he sits on his fat ass and eats the all the fries.”
“Is she right in the head?” Fate asked, confused.
“Absolutely not,” I confirmed with delight.
“I’m not right in the head and it might be because I had to scrub the men’s bathroom which is way more vomit inducing than the women’s bathroom—bastards can’t aim right with a gun to their heads—pun intended,” Astrid shouted, clearly still on a roll. “So unless you want me to leave here and tell everyone who will listen that you’re nothing but a fast food manager wank from the smelliest part of Hell who eats all the fries and doesn’t give a flying fuck about the world or high school kids who just want some mother humpin’ spending money, just keep going.”
“You’re as deluded as your uncle,” Fate’s voice boomed from behind the wall of black.
“And you’re just mean. My uncle might be a badass asshole, but he’s also good… in a vague definition of the term, and if you can’t see that you’re blind and toothless” Astrid paused her tirade and turned to me with pursed lips. “I’m gonna guess you haven’t popped her?”
My expression was wide eyed, shocked, completely appalled and wildly amused. I’d expected Astrid to throw Fate off her game, but I didn’t quite expect this. “Correct. I have never popped Fate.”
“Thank God for that,” she muttered with relief. “I figured since she has no teeth you wouldn’t have tapped that ass. Anyhoo,” she went on as if Fate were just some random woman—not the controller of destiny. “You want common courtesy, Miss High and Mighty? Well, then you’re gonna have to tamp back the bitch act. Satan isn’t evil. He punishes evil. Yes, fine… he does cheat, steal and fornicate like a damned rabbit in springtime hopped up on a vat of Viagra, but he doesn’t create evil. You should know this, you big butthole.”
Fashionably Flawed: Book Nine, The Hot Damned Series Page 4