by Linda Grimes
“I’m glad it worked out. But, hey, what’s this about hating my pony?” I said.
She chuckled dryly. “You mean the demented creature who bit me when I tried to feed him?”
“Crap. Sorry about that. Eeyore’s kind of an asshole sometimes. I hope it won’t scar.”
“Only a nip, and not in a place that’s generally on display.” She winked, but still looked concerned. “It’s not nearly as bad as what you went through for me. I should be the sorry one,” she said.
“Tell you what. Let’s call it a draw,” I said, keeping it light. She had worries enough of her own still to face without adding me to the mix.
Nigel, Thomas, and Laura had been sipping coffee throughout our exchange. “That smells wonderful,” I said.
“Coming right up, sugar,” Laura said, and started pouring.
I looked around the room. “Where’s Billy?”
Laura glanced at Thomas before answering. “He’s in Nigel’s office talking to Mark.”
“Great! Will we be having some sort of debriefing? Good idea. I’ll be back for that coffee in two seconds,” I said.
“Wait, Ciel—” Thomas said.
“Two seconds!” I hurried to the office, stopping outside the door to compose myself, and adapt away the visible bruising at least. The splint would have to stay.
I heard Billy’s voice first. “… my area of expertise. I won’t let you down.”
“Are you sure about this? It’s a long assignment. I can get someone else,” Mark said.
“I’m sure.” Billy’s voice again. “I can start right away.”
There was a pause, and I almost burst in to ask what the hell was going on. But then Mark’s voice stopped me.
“And Ciel? Won’t she have something to say about this?”
Damn straight she will! I thought, and again reached for the doorknob.
“Come on, Mark. You gonna make me say it? You were right about me. I’m a lousy boyfriend. Have you seen her? She was beaten up. In jail. Because of me and the stupid job I got her.”
I did shove the door open then. “You planning to tell me before you take off on whatever asinine assignment Mark has for you?” I said. If I looked half as angry as I felt, they both would have run the other way.
Billy paled. Tried to rally with a smile, but it was a sick imitation of his usual merry expression. “Eavesdropping, cuz?”
“Yes. I was. Mark, will you excuse us?”
Mark left, making not a sound as he walked across the floor. He pulled the door closed behind him.
“Ciel, let me explain,” Billy started.
“This wasn’t your fault! How many fucking times do I have to tell you that before you’ll believe me?”
“You get hurt around me.” He yanked up my T-shirt sleeve and revealed the scar on my upper arm. “For Christ’s sake, you were shot a few months ago. Working a job I got you—”
“That wasn’t your fault either. If anything, that was my own stupidity, and you know it—”
He raised his voice, shouting now. “You were almost killed at the funeral—another client I hooked you up with. And you had the crap beaten out of you—in fucking jail—because of me.”
“Well, guess what? I’m an adult and I get to make my own stupid decisions about which stupid jobs I take,” I said, trying my best to sound more reasonable than exasperated.
But he wasn’t listening. “This isn’t a healthy relationship for you. And I mean that literally. If you were smart, you’d be running for your life,” he said.
I pushed my sleeve down. “Well, I must be an idiot then, because I’m not running. I love you, damn it!”
“Then you are an idiot,” he said, and left.
* * *
I was leaning against Nigel’s desk, staring at the open office doorway, when Thomas came in. He looked supremely ill-equipped for the situation. Laura probably made him do it.
“Sis? You okay?” he said.
I tried to tell him I’d be fine, but my throat closed against a sob, and wouldn’t let the words pass. I gave up and shook my head. He was in front of me in an instant, gathering me into his arms.
“Why does he have to be so stupid?” I asked.
“He’s a man?” Thomas said.
“He thinks he’s protecting me. From him. God, he’s such an idiot,” I said, punctuating the final word with a sideways slug to Thomas’s shoulder. (What? He was strong. He could take it, and I needed to hit something, or else I might start throwing Nigel’s valuable knickknacks against a wall.)
Thomas nodded and kept holding me, letting me rant on until I was out of steam and my mouth was too dry to speak anymore. After a few minutes of quiet, Laura came in with water. In a plastic bottle. (See? Women were smart.)
“Thirsty, sugar?”
I let go of Thomas (that shirt might never be the same) and nodded. She twisted off the cap and handed the bottle to me. I downed half of it in one go. Guess I was feeling dehydrated.
“Where’s Mark?” I asked.
“He left right after Billy did,” she said.
“Do you know anything about this assignment they were talking about?”
She shrugged. “You know Mark. Captain Need-To-Know.”
Yeah, I knew. I also knew that Laura was Lieutenant Need-To-Know, so I didn’t press her.
“Nigel and Lily-Ann? Did they hear everything, too?”
She smiled sympathetically. “It was kind of hard to miss, hon. Your voice does carry.”
I quirked my mouth. “That’s okay. If they already know, it’ll spare me having to make any awkward explanations.”
* * *
Rosa set a plate containing squares of hot, buttered corn bread and a big steaming bowl of the world’s best chili in front of me at the large pine table. The chili was topped with sour cream, grated cheese, chopped green onions, and black olives. She’d already served Lily-Ann. Dave and Cody were in the kitchen filling their own bowls at the stove.
“I can’t possibly eat this much,” I said. Normally, I’d have no trouble downing it all and asking for seconds, but we’d had a huge breakfast less than three hours earlier. Also, my appetite had been a little off.
“Eat!” Rosa ordered. “You’re getting skinny. You’ll never grow bigger boobs if you don’t pack in some calories. Look at Lily—she knows what’s good for her.”
Lily-Ann smiled around the spoon sticking out of her mouth. When I’d told Thomas and Laura that I was going to take a little time off from work to do some riding and give my face time to heal before heading back east, she’d asked if I wanted some company, seeing as how she wouldn’t mind disappearing from public view for a while either. We’d been here for a week and had fallen into an eating-riding-reading-and-eating-some-more pattern.
After seeing all the furtive glances flying between Lily and Cody since we’d arrived, I had a feeling there was more to her desire to accompany me than escaping the paparazzi. She seemed happy—which she certainly deserved after everything she’d been through with her family—so I refrained from warning her about men, and how they’ll lead you on before they rip your heart into tiny pieces and toss it into the desert for carrion eaters to feed on.
Okay, so maybe I was feeling a tad bitter.
Lily-Ann swallowed, wiped her mouth politely on the red bandana napkin, and said, “If I stay here much longer none of my clothes will fit.”
“Don’t worry,” Rosa said. “I have plenty. You can borrow whatever you need.”
I dutifully took a bite, for my boobs’ sake if nothing else. “It’s delicious, as always, Rosa. Thank you.”
The gentlemen joined us, Dave sitting next to me, and Cody next to Lily-Ann. “Honey, don’t you listen to Rosa. You are cute as a button just like you are. But try not to let anyone beat up on that adorable face any more, okay?”
I ran my finger down the bridge of my nose, happy to feel no lumps. The splint was no longer necessary during the day. Rosa’s doctor friend from town had been out
to look at it, and had said to wear the splint at night for a few more weeks, to keep from re-injuring it if I rolled over onto my face.
“Gonna do my best, Dave,” I said, and shoveled in a few more spoonfuls of chili, only because Rosa was still watching me.
* * *
After lunch, Rosa shooed us away from the kitchen.
“Not you, Dave—you can dry the dishes,” she said. “But the rest of you—go on, get outside. Take a walk. Ride a horse. Go jump in the pond. Do something fun!”
“It’s sixty degrees out there, Rosa,” Cody said. “Little chilly for swimming.”
“Don’t be a baby. You can sit by the fire afterward. Go!”
I asked Cody if he’d mind (ha!) going for a ride with Lily while I spent some time with Eeyore. The little guy looked so forlorn when I rode off on Trigger or Licorice that I wanted to make it up to him with some extra oats and a good session with the body brush. Dave took great care of him, but I knew Eeyore liked it better when I was the one grooming him.
I hooked his halter to the sides of the grooming stall by two leads. If I kept feeding him carrots and apples at regular intervals, he probably wouldn’t bite me—he never had before—but there was no point in taking a chance.
First, I gave him a few handfuls of oats, stroking his velvety black nose as he munched. “You’re a good guy, Eeyore. Grumpy, maybe. But reliable.”
I picked up the brush and began smoothing it over his back. At least with Eeyore I didn’t have to reach up to do it, not like with Trigger and Licorice. Eeyore made me feel tall.
“You’d never smile and tell me everything I want to hear, and then run out on me, would you?” I lifted his long mane and brushed beneath it. He twisted his head around as much as his leads would allow and gave me the eye. I handed him another apple. “Nope, you’re a straightforward kind of guy. You tell me what you want, I give it to you. And you don’t bite me on the ass.”
I walked behind to get to his other side, keeping my hand on his rump the whole time so as not to startle him into kicking me. He twisted his head around to eye me again. I gave him a carrot.
“Yes, sir, you might be a mean son of a bitch sometimes, but at least people know where they stand with you.” I might have started getting teary-eyed at this point; probably barn dust. “You don’t act all charming and fun and loving, and then just leave…” Okay, yeah. I was crying.
I wiped my eyes on my shoulders and ducked under the lead. Started brushing his forelock. It was long, almost covering his eyes. Didn’t hurt his aim when he lunged for someone, though, so I assumed it didn’t interfere with his vision. He butted my chest lightly and held still. I hugged his head. In a rare show of affection, he let me.
Which, of course, made me really turn on the waterworks. But silently, so I wouldn’t scare him off. Man, how pathetic must I be if even my asshole pony was being nice to me?
“Howdy? You in there?” Mark’s voice startled me upright. Eeyore neighed his disapproval.
I wiped my eyes again, more thoroughly, and adapted away any redness that might be present. “Yeah, back here with Eeyore.”
He walked into view from the other side of the barn. “Thanks for the warning,” he said with a smile. Even with his spook reflexes, Eeyore had managed to nip him a few times over the years.
“So, what brings you to the Circle C?” I asked, tamping down the dread that was building in the pit of my stomach. If he told me anything had happened to Billy …
“I was on this side of the country and thought I’d stop in and see how you’re doing.” Still smiling. Warm, soft eyes.
I relaxed somewhat. Surely he wouldn’t be looking like that if he had anything bad to tell me. I smiled back. Maybe not my biggest and brightest, but, I hoped, a reasonable facsimile. “Hunky-dory. As you can see. Let me put Eeyore in his stall, and we can go to the house. Rosa made a humongous batch of chili, if you’re hungry.”
“I’d never turn down Rosa’s chili,” he said. “So, how’s Lily-Ann?”
“Fine. Great. She and Cody are out for a ride. It’s been fun having her around.” I closed Eeyore’s stall and went back to the wash area. Mark followed me over and leaned casually against one wall while I hosed off my hands.
“So, Tom tells me he hasn’t heard much from you,” he said.
“Doesn’t Thomas have better things to do than worry about me now that he’s married? Or is that why you’re here? Playing remote control nanny again?” Funny, but it didn’t even make me mad the way it used to. If he wanted to waste his time keeping tabs on me, let him.
“No. He said you sounded good the last time you guys talked. I guess I’m here for me.”
I hung up the hose and dried my hands on the back of my jeans. “Well, I’ll tell you what I told Thomas.” And my mom and dad, and Auntie Mo, and James and Brian and Billy’s sisters. “I’m good. Enjoying a much needed vacation, that’s all.”
We chatted for a while about the ranch. Mundane things, like Dave’s new hobby (whittling) and the new curtains Rosa was making for the kitchen.
“You’re not even going to ask about him?” Mark said after a particularly long pause.
My heart clutched. “No,” I said, and started to leave the barn.
Mark fell in step beside me, saying nothing.
When I got to the door I stopped. “Damn it. Tell me. Just tell me and get it over with,” I said, bracing myself.
“He’s okay, Howdy. I can’t tell you where he is or what he’s doing, but I want you to know he’s all right.”
“Does he … will he…” I swallowed hard. “Has he been in contact with his family?”
“They know he’s working a job for me. He’s had long assignments before, so I don’t think they’re especially worried. And you shouldn’t be either.”
I nodded and started walking. The wind had picked up, and it felt good on my face. Mark kept up easily. I walked faster and faster, past the house, not ready to stop moving yet. If I stopped moving, my thoughts might catch up with me, and I didn’t want them in my head.
Mark stuck with me all the way to the small stand of trees near the pond. Licorice and Trigger were tied to a low branch, and in the distance, standing near the water, I saw Cody and Lily-Ann. His hat was on the ground beside them. Her arms were around his waist, and his hands were cradling her face. He was kissing her so gently, so reverently …
Seeing it triggered an echo of Itchy’s punch to my stomach. I sat down, linking my arms around my legs and resting my head on my knees.
Mark dropped down next to me. “Howdy—”
“Hoo-boy,” I interrupted, forcing a laugh. “Guess we walked farther than I thought. Think they’d notice if we took the horses?”
“I don’t think they’re noticing much of anything except each other.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I miss him, Mark. I … I guess I didn’t think it would hurt this bad.”
He laid a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. You warned me about him from the beginning.”
“Doesn’t mean I’m not sorry you’re hurting,” he said.
“Do you think he ever really loved me? Do you think he would still love me if I hadn’t … made the mistake”—Mark winced a tiny bit—“I made with you? Is that what it’s really about? He said he understood, but what if he can’t forget about it?” I shook my head slowly. “Boy, when I fuck things up, I do a bang-up job of it.” I quirked my mouth. “No pun intended.”
“Ciel, he does love you. That’s what this is all about. He loves you so much he can’t handle the guilt of your getting hurt.”
“But it’s not his—”
“Fault. Yeah, I know you told him that. But that doesn’t mean he’s not feeling responsible. Guilt and responsibility—it’s kind of a new combination for Billy where the opposite sex is concerned. Give him some time to adjust,” Mark said.
“He wasn’t this way after I got shot,” I said.
&n
bsp; Mark smiled wryly. “I think he considered that to be as much my fault as his. And maybe even yours,” he said.
“True enough,” I said.
He stood and held a hand out to pull me up. “Let’s head back. That chili is calling to me.”
We walked along in silence for a while. But then I had to ask. “Do you think he will? Adjust, I mean? Or will he just keep on running?”
“I honestly don’t know, Howdy.”
It wasn’t until much later, when Mark was gone, that it hit me. I hadn’t melted once the whole time he’d been there.
Chapter 30
A few weeks later I lay on the couch in my condo, one of Auntie Mo’s lovingly made, but hideous, afghans tucked around me. I’d just returned from a kick-ass training session with Laura—my third in two days—and I was whipped. Sweet Southern thing she might be, but when she got you in a gym, she was brutal. It was going to be so worth it, though. Current exhaustion notwithstanding, I was already feeling stronger. Physically, at least. And I was sure the rest would follow.
It had better, anyway, if I was going to survive Thanksgiving with the family at the end of the week. I reeeally didn’t want to go, but I’d promised Mom. If I didn’t show, she’d pack up the turkey, drive all the way down here, and force-feed me her special chestnut corn bread stuffing (actually one of her brilliant creations).
I was getting my life back on track. My only job since Hollywood had been completed the morning before, and had gone reasonably well. The first-time mother I’d been filling in for was overwhelmed by the new addition to her family. Her wealthy husband had offered to hire a nurse or a nanny (or both), but New Mommy had been terrified her offspring would bond with the help instead of her. So she hired me to take care of junior—as her—while she and New Daddy (who apparently didn’t give a fig if the kid bonded with him or not) spent a long weekend in Aruba.
Unfortunately, the kid had colic. I know. Dumb move on my part. What had I been thinking? Well, actually, I knew exactly what I’d been thinking. That taking care of a baby with colic would leave me no time—nada, zilch, zip—to think about Billy. And I’d been right about that.