Fashionably Flawed: Book Nine, The Hot Damned Series

by Robyn Peterman

  “Yesssssss… I dictated my supremely engrossing life story to my niece, then she slapped a bullshit happy ending on it. Research shows that romance is the highest paying and most disrespected genre, so it’s a perfect fit for me. Is there anything else you’d like to know?” I shouted.

  What did I have to do to get some goddamned respect?

  “Umm… no,” Sadie said, pressing a napkin to her mouth to hide her grin.

  “So you think happy endings are bullshit?” Elle inquired with a look on her face that made me think there must be a correct answer to the question.

  Hell, what was the right answer? In my experience, women changed their minds like the winds changed direction. What was correct one minute was incorrect in the next. Damn it, all I wanted was to get her naked and underneath me. How fucking hard could that possibly be? Screw this. We were all most likely going to die in the very near future, so I may as well start telling the truth.

  “There is no such thing as a happy ending,” I said.

  The blast of searing hot fire that came hurtling at me was a shock. However, it was a shockingly welcome surprise.

  “Ouch, that’s gotta hurt,” I heard my mother say as the black flames of my Siren’s wrath bathed me from head to toe.

  It was glorious. I felt my pain and sins dissipate and fall away. As the black flames danced and licked at my skin, I let my head fall back and profound relief washed over me. The intensity of the blaze bit at me, but I was still far stronger than my Siren’s glorious weapon of destruction because I was destruction.

  With a wave of my hand, I doused the flames even though I wanted to spend eternity lost in them. The silence in the room was heavy as my mother and Sadie waited with baited breath to see how I would handle being set ablaze.

  Elle simply stood there with her brow raised and arms crossed over her chest. She was ready to do it again if I gave her an answer she didn’t like. She was insane. She was volatile. She was beautiful. She was a pyromaniac.

  She was mine.

  I checked my suit and smiled when I saw that it had come through the fire as intact as I had. I was a resilient handsome bastard.

  “Well, that was a bit unexpected,” I said, to the relieved sighs of Mother Nature and Sadie.

  “Watch yourself, Satan,” Elle snapped, unrepentant. “I’ll do it again if you displease me.”

  “I certainly hope so,” I replied.

  “My goodness,” Mother Nature announced, giggling with delight. “They’re such a violent pairing. I love it! I’ve been telling Lucifer for centuries he just needs to find a nice girl and settle down. Might keep him out of trouble.”

  “I’d hardly say a pairing with my daughter would keep anyone out of trouble,” Sadie told Mother Nature with a chuckle.

  “I meant nice girl in a very broad definition of the term,” Mother Nature clarified herself.

  My Siren’s eye roll matched my own and pleased me greatly. I didn’t believe in happily ever afters or even love, but I’d never been so taken with a woman. She was just terrible in every sense of the word.

  “I’d suggest you rethink your ways,” Elle said as the tux-clad monkeys danced around her, hanging on her every word.

  “Too old,” I replied, wanting to piss her off again so she’d blast me with fire. However, I was also telling the truth, and the truth was turning out to hurt so good.

  “This is not going to work,” she muttered unhappily and went for the food table.

  “What’s not going to work?” I asked, cutting her off from the feast and moving her expertly away.

  “This. Us,” she said, waving her hands in the air. “I mean I was so excited that you didn’t keel over dead when we kissed, but I didn’t think it through.”

  “Think what through?” I demanded, not liking the direction of the conversation.

  True, I didn’t want love, nor did I even know what it truly meant. Another truth… happily ever afters were not meant for people like me. Yet the most horrifying truth of all was that I didn’t want Elle to walk away from me. Ever.

  What the Hell was happening? I could only attribute it to the darkness drawing near. Why else would a weakness like this grip me? Thousands of women wanted me. If this one didn’t, so be it.

  Okay. Even I didn’t buy that one…

  “I don’t really know you,” she said, eyeing me with distrust.

  “What would you like to know?” Mother Nature asked hurriedly, jumping up and taking a firm grip on Elle’s hand so she didn’t disappear in a huff. “I’ll tell you everything.”

  “No, you won’t,” I informed my mother rudely. “I will tell her what she wants to know.”

  “But you’ll lie,” my mother stated the indisputable fact.

  “Your point?” I hissed as my eyes turned red and a menacing wind whipped up, blowing the food off the table.

  One problem solved. At least the Sirens wouldn’t leave Nirvana with food poisoning.

  “It’s fine if he lies,” Elle reassured my mother. “I do it all the time.”

  “Well that’s certainly… umm… alarming and fitting,” Mother Nature said.

  My mother clapped her hands and the music took on a new flavor. If I was correct—and I was—it was Toxic by Brittany Spears. I loved that song—wonderful theme.

  “What do you want to know?” I asked, warily. The truth had gotten me burned which was fabulous, but I was fairly certain lies might be far worse.

  She turned and moved away. While her backside was a work of art, it disturbed me to see her walk away from me. I didn’t like it one bit.

  “Favorite color?” Elle asked.

  “Black. Yours?”

  “Purple.”

  “Food?” I inquired.

  “Sushi. Yours?”

  “Eggplant Parmesan.”

  “Ohhhhh, I can make that,” my mother chimed in with unabashed excitement. “I’ll bake you a large pan next Tuesday.”

  “Please don’t,” I muttered with a slight gag as Elle giggled. “Favorite pastime?”

  “Porn. Yours?”

  “I’d have to say I’m with you on that—although I prefer performing rather than watching. Any other hobbies?”

  “Photography, burning buildings to the ground, and bubble baths. Yours?” Elle asked with a laugh, enjoying herself.

  “I’m quite partial to fire in any form. I greatly enjoy cheating at cards and watching Wheel of Fortune.”

  “I can work with that,” she replied.

  “Dear Heaven and Hell on fire,” Mother Nature muttered. “This is going to be interesting.”

  “And destructive,” Sadie added with a laugh.

  “Favorite band?” Elle asked with a look on her face that told me I’d better get this one correct.

  She wasn’t the only one with that look. We’d entered into some very serious territory here. As far as I was concerned there was only one band in existence that deserved the word favorite attached to it.

  “What’s yours?” I shot back, praying to all that was depraved that she would get this right.

  “You first,” she challenged.

  I noticed Mother Nature and Sadie backing away from the potential line of explosive fire. Smart women.

  “Together,” I replied. “We will reveal the best band of all time together.

  I knew there was little chance that we would be obsessed with the same band, but everything else about my Siren was absolutely perfect.

  “On three,” Elle instructed. “One. Two. Three.”

  “Journey,” we shouted in unison.

  My knees felt like jelly and I almost dropped to the floor while Elle squealed with delight. I hadn’t thought that there was any way I could want her more. Clearly, I’d been mistaken.

  “Karaoke some time?” I suggested with a lopsided grin.

  Elle looked shocked and truly alarmed by my question. “Umm… no. Very bad idea.”

  “I often go karaoke bar hopping with Frank Sinatra, Elvis and Mr. Rogers. Good tim
es.”

  “You’re serious?” Elle asked squinting in terror.

  Could my ballsy Siren have stage fright? Did she not like Sinatra? Impossible. Everyone loved Sinatra. It had to be that sweater changing Rogers she was petrified of. Hades knew he still scared me occasionally.

  “Absolutely. Singing in public is wildly liberating. You should try it,” I insisted.

  My mother shot me a look I didn’t even remotely understand so I ignored her and decided to drop the real bomb. “I know Steve Perry. He’s a Unicorn,” I bragged as Elle’s eyes grew wide with admiration.

  “You kidnapped him,” my mother reminded me. “He has a restraining order against you,”

  “I didn’t kidnap him. My daughters did… as a surprise gift,” I snapped. “And we’ve worked out the restraining order issue. As long as I don’t sing with him, I’m allowed to sit within twenty feet.”

  “I’m impressed,” Elle said, her eyes lit with amusement. “You’re tone deaf?”

  “Completely,” Mother Nature confirmed with a wince. “Are you?” she asked Elle suspiciously.

  Elle and Sadie traded glances and both shook their heads slowly.

  “Trust me,” Elle said. “You don’t ever want to hear us sing.”

  “Ever,” Sadie added with a small shudder.

  “Can’t be good at everything,” I replied with a shrug. “However, I may not be able to sing like Steve Perry, but I’m hung like a horse.”

  “Yes, I know,” Elle said with a grin that made me feel unsteady. “Next question?”

  “Favorite sexual position?” I inquired, thinking of the thousands I planned to share with her.

  “None,” she replied firmly. “I don’t have sex. It kills.”

  I felt as if I’d been doused in ice water. This was not going to work for me.

  “Umm…” I said, trying to phrase it correctly so she didn’t set me on fire again. As much as I would have loved being incinerated once more, we didn’t have a tremendous amount of time. “I didn’t die from your kiss. I’m quite sure sex will be fine.”

  “No can do, Big Boy,” she snapped. “We can kiss, burn cities together and lie, cheat and steal our way through Vegas, but I will not risk your evil life for an orgasm.”

  “Pretty sure he would,” my mother chimed in. “From all the gossip, I hear he’s quite the tiger in the sack. Thousands of women can’t all be wrong. You really should give him a test drive, Elle. It will be fine—and I’m his mother. I should know these things.”

  With a furious snap of my fingers, I gagged my mother with duct tape and glanced over at Elle to see her reaction to my being outed as a man whore. Her eyes had narrowed, her fingers were smoldering and she didn’t look happy.

  “I will tell you this and I will say it once. If you so much as look at another woman with lust in your eyes, I will remove that particular piece of anatomy you’re so proud of. Am I clear?” she ground out in a hostile tone that made my dick stand at attention.

  “Right back at you, Siren,” I said. “Not only will I lock you in a dungeon, I will kill whomever you show favor to—and I’ll do in front of you.”

  My crazy Siren shuddered with delight. She was a dastardly piece of work.

  “Dear Heaven and Hell,” Mother Nature screeched as she ripped the duct tape from her overly busy mouth. “Maybe this isn’t such a great plan.”

  “I feel you,” Sadie whispered, watching the insanity tournament with a wary expression.

  “We will have sex. Of that, I’m quite sure,” I told my Siren.

  “Are you now?” she shot back, as a delicious scented wind blew up and her eyes blazed so bright, I felt light headed.

  “Yes,” I replied with a cocky grin and a painfully growing erection.

  “Over my dead body.”

  “I’m really not into necrophilia,” I shot back. “Some things are too taboo even for me.”

  “You’re an idiot,” she yelled with a small grin pulling at her delectable lips.

  “Your point?” I asked, moving slowly toward her as if she was my prey.

  “You really want to have sex and die?” she demanded, standing her ground as I stalked her.

  “Yes. I do. And we will. And I won’t—die, that is.”

  “Pretty sure he’s serious,” my mother added. She zipped it when I shot her a look that had withered some of the most powerful immortals alive.

  “Fine,” Elle shouted, throwing her hands in the air and creating a hailstorm of amethyst crystal ice. “Let’s have sex, you stupid man.”

  “Now?” I asked, completely taken by surprise.

  “Yes. Now,” she said, still yelling. “Let’s get the Devil’s demise over with. And don’t say I didn’t tell you so when you figure out you’re freakin’ dead.”

  My dick was so hard at this point I wasn’t sure I’d last even thirty seconds when I got her naked. Whatever. I had a point to prove and a Siren to bring to mind shattering orgasm.

  “You can use the guest room on the second floor,” my mother volunteered hastily. “It’s sound proof, fire proof, and the mattress is triple re-enforced. It’s my favorite room to shag your father in.”

  “For the love of everything vile,” I bellowed as red lightening blasted through the room and sent monkeys diving for cover. “I’m pretty sure your statement just made my balls retreat back up into my stomach, Mother.”

  “That’s awful,” Mother Nature said with great concern. “Should I call a doctor?”

  “No,” I said, stomping my foot and stopping myself just short of having a fit that would cause years of reconstruction to Nirvana. “You just need to stop talking. If you keep going, there’s a fine chance my dick will never work again.”

  “That’s not a nice thing to say to your mother,” she chided—her red curls bouncing as she shook her head in disappointment. “Your dick is just fine. When you were born the voodoo doctor congratulated me on the size. I’m very proud of your dick, son.”

  “This is all kinds of wrong,” I hissed, running my hands through my hair and trying not to laugh or blow Nirvana off the map of the immortal Universe.

  “It’s kind of sweet in a wildly inappropriate, over-sharing kind of way,” Elle commented.

  “No. No, it’s not,” I replied. “It’s mortifying. I’m fucking Satan. I should not have to deal with embarrassment like this.”

  “Darling, you know you can’t fuck yourself,” Mother Nature reminded me with a loving pat on my back. “You really need a new catch phrase. You don’t want people to think you’re a contortionist.”

  With a sigh, I gave up. I let my head fall to my hands and laughter overtook me. There was no winning with my mother—not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

  “May I ask a question?” Mother Nature inquired.

  “Does it have anything to do with my dick?” I asked through splayed fingers as I looked up at the certifiable woman who bore me.

  “No, but I’m sure I could come up with a dick question if it would make you happy.”

  “No, please don’t. I’ve had all the dick observations from you that I can take. What is the question,” I asked, glancing over at my smiling Siren.

  Elle’s sheer beauty and obnoxious character took my breath.

  “Why exactly did you come here?” my mother asked, pulling my focus away from my Siren.

  Why had we come here? For the life of me, I couldn’t remember. All the dick talk had thrown me off my game.

  “To find Fate,” Sadie reminded me, stepping up next to Mother Nature.

  And Fate was the other sadistic form of birth control. My pride and joy deflated instantly.

  “Why? Why do you need her whereabouts again?” my mother asked with a worried expression on her exquisite face.

  “I think she’s far more involved than she wants anyone to believe,” I replied tersely.

  “You think she’s the darkness coming for you?”

  “What darkness coming for you?” Elle demanded as her entire upper bod
y began to shoot black sparks of anger. “Is Fate trying to kill you?”

  “No. That’s against the rules,” I replied dryly. “However, I’m certain she’s orchestrating something nefarious. Mother, did you know Fate was a Siren?”

  Mother Nature’s expression would have been comical if the situation wasn’t so dire.

  “Shut the front door,” my mother said, seating herself on a chair made of roses. “Tell me everything. Right. Now.”

  My mother was no longer the flighty idiot I most often encountered. She turned into a deadly badass on a dime. Even Elle and Sadie were slightly scared of her. Without missing a detail, I got her up to speed right down to the Trolls and everything I knew of Fate’s past.

  “The trinity,” Mother Nature replied absently staring at Elle and Sadie. “There really are three Fates.”

  “Explain,” Sadie said in a clipped tone as her hair began to float around her head and her eyes burned a bright purple.

  “I’m not quite sure, but I think you might have been screwed out of a job” my mother said. “I’m only guessing. But you say you’ve felt a pull on your magic for centuries?”

  Both Elle and Sadie nodded.

  “And the Trolls clearly know something the rest of us don’t,” I added. “Amazing since they’re so lacking in the brains department.”

  “Maybe they’re not,” Elle said. “Maybe they’re not as stupid as they’ve led us to believe.”

  “Possible—but that’s a reach.” I shrugged and took Elle’s hand in mine. Her body temperature ran high and it felt like a security blanket I’d denied myself for millions of years.

  “And they have your soul?” Mother Nature directed her question to Elle.

  “Yes.”

  “And what of this darkness?” Sadie asked. “Is it connected?”

  “Don’t know,” I admitted. “However, if I were a gambling man—which I am, albeit I cheat… a lot—I’d have to say yes. Definitely connected. And when I find the darkness, I will destroy it, and then I’ll go after Fate.”

  “Umm… nope,” Elle corrected me, with a vicious expression on her gorgeous face. “The darkness is mine. Anything that comes for you will have to get by me first. And trust me… nothing is going to get by me.”

  I was shocked to silence. And my mother’s mouth was a perfect O as she gaped at Elle in delighted surprise. My Siren was truly nuts. I was far more powerful than everyone in the room. Hell, everyone in the Universe. I didn’t need Elle to fight my battles. I was a rock, a goddamn island. It had been working fine for millions of years. Or had it? The feeling that washed over me at hearing her words was similar to her fire that burned away my pain and sins. What was this woman doing to me?