by Lacey Black
“Lia?” I holler as I let myself inside her apartment. “Lia!” I say firmly as I head towards the hallway.
My beautiful angel walks out of her bedroom with red-rimmed, puffy eyes. Relief floods through me when I see her, and I watch as she does the same. She gives me a look-over and checks me from head to toe and then back up again. I advance and she’s in my arms a second later. I inhale her sweet scent. Her shampoo washes away the smell of burnt wood and smoldering plastic that is etched in my nose. Her arms wrap firmly around my neck as I practically squeeze the daylights out of her. I just can’t get close enough to her.
“You’re here,” she whispers against my shoulder.
“Yeah, I had a little delay,” I say, still holding her tightly against my chest. I can practically feel her erratic heartbeat pounding wildly against my chest.
God, I love this woman.
I suck in a deep breath and my eyes fly open as the realization washes over me. Fuck, I’m in love with her. One hundred percent, without a shadow of a doubt, I love her.
She pulls away and wipes her wet eyes with the backs of her hands. “So, you’re okay,” she says matter-of-factly as she puts distance between us. Lia now stands before me, arms crossed protectively on her chest.
“Yeah, we had a close call today with an early morning fire. I’m sure you heard all about it on the news and from my mom,” I say, gauging her reaction.
“Yeah. They said a couple of fireman went back into the building to save a child,” she says in a small voice.
“Yeah, we did. Smith and I went in to find a missing boy. He is four years old,” I tell her. “I found him unconscious in his toy box, hiding from the fire. When we were exiting the apartment, some debris fell from the ceiling onto me. I was buried under it with the boy underneath me, but Smith got us out, and we were able to get the boy to safety. He’s going to make a full recovery,” I tell her, full of relief as I say those words.
“I’m glad he’s going to be okay,” she whispers as she still avoids eye contact.
“What about you? What’s going on with you?” I ask, stepping towards her.
Lia pulls back, not wanting to be touched. “I’m fine,” she says firmly and looks me square in the eye. She’s shutting down on me. I watch as the protective walls are firmly erected around her and she shuts me out.
“Bullshit,” I tell her firmly. “Why are you acting like this didn’t scare the shit out of you?” I ask as I take another step towards her.
“I’m fine. This is what you do. You put yourself in the line of fire - figuratively and literally - everyday. I’m fine with it,” she says as she tightens her arms around her chest.
“Lia,” I say as I exhale deeply, turning around and giving her my back to take a deep, calming breath.
“Seriously, Nate. You don’t owe me anything. I don’t need an explanation or anything. You’re probably exhausted and ready for bed. You should head home and get some sleep,” she states somewhat coldly.
Why the hell is she acting as if this doesn’t matter? Like what happened didn’t scare her? Why is she pushing me away? I keep my back to her so she can’t see my seething reaction to her brushoff. I need to calm down.
“I’ll talk to you soon, Nate,” she says behind me.
I can’t take it any longer. I whip around fast, arm lifted up as I get ready to argue my point, but my words die instantly on my lips. Lia drops to the ground, shielding her face with trembling hands. I watch helplessly as she tucks herself into a tight ball, protecting as much of her small body as she can with her arms and legs.
And it’s right then that I know.
Those tidbits of information that I’ve been tucking away in the back of my mind finally start to piece together like some big, repulsive, fucked-up jigsaw puzzle. And the image is ugly. Dammit, not my Lia. Not my beautiful, sweet, lonely girl. Fuck, if I don’t feel rage wash over me like I’ve never experienced in my life.
However, for all the anger that I have right now, I need to focus on my girl. The girl that I love. I slowly crouch down, a few feet in front of her, and lower my shaky voice as I whisper, “Lia? Lia, baby, look at me.” I reach forward and touch her arm. When she startles away from me, it ignites my rage all over again. I have to take several calming breaths before I can find my voice again. “Baby, I need you to look at me. I’m not going to hurt you. I would never, ever hurt you. Please look at me,” I plead as I wait with bated breath for her to look up at me.
Lia slowly starts to lift her chin from the tucked position within her arms. Her eyes are full of fear and tears. I want to kill the son of a bitch. I will find the person who did this to my beautiful girl and slowly torture him until he’s crying for his mama and begging for death because that would be a better fate than enduring anymore of what I am going to do to him.
I crouch closer until I’m right in front of her, my eyes remaining locked on her beautiful gray-blue eyes the entire time. My movements are slow and deliberant. “Lia? I’m right here, beautiful. I’m not going to hurt you, I swear,” I say as I make a big show of lifting my hand and slowly moving it towards her face. She watches, eyes still wide with fear, as I slowly bring my hand to rest on her cheek. I use the pads of my fingers to wipe away the tears streaming down her face. I can feel her entire being trembling through just the slightest touch.
The dam breaks as the tears stream unchecked down her cheeks, falling rapidly onto her shirt. Her shoulders shake as she begins to sob. I pull her into my arms and hold her as tightly as I can, just tight enough that she is still able to get air in her lungs. We sit on the floor of her hallway for awhile. Ten minutes or ten hours? Hell, I don’t know. And I don’t care. My mind is numb and my emotions a tornado as they dangerously whirl around inside me. I want to strike like a rattlesnake. I want to attack like a boxer. But the feeling that is foremost? I want to protect. I want to hold my girl and make everything go away. Disappear. Vanish without a trace.
After awhile, Lia finally starts to calm down. Her body starts to sag against me as the weight of her emotions subsides. All of the fight has left her body, leaving her completely spent. After the day I’ve had, I’m pretty much toast as well, so I gingerly lift Lia fully into my arms and stand up as best I can. I use the wall as leverage as I finally get us both upright. I stroll into her bedroom and slide onto the made bed. I don’t let her go, and I don’t pull the covers back. I need to keep holding her tightly and securely in my arms right now.
I feel her warm breath against my neck as she tucks herself tightly against me. Exhaustion settles in again, and I feel my eyelids slowly close. I have so much to say. So much to ask. So many questions that need answered.
But right now, I need this woman to feel safe. I need her to know that I will never hurt her physically. I am not the man who has hurt her in the past. I need to show her how much I care for her.
Lia’s breathing starts to even out against me signaling that she’s drifting off to sleep. I slowly release my death-grip on her and just revel in the feel of her body against mine.
Her beautiful, smiling face is the only thing I picture as I drift off to sleep.
*****
I’m startled awake from a deep, restless sleep. I dreamed of a faceless man with dark, empty holes where his eyes should be. He was stalking towards Lia and no matter what I did, I couldn’t keep him from going after her. Everything I did, he was right there.
I suck in deep, calming breaths as I take in the room. Night has fallen which means it’s well after nine. I look over to catch the time on Lia’s alarm clock and slam straight into her crystal clear eyes.
“Hey,” I say hoarsely.
“Hi,” she whispers and shifts closer. I pull her tightly against my hard body, my hands roaming up and down her back in a soothing gesture.
“So, I have some things I should probably tell you,” she whispers without making eye contact.
“I won’t push you, Lia, but I have a lot of questions. I want to listen. I want to be
here for you and listen to what you need to say,” I tell her. “But, I’m going to be honest. Hearing you tell me what I know is coming is going to kill me. I may get mad and angry, but please know that it’s not directed towards you. Do you understand that? I will never be angry at you,” I tell her as I place a kiss on the side of her head.
“I know that. Before… that reaction was just that, a reaction. It was what my life was like before. Before you. I know you’d never hit me,” she whispers as the words get caught in her throat.
I slowly turn her around so that her back is to my front. I want her to feel my strength wrapped around her and know that I’m here for her, but know that it might be easier for her to talk if she isn’t staring at me. Because, like I told her, I’m not sure I can keep my emotions in check.
When Lia is snuggled tightly against me, she begins. “I met Garrett my senior year of college. He had already graduated and was working for his dad. We met at the bakery I was working at, and I remember thinking he was so handsome and put together. Completely unlike me. I was a mess, finishing school full time and working just about as many hours as humanly possible.
“When Garrett came back in the next day for another coffee, we seemed to hit it off. I couldn’t believe this great-looking guy with loads of money and a political background was interested in me. We started seeing each other whenever we could fit it in between my school time and work hours. Within a few months, I was graduating college and ready to begin my adult life,” Lia tells me.
“Garrett came from money and was kept firmly in line under his father’s thumb. He lived in the Governor’s mansion full time, but had a house in Daytona.”
“Wait, Governor’s mansion?” I ask as my body tenses uncontrollably against hers.
“Yeah, Garrett is Garrett Monahan. Only son of Warren Monahan, Governor of Florida,” she states.
Fuck me. I suck in several deep breaths before I can get the words past the lump in my throat. “Go on,” I tell her.
“Everything was great for the first year. Garrett moved into the house in Daytona and proceeded to work for his father from that location. I moved in shortly after he did. Garrett strongly encouraged me to quit the job I had just gotten. He said it was because he wanted me available at any moment’s notice for fundraisers, parties, or dinner meetings. I didn’t really want to, but Garrett wouldn’t be deterred. I didn’t see anything other than the politician’s handsome son. I didn’t see the monster lurking underneath until it was too late.
“One night after I’d lived with him about a year, we were getting ready for a fundraising gala. We were arguing over a broken platter that happened earlier in the day. I accidentally ran into Gretchen, the live-in cook, as she was carrying the platter towards the dining room to serve Garrett and the campaign team. It crashed to the floor, breaking into a million pieces and sending the food flying. I tried to help her clean it up, but she wouldn’t let me. Garrett came into the kitchen and glared at me. He never said a word in front of Gretchen or the men at the table, but I could tell by the look he was giving me that we’d be discussing it later.
“And discuss it, we did. I tried to argue that it was an accident, which just seemed to enrage him further. It was the first time,” she whispers. “It was the first time he hit me.”
I tighten my hold on her as she says the words. Knowing that some jackass somewhere has put his hands on her, repeatedly, makes me see red. An ugly, vile shade of red that makes me want to do inhuman things to anyone who crosses me. I struggle to keep myself in check as Lia continues.
“He grabbed me by the upper arms and shook me until I practically saw stars. The blow came to my chest. It felt like my lungs exploded. I couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t see straight. I fell to the ground in a heap of nothing.”
“How often did he hit you?” I ask, not really wanting to know the answer, but knowing that I needed to ask.
“Not often at first. And he never hit me or marked me where I couldn’t cover it up with clothes or makeup. Markings to my face were rare, surprisingly. He didn’t want anyone to know what he was doing to me.
“Afterwards, he always came back with an elaborate apology which usually included flowers, a romantic dinner, or a weekend away.”
“How long were you with him?” I mumble through clenched teeth.
“Four years,” she says.
“Four years?” A fresh wave of anger courses through my body and radiates off the walls as they close in on me. I want to slam my fist into the wall and follow it up with my fist to Garrett’s face. I want to maim. Annihilate. End him.
“Yeah. I always thought it would get better. I thought that he loved me. Well, he loved the control. I knew it deep down in my heart that our relationship wasn’t right. After several unsuccessful attempts to leave, which resulted in more abuse, I realized I needed a food proof plan. I planned it out the best I could for months, knowing that the opportunity would one day present itself.”
“When did it? When did that opportunity present itself?” I ask.
“Ten months ago. We were preparing for the Governor’s Ball, just days after Warren won his latest bid for Governor in the November election. He came home after celebrating all afternoon with his team and I could smell the whiskey on him before he even came into the room. I was completely ready since we were five minutes away from when we needed to leave. Garrett stumbled into our bedroom and glared at me. I had no clue what I had done this time so I tried to busy myself by gathering up his tuxedo for him and taking it into the bathroom.
“When I came out of the room, he stalked towards me and grabbed me around the neck. My dress was long and had a full collar because I was hiding the marks he left the night before. He squeezed until I became dizzy and almost passed out. It was the first time I prayed for it to be over. I wanted him to squeeze the life out of me so I could finally be free.
“When he let go, I stumbled backwards only to get a backhand upside the cheek. God that hurt so bad. I stumbled on my expensive designer heels towards the door, trying to flee his raging hands. He stormed after me and grabbed me just when I reached the top of the stairs. I stumbled in my heels and made a grab for him, knowing that I was going to fall down the stairs. He actually stepped back. My eyes locked on his cold ones as I started to fall.” Lia sniffles as I reach a hand around and stroke her wet cheek.
“I woke up later in the hospital. I had cracked or broken ribs, I’m sure, but I knew that this was my big chance. Garrett was required to make an appearance at the fundraiser so while he was gone, I slipped the dress back on and snuck out of the hospital.”
“Damn, baby,” I moan as I offer all of the comfort I have in my embrace. I don’t even attempt to hide the tears in my eyes or the ones that escape down my cheek.
“Sadly, that wasn’t my first trip down the stairs, but I imagine you’ve heard enough for tonight,” she says.
“Fuck, Lia. I don’t know what to say,” I whisper.
“I don’t need you to say anything, Nate. Just hold me,” she replies.
So, I do. I wrap my arms firmly around her body, throw my leg over her side, and hold her. “How many times did you go down the stairs?” I ask, knowing I’m not going to like the answer one bit. One time is too much, let alone multiple times.
“Actually only one other time. It was the night I told him I was pregnant,” she whispers and my entire body goes still. My heart literally fucking stops beating in my chest. My nostrils flare and some sort of primal growl erupts from my chest.
“Pregnant?” I finally manage to bite out after several quiet minutes.
“Yeah. It wasn’t planned, believe me. Garrett thought I was trying to trap him with the pregnancy. I had been sick for several weeks and was on all kinds of strong antibiotics. Apparently, birth control pills aren’t as effective when you’re on certain antibiotics. I had just found out earlier in the day and told him that night. He didn’t take the news so well,” she mumbles, her words small and frail.
; “And so he pushed you down the stairs?” I demand.
“Well, he’ll never admit to it, but yes. I was walking down just fine. He was behind me and says he saw me trip over my pant leg. I woke up in the hospital the next day with a severe concussion and no baby.”
“God, I’m so sorry, babe,” I say. Sorry just doesn’t seem like a strong enough word to express what I feel for the pain she’s endured.
“It’s okay,” she says. After a long pause, she continues, “You know, after it happened, I actually felt relieved. Not relieved that I lost the baby. No, that broke my heart on so many levels that I didn’t even know existed. I felt relieved that a small, helpless child wouldn’t have to grow up and face what I did every day. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to protect the baby.”
“You would have been the world’s best mother, Lia. Do you hear me? You would have done everything and anything to protect that child.”
“Don’t you see? I already failed.”
I flip her around so that she’s facing me. I stare deep into her eyes as I take in all of the hurt and pain she’s experienced. Her heart is cracked open and laying before me. I want nothing more than to pick up all of the pieces and make it whole again.
God, do I love this woman.
“Listen to me, beautiful. What happened to your baby was a complete tragedy and entirely not your fault. You did not push yourself down those stairs. And as far as feeling relief over what happened, that is your way of protecting that child. Deep down, you knew that the baby would have suffered the same fate as you, day in and day out. You wanted that baby, just not the life that was in store for it. If you want to honor that lost baby, then you fight. You fight and get your life back. Live, Lia. That’s all I want for you now. I want you to live your life on your terms. I want you to be happy,” I say sternly just before my lips lock on hers.
The kiss has urgency in it. I’m a complete bastard right now for even kissing her after the emotional rollercoaster she’s just been on. Yet, there’s something inside of me that can’t stop. Maybe it’s my way of dealing with what she’s told me. Maybe together, we can get past the grief and the hurt. I need to be as close as humanly possible right now.