“Yes, please,” I said, happy there was a question I could answer.
“Uh, I wouldn’t mind another coffee, Sherry,” Phil said. And they exchanged a look that twigged something in me. She nodded and left.
“Did you want some dessert?” Phil asked.
“No, thank you.” Then I asked, “Did you go out with Sherry?”
Phil groaned, “It was ages ago. No big deal.”
“It seems like the North Shore is littered with girls who either have dated you or who want to date you.”
“Not a biggie, as I said. Can we get back to what you were saying before?”
I shook my head. Sherry was so beautiful and poised, and now I felt crappy. “It was nothing. Look, I better get going. I have a lot of homework to do.” It was only Saturday, but I had an away game the following day, so I didn’t have a ton of time. I pulled out my wallet and tried to figure out if twenty was enough to cover my share of the bill and a tip.
Phil grabbed my wrist. “Kel, don’t be like this. So I dated a few girls before, I can’t change that. That doesn’t matter to us.”
I knew he was right and I was wrong to get upset. But it wasn’t really jealousy; it was more that everything he had done made me more self-conscious. Probably I should’ve just told him how inexperienced I felt, but somehow I figured that would make it worse. Confessing I was a clueless virgin would make me even more of a newb.
So I stalled. I could go home and figure out exactly what I needed to say. Like practicing before the big game. “Look, Phil, there’s stuff we need to talk about. But it’s not really private enough here. We can do it another time.”
Phil looked pissed. “When? We had trouble getting this lunch set up. I only ever see you at school.”
“I don’t know. Next week sometime.” I put the twenty on the table and got up, and Phil did the same.
“What are you doing?”
“Leaving—with you,” he replied, grabbing his jacket. I found my coat hanging nearby and put it on.
“But don’t you have to get the bill?”
“Why? We’re leaving enough money, more than enough.” He held my hand. “I’m not staying here, where you think I want to talk to Sherry. I want to be with you—my girlfriend.”
“We have two cars,” I pointed out, as we left the restaurant. “So unless you’re planning to tailgate me, we aren’t going anywhere together.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll stay off your tail,” he said. He slapped me on the butt, and I jumped. When we got to my car, Phil pushed me up against the door. “Is this private enough for our discussion?
“Are you kidding? It’s a parking lot. And it’s raining out here.”
He didn’t answer me. He pulled my hood up over my head, and then still holding the sides, he raised my face up and kissed me. His mouth came down on mine and his lips were gentle at first and then hungry. He sucked hard on my lips, then enveloped my whole mouth in his. The part of my brain that wasn’t short-circuiting wondered why the rain wasn’t turning into steam when it hit us, because I felt feverishly hot. Phil’s kiss was intense and dizzying, and once again I felt like the world I knew was dropping away and I was falling into a bottomless pit. He kept kissing me and when he finally stopped, he looked down at me. He didn’t smile, but there was a little teasing in his voice.
“I think this is what you were saying you’re ready for, right?”
“Um, no.” I whimpered. I was so not ready for Phil.
24
Follow That Dream
After our lunch date, I knew there were two things I needed to research: McGill and sex. Naturally, I chose the easier option first.
I reread all the brochures I had gotten from McGill, and then I went to their website. I drew up a rough budget of how much money it would cost, and then in an inspired moment, I made a comparison chart with U.B.C. To my surprise, it wasn’t very different if I stayed in residence in Vancouver; I only had to add flights and travel expenses. However, if I lived at home, the difference in savings was huge.
As I was doing all my calculations, I looked up at the Team Canada poster in front of me. That had always been my dream, to play on Team Canada. But at this point, I realized that my chances were not great. At the tourney, I had seen some amazing players and heard about girls my age already being scouted or even playing for provincial and national squads. Still, I figured I had come a long way in the past year, and if I went to McGill I could be even better. I didn’t realistically have a shot, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t try.
“What’s up, Kelly?” my dad asked me after dinner. He could tell there was something on my mind. My brother, Roger, sensed a big discussion and slipped away to work on the computer in the next room.
“Well, it’s about university,” I began.
“You’re still going, right?” My mom looked worried. They both thought that university was really important and had encouraged me to go, pretty much from birth.
“Yeah, of course. It’s just that—when I was at that tournament in Calgary—I met this hockey coach from McGill. Um, anyway, he likes the way I play and he’s encouraging me to go there and join the team. But I know it’s a lot of money.” I paused and pulled my budget out of my back pocket. I uncrumpled it and laid it out in front of them.
“So have you applied yet? I think McGill is a tough school to get into,” my dad said.
I kind of kept my parents on a need-to-know basis, but I probably should have mentioned this earlier. “Yeah, I did. I haven’t been accepted yet, and of course, I have to meet their minimum standards. But the coach thinks I’ll be fine. Anyway, I thought I’d talk to you now. No point in getting my hopes up, if there’s no way.”
They both stared at the paper, like it held some important clue. “It’s a really good hockey program,” I told them. “They’re ranked number three in the C.I.S. standings.”
My mom smiled at my dad and then turned to me. “Your dad and I started one of those education funds when you were born. What do you call them, Tak?”
“R.E.S.P’s,” he answered. “So, we’re prepared for your university expenses.”
“I know, but that’s if I stay here, right? What if I want to go away? It costs a lot more. I don’t want to put some big financial burden on you.” My dad already worked six days a week.
“Kelly,” he said. “Do you remember when we moved here from Ottawa?”
“Well, sure. I mean, I was ten, so I can remember everything.” We had left our house in the suburbs and moved to North Van. I remembered being so awed by the mountains and ocean. But I also remembered I was pretty lonely when we got here in the summer. Once hockey and school started I met tons of kids. Phil and April were two of my first friends.
“But I don’t think you knew why we moved,” he continued. “We both had good jobs in Ottawa. I worked for the federal government, and your mother had a job in human resources with a tech company.” He paused, and then added, “You’re lucky, we actually had a lot more money then, and we added the maximum contributions to the fund. We’ve always paid in, and it’s compounded nicely.”
My mom nodded and held Dad’s hand. They were always like that—all affectionate. She continued, “We decided that money wasn’t going to be all important to us. Remember your dad’s Auntie Noriko?”
I nodded. She had been a cool woman. She lived in an apartment above the florist shop. She had a big sunroom full of plants where her enormous tabby slept. I remembered playing with her cat in the warm sunshine.
My mom continued, “She had no children, so she offered her florist business to your dad. She would train him, work with him, and then pass ownership on when she was ready to retire. We both wanted a chance to do something more creative. It wasn’t that we hated our jobs, but more that we hated the idea of doing the same thing, day after day, until we retired. And we loved the idea of living in such a beautiful place, right by the Pacific Ocean.” Yeah, my mom was always making ocean-inspired works, like beautiful vessels wi
th blue and aqua glazes.
All this was interesting, but what did it have to do with my going to McGill?
My mom smiled at me. “We made sacrifices to follow our dreams, so we’d like you to be able to be able to follow yours too.”
My dad nodded. “It’s a lot of money, but we can swing it. You can’t be one of those people who goes to university for seven years though. We can pay for your undergrad and that’s it.”
“Kelly dear,” my mom said. “I know how much you love hockey, but McGill is a really good school. It’s an opportunity for you to get a good education, and then get a good job. After all, it’s not like you can play in the Canadian Hockey League.”
“The National Hockey League,” I corrected her automatically. My mom knew nothing about hockey, even after all this time living with me. I went over and hugged them. “Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. I still have to get accepted, but the coach thinks that won’t be a problem.” Then I got an idea. “I’ll work and pay you back the difference, you know, the extra cost of living away.”
My dad shook his head. “Kelly, it’s okay. We’re your parents. You don’t have to repay us.”
“I know, but you still have Roger’s university stuff to pay for.” I knew they’d have saved for him too, but I was determined now: I’d work hard in the summers and take on as much of the cost as I could. And I’d pay for all my hockey equipment; it wouldn’t be fair to ask for more money for expensive gear. I got that we weren’t poor, but we weren’t as rich as some of my friends.
“Uh, Kelly.” My dad cleared his throat. “While we’re here, there’s something else we’d like to talk to you about.”
My mom coughed, which meant she didn’t completely agree with whatever he was going to say next. But they always tried to present a united front.
“You’ve been seeing a lot of Phil lately.”
“Yeah. I mean, we’re going out.” Was I going to have to talk about my love life with my parents? Embarrassment shields up.
My dad looked really uncomfortable now. “Why are you in such a rush to go steady? Maybe you could play the field. Date a few guys instead of seeing one guy all the time.” Even my dad’s dating vocabulary was straight out of the seventies.
I tried to answer calmly, but this was all so awkward. “Go steady? Nobody says stuff like that anymore, Dad. And if you dated a bunch of guys at the same time, people would think you were a slut.”
Even hinting at sex turned my dad pale. “You seem to be spending all your free time with him. Just use a little moderation, Kelly. You always go overboard. Spend more time with your girlfriends or maybe your brother. What if you do go to Montréal? You won’t get a chance to see any of them.”
My brother had clearly been listening to everything, and he called out from the family room. “As long as she doesn’t make me play goalie so she can practice shooting. I hate that.”
My mom laughed. “Honestly, Tak, it’s the universe’s way of punishing you for all the times you did God-only-knows-what with other people’s teenaged daughters. You were a wild one in your day.”
I turned equally pale at the thought of my dad having had a sex life. “Can I go now? I have homework.”
“Kelly, have you been listening to anything I’ve said?” my dad asked.
“Yes, Dad. But you know Phil is a good guy, right? Anyway, with my hockey and all the stuff he does, we don’t even see each other that much.”
My mom nodded, “Phil is a lovely boy. But your dad thinks that a young girl like you shouldn’t do anything she might regret later.”
I really didn’t want to think too much about what that meant. If it was pregnancy they were worried about, that was biologically impossible. “Don’t worry, I’m not a total idiot.”
“Nobody said you were, dear,” my mom said. They both smiled at me, although my dad’s was a weak one. I took this as a sign I could leave and escaped.
I went back up to my room and lay down on the bed. Telling my parents the truth: that Phil and I had only made out would have made them feel better. However, the real truth was that I did want to have sex with him, but I was worried. Logically, I understood that I couldn’t be good at something I hadn’t done before, but everything with Phil seemed more important. It was one thing to break up with Nicklas, who I rarely saw in my normal routine. But if I screwed up with Phil, my whole social life would be toast. And I really wanted things to go right with him.
So I was determined to treat sex like hockey, and do everything I could to get better. I couldn’t actually practice of course, but I could read up on it. Researching how I could be good at sex proved to be a lot harder than my university budget. First off, our only computer was in the family room, and if my brother wasn’t on it, one of my parents was in there watching TV or reading. And I wasn’t going to sit there and surf sex sites with an audience. Finally, around 10:00 pm one night I snuck down and got on.
At first, all I saw were sites for penis enlargement or seducing women. Then I found something on Kegel exercises, which were for strengthening the pelvic floor. Well, I was good at exercise, right? I studied them, but when they mentioned vaginal barbells I gave up on the idea. Where the hell was I going to get vaginal barbells? The sports store? Anyway, judging from what I knew about Phil’s size and my inexperience, tightness was not going to be a problem. I decided I should watch some porn; I mean, that would give me an idea of what to do, right? The first video I found was so grainy, I could hardly see anything. I was peering sideways at the second one, when April popped up to chat on my MSN Messenger. I panicked and shut down the video, but there were a few kinky popups that wouldn’t close. Shit! Then Gino jumped up on the desk and I had another heart attack. Clearly I wasn’t cut out for the stealth life. I just got everything closed when my mom walked in.
“Darling, are you on the computer?”
I leaned back and tried hard not to look guilty. “Oh hey Mom. Yeah, just doing some research, for, you know, school.” Smooth, Kelly.
“Well, I’m expecting a phone call from Martha. She’s coming over to pick me up for a gallery day tomorrow. So, if you could stop using the phone line for a bit?”
“Oh sure, no problem.” I turned off the dial-up and went upstairs to bed.
The next day after school, my little brother cornered me. “You were on the computer late last night, right?”
I nodded.
“Well gee, Kelly, I don’t exactly get what you’re doing, but you need to clean up your browsing history! I’m pretty sure I’m going to get blamed for the weird sites you’re going to!”
So much for secrecy. All I needed was for my dad to find out what I was up to and I’d never get to see Phil again. I gave up on the research idea. I was going to have to learn about sex on the street, like in the old days. If only I knew where that street was.
25
Taking A Risk
Phil
“So, a simile is another writer’s tool for description. Usually, there is an element of exaggeration. For example if ‘the man ate like a horse’ he does not literally chew hay with his mouth only.” Mr. Fox paused for laughter, but there was none; it was Friday afternoon, and half the class wasn’t even paying attention. He continued, “It triggers a mental image for the reader. If I say that ‘she was as skittish as a newborn calf,’ what image does that conjure in your mind?”
Kelly. That was the image in conjured in my mind. Skittish was the best word to describe how she had been acting lately. She was clearly avoiding being alone with me. Last night, she bolted from the car as soon as we pulled into her driveway, and she kept suggesting group stuff for our dates. When I put my arm around her on Saturday, she had actually flinched. I felt like I was making her nervous, but that seemed ridiculous.
It was like Kelly had all these rules in her head, but I had to figure them out. When I could hold her hand, kiss her, touch her. It was like walking through a minefield. To be honest, most chicks were the opposite. They liked to be the aggressor.
I figured it was the new feminism or whatever, but I wasn’t complaining. Now things were flipped. I wanted to touch Kelly all the time, and she kept backing off.
We had been dating for almost two months now, and I thought I had been pretty patient about taking things slow. Last week was my birthday, and I was hoping that my birthday present was going to be… Kelly. But she handed me concert tickets instead. I really liked Sloan, but I liked Kelly a lot more. Yet, I got the feeling that Kelly wanted it too, but something was holding her back.
English was our last class, so we walked home together.
“I told you I’m going to Hoff’s for poker tonight, right?”
She nodded. Kelly never seemed to mind if I did my own thing, since she was pretty independent.
“What are you up to?” I asked.
“Not too much. I don’t have the car tonight because my parents are going out, so I might hit the gym and then call Charmaine. See if she wants to watch a movie together.”
“Wait, your parents are going out?”
She nodded.
“And you didn’t tell me?”
“Why? You’re busy.”
“Kelly, we never get to be alone. I’m cancelling Hoff and coming over after dinner.”
“But Phil, we won’t get to be alone. My brother’s home, and besides—” She scrunched her nose. “My dad said specifically that I wasn’t supposed to have you over when they weren’t there.”
I touched her soft cheek with the back of my hand. “Kel, he doesn’t have to know.”
“I guess. But I’ll have to convince my brother not to tell.”
After swimming practice, I showered, ate, and then walked over to Kelly’s place. Well, ran actually. She opened the door and looked pissed off.
“This has been a major negotiation. First, I had to walk down to Cho’s and get Roger junk food. Then I had to agree to mow the lawn for him this weekend.” She rolled her eyes. “And, finally, we both have to play Risk with him.”
Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part One Page 11