by Julia Sykes
I rubbed my forehead. I hated losing control of my emotions. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Of course I won’t let that happen.”
She tentatively covered my hand with hers.
“No,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair of me. I won’t mention it again. I promise.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, struggling to get a handle on myself. My control was cruelly elusive. Even fucking anything with a pussy wasn’t making it better. The anguish was as raw today as it had been on the horrible day I’d given her to Miller.
“All right, Clara,” I agreed slowly. “We’ll go back to Club Lash tonight.”
“And if we run into the MI5 guys?”
I sighed. “We’ll make nice and find out what they know. I’ll follow your lead on this one.”
Even if I would never find redemption, I could at least help Clara attain hers. If we succeeded, maybe the awful, gaping hole in my heart might not ache with every breath. Maybe I could claw my way out of this depressive spiral that sucked me further down with every passing day.
Yeah, right.
Three days later, Clara and I went back to Club Lash again for what turned out to be an abysmal recon mission. She’d disappeared into a private room with Hugh Sullivan, leaving me to try to facilitate a conversation with Finlay MacClellan. When he rebuffed me, I found another, prettier way to pass my time.
Well, it didn’t really matter if the blonde had been pretty or not. Even though less than an hour had passed since we left the club, I barely remembered what she’d looked like. The nameless women were all starting to blend together.
“Could you have been more transparent?” Clara rounded on me as soon as I closed the door to her flat behind me. “You could have at least tried to seem cordial. I doubt Finlay or Hugh will talk to you again.”
Instead of answering right away, I popped a French fry into my mouth from my fish and chips tray. I took the moment to rein in my irritation with her.
“I think you’re close enough to Hugh to run recon for both of us.” I couldn’t help the accusatory note in my voice.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“It means you weren’t supposed to leave my sight line. We talked about this. I had no idea what was happening with you in that back room. What if he decided to interrogate you?”
She scoffed. “He wasn’t exactly going to waterboard me. He’s MI5, not a terrorist. Besides, he doesn’t suspect anything.”
My jaw tightened. “Don’t underestimate what an agent will do off the books. Because I’m pretty sure that’s how they’re operating.”
“Why? Because Sam didn’t find a case file for the op?”
I nodded. “Yes. That, and I’m almost positive they’re not just at the clubs for recreational purposes. They’re looking into something. I don’t know if it’s just the drug usage or if they know about Dimitri, but Finlay was definitely casing the place.” My jaw tightened further as I narrowed my eyes on her. “Hugh was obviously casing you.”
“No, I was looking into him,” she countered acidly. “That was the plan, remember?”
“And what did you find out?”
“Judging by his conversation with his partner, Finlay was just as annoyed with him as you are with me. It seemed like they were supposed to be looking for people using at the club, and Finlay was pissed that Hugh left him to go off with me. I don’t know if they’re aware of Dimitri’s involvement. That’s why I agreed to a date with Hugh tomorrow. So I can find out more.”
I didn’t buy that for a second. She was attracted to the British agent. “Uh-huh. That’s why you’re going out with him.”
“Yes,” she bit out. “We can’t be at the clubs with them unless we’re friendly. Otherwise, we’ll never get past them to get a shot at one of Dimitri’s men. And at least I found out something useful. What the hell were you thinking, indulging in a random fuck? That’s not why we’re here.”
That hit a nerve, because it was too close to the truth. It had been nothing more than a random fuck. Mindless and meaningless.
“I can fuck whoever, whenever I want,” I got defensive. “Finlay wouldn’t talk to me, and you disappeared with Hugh. I had some free time.”
She fixed me with a no-nonsense stare. “Are you going to tell me what your damage is? Or are you just going to pretend like you joining me for a suicide mission and simultaneously going on a sex bender is just your usual M.O.?”
“It’s none of your business,” I ground out, my anger rising with my pain. I might like Clara, but I didn’t want to talk about this. “Isn’t it enough that I am on this suicide mission with you? What more do you want from me?”
“I want honesty. Trust. We’re partners. You can be open with me. I won’t judge you.”
“You want to know why I’m on the fast train to Hell with you?” The challenge tumbled out. “I don’t think you’ll like the answer.”
“I want to hear it anyway.”
“Because you and I are the same. I don’t have anything left to live for, either.” I recognized that I’d raised my voice. It wasn’t like me to rail at anyone, let alone my partner.
But I hadn’t been myself in a very long time. I didn’t know who I was anymore.
She stiffened. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t think you have nothing left to lose. No close relationships, no one who will miss you. All you have is the bitter taste of failure in your mouth and you think the only thing that can wash it out is killing Dimitri. Well, I hate to break it to you, but you’re wrong. Killing him won’t change what happened. The memory of his dead body won’t keep you warm at night. You’ll still be alone.”
She gasped as though I’d struck a physical blow. “What the hell happened to you?”
“I allowed a man to take the woman I love.” The anguished admission of my sins poured out before I could think to hold it back. “He would have done to her what Dimitri wants to do with you. Until the day that happened, I would have trusted that man with my life. I was so fucking blind, and I almost lost her.”
Understanding flickered in her eyes. “You’re talking about Katherine Byrd and the Mentor. Reed Miller killed him. He saved Katie.”
“Yes,” I said, the word bitter on my tongue. “He saved her. Not me.” I kept talking, compelled to continue now that I’d finally begun confessing my failure aloud. “For years, I waited for Katie to realize we were closer than just friends. But I was scared she would run when I revealed my desire for a D/s relationship. Then Miller came swooping in and started fucking her in a matter of days. She’s his now. There’s nothing left for me in Chicago. That’s why I need the New York reassignment. That’s why I’m stuck here with you on this doomed op. But you know what? I don’t fucking care that I’ll probably die here. And you don’t either.”
I realized the truth in the words as I said them. The long months of anguish had driven me to a hollow, hopeless place. Katie had become an essential part of my world, and now that she’d been ripped from me, I didn’t know how to exist without her.
But it was worse than that. She hadn’t been taken; I’d given her away. Because I hadn’t been worthy of her.
“I’m sorry,” Clara said quietly.
“So am I.”
She took the fish and chips tray from my numb fingers and set it down on the coffee table. Then, to my surprise, she wrapped her arms around me and squeezed. There was nothing sensual in the act, simply human kindness. A reassurance that I wasn’t alone.
I squeezed her in return, holding onto her like a lifeline.
“Thank you,” she choked out.
“You too,” I managed gruffly.
In that moment, Clara Peterson became more than my partner. She was my friend.
9
Clara and Hugh Sullivan were fucking. No. It was more than that. She was falling for him. I could see it in the way she moved around him, the wa
y she was beginning to trust him in a way I wouldn’t have imagined possible when I first met her a few weeks ago.
We’d been working the BDSM clubs with the MI5 agents. But every night we spent in the sex-drenched spaces sent me deeper into depression. I’d fucked plenty of strangers, but the encounters were hollow, meaningless. An awful listlessness was taking hold of me, and I didn’t know how to escape it.
Hugh had given me a unique opportunity to combat it. He’d offered up an act of hedonism I’d never explored before. I grasped at it desperately. I needed a fuck that meant something. And giving Clara the chance to heal from her emotional wounds might just be what I needed. Even if it did go against all my instincts.
She might have been acting as a Domme for years, but Hugh had revealed her deep need to submit to a deserving Dom. He’d more than earned her submission. His desire to grant her a long-denied fantasy only further demonstrated that fact.
Clara was a switch at heart. And I’d agreed to allow her to Top me.
I waited in the dungeon, taking deep, even breaths to calm my nerves. I wasn’t at all sure this was a good idea. I wanted to help Clara, and I wanted to siphon off some of the pain that wouldn’t abate, no matter how often I tried to fuck it away.
But I wasn’t at all sure I was ready to give up control.
Hugh was leading Clara into the dungeon before I had a chance to change my mind. Her eyes widened when they fell on me, and she stopped in her tracks.
“What is he doing here?”
The rudeness chafed, especially considering how much I was putting myself on the line here.
“He’s considering leaving if that’s how your attitude is going to be,” I said sourly.
Hugh’s dark blue gaze sharpened on me. “He’ll do nothing of the sort. Not until we’ve talked about this.”
“Talked about what?” Clara’s eyes darted from Hugh to me, and back again. “And why isn’t Finlay here?”
She thought we were here to discuss the case. She was wrong.
“I didn’t think you’d be up for a foursome, love,” Hugh said, as dry and annoyingly British as ever.
“Wait. What?” Clara took a step back. Hugh kept a firm grip on her arm, tethering her to him.
“You really do jump right into things, don’t you Sullivan?” I remarked. “I thought Brits were supposed to show more restraint.”
“I’m never restrained when it comes to sex,” he smirked at me. I didn’t miss his double meaning. If Clara agreed to this, I’d be the one who was restrained.
I glowered. “If you’re going to be a dick about it, I’ll leave.”
“Will you two stop bickering and explain what’s going on?” Clara chimed in.
Hugh’s smirk dropped to something softer, and he released her arm so he could catch her chin and lift her face to his. He held her in his gaze as he spoke to her in his deepest, most Dominant tone. “We discussed how you used to play with a third partner. You haven’t enjoyed that dynamic since your ex hurt you. I want to give it back to you, just like we did with the bondage last night.”
She sucked in a small gasp, her gray eyes going wide. “This is a lot more than putting on a pair of cuffs. I don’t know if I’m ready for something like this.” She shifted so she could look around him and find my eyes again. “And I don’t want to sub for both of you.”
I steeled myself. “I’ve agreed to bottom,” I said as steadily as I could manage. “With several conditions.”
Her jaw dropped. “You switch?”
“No. But I’ll do this for you. I know it’s important to you. And I trust you.” That much was true. After our time working together to hunt down Abramovich, I knew she’d put her life on the line for me, and I’d do the same for her. And if I was willing to risk that, I could handle allowing her to Top me.
She stepped around Hugh and approached me slowly. She stared up at me, studying my face. “Is this part of your depression-fueled sex bender? Because I don’t want to facilitate that in any way.”
I hesitated. I hadn’t realized that she saw just how fucked up I was, and how I tried to cope with it through sex. I owed her my complete honesty if we were going to do this.
“Maybe a little bit,” I admitted. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how much of my willingness to bottom for her had to do with my emotional damage. She frowned, and I continued on quickly. “But it’s more than that. I want to try it. I think I could use the release.” I’d seen how my submissive partners had found peace in accepting pain. My anguish had been trapped inside for so long, it might be a relief for it to manifest physically. “I think I need a little pain.” I barely realized I spoke the last aloud.
She touched her palm to my cheek in a caring gesture. “I don’t know if this is the right way to do that, Dex. I won’t help you torment yourself.”
“I’ll be doing something good,” I assured her as much as myself. “Hugh explained to me how you need to reclaim your sexual identity. I’ve known you were hurting inside ever since I met you. I want to help you, Clara.” I forced myself to continue on to the more difficult admission. “And I don’t want you to hurt me because I think I deserve pain. I just want to feel something.”
She continued to study me for long moments. After a while, she gave me a nearly imperceptible nod, her mind made up.
“What are your conditions?” she asked softly.
I blew out a long breath, hardly able to believe I was about to openly consent to bottoming for anyone, even Clara. “I’m up for trying flogging, but absolutely no CBT,” I said firmly. “No hurting my dick. And if things end up going further,” I shot a warning glare a Hugh, “his cock doesn’t come anywhere near my ass.”
Clara laughed.
“I’m serious,” I insisted. “You’re Topping me, Clara. Not him. I’m doing this because I trust you.”
“I trust you too, Dex.” She glanced back at Hugh. “And I trust him. He won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”
I nodded, still slightly uncomfortable with the whole scene. “We’ve talked. I’m good with this scenario. Safe words are yellow and red.”
She shot a sly smile at Hugh. “He didn’t make you go with amber instead of yellow?”
I squeezed her hand, willing her to take this as seriously as I was. “He didn’t make me do anything. I’m doing this because I want to help you.”
To my surprise, she went up on her tiptoes and pressed a gentle kiss to my cheek. “Thank you.”
“No kissing,” Hugh growled.
She gave him an exasperated sigh. “It’s just a peck on the cheek. I thought you wanted this setup. We can’t have a threesome if you’re going to be jealous.”
He grabbed her waist and drew her away from me, tucking her body tightly against his. His hand tangled in her hair, holding her in place so he could kiss her fiercely. The sight of his possessiveness stirred a familiar dull ache in my chest.
I tried my best to ignore it.
“You might be in charge of him,” he rumbled across her lips, “but I’m in charge of you. And I say no kissing.”
“I wasn’t planning on it,” she promised breathily.
“If it helps, I’m not up for that, either,” I provided. “I’m strictly here as a friend, who also happens to be a kinky bastard.” Maybe if I pretended this was no big deal, it wouldn’t be.
Clara’s eyes turned on me, her chin lifting as her face took on a hard-edged imperiousness. “You’re a kinky bastard who needs to be naked,” she declared. “Strip, caveman.”
Obeying her stern order instantly grated on my nature. Without thinking, I crossed my arms over my chest and gave her my best warning scowl. Most subs dropped their eyes and apologized when I turned that stare on them.
Not Clara. She softened slightly and took careful steps to close the distance between us. Her fingers curled in the hem of my sweater, gently tugging it up my waist.
“This isn’t going to work if you can’t follow orders,” she told me, her attempts to push up my
sweater unwavering.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I’d agreed to this. I had to at least try.
I shifted my arms and helped her pull my top over my head. She smiled up at me, encouraging.
“That’s better.”
I knew what she was doing. If she couldn’t intimidate me into following orders, she could cajole me into it. The latter approach was easier for me to swallow. It reminded me that she was risking making herself vulnerable, too. Through acting out this particular power play, she was opening herself up to old emotional wounds.
I’m doing this for her. I want to help Clara.
I tried not to think about my other, darker reasons.
“Now the jeans,” she ordered in the same soft voice.
She stepped back, and this time I removed my clothing without her help, taking my boxers down along with my jeans.
I’d never been self-conscious in my nakedness, but I got the distinct feeling I was being examined as Clara’s eyes roved over my body. It took effort to remain standing still and proud rather than shifting uncomfortably. I was also keenly aware of Hugh’s presence. He was fully clothed, watching Clara watch me.
Her tongue darted out to lick her lips as her eyes settled on my cock. “There’s nothing small about you, is there caveman?”
My dick pulsed, and my cheeks heated at my reaction. I shouldn’t be getting turned on by her haughty inspection of my body. Being so blatantly objectified wasn’t something I was into. She was studying me in a purely physical sense. It should have felt impersonal, but I was surprised to feel a connection with her. She was appreciating me. I wasn’t just a random stranger who could give her pleasure. Clara knew me, and I couldn’t hide when I was stripped bare before her keen eyes.
She turned to Hugh, breaking the intense moment. “Cuffs,” she requested, holding out her hand.
He laughed and smacked her ass. “Right away, Mistress,”
I couldn’t help shifting on my feet as he went to retrieve a pair of leather cuffs from the black chest of drawers set against the dungeon wall. Clara was with me in an instant, running a soothing hand down my chest. To my surprise, her touch calmed my nerves.