by Land, Alexa
We took turns drying each other with the towel he’d brought, and I got dressed in my new outfit while he wrapped the towel around his waist. He’d picked out the light blue t-shirt, white shorts, and a miniscule pair of semi-sheer white underwear, which made me grin self-consciously as I slipped them on. Everything fit well. I ran my hand over the soft t-shirt material as I said, “It’s actually really nice to have new clothes, even though I wish Nana hadn’t spent a bunch of money on me.”
“I guarantee she had fun doing it,” Vincent said, drying his glasses on a corner of the towel before putting them back on. “And it’s always good to let Nana have her fun.”
He picked up my hand and led me back to the kitchen, where he refused to let me help with anything. I sat on the counter while he made me a sandwich for lunch, then went to work baking a chocolate cake after asking what my favorite flavor was. He got very quiet and focused while he worked, measuring everything carefully, leaving nothing to chance. Vincent could be upbeat and talkative with me, but I realized as I watched him that this serious side was his normal state of being. I liked it. There was comfort in his quietness, in the way he could simply be with me without the need to chatter constantly for fear of awkward silences.
He glanced over at me and found that I was grinning. “What?” he asked, a little grin appearing on his lips as well.
“It’s interesting to watch you work. I like how serious you get when you’re concentrating on something.”
His grin got a little wider. “That’s because I’m terrible at multitasking.” He loaded the cake pans in the oven and set a timer, then came and stood right in front of me. I wrapped my arms and legs around him, and he glanced at my completely empty plate. “I’m glad you ate your lunch. You’ll need to keep your strength up, given all the celebrating we’ll be doing.”
“What about you?” I asked. “You didn’t have any lunch.”
“Sure I did.”
“Before I got here?”
He chuckled embarrassedly and said, “Okay, I’m bailing out of the joke I was setting up. I was going to tell you I had a protein drink earlier, outside in the shower, but I just can’t say that to you.”
I laughed and pulled him closer. “You just did.”
“I know. Pretend I didn’t.” He actually blushed, just a little, and that made me far happier than it should have.
We started kissing, and when the timer went off sometime later, it startled both of us. “We just made out for almost half an hour,” I said.
“Time flies when you’re kissing the cutest guy in the world,” Vincent said with a grin, then turned from me and took the cakes out of the oven with a big pair of oven mitts.
“You really are,” I said as I watched him pull off one of the mitts and tap the cakes with a fingertip, then poke them with a toothpick.
He glanced over his shoulder at me. “I meant you, Trevor.”
“Yeah, I know. But that’s nuts, so I’m amending it for you.”
Vincent carefully set the cake pans on a couple wire racks, then came back to me and took my hand. “You’re terrible at taking a compliment. Even worse than me, which I really didn’t think was possible.”
“Someone as gorgeous as you should be used to taking compliments.”
“Right back at you, Trevor.” When I rolled my eyes, he said, “Come with me.”
I jumped off the counter and let him guide me down a long hallway. We entered a spacious guestroom, and as he led me through to its bathroom I asked, “What are we doing?”
“Two things. First, I need to show you something. Secondly, I need to comb my hair before it dries like this.” It was still a bit damp, and curling ever-so-slightly.
He stopped in front of a floor-to-ceiling mirror, then draped his arms around my shoulders. “What do you see?” he asked gently.
“An incredibly hot nearly naked guy. And me. We look good together, though. Don’t you think?”
He smiled at that. “We look great together. But stop looking at me, and take an objective look at this guy.” Vincent cupped my chin gently and turned my face so I was looking straight ahead.
“God I’m pale,” I murmured. “I really shouldn’t be wearing white shorts, or any shorts for that matter. One look at my legs could cause snow blindness. Are you going to do any more landscaping? If so, I’ll hang out with you. Maybe some time outdoors will upgrade me from Arctic Blizzard to Barely Beige. I mean, I know sunbathing is hazardous and all that, but it’d practically be a public service. No one should have to look at legs this white.”
He knit his brows. “So totally missing the point of this little exercise.”
“You asked me what I see, and that’s my honest answer.”
He sighed and said, “Fine. But now I’m going to tell you what I see. Do you want the romantic version, or the dirty version?”
I smiled at his reflection. “Both.”
“Okay, romance first. I see amazing blue-green eyes that I could get lost in for days, flawless skin, the best smile I could ever imagine, and lips so full and soft that they drive me to distraction.”
I grinned and said, “Now give me the NC-17 version.”
“Alright. When I look at you, Trevor, I see more than just your gorgeous face. I also see a lean, tight, sexy body and a perfect little ass that I’m absolutely dying to fuck. I want to be inside you so bad that I can barely form sentences when I’m around you.” He reached around and rubbed the growing bulge in my shorts, and continued, “I also see a smooth, cut, absolutely perfect cock that I want inside me, pounding me until I can’t even remember my own name. But only after I finish sliding my cock in and out of that totally fuckable mouth of yours.”
I stared at his reflection wide-eyed, and he said, “Shit. I went too far, didn’t I? I wanted you to know that I think you’re a desirable, incredibly sexy guy, Trevor. I didn’t mean to objectify you, or make you think that sex was all I wanted from you.”
I turned and smiled up at him. “You know what?”
“What?” His expression was wary.
“I know what I want for my birthday now.”
“To get as far away from me as you can, now that you think I’m a sex-starved degenerate?”
“Uh, no. What I want for my birthday is every single thing you just mentioned, in every possible combination.” I flashed him a huge smile.
“Really?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Well, that’s great,” he said, suddenly a bit flustered. Then he said, “Hold that thought,” and darted from the room.
I laughed at that, then picked up his comb from the vanity and ran it through my spiky hair before going to sit on the bed. There was a crashing sound from the kitchen, and Vincent called, “It’s okay! That was just the cake pan, not the cake.” He was back a few moments later, saying, “I had to turn the cakes out onto the wire racks to finish cooling. I didn’t want them to get stuck in the pans.”
“I thought you went to get the lube and condoms.”
He thought about that for a beat, then darted from the room again, calling, “I’ll be right back!”
When he returned, he was carrying all three shopping bags, which he’d apparently repacked. He sat down on the edge of the mattress and said, “I don’t actually know what’s in the third bag. I’m almost afraid to look.” He pulled out the tissue paper and glanced inside. “Good news. This isn’t full of buttless chaps and ball gags.”
“What’s in there?”
“Shoes.” He pulled out two shoe boxes and a pair of flip flops, and I lifted the lids to reveal a new pair of sneakers and a pair of brown leather dress shoes. “No glass slippers, surprisingly,” he said with a little grin.
“That is surprising. So’s the fact that she and Mr. Mario actually guessed exactly right on the size. Nana has skills.”
Vincent packed the shoes back up and set everything on the floor beside the bed. “Let’s make that the last time we mention my grandmother today. In fact, when we go to use t
he lube and condoms, let’s just pretend they were left for us by anonymous woodland creatures or something.”
I chuckled at that. “Isn’t that more distracting than remembering they were a gift from—”
He pressed a finger to my lips. “Don’t say it.”
When he took his hand away, I said, “Got it. Just ‘she who shall remain nameless.’ Kind of like Voldemort.”
Vincent grinned and shot me a look. “Yeah. Kind of like that.”
“So, before we, you know,” I cleared my throat and gesturing at the bed, “aren’t we supposed to have some kind of mature discussion about, like, health issues and past sex partners? You know, junk like that?”
“Okay, sure. I guess I’ll go first. I’ve been celibate for the past thirteen months and have been tested for STDs twice during that time. All the results came back negative, I have a clean bill of health.”
“Why were you celibate that long?”
Vincent looked down at his hands, which were fidgeting with the edge of the towel he was wearing. “I, um…I was in a really damaging relationship before that and figured…well, I guess I needed some time to get myself together after that.”
“Oh. Well, if you’re not ready yet, we don’t have to—”
He cut in quickly by saying, “Oh no, I’m ready. I’ve been ready to – well, I was going to say dive back into sex since the day I met you, but that sounds weird.”
“Okay. Well, that’s good. Actually, I’ve been celibate a long time too, but I’m definitely ready.” I smiled nervously and said, “Wow, this is a super awkward conversation.”
His smile was just as nervous as mine. “It is. I guess I’m not very good at talking about this stuff.”
“Me neither.” Then I added, “So, since we both know we don’t have any health issues, I’d be fine with foregoing the condoms if you want to.”
“That’d be fine with me, too. But do you really trust me that much?”
“Of course.” I smiled again and said, “I can’t believe this is finally happening.”
“Finally? How long were you celibate?” he asked.
“Slightly longer than you. Actually, twenty-one years to the day.”
It took him a moment to unravel what I’d said, and then his eyes went wide. “Oh! So, you’re a—”
“I really hate the word ‘virgin.’ Can we call it something else? Pre-screwed, maybe? I pretty much want to die of embarrassment right now, just so you know.”
“Why would you be embarrassed about that?”
“Well geez, I mean, what a total loser. It’s bad enough that I haven’t had sex at this age. But even worse is the fact that I’ve never done anything. I mean, who has their very first blow job at twenty-one?”
Vincent looked shocked, which made the color rise in my cheeks as I focused my attention on the patterned bedspread. “Was I your first kiss, too?” he asked after a few moments.
That sent me off on a bit of a ramble. “No, that distinction goes to Frannie Hoberman. We were in the fourth grade, and Frannie’s friends dared her to kiss me. Actually, they first dared her to touch a wad of used chewing gum, and when she refused, I became the backup dare. It was flattering to know I was less objectionable than used gum. She really planted one on me, too. Frannie thought kissing was supposed to be done with your mouth wide open, so it was kind of like kissing a bigmouth bass. Not that I’ve ever kissed a bass. I’m just speculating.” By the time I finally made myself shut up, I was mortified.
Vincent slid closer to me and picked up my hand. “I had no idea. I mean, I figured you might be inexperienced, given your age, but I didn’t realize you’re so completely innocent. I’m really sorry.”
I glanced up at him. “For what?”
“For rushing this, for going straight to sex. I didn’t mean to pressure you. I just…I had no idea.”
I sighed and knit my brows at him. “Quit it, Vincent.”
“Quit what?”
“Quit acting like you’re corrupting me. It’s not like I wanted to be a virgin at this age, or that I was saving myself! I just never met the right guy. I was super shy in high school, so I didn’t date at all. And even though I went on a few dates after that, I just never really connected with anyone. Not until I met you.”
“But you just recently convinced yourself that you wanted to go out with me. I don’t even know what brought about that change of heart.”
“It wasn’t a change of heart. I always wanted you, Vincent, from the first moment I spotted you at that party. I tried to convince myself it was too much of a risk, and honestly, the fact that you’re involved in some kind of dangerous criminal activity really does scare me. But I never stopped wanting you, even while I was trying to tell myself you were a bad idea.”
“You weren’t wrong about that,” he said, his voice subdued. “You saw firsthand the day I met you what my life is like, and you may not be safe as long as you’re with me, despite my best efforts to protect you.”
“Can’t you quit, Vincent? Can’t you untangle yourself from all of that?”
“I wish I could, but I’m right in the middle of something years in the making and I have absolutely no choice but to see it through. Another couple months and it should all be behind me. But until then, I’m locked in.” There was so much agony in his eyes as he said, “If I could quit for you, Trevor, I would. I swear. I’d quit in a heartbeat. But it’s just not up to me.”
“I hate what your job is doing to you. I hate that dangerous people are chasing you around the city! And I hated what they did to you a few days ago. When I saw you like that, all beaten and bloody, it was heartbreaking.”
“I apologize,” he said, his voice low. “I never should have come to you like that.”
“Of course you should have.”
He was quiet for a few moments before saying, “There’s something I need to tell you, Trevor. I’m not proud of it, but I really feel like I shouldn’t keep this from you.” He looked up, meeting my gaze, and said, “Those injuries weren’t a result of my involvement in the mafia. They didn’t have a thing to do with my job, or with the men that were chasing us.” Vincent hesitated before saying, “I asked for those bruises. Actually, I literally begged for them.”
“I don’t understand.”
“After you said you didn’t want to see me anymore, I went into a bit of a spiral. I was already under all this stress from some of the things I’m involved in, and losing you was just the final straw, I guess. I started drinking a lot, and…God, this is going to sound awful.” He took a breath and blurted, “I went to my ex-boyfriend and asked him to beat me. Actually, ‘boyfriend’ isn’t even sort of the right word for him. He was my Dom. I was his submissive for almost two years, but I left him thirteen months ago.” Vincent wasn’t looking at me, his posture slumped slightly and his arms wrapped protectively around his midsection.
“Oh.” I knew I should say more than that, but I was pretty overwhelmed right then. I stared at the big, powerful man before me and tried to picture him as a sub, as someone that wanted to be hurt and dominated, and utterly failed. It was just so different than the face he showed the world – the confidence, the cool indifference, the control. Though maybe that was all just an illusion....
After a pause I admitted, “I’m kind of at a loss right now. I have no frame of reference for any of this, but I’m trying to understand it.”
“I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”
I sifted through the million questions flooding me and came up with, “Do you actually like being treated like that?”
“I used to think it was what I deserved. Liam encouraged me to believe that about myself. Although I already felt like that even without his help.”
“And you really wanted him to hurt you?”
His voice was so quiet. “At first I just wanted Liam. I was willing to do anything to be with him, and that was the price I had to pay. But then, it started holding a certain appeal. The farther we got into a D/s
relationship, the more I lost myself. Who I was sort of fell away, until there was just Liam’s sub where once there’d been Vincent. And I actually liked that.”
“Did you love him?”
“Honestly? I don’t know. I thought I did at the time, but looking back, I don’t think so. I think I became addicted to him, the same way I was addicted to drugs when I was younger. He was a means of escape, a way to stop thinking all the fucking time, a way to stop feeling. But eventually I realized it was killing me from the inside out, so I left him. I guess it’s kind of like, I quit drugs at nineteen, and I quit Liam at twenty-five. Except that a few days ago, I relapsed. I went back for another dose because I wanted to stop thinking and feeling, just for one day.”
“Did it help?”
“It did, for an hour or two. When he was hurting me, the pain was so intense that everything else fell away. It focused my mind and gave me the escape I’d been looking for. But just like drugs, it’s a short-term fix. Eventually the session ends, the pain wears off, and there’s the rest of your life, right there waiting for you.”
“I see.”
“I got really drunk after I left Liam because I was trying to postpone the inevitable return to reality. It made me feel worse though, and it lowered my restraint so I let myself come see you.”
“Will you go to him again?”
“God no. It was a mistake, a one-time relapse.” Vincent shifted position, looking embarrassed as he added, “Just so you know, I didn’t let him fuck me. I told him he could hurt me any way he wanted, but I didn’t let him inside me. I know that’s probably TMI, especially right now when you and I are just beginning to get to know each other. Hell, it’s probably all TMI. But it’s important to me that you know that.”
“I’m glad you told me.” After a pause, I asked him, “What are you looking for now, Vincent? Because just so you know, I don’t have it in me to hurt you.”